How to handle the budget conversation?

[Deleted User] · June 2012

My fiancé and I just got engaged while on vacation in London a couple of weeks ago. Before I can start really planning anything (or planning to plan, haha) I need to talk to my parents about if they want to help contribute to our wedding budget, and if so, how much they want to contribute. I have no idea how to go about this conversation as my family is very close-mouthed about money even though they are comfortably provisioned. My dad has always talked about paying for my wedding but I still do not like to make assumptions. My fiancé and I both have large extended families that we are close to, not to mention the large group of friends we have, so the preliminary guest list is at 220 people. We have not yet gotten lists from our parents. We are both expecting our wedding to be a large celebration, but I am just completely flummoxed about how to bring up the budget with my dad. Any ideas? How did y'all bring it up?

julib33 · June 2012

You don't.
You do not ask anyone, even parents, for money for your wedding. You wait for them to bring it up and if they offer, great, if they don't you have to pay for it yourself.
My dad has enough to pay for my wedding multiple times over but there is no way I'd ask him for money. My mom has offered to help, which is greatly appreciated, but I did not ask her to help.
The best thing to do is assume you are paying for all of it and plan accordingly; if someone offers to help then you can think about adding/doing more.

EC88 · June 2012

It really isn't appropriate to ask because they will have no problem offering if they feel like it. Assume that you and your fiance will pay for it all unless someone steps in to help. That being said, if you are paying for it on your own you may have to cut down the guest list and even if that is frustrating to your family you are paying so you get the say.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

Ok now I am confused and completely stressed out. As I said, my dad has always talked about paying for my wedding. When my brother and his wife got married, my parents were appalled that my sister-in-law's dad refused to contribute to the wedding and my SIL and her mom had to pay for everything. So since my dad has talked about it before, I am almost certain he and my mom would like to. I'm not going to tell him "Hey, pay for my wedding." That's completely rude and not what I would do at all. If I don't have a conversation with them about it, they likely won't bring it up but will pay for things anyway, and I don't want that because they will likely overpay. So it's not realistic, knowing my family, to expect to pay for 100% of it ourselves. Also, if my fiancé and I pay for 100% of it ourselves, the wedding will be COMPLETELY different - we both wait tables and I am in Grad school so we don't have a lot of spare cash lying around.

Nshivers · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_how-to-handle-the-budget-conversation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:c75de3c8-bb8a-43bf-9edc-37e4a7a38120Post:5439a218-6c89-48d0-8f40-98cef2d7723f">Re: How to handle the budget conversation?</a>:
[QUOTE]I get what you're saying, and it sounds as though your parents do have, at least, some vague idea that they are planning to pay for at least part of your wedding. What PPs are saying, though, is that it's presumptuous to come right out and ask anyone, even your parents, "Hey, you're planning on paying for the wedding, right?". All you can really do is keep mentioning wedding stuff around them and wait for them to volunteer. Or not. Don't get me wrong...I don't advocate games and manipulation...but really, all you can do is wait for them to offer.
Posted by LucyHC[/QUOTE]

Agree. I would mention things about the wedding (i.e. wedding venues, dress) just to hint around it.

Lark2013 · June 2012

OP, I was in the same boat. My parents had always said it was the bride's family's responsibility to pay for the wedding. After I got engaged, it felt wierd to bring it up, but while talking to my mom about planning stuff, the budget came up (because really you should have a budget before any other major planning happens). I straight up mentioned it to my mom that we weren't sure on a budget, and that they had talked about paying, but that I wasn't sure if that was still the case. I was able to do this because of the relationship with my mom, so you will have to decide what works best for you. But really, even just mentioning budget should get the ball rolling (i.e. How much do you think we should budget for the venue/dress/etc.)

