vent - parents and budget issues

larzhope04 · July 2010

long... sorry!

I had a conversation today with my dad and I am so so frustrated.

As some of you may know, my FI and I are still very early in the planning stages, but I am wanting to get the church/reception hall locked down soon so I don't have to worry about it. My parents have alwas said (from the time I was a small child) that they were paying for my wedding. I come from a big Italian family and its traditional that the brides parents pay for most everything. My mom has been talking about going to put deposits down on things and putting things on her credit card (i am also long distance in Seattle).

I told them that if they were planning to contribute, it would be helpful for FI and I to know how much they were planning to contribute so that we could budget for anything above and beyond. My dad and I talked today and his first question was "how much are FI's parents contributing?" When I told him that (nicely) it wasn't any of his business and that him and my mom didn't need to contribute anything either, he got super upset and said he absolutely would not allow FI and I to pay for any of our wedding. He kept insisting to know if FI's parents are paying for anything (which we haven't asked them because we don't feel comfortable doing so!) and kept making remarks about how it wasn't fair for all of the wedding expenses to fall on him.

I would go ahead and just put deposits down myself and start paying for things myself, but I worry that my dad would end up writing us a check at the end and then being extremely bitter about not being included.

A whole separate issue is that my parents feel my wedding is a good time to put on a show for people, so my mom is wanting all of these food/drink upgrades that we don't think are important nor do we want us (or them) to waste thousands of dollars on.

I'm sure we'll find a happy medium, it just is super frustrating that things are so hairy this earily on. I want to keep the peace with my parents as much as possible!

ugh...

*Rebecca and Chris* · July 2010

If I was in that situation, I would just start paying for things myself (or at least putting down the initial deposit) and doing the budget based on what I could afford. Then if the parents want to contribute, great, if not, then I wouldn't be in debt. Then if your mom wants to do upgrades, then you can tell her that you were not budgeting for it, but if she would like to add it on and pay, she is more than welcome too.

But good for you guys on not asking him family to contribute. If they want too, they will offer. If not, then you didn't look bad for asking for a hand out.

sunkissed212 · July 2010

Budgets are sucky...the financial aspect of the wedding can be the most frustrating. I think most of us go through this at one point or another in the planning process. I agree with Rebecca. It is your wedding, regardless of whether your parents are paying for it or not (some may disagree), so you need to start making decisions that you want to make. Maybe sit down with your parents and explain to them that you're not interested in the fancy upgrades and all the extras and that you and FI just want a simple day to celebrate your marriage. It is very easy for parents (esp MOB's ) to get caught up in the excitement of their daughter's wedding and want it to be a party to show off but they need to realize the true importance of the day and your happiness should be at the top of the list. If simpler, and less extravagant would make you happy...then that's what they should want. It's for you, not for them!

Good luck, I'm sure it will all work out (it usually does) but I know it can get stressful and frustrating anytime you're dealing with money and weddings and parents all at the same time.

Knottie1435582995 · July 2010

We went the "traditional" route. My parents paid for the wedding, but we requested that DH's parents pay for the rehearsal and dinner. DH's dad ended up contributing a bit more for other incidentials as well. You could also ask for that, and maybe it will make your dad happy that they are contributing to something.

Julz629 · July 2010

Just start planning with what you can afford. At the beginning, FI's parents kept telling us they would help us out, but they were very hesitant to commit to a certain amount or what they would pay for. So we just went ahead with planning, based on what we could afford, and what my parents were willing to help out with. As soon as plans were in the works and deposits were being paid, FI's parents finally gave us their amount and we were very appreciative. But if they hadn't done anything, we were prepared for that too.

culbycheese · July 2010

After we got engaged, my uncle said he and my grandma were going to pay for everything the bride's family is supposed to pay for. We started planning based on what we could afford if we were paying for the whole shindig and had to listen to my uncle tell us not to be cheap, blah, blah, blah.

Grandma decides to give us a set amount that she is comfortable with, and that she will give the other grandkids the same amount whenthey get married. Absolutely fine, I didn't want her to pay for half- that's a lot of money! Uncle ponies up the same amount. Also fine, we're appreciative of everything we were given, but nowhere near everything the brides family pays for. And a reneg, but he's done that before so I wasn't surprised and why we were budgeting the way we were so we weren't disappointed and still had a kick butt wedding.

Work off your budget. Start booking things and making deposits. Let your parents know what you are doing- and let FI's family know, too. Maybe once it starts getting concrete, they'll offer. We never asked DH's family about contributing, but his mom gave us $1,500 and she & his dad paid for the rehearsal dinner.

Unfortunately, your mom is going to have her ideas of what your wedding should be, but you just have to stand firm. Let her win on some little things you could care less about- like I invited my mom's next-door neighbors.

Good luck!

cmkuno · July 2010

We're going through a similar thing with FI's dad. He offered to cover the traditional groom's family items of rehearsal dinner and bar. I encouraged FI to ask him to just give us a set amount of money and we'll budget and spend it where we need to. I figured that would be easier for him since he wouldn't have to wait until the end of the night to know how much he had committed to! But he really doesn't want to do that for some reason. He's rather just pick up the tab at the end of the night and pay for exactly what we spent. In fact, he wants to UPGRADE the bar, which is going to be at least an additional $500 if not more. We would much rather put that money into other things, we could care less what kind of wine they serve. But he is being really firm that this is how he wants to spend his money. And honestly, it's not for us to tell him how to spend his money, we just need to be grateful for whatever he contributes. It is frustrating, but what can you do?

MeghanAshley00 · July 2010

I come from an Italian family as well & this exact scenario happened with us. While we were open about how much people were contributing (due to budgeting and such) my dad could just not fathom how we had to pay for a portion of our own wedding, or that other friends had gifted us items for the wedding. He was very bitter about letting us pay for it as well.

There were tense moments and a lot of back and forth arguing... but honestly, I'm glad that I can say I paid for some of my wedding. Do what feels right to you - always be gracious towards your father and just explain to him that not all families are the same & the times have changed!

vent - parents and budget issues

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