Deleted

aschaaf · September 2010

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golden1215 · September 2010

Sorry to say what you probably don't want to hear but do not assume to know the details of someone else's finances. She probably wont come to the shower sans gift because its embarrassing. Same for your hotel, you dont know whats "expensive" to her.

And you most definitly do not make exs who are not on good terms sit next to each other at your wedding! Are you kidding me?

LuluP82 · September 2010

Um yeah...my parents absolutely refuse to sit next to each other. They've been divorced for 10 years. I'm not making them-- I don't want anyone to feel awkward during my wedding reception! I cannot believe you're even considering making her sit next to her ex-husband. Sure, some exes get along fine, but it doesn't sound like the case here.

As for your shower-- she said she can't afford to come, so let.it.go. Maybe she can't afford the train ticket, in addition to the gift. Did you think of that? Maybe she doesn't want to come and be the only one without a present. It's really her own business, and again, she's certainly not obligated to come to a pre-wedding party.

As for the hotel....if it's too expensive for her, it's to expensive for her. A good hostess would suggest a cheaper alternative, or-- since you're talking about the groom's mother here-- how about you two pay for her hotel, if it's important to have her there?

Honestly...she's the one who has cause for complaint here. Not you.

LuluP82 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_should-insulted-bride-wants-retaliate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:8ea05ba1-0157-444b-934c-01af1c3933cbPost:32fdf0f6-0850-40a9-9f12-307593d5bc1e">Re: Should I be insulted??/ Bride wants to retaliate</a>:
[QUOTE]The thing is... ALL of this has not even been mentioned to me. It's been to my mother or my FI (neither of which have had a large part of planning anything). I never said I was unwilling to help her-- JUST THE OPPOSITE I'm more than willing to pay for her train fare and her portion of the hotel room--I know she's having a rough time, but I just want her to be there for us. I don't care about gifts, it's all about family and being together. ITS OUR DAY not hers and if asking someone to sit at the same table with their ex and 9 other people for an hour or so is bad, well excuse me for wanting our parents and grandparents at their own special table.
Posted by aschaaf@edgewood.edu[/QUOTE]

It's not special to her. It's uncomfortable. It sucks that my parents don't get along well enough to sit with me at my wedding. Am I disappointed? Sure. I'd love to have a "normal" family. But I'm not going to make them suffer through something that will make them uncomfortable. So instead, I'm having our parents each "host" their own table, with some of their important guests (their parents, siblings, etc). Why don't you try something like that?

I know you say you're trying to be understanding of her situation, but that's not what it's coming across. It's coming across as rather Bridezilla-ish. "It's OUR DAY" isn't a good reason to make someone important to you or your FI uncomfortable. The fact she hasn't mentioned it to you, but to her son, isn't an excuse-- she's obviously not comfortable discussing her financial situation wtih you.

Honestly...when she decliend the shower invite, the APPROPRIATE response is "I'm sorry you can't make it!" Not to put her through the Spanish Inquisition as to why not!

redheadfsu · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_should-insulted-bride-wants-retaliate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:8ea05ba1-0157-444b-934c-01af1c3933cbPost:32fdf0f6-0850-40a9-9f12-307593d5bc1e">Re: Should I be insulted??/ Bride wants to retaliate</a>:
[QUOTE]The thing is... ALL of this has not even been mentioned to me. It's been to my mother or my FI (neither of which have had a large part of planning anything). I never said I was unwilling to help her-- JUST THE OPPOSITE I'm more than willing to pay for her train fare and her portion of the hotel room--I know she's having a rough time, but I just want her to be there for us. I don't care about gifts, it's all about family and being together. ITS OUR DAY not hers and if asking someone to sit at the same table with their ex and 9 other people for an hour or so is bad, well excuse me for wanting our parents and grandparents at their own special table.
Posted by aschaaf@edgewood.edu[/QUOTE]

ok breathe.

Your FI should not be telling you this stuff. He needs to deal with his mother, not you. You can't do anything. It is your FI's mother, let him deal with her.

clearheavens · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_should-insulted-bride-wants-retaliate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:8ea05ba1-0157-444b-934c-01af1c3933cbPost:2158a732-3e2d-43b7-840c-f94d7976235a">Re: Should I be insulted??/ Bride wants to retaliate</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Um yeah...my parents absolutely refuse to sit next to each other.</strong> They've been divorced for 10 years. I'm not making them-- I don't want anyone to feel awkward during my wedding reception! I cannot believe you're even considering making her sit next to her ex-husband. Sure, some exes get along fine, but it doesn't sound like the case here. As for your shower-- she said she can't afford to come, so let.it.go. Maybe she can't afford the train ticket, in addition to the gift. Did you think of that? Maybe she doesn't want to come and be the only one without a present. It's really her own business, and again, she's certainly not obligated to come to a pre-wedding party. As for the hotel....if it's too expensive for her, it's to expensive for her. A good hostess would suggest a cheaper alternative, or-- since you're talking about the groom's mother here-- <strong>how about you two pay for her hotel, if it's important to have her there? </strong>Honestly...she's the one who has cause for complaint here. Not you.
Posted by LuluP82[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree, if your parents don't get along, <em>do not </em>sit them together. It will be hell for both all night. I personally wouldn't sit them together even if they get along with each other to avoid confusion that they're <em>still</em> married.</div><div>
</div><div>I also think it's an excellent idea to offer to pay for her hotel. If she declines, she declines. But it would be a good gesture.</div>

