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Cold Feet

teacherbride30teacherbride30 member
First Comment
in Second Weddings
The inviations are supposed to go out tomorrow.  My FI is gone taking his son half way across Texas to give him back to his mother.  I'm having some serious second thoughts.  My FI's x wife is extremely needy and expects my FI to pay for just about everything on top of the generous child support he already pays her.  He even made a deal with her to give her extra child support that the court doesn't know about.  She sent him a text yesterday saying that his son needs shoes because  his old ones are broken.  My FI takes his son down to the mall immediately and buys him two pairs of shoes.  This wouldn't bother me if his mother bought him shoes every now and then too.  She also gets government money because the son is disabled.  She drives a Lexus and gets her nails done...but needs him to buy shoes.  There are a lot of more issues conerning his x wife that I don't like...so we went to counseling.  The counselor practically said the same thing I did and I thought we had it all squared away.  Well...he didn't tell me about the shoes and I just found out on my own.  He buys their son EVERYTHING.  I have a son of my own and my FI wants to have more kids and wants me to quit my job soon once I become pregnant.  How in the hell are we going to afford all of this? I just don't know what to do....he is keeping things from me now and I thought we had it all straightened out.  This isn't what I signed up for.
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Re: Cold Feet

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    blush64blush64 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_cold-feet-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:8f483bc8-0700-49b9-82ae-f11fdc6139ecPost:4faee3e1-1527-440e-8231-706911f2f890">Cold Feet</a>:
    [QUOTE]The inviations are supposed to go out tomorrow.  My FI is gone taking his son half way across Texas to give him back to his mother.  I'm having some serious second thoughts.  My FI's x wife is extremely needy and expects my FI to pay for just about everything on top of the generous child support he already pays her.  He even <strong>made a deal with her to give her extra child support that the court doesn't know about.</strong>  She sent him a text yesterday saying that his son needs shoes because  his old ones are broken.  My FI takes his son down to the mall immediately and buys him two pairs of shoes.  This wouldn't bother me if his mother bought him shoes every now and then too.  She also gets government money because the son is disabled.  She drives a Lexus and gets her nails done...but needs him to buy shoes.  There are a lot of more issues conerning his x wife that I don't like...so we went to counseling.  The counselor practically said the same thing I did and I thought we had it all squared away.  Well...he didn't tell me about the shoes and I just found out on my own.  <strong>He buys their son EVERYTHING</strong>. <strong> I have a son of my own</strong> and my FI wants to have more kids and wants me to quit my job soon once I become pregnant.  How in the hell are we going to afford all of this? I just don't know what to do....he is keeping things from me now and I thought we had it all straightened out.  This isn't what I signed up for.
    Posted by teacherbride30[/QUOTE]

    One, he should not be keeping anything from the courts.

    Two, It's <strong>his </strong>son. Sure she should be paying but the bottom line is it's HIS son. He should be paying for him and if the mother won't do it someone has to. It's just great that he is willing to rather than making the child suffer. (a lot of men would let to the child go without to stick it to the ex-wife and that's not right.)

    Three, you have a son. Is it with your FI? If not, do you receive support from <strong>his </strong>father? (and how does your FI feel about that?) If he is helping support your son obvisouly he should be supporting his own. (even if the mother isn't doing enough) When one parent doesn't do enough the other parent has to do more. (or should) Once you do quit he will be supporting you and your son. (and future kids) and he shouldn't be cutting back on his own child's support to support anyone. (unless to make everything even.)

