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MOB makes plans look bad

CowgirlK39CowgirlK39 member
500 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
in Moms and Maids
My lovely mother has been nagging me non stop to hurry up and get all my plans done this very minute. I have just under a year, and while we have all our stuff picked out (ceremony site, reception site, dresses, photog, etc) nothing is set in stone yet. My FI and I work two jobs and havent had the time yet to really work on it. Because of this, everytime Im with my mom and we run into family/friends, she says things like "IF this happens on time..." or "They are doing this and that but have NOTHING done" and all this other negative stuff. It is very hurtful and I end up getting very angry and sarcastic with her because she doesnt consider our hectic schedule. She has said numerous times that I have no "right" to the date we picked because we have nothing booked yet, therefore its like we arent even getting married. THAT is hurtful! How do I get her to stop saying these things, especially in front of friends/fam?
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Re: MOB makes plans look bad

  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-plans-look-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b27839fe-e65d-48de-8256-fb18b8dbe322Post:42ae2aff-4241-48c8-88db-f707a43943e8">MOB makes plans look bad</a>:
    [QUOTE]My lovely mother has been nagging me non stop to hurry up and get all my plans done this very minute. I have just under a year, and while we have all our stuff picked out (ceremony site, reception site, dresses, photog, etc) nothing is set in stone yet. My FI and I work two jobs and havent had the time yet to really work on it. Because of this, everytime Im with my mom and we run into family/friends, she says things like "IF this happens on time..." or "They are doing this and that but have NOTHING done" and all this other negative stuff. It is very hurtful and I end up getting very angry and sarcastic with her because she doesnt consider our hectic schedule.<strong> She has said numerous times that I have no "right" to the date we picked because we have nothing booked yet,</strong> therefore its like we arent even getting married. THAT is hurtful! How do I get her to stop saying these things, especially in front of friends/fam?
    Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]

    Stop telling her your potential plans. Problem solved.

    And she's kind of right about the date you picked -- if you don't have anything booked, like where you're getting married or where you're having the reception, you don't really have a date.
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  • CassieeKCassieeK
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yes, at least get your venue booked.  You really can't do anything else until you have that b/c you will need that information to proceed with most of your other vendors.
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  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Explain to her how she is making you feel. Have a heart to heart with her and don't get sarcastic or mean. Just be honest. 

    Like PPs said, she is kind of right. Until you have a few major things set, your date really could change. What if the venue you're dying to have is booked that date alread? What if your dream photographer/DJ/whoever else can't do that date? You'd have to make some choices. Sure, it is possible to hold fast to that date, but until you get things set, it is way more realistic that you might change your mind. 
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
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  • CowgirlK39CowgirlK39 member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011

    All of our "vendors" are friends of ours and we have verbal agreements with them, including the ceremony site. We want to draft contracts, just to have something in writing but its not like these are hard core professionals. We got permission to use the ceremony site we wanted, which was basically our way of "booking" it. Everything we do, my mother finds a way to say "Yeah well you dont have this or that so you still arent getting married." Its just hard when both my FI and I work about 60 hrs/wk in order to pay for this all.

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    If you and fi are paying for your own wedding, you don't have to discuss your wedding plans with your mother, at all.

    If the plans don't work out because you relied too much on verbal agreements with friends, rather than contracts, it's on you and fi. It's not costing your mom anything, right?
                       
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  • CowgirlK39CowgirlK39 member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    She says she will help us pay for things, but hasnt decided what she would help with, and like I said, seems to always find some reason to decide we "arent far enough along in the plans" for her to decide.

    We are NOT relying on the verbal commitments. As I said, we intend to draft contracts with these people as soon as we can. I guess the issue I originally posted about isnt about how far along we are, but instead more about her constantly making comments to everyone we meet that we have "nothing" done.
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  • dramazdramaz
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    OP - I do kind of agree with her. I tend to over plan, FI and I had almost everything booked 9-12 months in advance. Stop talking about your plans and intentions with your mom until you have some more stuff set in stone.
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-plans-look-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b27839fe-e65d-48de-8256-fb18b8dbe322Post:ecd67d55-68ee-4202-a2a5-83ad38c5b1bc">Re: MOB makes plans look bad</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>She says she will help us pay for things, but hasnt decided what she would help with,</strong> and like I said, seems to always find some reason to decide we "arent far enough along in the plans" for her to decide. We are NOT relying on the verbal commitments. As I said, we intend to draft contracts with these people as soon as we can. I guess the issue I originally posted about isnt about how far along we are, but instead more about her constantly making comments to everyone we meet that we have "nothing" done.
    Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]