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

The party is supposed to be for your guests, and a good hostess seats her guests in a manner that ensures that everyone can enjoy the meal. I don't care if it is YOUR wedding (*gag*), making people who hate each other sit next to each other just because they both happened to contribute to your DNA and it fits some magical fairy tale image you have of the day makes you a bad hostess and kind of mean.

megk8oz · September 2010

Do not make her and her ex-husband sit at the same table at the wedding. It's clear she doesn't want to ... and honestly, I don't see why she should have to. She may have said in front of you that "it's fine" ... but maybe she was just afraid that you're going to make her feel bad if she told you how she really felt. I really don't get why you would make any decisions about seating arrangements for his family, anyway. When it came to the seating chart I (With some help from my mom)filled out my side, and he (With the help of his sister) filled out his.

Both my and DH's parents are divorced. My parents do not get along, so it never occurred to me that they should sit at the same table. DH's mom and dad are amicable, but it still get awkward sometimes, so DH decided to keep the separate.. We sat them with people whose company they would enjoy, and everybody was very happy with the arrangement.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · September 2010

My mother requested she and my father (and my father's GF and my mom's husband) not sit at the same table. Okay, fine. I'm sure my father feels the same way.

I agree. Have your FI offer to pay for her hotel room/travel/whatever. I'd moved heaven and earth to get my immediately family to come to my wedding. Hell, my parents are paying for my brother's plane ticket and hotel room. And if they weren't, I would be.

MairePoppy · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_should-insulted-bride-wants-retaliate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:8ea05ba1-0157-444b-934c-01af1c3933cbPost:eb8c69c0-1043-40c6-b017-fb2ab0732af3">Should I be insulted??/ Bride wants to retaliate</a>:
[QUOTE]So... Just found out this week that my FMIL will not be attending my bridal shower-- says she can't afford it (even though I told her I didn't want a gift and her presence was enough) and doesn't have a way to get there (again, offered to give her a ride if she could meet me less than half-way via train which turned into a "why can't you just pick me up?" . Mind you that from her house it will be almost a 4 hour drive, meaning I would have to leave my house before 6am! to make my shower on time)..... ...and now my FMIL is saying that she can't afford the (discounted rate) hotel we've chosen to have our reception at even though she is planning on sharing the room with 3! other people.... ......oh, and did I mention that she called my mother up when she was declining to come to my shower that she is quitting smoking to buy us a gift?!? good lord. Forgot to mention she repeatedly told my FI that she refused to sit at the same table as his father (her ex) during our reception dinner until just the other night when she said she would do it for us.. ugh! I've almost considered asking her not to even bother coming if being with her children and our wedding is such a "burden" for her. It always is a pity party for her and I'm sick of it. Am I over-reacting? Any advice/feedback greatly appreciated since I'm at my wits end with her.
Posted by aschaaf@edgewood.edu[/QUOTE]

In response to your original question: Yes, you are over reacting. Your FMIL has called the hostess and declined the shower invitation because of financial difficulties. It's also possible that she is uncomfortable about traveling alone, since she is willing to go, if you pick her up. Does she have anyone else that could travel with her?

She has explained to her son that she doesn't want to sit with her ex at your wedding. You should honor this request. The wedding is a big deal to the parents as well as the bride and groom. They shouldn't be forced to create a false illusion of a happy family unit that doesn't exist IRL. Let your parents, his mother and his father each host their own tables. Then everyone really will be happy.

klm03013 · September 2010

I've never understood the whole "It's OUR day" mentality. It isn't just your day- it's your family's too, including your MIL (whether she can afford all the trimmings that you want or not). I'm sorry to sound harsh, but I think you should realize that this day is important to the people who raised you, love you, and are participating in bringing two (or more) families together. Nobody should be uncomfortable- it should be a celebration.

I sincerely hope that you were exaggerating when you said you wanted to ask her not to come. How would your FI feel about that? I think you should try to start married life off by comprimising and trying to form a good relationship with your MIL. I think you may want to reflect on the fact that marrying your FI means marrying his family, too.

zitiqueen · September 2010

Would you like to know why it's a bad idea to use an email address, especially a .edu one when you include your first name in your bio, for your log-in name?