    If he now feels as though he has to lie to give his son shoes there is a problem but it isn't all with him. This all needs to be worked through soon. Telling lies isn't right in any way. Making someone choose between buying their child shoes and keeping things good at home isn't right either.
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    teacherbride30teacherbride30 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It's not just shoes.  He bought her an Iphone too because she lost hers.  I have one of those that came free.  My child is from my first marriage and I do not receive support from his father nor do I receive it from my FI.  I work full time and always have.  The x wife doesn't work but has a college degree.  I support my child 100%....just like I always have. I plan on keeping our finances separate because I do not feel that I should support her too.  It's really not about shoes, it's about whatever she wants and my fiance jumps.  I haven't agreed to quitting my job....I would feel extremely uneasy relying on someone like that. I have never NOT worked...
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    teacherbride30teacherbride30 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Oh....I actually bought his son his last pair of shoes. No one told me to.  His old pair was nasty and I got him some.   I thought she would buy them this time.  Like I said....I support myself and I do not live with my fiance.  I have my own residence and a son to provide for as well. 
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    shytownkellyshytownkelly
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ok - so I get that this isn't REALLY about the shoes - or even the money.  I think the issue here is that it seems like your FI enjoys being so needed by his ex.  It doesn't seem like he's cut the connection to an appropriate level (for a man getting re-married to another woman). 

    If this is close to the mark - then I think you're correct to have cold feet.  Effectively you are in a 3 way relationship until his ex let's him go or he sets the appropriate limits. 

    I'm going to suggest going back to counseling.  Until you can feel more comfortable about his involvement with his ex, you might want to put a hold on the wedding/planning.

    Good luck!
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    teacherbride30teacherbride30 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I went out to eat with my mom this evening and told her everything.  I started crying.  The invites are right here and are supposed to be mailed off soon.  I just don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life.  Yes, kids need shoes and I don't want to come off like a wicked step mother.  I just don't think she needs an Iphone and the extra money left over that she doesn't spend (since FI is paying for it) to get her nails and toes done.  She was very spoiled apparently by my FI and I thought maybe the attraction was that I'm so independent and not needy.  But I guess he still needs to feel needed......by HER. 
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    Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_cold-feet-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:8f483bc8-0700-49b9-82ae-f11fdc6139ecPost:1c78308b-ade0-4b8c-becb-8ef2ecffc63d">Re: Cold Feet</a>:
    [QUOTE]I went out to eat with my mom this evening and told her everything.  I started crying.  The invites are right here and are supposed to be mailed off soon.  I just don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life.  Yes, kids need shoes and I don't want to come off like a wicked step mother.  I just don't think she needs an Iphone and the extra money left over that she doesn't spend (since FI is paying for it) to get her nails and toes done.  She was very spoiled apparently by my FI and I thought maybe the attraction was that I'm so independent and not needy.  But I guess he still needs to feel needed......by HER. 
    Posted by teacherbride30[/QUOTE]

    From what you have written, you <u>do</u> know ... you <u>cannot</u> deal with this for the rest of your life.  Wait on mailing those invitations until you can talk this out with your fiance.  Perhaps you both need time, a lot of time, to figure out the next steps.  I wish you the very best.  Good luck!
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    teacherbride30teacherbride30 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you.  He told me that he was going to tell her that he was going to take the cost of the shoes out of her "bonus checks" of child support.  He wanted me to ride with him to drop off his son, but I told him that since he would be discussing these issues with her, I shouldn't be there.  So, I'm home alone and going crazy because my son is at my parent's house, visiting with his grandparents.  Now I just hope that he did tell her something and that it's not a lie.  Again, it's not about SHOES.  It's about boundaries and her just demanding things and him jumping.  I'm seriously having a melt down and don't want to talk about this with anyone else.  I'm embarrassed and want to keep it looking like everything is perfect.  Thank you all.
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    blush64blush64 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_cold-feet-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:8f483bc8-0700-49b9-82ae-f11fdc6139ecPost:c51943e8-46aa-4cd5-a3e3-499967362d0f">Re: Cold Feet</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's not just shoes.  He bought her an Iphone too because she lost hers.  I have one of those that came free.  My child is from my first marriage and I do not receive support from his father nor do I receive it from my FI.  I work full time and always have.  The x wife doesn't work but has a college degree.  I support my child 100%....just like I always have. I plan on keeping our finances separate because I do not feel that I should support her too.  It's really not about shoes, it's about whatever she wants and my fiance jumps.  I haven't agreed to quitting my job....I would feel extremely uneasy relying on someone like that. I have never NOT worked...
    Posted by teacherbride30[/QUOTE]


    That is much different that how it sounded at first.

