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June 2012 Weddings

UGH girls help me.. crazy FMIL

We went over to the FILS tonight. My FMIL was crazy drunk. Just acting.. so.. drunk. Our families are just REAAAALLLLY different in general so it's always been hard for me to adjust when we hang out with them. My family is originally from Los Angeles, they are from a tiny town in little bity Arkansas (VERY country). We've always been pretty well off and his family lives pay check to pay check (I know this isn't a big deal and it's not to me, I'm just mentioning differences). They drink, we don't. They smoke, I hadn't barely seen a cigarette. Their family is huge..It's always been my mom, my dad, and I. We're just so different!

Anyways, tonight, while she was off on her.. wild drunk side she blurted out asking if my FI liked whips and chains while we were playing a word board game. I stared at my FI (not only am I not a very talkitive person, around them it's really hard for me). Then stare back at her. "No" I say. Then she continues.. "Oh so he likes that S&M stuff huh?". 

WHAT THE HECK DO YOU SAY TO THAT?!? REALLY?! These are my in-laws here. I've tried so hard to like them and it just so so so hard. We're so different and I know that's not a reason not to like people, and I really do try, but things like that just shouldn't be said. My FI just thinks it's funny and hates when I bring up things about his family. It's little.. incidents like this that really.. make me not like his family. It just seems like it's a bunch of little things like this lately. How do I handle things like this?
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Re: UGH girls help me.. crazy FMIL