Schnebs · September 2010

Ok yes you are overreacting. That being said - I can understand your frustration to a degree. My FMIL is a major pain in my rear to put it as nice as I possibly can. She flipped out over two seats on our seating chart and refused to come to the shower, rehearsal dinner, help with any future preparations, etc. She since has calmed down and gotten back on board with everything. Matter of fact she and FSIL (who is also a BM) both ganged up on me and told me they were bailing on everything. Again, both have gotten on board.

ANYWHO....she went through my FI and he handled the majority of it with the help of his best friend and best man. You need to understand that finances are a major sore spot for a lot of people. She is likey embarassed about not having a gift, etc like other PPs have stated.

As for the reception - both FI and I have divorced parents. We sat the mothers at one table and the fathers at another table, across the room. There are technically three honor table since we have a bridal party (and their guests) table, and two parent/grandparent tables. It made it easier on everyone involved because my father is remarried and my mother didn't really want to sit with his new wife (she has no issue with sitting with my father but I respected her request not to sit with his 4th wife), and FMIL and FFIL can't get along for five seconds, much less 4 hours. It makes things easier on you and your guests to avoid that drama like the plague.

Now as for YOUr/OUR DAY, etc. I think every bride on here, at some point in their planning process has uttered these words. It is a day that celebrates you and your FI. HOWEVER, it is not ONLY about you, but about everyone involved - you, FI, siblings, parents, grandparents, and friends. While you should do as much as you can to make your guests comfortable, I understand the desire to have your ideas come to life. Have I bent over backwards to make FMIL and FSIL happy, as well as my own mother and father? Yes. Have I stuck to my guns on some things? Yes. It is a balancing act and you have to ultimately do what is best for you and your FI and your families.

We can't tell you to do this or do that. You have to make that decision yourself. However, we can tell you that you are overreacting slightly and just need to take a step back. What about your FI going to pick his mother up and bringing her to the shower? He can spend time with her, she doesn't have to travel, and you don't have to get up at 6am? Either that or go get her the night before and take her our to dinner or a nice breakfast - just you and her, or the three of you?

More than likely she is just emotional - I know that is the case with my FMIL. Her emotions are running high, my emotions are rumming high, and it just causes more drama and fights where it really shouldn't. I really think that if you and FI just talk to her about it and explain that above all else you want her there, that things will go better.

And take some time and spend a day with her or something. Pay for her to have her own room if you can, and maybe offer to get her a facial or spa day right before the wedding or something (if money permits). Or even better - get your mom, you, his mom, and any sisters together for a "family spa day where you all can pamper one another. Thoughts?

Sorry this is long. I know where your frustration is coming from. So just breathe.

fairy_diva · September 2010

Yes you are over reating, chill out a little.

1. Don't make a big deal out of the seating arrangement. I will not be sitting FI's divorced parents together unless I want WW3 at my reception. Sit them separately, its not a huge deal and god knows if I had an EX I would not want to be seated with them. I even have to go as far as seat his mother and step mother apart during the ceremony, talk about a huge PIA! But I am doing it, this is my future family and I would rather not start off with half of them pissed at me over something I could help to avoid.

2. Ditto PPs, don't assume you know her finances and what she can afford. I know my FIL could not afford to spend money on a hotel room. Good thing our wedding is local. I do have hotels listed on my website but a lot or my family is staying with family to attend.If you want her there, reserve a room and pay for it and then buy her a train ticket and send it to her. Problem solved. If she calls about either one, hand the phone to FI and let him handle it. Tell you prepaid for the room to get a cheaper rate and its non-refundable and as for the train ticket, tell its too late to return it too.

3. Bridal shower. Girl feel lucky you are getting one. The shower my FI's grandmother tried to through us ended up being very small since a ton of people sent word, we'll bring a gift to the wedding. No matter, we had a ball and then stayed with his grandmother and aunt and play cards for several hours. I haven't laughed hat hard in years. My mother told me that since I had lived on my own for years that I didn't need one, not the point I would have enjoyed a bridal tea or lunch just to hang out with my family. So be thankful you are getting one period.

Talk to your FI and see what he can do to help.

Pirata13 · September 2010

I definitely think on some level you are overreacting, like even entertaining the possibility of telling her not to come.

And I agree with PPs--if she doesn't want to sit with her ex, don't make her. I mean obviously none of us know their situation. There could be genuine dislike or tension there, or it could be all him or all her. We were able to sit all my H's parents and stepparents at one table at ours--unusual in most cases, but they get along. However, I didn't invite my aunt (divorced from my blood uncle) because she's nuts when it comes to my uncle and their divorce...after probably close to 30 years. OMG get over it. I genuinely like her but she's caused a lot of $hit with my uncle and cousin and even her own brother. Ridiculous. So regardless of the reason, just sit FMIL separate.