[Deleted User] · June 2012

Thanks, Lark, that's really helpful. I'm glad you were in a similar situation - it helps th know I'm not the only one! My fiancé told me this morning that my dad said to him over the weekend that they are game for whatever we want to do (would have been nice to know!). So obviously now we just need to figure it out.

runpipparun · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_how-to-handle-the-budget-conversation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:c75de3c8-bb8a-43bf-9edc-37e4a7a38120Post:54beb463-0a90-4122-8612-4bd5d022440b">Re: How to handle the budget conversation?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks, Lark, that's really helpful. I'm glad you were in a similar situation - it helps th know I'm not the only one! My fiancée told me this morning that my dad said to him over the weekend that they are game for whatever we want to do (would have been nice to know!). So obviously now we just need to figure it out.
Posted by ammcadams[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yeah, I would have tried to get that sorted before you started to put together a preliminary guest list. 220 without guests from those whom you are expecting to pay is pretty extensive. I don't really know your family, perhaps they're loaded and will be giving you $50,000, or something, but I really feel like you should have some idea of how much others are going to be spending before you hand over that large of a list. "You're going to pay? Okay, here's 200 people I expect you to pay for!"
</div>

naomikb · June 2012

I was in the same boat... knew they were going to contribute but didn't know how much. My FI and I made our guest list and then went to our parents and asked them if they wanted to add anybody. At some point in that conversation I dropped the "it's going to cost about $130 pp, so we have to be selective here" so that they had a general idea of the costs associated with a wedding these days. A few weeks later after they had time to discuss between them they approached us and told us how much they were going to give us.

I'd start some general planning (don't book anything!), talk over menus with your mom, discuss venues or whatever and then let them come to you.

lavie526 · June 2012

FYI: fiancé is a man that is engaged to be married and fiancée is a woman engaged to be married

I also recently got engaged and immediately began thinking budget. I was talking to my mom about venues and ideas for our destination wedding and budgets and stuff and my parents just offerred to help out financially. That really should get them to step up if they were planning to without you having to ask. I agree with the others' advice.

FaunaQT · June 2012

I feel like everybody else here did something different than what I did, so I'll just add my 2 cents.

My parents are both divorced and my mother is remarried. They have always said they would pay for the wedding. The way I brought it up was very frank and I'm sure would appall many people on this site. I just simply told them the rough estimate of what everything would cost, and then asked them how much they both were going to be able to contribute.

I know this sounds completely gauche to some people, but my parents have ALWAYS been up front about footing the bill. They have always let me know it was their gift to me and that I shouldnt' worry or stress about the financial aspect. In this respect, I felt comfortable bringing it up front with them.

I didn't feel like I had to hint around, beat around the bush, or wait for them to bring it up. Family dynamics are different for everybody. Culturally, it would have been extremely in bad graces for my parents not to pay. When I brought up the estimated cost, they simply said ok, helped me plan some more, and didn't at all seem offended or disturbed by the idea that i asked them. Like I said, for my family and culture, it is completely normal.

If your family is a bit more quiet about money and you feel awkward bringing it up, just do what your gut tells you to do. You know them better than we do! I'm sure all of these pp's have given you great advice for you to follow, so you just do what you think is the best route!

*Edit*

Although I was expecting my parents to pay for most of the wedding, I made sure to tell them that if they weren't able to contribute, that it was ok. I have saved up for the cost of the weddinig just in case.

MrsF0831 · June 2012

<div><strong>Honestly Im with you. I dont think its crazy to ask just like you ask your parents about anything else usually that involves money (although I never really did) My parents too are divorced my step mom and dad just came out and said of course they will help us out the best they can. Didnt really give us a price or anything and my step mom said she wants to give me money toward my dress that doesn't count toward what they are going to give us toward the wedding. as for my mom i flat out ASKED her. not demanded or expected I just simply asked if she thinks she would be able to help out at all with the wedding. She said yes and since then she had a certain amount from her check to directly to another account that is for me. If either of them said no then it is what it is no biggie but my FI and I are still paying for a majority of the wedding.... So I say have a chat with your parents maybe say the two of you were thinking about the budget and just the guest list of definate invites and what they think a resonable budget amount should be. HTH</strong></div><div>
</div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_how-to-handle-the-budget-conversation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:c75de3c8-bb8a-43bf-9edc-37e4a7a38120Post:a0db3da1-2424-4acb-a4a7-e994dd417752">Re: How to handle the budget conversation?</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like everybody else here did something different than what I did, so I'll just add my 2 cents. My parents are both divorced and my mother is remarried. They have always said they would pay for the wedding. The way I brought it up was very frank and I'm sure would appall many people on this site. I just simply told them the rough estimate of what everything would cost, and then asked them how much they both were going to be able to contribute. I know this sounds completely gauche to some people, but my parents have ALWAYS been up front about footing the bill. They have always let me know it was their gift to me and that I shouldnt' worry or stress about the financial aspect. In this respect, I felt comfortable bringing it up front with them. I didn't feel like I had to hint around, beat around the bush, or wait for them to bring it up. Family dynamics are different for everybody. Culturally, it would have been extremely in bad graces for my parents not to pay. When I brought up the estimated cost, they simply said ok, helped me plan some more, and didn't at all seem offended or disturbed by the idea that i asked them. Like I said, for my family and culture, it is completely normal. If your family is a bit more quiet about money and you feel awkward bringing it up, just do what your gut tells you to do. You know them better than we do! I'm sure all of these pp's have given you great advice for you to follow, so you just do what you think is the best route! *Edit* Although I was expecting my parents to pay for most of the wedding, I made sure to tell them that if they weren't able to contribute, that it was ok. I have saved up for the cost of the weddinig just in case.
Posted by FaunaQT[/QUOTE]

[Deleted User] · June 2012

Update - we talked with my parents about the budget - they didn't seem at all disturbed to be asked about it. We have a figure, thankfully, and have cut our guest list down considerably to about 150 people to be a more manageable number. Lavie526 - Thanks for the info. I was not aware as I have never had to use this term before!

benozzy31 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_how-to-handle-the-budget-conversation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:c75de3c8-bb8a-43bf-9edc-37e4a7a38120Post:476d1c10-b991-496f-8e14-ff686509fa04">Re: How to handle the budget conversation?</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't. You do not ask anyone, even parents, for money for your wedding. You wait for them to bring it up and if they offer, great, if they don't you have to pay for it yourself. My dad has enough to pay for my wedding multiple times over but there is no way I'd ask him for money. My mom has offered to help, which is greatly appreciated, but I did not ask her to help. The best thing to do is assume you are paying for all of it and plan accordingly; if someone offers to help then you can think about adding/doing more.
Posted by julib33[/QUOTE]

I've gotten some advice from older coworkers who'se children are about to get married, as well as wedding magazines (which are obviously not always right :p ) and everywhere I've heard that your wedding is the one time you are ALLOWED to ask for money. Pending family dynamics, of course, but if your wedding is a family celebration and your parents have talked about it in the past, you might tactfully bring it up at dinner or something, just say you and fiance are ready to think about wedding dates and venues and wonder how your parents want to contribute to it?

I am paying for my wedding myself with an inheritance from my mom, so I think it is wonderful that your family has already said they want to be involved and help you with the cost, so good luck with the budget talk :)

jemmini6 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_how-to-handle-the-budget-conversation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:c75de3c8-bb8a-43bf-9edc-37e4a7a38120Post:c5ab522a-957f-4191-b035-c28b23bb7b4f">Re: How to handle the budget conversation?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle the budget conversation? : I've gotten some advice from older coworkers who'se children are about to get married, as well as wedding magazines (which are obviously not always right :p ) and everywhere <strong>I've heard that your wedding is the one time you are ALLOWED to ask for money</strong>. Pending family dynamics, of course, but if your wedding is a family celebration and your parents have talked about it in the past, you might tactfully bring it up at dinner or something, just say you and fiance are ready to think about wedding dates and venues and wonder how your parents want to contribute to it? I am paying for my wedding myself with an inheritance from my mom, so I think it is wonderful that your family has already said they want to be involved and help you with the cost, so good luck with the budget talk :)
Posted by benozzy31[/QUOTE]

You heard wrong. Unless your parents have specifically offered to pay for your wedding (them mentioning it growing up sort of counts, although it's always best to err on the side of caution and wait for them to bring it up once you are actually enagaged and plannig a wedding), then you ALWAYS plan to pay for it yourself.

If you are adult enough to get married, you are adult enough to pay for it yourself. It is never anyone else's responsibility to help pay for it, ever...and it is beyond rude to ask for money.

How to handle the budget conversation?

Re: How to handle the budget conversation?

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