    It's not right that he jumps for her in non-child related things and you are SO right in having feet here. I am with you on that.

    I am in the same sort of situation in that I also am the sole support parent of my kids, it's tough.

    He needs to look at his actions and the reasons behind them. Maybe talking to someone (as you tried) would help if it were ongoing. As it stands now I wouldn't be getting married to this guy. No matter how wonderful in other areas he needs to change certain behaviours before you marry him.
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    mybooboosmybooboos member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry you're going through this feeling of uncertainty.  You should listen to your heart, and if you're concerned, than you probably have a good reason to be.  If he's hiding purchases of his son's shoes, than you right to wonder what other purchases would he hide, of his son's or his ex.  It sounds like the "bonus" money is to cover her manis/pedis and not really being used for his son (she couldn't skip a manicure to buy him shoes instead?).

    Let him know how you're feeling, and suggest that you go back into counseling, to work through this. Hopefully you'll both work through all of this, and resolve your doubts and concerns. Good luck!   
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    Marrin713Marrin713 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    At this point, I would postpone wedding at the very least.  Perhaps your independence which may have attracted him in the first place is now making him feel like you don't really "need" him - good job, own home, raising son on your own.  Some men just want to be the rescuer (is there such a word?)  Good luck.
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    lindaloulubbocklindaloulubbock
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think you really need to work through not only the financial aspects of your relationship, but also trust.  You don't trust him to do what he said he would.  He wasn't upfront about the shoes.  You need to trust one another, and I wouldn't mail invitations until you do.
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    awayagainawayagain member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
     Well...he didn't tell me about the shoes and I just found out on my own. 

    That's a big trust issue right there - listen to your instincts....
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    right1thistimeright1thistime member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I agree with the above posters.  You need to feel more confident in trusting him before you marry him. 

    But I do have to add.  Money given to her to provide support to the child is hers to spend.  It truly irks me when people seem to think that the person providing the support get to tell the custodial parent how to spend it.  She must have some other source of income besides her child support, her bonus checks and her government assistance. (You don't drive a Lexus on that, unless your FI is sending her a huge amount of money. )  And if she uses her other income to treat herself to a mani/pedi, she can, and it's none of your business.  She does not have to go without to prove herself worthy of child support.  There are expenses (like housing, utilities, groceries, etc) that don't show up in the kid's possessions.  

    Finally, if your Fi is sending her the bonus money in a traceable form, such as a check,  be prepared for her to protest when he stops (for example when you two have a child and you stop working and he can no longer afford to.)  If she were to produce copies of those checks (or subpeona copies) it would indicate to the court that he was providing that support, and he could be required to continue it.  ~Donna

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    jerseydeviljerseydevil member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Definitely wait to mail those invitations, sweetie! It sucks that you have to deal with this and it sounds like you are already tired of it.

    I think you have every right to feel uncomfortable about the way that he continues to financially support his ex wife.

    Best of luck to you in dealing with this. If I was in your position I'd either be calling it off or going for lots more counselling before marrying him.
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    mgd1121mgd1121 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hate to say this, but I agree.  Wait to mail the invites.  There are some trust issues you're dealing with here.  That's the big picture part of this.  And you're NOT being unreasonable or neurotic.  As a woman who receives child support from her xH, I keep very close records of what I buy because I feel it is very important to be able to account for that money.  I only spend it on what my son needs, but it frees up money that I make to spend on myself.

    It does sound like your FI hasn't cut that cord yet.  He enjoys being needed - he's the super hero to the rescue in the situation.  I think this is underscored by his desire to have you quit your job to have another child.  In that situation, you would be dependent on him - completely.  As a woman who is also wary of being totally reliant on someone else for everything they need, I can see how this would be a very unattractive situation to you.  He wants you to NEED him and I think with you being so independent, maybe he feels like you don't.

    I'm also very independent and my FI and I had to work through the ways that I could help him feel needed and important while maintaining my financial independence.  Ultimately, I agree with PP, wait to mail the invites, maybe even postpone the wedding.  There are deep issues here that need to be resolved first or you will be resolving them after the fact, which you may find can't be resolved.
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