I have to say I back you up a little, because it kind of does sound like your FMIL is a drama queen. I agree with PPs that we often don't know other peoples' financial situation (and not our place to ask), but the whole "I'm giving up cigarettes so I can afford to buy a gift" is ridiculous. I am in my friend's wedding in January--imagine if I told the girls "I am giving up eating 2 meals a day so I can save money to pay for my portion of the shower."

Clearly there is way more history to the FMIL's situation. But honestly she kind of sounds like a Debbie Downer, and if she truly is, I feel OP's frustration. Negative people can be energy vampires. I agree offering to pay for her share of the hotel room is a good gesture, but OP shouldn't feel obligated to drive 4 or 8 hours on the day of her own shower just because her FMIL doesn't want to take a 2 hour train ride alone or whatever. She's offering a fair compromise, the FMIL won't take it. It's a reasonable request and sometimes you have to go out of your comfort zone to be a part of something really important.

That's my 2 cents.

amandaisengaged · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_should-insulted-bride-wants-retaliate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:8ea05ba1-0157-444b-934c-01af1c3933cbPost:d60c4cdc-9d51-4297-96b1-82da67f312eb">Re: Should I be insulted??/ Bride wants to retaliate</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I be insulted??/ Bride wants to retaliate : ok breathe. Your FI should not be telling you this stuff. He needs to deal with his mother, not you. You can't do anything. It is your FI's mother, let him deal with her.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]
i agree you fiance should handle this!

eabremner · September 2010

Ok. So here's what I see. A bride posts about her frustrations and feelings on this site, and everyone jumps on the board and comes down hard on her. She's stressed out, ok? Perhaps she sounds a little too stressed, but we aren't in her shoes...

Basically, I think this bride is uncomfortable with all the details her FMIL is sharing with those around her (quitting smoking so she can afford a gift, can't afford hotel room, etc.), and is reacting because she feels powerless and out of control. As soon as this bride recognizes that, she can start breathing and stop investing so much in feeling that way, and start planning constructively. Her FMIL sounds so much like my own mother, who always says inappropriate things and embarrasses me with her tacky behavior. Here is what I do with my mother--I do the "easy" things that I know will make her happy, and I cut her off when it is going to be too much work.

Here is my advice for you--do what is easy, and make her step up if she needs to.

Easy: Don't seat her with her ex-husband. Ask her with a smile who she would most like to sit with and do your durndest to seat her with those people.

Pay for her hotel room. For all you are paying for your wedding, two nights in a hotel won't break the bank. Set her up with a reservation and send her the confirmation (and don't gloat or make a big deal about having done so. Make it as unemotional as possible.)

Hard: "Caretaking." If she is giving excuses about why she can't come to the shower, accept her word and say you're sorry you won't be seeing her there--and let it go. She sounds like she may be a handful if she came along, so (and I do not mean to be insulting here, just very practical...) it coudl be a tiny blessing if she just can't come.

I hear that you must be feeling a little hurt that your FMIL isn't going crazy with glee and doing whatever it takes to get closer to you, and this must be very hard for you. Just do what you can to separate out what is her responsibility from what is your responsibility and try to follow that plan. It will help keep you in problem-solving mode and away from any kind of petty squabbling. Save yourself stress wherever you can!!

ckrlove · September 2010

I agree with the above poster eabremner on everything she said. Obviously the OP is stressed and I'm sure everyone can get that way and start to think in extremes when it comes to things, weddings no exception-lol. Advice is great to give, but I think people should keep in mind how they would talk to someone face to face if someone they knew asked for this kind of advice. I doubt it would be in the manner some posters in this thread have replied (with some condescending tones to be honest).
I'm currently going through the motions of planning my reception and all, but I've had the "pleasure" of dealing with family members and extended family members who can be a handful.
True, you don't know her situation personally, but if you're like me, you hate to see anyone left out or feel like you aren't doing all you can to make them included. Also, you might feel helpless when all your effort seems to go unappreciated or simply ignored. Sometimes though- you just have to let it go. I know that you're frustrated now, but just focus on this happy time. Make the efforts you can without feeling like you're putting yourself out on a limb that may break. You never want to get so stressed that you do or say things that won't easily be forgiven or forgotten.
Also, talk to your guy about what he can do. You two are in this together, so if you feel its an issue that needs to be dealt with, deal with it with him.
Hope it all works out for you.

cm42878 · October 2010

Oh the drama of FMIL!!! My FMIL is a mess, she has not worked in over two years and at the time of the wedding it will be three years. She lives two hours from us and the wedding location, I asked her to spend the night before the wedding with my BP at my parents house. My FI and I will also be paying for her hair and make-up. My entire BP, my mother and myself will all be getting our hair and make-up done that day and I dont want her to feel uncomfortable or left out. Sometime situations are not perfect but you just have to make the most out of them!! Hope things go well for you all!!

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