  • That's totally out of line. I would definitely tell your FI look I don't like that they talk this way and it makes me uncomfortable. If he won't listen could you tell FILs when they're sober?
  • edited December 2011
    I would just ignore it.  I mean she is out of line, but I have found ignoring the out of line FMIL's is what works the best for me. 
     I think I would also talk to my fi aobut this and see if he can help you. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_ugh-girls-crazy-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:98015486-2684-4d47-ae6e-45d3b1bedb26Post:be7ad076-d795-43da-8b0e-b4f9ad3161ab">Re: UGH girls help me.. crazy FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would just ignore it.  I mean she is out of line, but I have found ignoring the out of line FMIL's is what works the best for me.   I think I would also talk to my fi aobut this and see if he can help you. 
    Posted by Danidawn20[/QUOTE]
    I tried ignoring my FMIL and just went along with what she said/did but it turned into a big blow up. It was FI and me against her. It was bad so I would definitely confront her now. Our relationship still sucks to this day
  • I think you both have two different sense of humors too! LOL She was probably trying to get you to open up a little bit since you said you're not very talkative around your in laws. I do think it was inapropriate and a little odd for her to be saying that though. Not sure what advice to give you, but it could always be worse. My MIL hasn't done a darn thing to help me with my wedding except bring up "issues" which are really ridiculous. Our wedding date is June 30th and my mil was upset that we weren't going to stay until July 3rd (which is their big annual party with fireworks) which staying would have cut into our honeymoon time. Then she wanted to invite 9 sets of neighbors and her entire mahjong team, and a couple who openly said they didn't support interfaith marriages (our wedding is interfaith). Now her new thing is that she wants both parents to come up during the ceremony and stay there for the WHOLE TIME because it's customary in the Jewish religion! Then she tried to tell fiance that I said I was okay with it. I was okay with it for a small portion during the ceremony NOT the entire thing! Luckily he backed me up and reminded her that it's an interfaith ceremony not a Jewish wedding and that it's our wedding because even fiance thought it was a little too ridiculous himself. I'm just saying it could be worse.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_ugh-girls-crazy-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:98015486-2684-4d47-ae6e-45d3b1bedb26Post:2a42159f-745d-4da3-9d71-8a0689384acc">Re: UGH girls help me.. crazy FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: UGH girls help me.. crazy FMIL : I tried ignoring my FMIL and just went along with what she said/did but it turned into a big blow up. It was FI and me against her. It was bad so I would definitely confront her now. Our relationship still sucks to this day
    Posted by Zimsgirl[/QUOTE]
     I'm sorry that, that happened. I am. I don't have a great  relationship with my FMil. She has done things that I don't agree with, but I've just ignored it and that is what I am planningto do unless something happens.  I do hope that, there is a way for your relaionship with FML to get better (but from the pervious posts about he, I think it might take a long long time until she comes around)
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_ugh-girls-crazy-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:98015486-2684-4d47-ae6e-45d3b1bedb26Post:05260f65-e7b5-40c9-a1c0-f617dabf9f24">Re: UGH girls help me.. crazy FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: UGH girls help me.. crazy FMIL :  I'm sorry that, that happened. I am. I don't have a great  relationship with my FMil. She has done things that I don't agree with, but I've just ignored it and that is what I am planningto do unless something happens.  I do hope that, there is a way for your relaionship with FML to get better (but from the pervious posts about he, I think it might take a long long time until she comes around)
    Posted by Danidawn20[/QUOTE]
    Yeah. This probably sounds bad but I'm sick of trying. I've tried to be the bigger person but she just proves she can't be one so I just tolerate and not try to interact with her too much
  • Our families are identical to yours and your FI's. But, FMIL and I have a great relationship and talk about anything/everything. So if she said something like that to me I would just laugh. I'm sorry you have trouble getting along with his family. My problem with my FILs isn't with me, it's MY family (not my parents, but my aunts, uncles, and cousins). They are from 2 completely different worlds, and I love FI's family, but I'm afraid I'm going to be embarrassed by them at the wedding because my family (aunts, uncles, and cousins) aren't like them. I can see what she said being completely inappropriate, I just have a different relationship with my FMIL than you. Family is often a very sensitive subject between couples (especially with men and their moms--at least it is with my mine) so I can see where he would get offended at you bringing stuff up. With that said, he needs to understand that it offends you when FMIL talks like that. Just try to have a serious talk with FI about it and tell him that it really upsets you.
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  • edited December 2011
    If I talked to my FI.. "hey remember the other night when your mom said that, I didn't like it." It would blow up into this huge ordeal about me hating his family. I can already picture it. Hell probably say he doesn't even remember his mom saying it. I don't know, knowing me I probably will bring it up to him because I'm really open to him but not anyone else, you know? I rarely talk to his mom. I avoid calling her at all costs because she is just the hardest person to talk to. Country, like I mentioned earlier, she.. Isn't the sharpest tool in the shed lets put it that way. Nicest lady and would do anything for you, she didn't know which was the spring semester and which was the fall semester in college... Let's just say having an everyday conversation with her I have to repeat things. A LOT. I thought these in law relationships were just myths, but they're real!
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  • Oh by the way, let's not throw my FI under the bus here. He's completely different from them too. Graduating from college this year with a degree in geology, wants to move to a big city (away from tiny Arkansas with me), is into technology.. It's just the in laws.. Geez!
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  • I wish your FI was receptive to your concerns. It's fine if they're "country" or different or whatever, but if your FMIL is saying and doing really inappropriate things that you're not comfortable with, your FI should at least listen to you and try to help. I would focus more on that than on your actual issues with your FMIL. If approaching him nicely about your concerns will result in a big blow-up, you've got a problem there.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_ugh-girls-crazy-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:98015486-2684-4d47-ae6e-45d3b1bedb26Post:16048dd2-039d-44df-b39a-0eb18b9d933f">Re: UGH girls help me.. crazy FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]If I talked to my FI.. "hey remember the other night when your mom said that, I didn't like it." It would blow up into this huge ordeal about me hating his family. I can already picture it. Hell probably say he doesn't even remember his mom saying it. I don't know, knowing me I probably will bring it up to him because I'm really open to him but not anyone else, you know? I rarely talk to his mom. I avoid calling her at all costs because she is just the hardest person to talk to. <strong>Country, like I mentioned earlier, she.. Isn't the sharpest tool in the shed</strong> lets put it that way. <strong>Nicest lady and would do anything for you</strong>, she didn't know which was the spring semester and which was the fall semester in college... Let's just say having an everyday conversation with her I have to repeat things. A LOT. I thought these in law relationships were just myths, but they're real!
    Posted by mbishop7[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, that first part is kind of offensive....
    She may not be the brightest person, but I have met some really dumb "city folk", so you can't really blame her being country to the fact that she isn't that sharp.

    FI and my family are the same way, but opposite. My family is country, loud, and super friendly. They will do anything for you, and you don't even have to ask, they offer. The other day we went to lunch with my dad, my grandparents and FI. My grandparents were going to the pharmacy to get somethihg and we walked over with them because our day was free and we wanted to spend more time with them. My dad asked if we needed more rubbers. (haha) I just laughed and said, "Nope, got plenty of those!" Some people may think that is rude, but it is just how my family is. It doesn't bother Chad, he actually laughes right along with the rest of us!

    With that being said, I think you should talk to her and let her know it makes you uncomfortable because you are not used to that kind of conversations and feel they are private. I think your FI should not get mad at you for letting him know it makes you uncomfortable and should also speak to his mom. If you go about it in a way that doesn't make her feel bad and attacked, I don't see the issue. This is one of those things that you have to be a team and work it out like a married couple. Good luck!
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  • It sounds to me like she was just trying to lighten the mood and be funny.  Maybe not funny to you, but I highly doubt she was looking for a serious response from you.  If I was there, I would have laughed and made some sarcastic remark back.  She's probably trying to feel you out and see if she can make you laugh.  Maybe inappropriate, but I'm sure she wasn't out to offend you just make you smile.

    You need to remember that you are marrying your Fi, but also you are marrying into his family.  I'm sure you would be upset if he talked poorly about your family.  People are different, but you need to be a lot more accepting of the differences instead of picking them apart for being "country, drunks, dumb" and whatever other cruel things you said about them.  I can definitely understand why it would make your Fi upset.  These people are going to be a part of your life from now on and if I were you I would try to not be so sensitive and try to find common grounds with them.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_ugh-girls-crazy-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:98015486-2684-4d47-ae6e-45d3b1bedb26Post:5498130e-13dd-40a6-9b21-2108f2239a82">Re: UGH girls help me.. crazy FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]It sounds to me like she was just trying to lighten the mood and be funny.  Maybe not funny to you, but I highly doubt she was looking for a serious response from you.  If I was there, I would have laughed and made some sarcastic remark back.  She's probably trying to feel you out and see if she can make you laugh.  Maybe inappropriate, but I'm sure she wasn't out to offend you just make you smile. You need to remember that you are marrying your Fi, but also you are marrying into his family.  I'm sure you would be upset if he talked poorly about your family.  People are different, but you need to be a lot more accepting of the differences instead of picking them apart for being "country, drunks, dumb" and whatever other cruel things you said about them.  I can definitely understand why it would make your Fi upset.  These people are going to be a part of your life from now on and if I were you I would try to not be so sensitive and try to find common grounds with them.
    Posted by Shanee18[/QUOTE]

    THIS!

    I don't think there is any good way to get around this without someone getting a little offeneded. If it really bothers you that much and your fiance refuses to talk to his mom about her behavior then you should just talk to her yourself. Try and do it in the nicest way possible, so she doesn't have a reason to get defensive. I do think you should pick and choose your battles wisely. It might be best to just let this one go and see how things go over the holidays then have a little chat with her with just the two of you.

    I love my MIL, but she does piss me off from time to time. I have realized that some things aren't worth fighting over though. I have asked my fiance to talk to his parents about specific things and normally he won't unless it's something that really impacts us as a couple. I just try to keep things as peaceful as I can because they're not going to go away anytime soon and bringing up "issues" will just make things more stressful everytime I have to see them. So, sometimes it's best just to let it go and move forward. Eventually it will get easier dealing with your in laws... you'll find better ways to deal with there "different" behavior. At the very least, while she may be crude at times she does seem to be a caring person. You said she was the type do anything for anyone that will be of benefit to you in the future.
  • I totally understand seriously NOT fitting in with your FI's family. My family is exceedingly liberal, and my dad's idea of a proper Christmas present is to take me, my sisters, and all our cousins out barhopping to get trashed. While my mom is very religious, she's not a "convert or face God's wrath" type person.

    FI's family is born again Evangelical, drinking is a sin, evolution didn't happen because it's not in the Bible etc. Despite me saying repeatedly that while I'm very happy their faith brings them such great joy, I'm not interested, they persist in trying to take us to their church, spring Bible readings on us, give us faith-based marriage books... You get the idea.

    Oh, and let's not forget that since FMIL is from Taiwan, she has certain expectations of a DiL that I am just not going to meet. Ever. Yes I know FI is your eldest son, but we are NOT MOVING IN!

    The way I get through it is having my phone on hand, smiling and nodding when FMIL starts telling me I need to quit my job to become a teacher because teaching is more appropriate for a woman, while furiously texting my sisters/mom/cousins about how absolutely nuts FMIL is driving me.

    There's also a whole lot of backstory in here, where FMIL greeted our engagement with insulting me, insulting my family back several generations, telling me I am a selfish person who will never be good for her son, and throwing a temper tantrum when I said that we are having a Catholic wedding.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_ugh-girls-crazy-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:98015486-2684-4d47-ae6e-45d3b1bedb26Post:16048dd2-039d-44df-b39a-0eb18b9d933f">Re: UGH girls help me.. crazy FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]If I talked to my FI.. "hey remember the other night when your mom said that, I didn't like it." It would blow up into this huge ordeal about me hating his family. I can already picture it. Hell probably say he doesn't even remember his mom saying it. Posted by mbishop7[/QUOTE]


    Omg, story of my life. It's so frustrating. I try and try to explain that I don't like they way they act or talk sometimes and he ALWAYS excuses them.  I feel you.
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  • I think Shannon said it best.  Our families are different...but different isn't bad.  I'm not sure talking to FMIL is the best solution though.  It may make your relationship with her worse if she takes it wrong.  My family is often loud and obnoxious (although my dad is usually pretty quiet)...they get on my nerves most of the time, but they are my family and I love them.  I'm used to it.  I am also not easily offended.  My soon-to-be-step-daughter is used to it just being her, her mother, sister and her mother's parents.  Their house is usually quiet....my parents house is usually loud with people coming and going.  Many people in my family enjoy drinking and some of them smoke...her family doesn't, so she looks down on people who do drink or smoke, she is very judgmental.  I tried talking to my mom about toning things down when I bring them over to visit and although she is trying to do it, she was very much offended by not being able to be herself in her own home.  I totally get that too, and felt bad after because she's right.  I think my step-daughter is the one with the issue.  People are different and what is normal to you, isn't neccessarily normal to other...neither one is right or wrong. It's OK to be different. Like Shannon said, you aren't just marrying your FI...especially if he is close to is family.  Personally, I don't think you should talk to FMIL about what you don't like. What if she doesn't like that she can't be herself when you are around?  I think you need ti figure out how you can ignore it..doesn't mean you have to like it, but do it for your FI, otherwise I think it'll cause more problems later.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_ugh-girls-crazy-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:98015486-2684-4d47-ae6e-45d3b1bedb26Post:e546b454-dd7f-4d3a-b112-8094f2a49475">Re: UGH girls help me.. crazy FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think Shannon said it best.  Our families are different...but different isn't bad.  I'm not sure talking to FMIL is the best solution though.  It may make your relationship with her worse if she takes it wrong.  My family is often loud and obnoxious (although my dad is usually pretty quiet)...they get on my nerves most of the time, but they are my family and I love them.  I'm used to it.  I am also not easily offended.  My soon-to-be-step-daughter is used to it just being her, her mother, sister and her mother's parents.  Their house is usually quiet....my parents house is usually loud with people coming and going.  Many people in my family enjoy drinking and some of them smoke...her family doesn't, so she looks down on people who do drink or smoke, she is very judgmental.  I tried talking to my mom about toning things down when I bring them over to visit and although she is trying to do it, she was very much offended by not being able to be herself in her own home.  I totally get that too, and felt bad after because she's right.  I think my step-daughter is the one with the issue.  People are different and what is normal to you, isn't neccessarily normal to other...neither one is right or wrong. It's OK to be different. Like Shannon said, you aren't just marrying your FI...especially if he is close to is family.  <strong>Personally, I don't think you should talk to FMIL about what you don't like. What if she doesn't like that she can't be herself when you are around?</strong>  I think you need ti figure out how you can ignore it..doesn't mean you have to like it, but do it for your FI, otherwise I think it'll cause more problems later.
    Posted by WEEZIE918[/QUOTE]