    Assume that you're paying for everything yourselves until you have her cash in your hand.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-plans-look-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b27839fe-e65d-48de-8256-fb18b8dbe322Post:ecd67d55-68ee-4202-a2a5-83ad38c5b1bc">Re: MOB makes plans look bad</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>She says she will help us pay for things, but hasnt decided what she would help with</strong>, and like I said, seems to always find some reason to decide we "arent far enough along in the plans" for her to decide. We are NOT relying on the verbal commitments. As I said, we intend to draft contracts with these people as soon as we can. I guess the issue I originally posted about isnt about how far along we are, but instead more about her constantly making comments to everyone we meet that we have "nothing" done.
    Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]

    Ok, if she is being such a pain about your plans now and she hasn't shelled out any money think about how she will be if she does give you money.  If she pays for any portion of your wedding she will have a lot of say over that portion.  I would plan the wedding that you and your FI can afford and stop talking to her about your wedding plans until things are booked and set in stone.

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  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ditto Ziti and Maggie 100%. 
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
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  • StacyJennigesStacyJenniges
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I would sit down and let her know how you feel, talk over why she is so negative.  Maybe there are other issues going on that she is so negative. 

    I do agree with PP about getting contracts and that untl you know for sure that you have the ceremony site and reception site you cann't be positvie you are having a wedding. 
    "Faith Hope and Love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest is Love"
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  • MyUserName1MyUserName1 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-plans-look-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b27839fe-e65d-48de-8256-fb18b8dbe322Post:42ae2aff-4241-48c8-88db-f707a43943e8">MOB makes plans look bad</a>:
    [QUOTE]My lovely mother has been nagging me non stop to hurry up and get all my plans done this very minute. I have just under a year, and while we have all our stuff picked out (ceremony site, reception site, dresses, photog, etc) nothing is set in stone yet. My FI and I work two jobs and havent had the time yet to really work on it. Because of this, everytime Im with my mom and we run into family/friends, she says things like "IF this happens on time..." or "They are doing this and that but have NOTHING done" <strong>and all this other negative stuff. It is very hurtful and I end up getting very angry and sarcastic with her</strong> because she doesnt consider our hectic schedule. She has said numerous times that I have no "right" to the date we picked because we have nothing booked yet, therefore its like we arent even getting married. THAT is hurtful! <strong>How do I get her to stop saying these things, especially in front of friends/fam?</strong>
    Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]

    When you come back with an angry or sarcastic remark, you then look like the bad guy.  Turn that back around on her.

    A dramatic pause and a hurt expression are good weapons.

    Next time she says something rude in front of someone, I would pause, look extremely wounded and say something like  "Mom!  I can't believe you said that!" in a very sweet tone.

    Makes her look rude instead.
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  • laurenclaire1386laurenclaire1386
    5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:248061b9-5c07-4866-b48e-f27fec74bacePost:5400211a-b9ff-4efe-a813-ac4b5ff63e1c">Re: Gay children</a>:
    [QUOTE]I hope people in the future look back on homophobia like we look back on slavery. An embarrassment, and a ludicrous idea that one group could be less than another. I know there are probably assholes who don't feel this way about slavery, but hopefully the general population will see it this way. I'm not sure if that made any sense, but in my head it did.
    Posted by raypoppins[/QUOTE]
    I fear that as long as there are religious zealots, there will be homophobia. I do foresee us getting to a point, as a country, where we stop trying to legislate who sticks their weiner where, though.
    image
    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
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  • laurenclaire1386laurenclaire1386
    5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    TK only kicks me to random boards when I say the word weiner, I swear to god. Sorry guys. Carry on.
    image
    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
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  • dsmmdsmm member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm one of those people who don't feel comfortable until it's in writing.  How ever, to get any signed contracts around here, you have to put a down payment.  You and your intended need to sit down and work out a budget.  Tell mom that you're wanting to move foreward and get those contracts but it's kinda hard to do if you don't have an idea of how much is in the total budget.  See where I'm going with this?  Tell mom to put her money wihere her mouth is.
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  • CowgirlK39CowgirlK39 member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    My FI is setting up an apointment with our ceremony site owner today, since we tried to stop by and see him yesterday but he was not going to be home till late. We are getting our ducks in a row one by one but thats not what this whole post is about. When we run into people we know, my mom carries on about how nothing is getting done, instead of just saying "their wedding is set for such and such time/date and we are excited." She usually says something negative. Plus, the people we see usually are just random friends or whatnot who arent even gonna be there, so why the hell carry on negatively when these people dont need to know the details? Its embarrassing.... its like if someone came up to you, introduced you to their kid and then said "he/she is failing math class right now." No one needs to know that and its embarrassing.

    I talked to my dad the other day and mentioned it and he said even HE gets sick of her going on and on at home about our plans. He tells her to stop the negitivity about my plans!
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