What To Do??

LBM7189 · November 2009

So, I sent out my STDs and am currently working on the invite list. I sent a STD to a friend that I have distance myself from, but still wanted to invite her to wedding. Well, she has made some not so nice comments about my husband to be and myself as well as one of my bridesmaids that is a close mutual friend. My FI does not want her at the wedding. Since I sent the STD to her, do I have to send an invite??

andrea01012009 · November 2009

i can't believe you are asking this question. she said some bad things about the one you love and will marry for the rest of your life and you are wondering if she should be invited to the wedding....can you say not no but hell know....

LBM7189 · November 2009

You know, I wasn't asking for the obvious answer, because that one I know.

I was asking more along the lines of proper etiqutte since I have already sent out the STD cards. I dont want to add fuel to the fire. I just didn't know if anyone else had dealt with a situation in which they sent a STD to someone, later regreted even sending it because they didn't want the person at the wedding and if they followed up with the actual invite because it's the right thing to do, or if they just didn't send one to that person.

Jessica82799 · November 2009

I would say you have to think about it in the context of your future friendship with that person. If you want to continue being friends with her, I would say you probably need to bite the bullet and send the invite. Afterall, not sending is a pretty big slap in the face. That said, if you don't think you want to continue the friendship because she is saying bad things about your FI, I wouldn't invite her. You don't need any bad blood at your wedding. HTH!

keserzan · November 2009

There are definitely people I have sent STDs to that I now wonder if I should have considered differently - thus the problem with a long engagement and an over-eager bride. However, I've not been in a situation where there are clear issues with said people.

Etiquette says: STD sent, invitation should definite.y be sent.

However, I'm bitchy enough to not send an invite if I was completely ready to end all ties to said person who was being crappy to/about my FI. The only other thing I would consider is the mutual friends you might have and whether you think it would affect those relationships. If there is any possibility of that, then as long as she won't be causing drama or a scene at your wedding, then maybe sending the invite won't hurt. She may grow up, and decide attending isn't her place anyway - then you both win.

Good luck!

kristyand · November 2009

Ditto Jessica. I am a big one for etiquette and all but if it is still bothering you and you don't desire to maintain pleasant relations much less a friendship with this person I would consider forgoing the invitation. But yes, it pretty much is a must to send an invitation to anyone you send a STD to. But at the end of the day, no one can make you follow that rule, and especially not if you don't care about the outcome.

Being honest, I had one person I did this to. I sent her a STD (her and her bf--but did send them separately because they did not live together, her bf was a roommate of my now DH). The week I addressed and sent out the STDs, they broke up and she moved back to Florida. Her and I hadn't become friends, it was more of a 'you are dating a guy my then FI was friends with so I see you and you are nice enough.' Well... I never heard from her and I knew if I sent an invitation she would come from FL to my wedding, because her xbf would be there. That is not what my wedding was going to be about. And I ultimately had control over that. So there was my one case of a sent STD and no follow up invitation. I haven't heard from her since. I am happy with the decision I made. And happy to have not had to be concerned with it on my wedding day. And happy to have not come back from our HM to hear stories of what went down that I missed because I was the bride. I'd rather hear about how pretty I looked, or how happy we seemed, etc. etc. truth be told (ha) than guess what happened between x-so and so's. And happy (perhaps terribly) that I didn't force a friendship because she "went to all the effort to accept and come to my wedding." Which I feel could have been a necessity had it gone that way. I am the type of person to generally feel obliged.

Thoughts?

katherineUTC · November 2009

I would have NO problem, I repeat, no problem, not sending her an invite. Etiquette goes out the window once you've talked smack about my future husband... !

bagantt · November 2009

I love the answers from Jessica, Kristy and the Katherines - great advice ladies

Lauren, I think the ball is in your court. Do you expect to see this person over the next little bit before you send out your invitations? Perhaps she is just jealous of you? (Not that that would justify her behavior but it might give you a different perspective)

grace_uga · November 2009

I also have to say that I sent one STD out that I did not follow up with an invitation. A guy we knew from college and after college received an STD when he was dating this very nice girl. He and I never got along - he made me really uncomfortable and was a horrible guest every time he came over to our house - many times uninvited. I saw his behavior at a friend's wedding and a friend's baby shower between the time the STDs were sent and the invitations needed to be sent. He acted incredibly inappropriately at both and said some really crass things in front of family members. I could not have that at my wedding, it would have stressed me out. So we didn't send him an invitation. There was some backlash - but it was worth it to avoid the drama at the wedding.

LBM7189 · November 2009

You hit it- she is jealous and she has been since we started to date! She was my go out single gal pal and thinks I dropped her for FI. That is totally not true, she started to run with a "party" crowd and dabbled in drug use. Though I tried to be supportive, I had to distance myself from her extra curricular activities. I have tried to mend the friendship. She told me when I got engaged that she thought I could do better, but that it didn't matter because he would die soon enough (because he is a little older than I) and she would have me back. How F'd up is that to say!!

So, I think the comments about him were bad enough that i can handle any backlash that comes from not sending the invite as a follow up. Besides, she would probably show up with some random guy at the wedding too, and her track record is not so good in that department!

Thanks girls!

bagantt · November 2009

Yea, jealousy gets the best of a lot of people, its really sad. And that age comment is pretty messed up - it sounds like you aren't that close with her anymore so the age thing should definitely be off limits as a joking topic. I'm not sure if you plan on seeing this person any time soon, but I'd avoid any wedding talk if so just so she can't stumble upon the not getting an invitation situation.

Good luck!

midnite007x · November 2009

lauren, there have been a few girls and other friends in my life that i have distance myself from and even cut off since i have been engaged and even prior to that during FI and I relationship, and it wasn't an easy decision to make.
it is hard for some people to realize that when you are going to marry your BEST FRIEND that does change your life and perspective and while you aren't dissing your friends, some things do change. alot of people that don't respect that or cant understand it, tend to be very jealous and disrespectful.
i know you want to be the bigger person and try to be understanding of her and overlook some of the comments but at some point it does get to a point where you just have to be the one to draw the line......the comment she made about your FI dying is totally uncalled for, cruel and disrespectful (joking around or not). that alone would make me want to walk away from this friendship and be done with her immaturity.

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