    I think saying things about their personal sex life is a little different than saying you can't drink or smoke or be loud in your own home. Not to be difficult, but don't you think there is a line that was crossed there for some people? (I am totally not being biitchy, just wanting your opinion! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />)
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  • I see your point Doeie and yes, there is a line that some people may be more offended than others.  Personally , yes, I do think that what her FMIL said was inappropriate. But I'd have ignored it, like a few others have said they'd have done.  So for me, it isn't something that I feel would need to be addressed with FMIL. The reason I suggested ignoring it and learning to deal with FMIL's inappropriate comments is because she already said "My FI just thinks it's funny and hates when I bring up things about his family. "  If he doesn't think it's a big deal, maybe FMIL isn't going to think it's a big deal either.  What if her FI's family all feel like OP needs to lighten up and learn  how to take a joke?  Of course maybe FMIL would apologize if she knew it offended OP, but what if FMIL gets offended? What if its worse and  FMIL doesn't want to be around her because now she feels like she has to watch every thing she says incase she offends OP? Seems like if OP makes a big deal about it, there is a possibiity that it could cause tension between her and FMIL and FI can end up in an uncomfortable position too.  I just don't think trying to talk to FMIL is the answer to her question..I think learning to ignore it is a better way to handle it.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_ugh-girls-crazy-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:98015486-2684-4d47-ae6e-45d3b1bedb26Post:37529d63-0265-4a86-b4b4-f10b0f2ffe55">Re: UGH girls help me.. crazy FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]I see your point Doeie and yes, there is a line that some people may be more offended than others.  Personally , yes, I do think that what her FMIL said was inappropriate. But I'd have ignored it, like a few others have said they'd have done.  So for me, it isn't something that I feel would need to be addressed with FMIL. The reason I suggested ignoring it and learning to deal with FMIL's inappropriate comments is because she already said " My FI just thinks it's funny and hates when I bring up things about his family . "  If he doesn't think it's a big deal, maybe FMIL isn't going to think it's a big deal either.  What if her FI's family all feel like OP needs to lighten up and learn  how to take a joke?  Of course maybe FMIL would apologize if she knew it offended OP, but what if FMIL gets offended? What if its worse and  FMIL doesn't want to be around her because now she feels like she has to watch every thing she says incase she offends OP? Seems like if OP makes a big deal about it, there is a possibiity that it could cause tension between her and FMIL and FI can end up in an uncomfortable position too.  I just don't think trying to talk to FMIL is the answer to her question..I think learning to ignore it is a better way to handle it.
    Posted by WEEZIE918[/QUOTE]

    That could be true. I guess OP knows the situation better and will have to decide! :)
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  • edited December 2011
    Even if he thinks it's funny, he needs to understand where you are coming from and make this compromise for you. I too have a very nutty, unbearable FMIL (and we can chat privately sometime if you want because it's always good to vent to someone who really understands lol), and just ignoring her or just agreeing with her never worked. It allowed her to act unrestrained, out of control and rude (to me). The last straw was after we signed a contract for our wedding of 80 people (a wedding that we and my parents are paying for with a guest list that we already built and determined), she sent me a list of 30 people that she "desperately needed to have at the wedding"... I knew it was going to be bad news if I told her that she had to severely cut it down and limit it so I told my FH that it needed to come from him. It wasn't me being chicken, it was being strategic, and here's why:
    1.) She likes to act dramatically for any reason whatsoever, and feels that because I will do what I have to in order to keep her happy since we had an unhappy blowup 2 years prior (and only started talking again this past spring). She knows she has a lot less of a facade with her only children, so she plays less games (somewhat).
    2.) Even if she blows up at me, it's going to escalate to levels unseen and unwanted. If she blows up at him, her own son, she will get upset but forgive him...and promptly.

    That's why I've seen that with wedding stuff and assimilation, it needs to be a united front and issues pertaining to your future ILs....needs to come from him. Even if it's, "Mom, her family and she feel really uncomfortable with the level of conversation that was reached when we were having dinner the other night. If we could tone it down until after the wedding (it's a lot easier to say this then tone it down forever), I think things between all of us would go a lot more smoothly."

    In the very least, you can vent to us! I'm sorry that you have to deal with this though...it stinks.
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  • Thanks everyone for their support! I'm sure they're will be updates of her crazy ventures. I haven't talked to the FI about this, we've been kinda busy the past couple days and I have a work Christmas party tonight.. 

    At least I have my Knot girlies to talk to! :) Thanks!!
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