Rant, long: Guest List Drama has begun!

mgoss228 · June 2010

oh-em-gee!

I just got an email from FMIL that stated that she mentioned to FI that she would like to invite 5 more "family friends" to our wedding (she did provide addresses though, so that is a plus since that would be 5 less things to have to do in the future)....

I've read a lot of your guys's posts ranting about random guest add-on's, and thought "that will never happen to me, because I already spoke to both sets of our parents and asked if they had any specific guest requests right after we got engaged (Oct. 2009)..." Well I was wrong!

I guess I can be glad she mentioned this to me (since FI forgot to inform me) NOW, 11 months in advance.... but still! I recognized 2 of the 5 random people she mentioned. Those 2 are parent's of a woman who is friends with FSIL... and as far as I know have NO relationship with FI. I do know that both FILs went to FSIL's friend's wedding last summer, but still I fail to see at how that entitles FSIL's friend's parents an automatic invite to OUR wedding. The 5 people she wants to add on are spread throughout the country (WA DC, Michigan, California), none of it seems logical to me....

We are already inviting one of her friends because FMIL already told her she was invited,(gawd I hope she hasn't already promised these other 5 invites!) but both of us have met with her friend probably 3-4 times in the last 3 years (the friend lives near Seattle and FMIL visits with her while she is visiting us ).

I received this info while I was at work, so I will have to have a little conversation with FI when I get home tonight! Maybe we will invite some of them if FI is close at all to them and/or he really wants them to come, but we are already cutting it close to the guest list total we were hoping for. I'm really curious to see how many of these 5 FI evens KNOWS and has met before.

Bridezilla moment over!

Thanks for reading.

sarack · June 2010

believe me, it will happen more...

jennuinne · June 2010

Yeah, if she's doing this 11 months in advance, I can only imagine when its 3 months to go and your addressing invites. Good luck!

jennyann28 · June 2010

We're pretty much paying for the wedding ourselves, and FILs are not contributing at all. So I was able to say to FMIL, "I'm sorry, but FI and I agreed together that everyone on our guestlist has to be someone at least one of us knows/has met." She pretty much understood. I think she is bummed out that she can't invite her friend that "knows all about you", but damnit, you have to put your foot down somewhere!

niq24601 · June 2010

oh man this has GOT to be my least favorite part of getting married. At this point FIe and I just roll our eyes at it all.

@jennyann28 : announcements are your friend! MOG has been very understanding about some (not all) of her potential guests so we already have a set of people who will be getting marriage announcements.

mgoss, maybe try asking FMIL (and moms) if they have any guests that you could send announcements to but not invite. That might help keep the last-minute invites to a minimum (well, maybe not minimum but it might help).

melissa82 · June 2010

Are they contributing to the wedding?

I would probably give her these, but do make it clear that if she wants to add any people later, she'll need to cut others from the list.

From my own experience, ILs made it sound like they had a large amount of family to invite to our wedding. We wanted it to be as intimate as possible with large Italian families. We split the guest list into thirds...we get ILs' list and at least 25% of it were people H had no idea who they were or hadn't seen in YEARS. I felt like they just added on randoms to fill up their number--instead of saying "we don't need all these people, invite more of your friends or Melissa's family" (I have a big family and had to make some hard cuts, meanwhile they had random extended relatives). Anyway, I made a big deal out of it. But most of those people ended up declining. Some didn't even respond. I'm sure they were thinking what I would be thinking, "Why the heck was I invited to this??"

At the end of the day, OOT people who don't have a relationship to your FI probably aren't going to spend the $$ to come anyway. So if you end up with 2-4 randoms, I think it's worth starting off with a good relationship with your ILs.

BrandyL10 · June 2010

I agree with Melissa completely! Very well said.
I haven't had too bad of a problem with this, thank god. Anyone who FMIL wanted to invite, but knew it would be to many, is getting an announcement from us. After the wedding we're ordering them, probably around 30 or so, there was a LOT of people that we wanted to invite, but couldn't, and these are the ones off the top of my head. We'll print a nice full length wedding photo of us, stuff it in with it and off it goes! That way you can include these people who your FI may not know. Maybe talk to him about that idea? See what FMIL thinks? And also like Melissa said, if they really don't know him, they may just decline anyways.
Hope things work out!

jamers22 · June 2010

i agree with Melissa. i would give her these invites. you're 11 months out, and to be honest, i think its hard to finalize your guest list almost 1 year out, let alone almost 2 years. the guest list i made when we first got engaged has definitely changed based on changes in our friendships in as short of a time as a year. heck, our guest list still isn't "finalized" because FI and i keep adding/subtracting people, and we're sending out invites in the next 2 weeks.

I would just make it clear to FMIL that shes not going to get an unlimited amount of invites (unless she's contributing, then its different) in the future.

i guess im just saying that i wouldnt necessarily consider your guest list set in stone, because friendships change, whether its your friends or your parents' friends. also, if you choose to send save the dates, i would seriously suggest only sending them to close family/people you know FOR SURE that you will want to be at your wedding a year from now. I cant tell you how glad I am that i didnt send STDs to a few friends of ours, since we dont really talk to them a whole lot. I dont feel obligated to invite them, now.

mgoss228 · June 2010

Thank you for all the advice!

FILs are going to be paying for the RD, but not for any part of the wedding itself. I guess she can invite a few extra guests, even though I still think it is foolish to invite these random people. I really hope they are like melissa's ILs random guests and decline! I will try to hint at the idea of just sending announcments, but I'm not sure how that will sound to FMIL.

I spoke with FI last night, and he told me that he wants to invite those people because it would mean a lot to his mom. He also let me know how all 5 are linked to him, or rather to his mom. There is some room to spare on our guest list, but I don't want it to totally balloon from our original goal of 100-120 guests. With 11 months to go, we still have our tentative guests shifting from our "A" List of for sure wanting to invite and our "B" List of ehhh, let's see how the next 6 months go before we invite them. All I know is that I will not be taking off any of my friends/family to accompany these people!

FI will have to fit them into his half of the guestlist!

Here are the relationship/links of the 5 add-ons:

Person #1: She went to undergrad with FMIL, and we almost adopted an older abandoned dog she told us about (and she was willing to fly out with the dog out here), but her daughter ended up adopting it. She lives on the East Coast. FI also stayed at her house about 6 years ago while he was waiting for a flight that got delayed for about a day.

Person #2 & Person #3: A married couple who lives in CA, FILs became friends with them in the early 1980s because their daughter is one of FSIL's close friends. They keep in touch occasionally since FILs moved to Georgia in 2002. FI does not have a relationship with them, only memories of his family haning out with their family when he was young. I would prefer that they get invited to FSIL's wedding (which will probably happen in a few years), and not ours... but maybe the day of the wedding won't work out for them (finger crossed).

Person #4 & Person #5: Another married couple, live in Michigan, and FI has NEVER met them. The woman went to grad school with FMIL. The only way that she is linked to FI is that she proofread his resume right after he graduated from UW, because she is in a field that FI was pursuing (nothing paned out from her "leads").

Rant, long: Guest List Drama has begun!

Re: Rant, long: Guest List Drama has begun!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards