Mom is Disinterested and it's Bumming Me Out

AmandaD82 · October 2012

I

GoodLuckBear14 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-is-disinterested-and-its-ruining-my-wedding-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:581d099e-b25e-4e23-a709-09a0bf9d493cPost:af557487-76fd-41ec-b72d-2a75a0ddd5b9">Mom is Disinterested and it's Ruining My Wedding Planning</a>:
[QUOTE]I am 3 months out from my wedding, almost to the day. I have heard from so many people that your wedding planning is some of the most fun that you will have and to enjoy it while it lasts. While I really want to enjoy the process, it has been nothing but trying to get my mother to care about my wedding. My Mother lives in NC and I live in MA so it is long distance for sure but getting my mother to be interested in my wedding plans is like a joke. My MOH has been planning my shower and the only thing my mother contributed was the date it was to be held, 3 months in advance, so she could come up and see the foliage. Yes, my mother planned the date of my shower around foliage. Other than that, she hasn't contributed a thing and thankfully my MOH has been splendid at planning. In talking to my mother this past week, she is done with a big work power point presentation so can now focus on throwing a fantastic bridal shower. Really Mom? The shower is a week aaway and already planned. She just doesn't seem to get that I might need a little help and/or support. My mom and I discussed budgeting and her helping with some odds and ends. I actually thought the man and I were doing great and were letting our parents off easy. My mom was agreeable when agreeing to help but then when I asked her to write a check, she acted like all I care about is money and how she is a human being who has feelings. She added stress to the situation and I ended up telling her I didn't want the money. She later had my Dad send me a check. This past week, my mother ruined the surprise of my bachelorette party and then changed her plans to come into town for my shower the morning of, despite my shower starting at noon on that day. She will be rolling into town just in time for the shower (hopefully) when my MOH expected her to help with setup. Oh and my Mom was also supposed to bring me but now the man is. It's like she doesn't think about me at all. In fact, I know she doesn't. The list goes on: basically harrassing the women for addresses then having to resort to Facebook messaging all around to get them, emailing about my Dad's tux with no response yet I got a picture of her from work, no interest in the MOB dress, and to boot, my future Mother in Law has been WONDERFUL that it's almost a slap in the face. I read that the MOB is supposed to play hostess to the family at the reception but I don't trust my mother to even care, or maybe she would to save face. I am so emotionally over trying to get my Mom to care but it really hurts me, to a level that I didn't know until it's happening, that my Mom isn't jumping for joy over my impending nuptials, that she isn't calling to ask about me but rather unloading all her complaints about life on me when she calls. There is nothing in her actions that makes me feel like this is an important occassion for her. I am her first born and first to be married. I know I sound a little bridezilla-ish and maybe a bit overreacting but I really thought Moms were supposed to rise to the occassion of helping to make their daughters wedding a special day. Has anyone ever gone through this as well? How did you cope? I'm sad. * Side note : my mother is going through menopause.
Posted by AmandaD82[/QUOTE]

Okay - here is a reality check.

Your mom does not have to care about any part of our wedding. It would be nice if she did but it is not a requirement.

Your mom does not have to contribute a single dime. Paying for your wedding is your and your FI's job. If the parents contribute, great but don't count on the money until you have it in hand or the parent's signature is on a vendor contract.

Your mom does not have to host the wedding. That is your and your FI's job.

Your mom does not have to help plan or set up the bridal shower. Your MOH is hosting it this is her responsibility.

It sucks that she ruined your B-party surprise but if you dwell on this, you are just looking for reasons to be angry with her. It's just a party. I also don't blame your mom for wanting to make the trip when the leaves are turning. It's a beautiful sight in the northeast and why should she miss it or take two trips. It sounds like the shower is in an appropriate time frame, and again, if you are angry about this, then I think you are just looking at things to be mad at with her.

Finally, while your wedding may be your entire world right now, you are the only one. Everyone has their own lives going on and their own problems to deal with.

AmandaD82 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-is-disinterested-and-its-ruining-my-wedding-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:581d099e-b25e-4e23-a709-09a0bf9d493cPost:1613dd0c-6fb9-4db7-8324-eb725f5ac9ed">Re: Mom is Disinterested and it's Ruining My Wedding Planning</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Mom is Disinterested and it's Ruining My Wedding Planning : Okay - here is a reality check. Your mom does not have to care about any part of our wedding. It would be nice if she did but it is not a requirement. Your mom does not have to contribute a single dime. Paying for your wedding is your and your FI's job. If the parents contribute, great but don't count on the money until you have it in hand or the parent's signature is on a vendor contract. Your mom does not have to host the wedding. That is your and your FI's job. Your mom does not have to help plan or set up the bridal shower. Your MOH is hosting it this is her responsibility. It sucks that she ruined your B-party surprise but if you dwell on this, you are just looking for reasons to be angry with her. It's just a party. I also don't blame your mom for wanting to make the trip when the leaves are turning. It's a beautiful sight in the northeast and why should she miss it or take two trips. It sounds like the shower is in an appropriate time frame, and again, if you are angry about this, then I think you are just looking at things to be mad at with her. Finally, while your wedding may be your entire world right now, you are the only one. Everyone has their own lives going on and their own problems to deal with.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

Yeah that wasn't really a reality check. I already knew all of that. My wedding is not my whole world right now. I am going to school, we are buying a house, I have bootcamp 4 nights a week, so for you to say that it's my whole world, is incorrect. But thank you for trying to be the one to set me straight.

I am well within my rights to be SAD not ANGRY with my mother so don't pretend you know that I am just being childish and selfish.

AmandaD82 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-is-disinterested-and-its-ruining-my-wedding-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:581d099e-b25e-4e23-a709-09a0bf9d493cPost:0e8bd26b-8eea-46be-8dea-7bf6c07926d1">Re: Mom is Disinterested and it's Ruining My Wedding Planning</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I can understand why you're disappointed. We've been taught from a young age that getting married and planning a wedding is ZOMG so important and amazing. In the end, it's about being married and spending your life with your H. Ideally, would it be great if you were surrounded my family and friends that are excited for you and want to help? Sure. In reality, that just sometimes isn't the case. Also, we planned and paid for our wedding so we could have the exact party we wanted and didn't have to listen to input from either of our families. I think my mom was disappointed that I didn't ask for her opinions on things but I knew that if I did, it could turn into a nightmare. Focus on the fact that you've found a wonderful man to marry and that you have a really great MOH.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

Yeah it's not that I don't understand that what is important is marrying my best friend, it's that nagging that some Moms are just dying to help and my Mom isn't. I am working through the feelings and hoping to have a wonderful shower/bachelorette weekend, with or without my Mom's help.

Wife Kitty · October 2012

I think that RetreadBride hit the nail right on the head when she said, "People are people, and won't change just because we are getting married." Ditto for CMGr when she pointed out that "your mother won't change into a different person just because you are getting married." Weddings have a funny way of bringing out either the best in our relationships, or the worst. Same with funerals. And why? Because they're both major life-altering events that leave you feeling vulnerable, keenly aware of how precious and short life is. With this awareness often comes either an idealized vision of, or a deep hope for, a closer bond with immediate family members. Unfortunately our bubbles do get burst when this happens. Family doesn't always cooperate with our fantasies of what they should do or say. As much as you may have heard or seen of other brides who have a wonderful time with their moms while planning their weddings, it is also (sad but true) completely normal for brides to fight with their moms -- claw, tooth and nail -- during this exciting but stressful time. So if you and your mom already have some baggage in your relationship, it will definitely not go away now. As you've learned, it could bubble to the surface much easier, if anything.

All that being said, it's totally okay to be sad and/or mad that you don't have the kind of bond with your mom that you would really like. With so many brides in this community, you're definitely not the only one going through something like this, so I wouldn't want you to think you're alone. I just hope that you also have a good place to lean (like maybe a counselor in addition to a good friend or your fiance) so that these feelings don't completely ruin this special time for you as a bride. Don't let them take over what is otherwise an amazing chapter in your life. And who knows? After the wedding, when the stress is over for both of you, maybe you and your mom can find the time to sit down and hash out your feelings about things, and start to form the kind of relationship you do want. Good luck to you!

AmandaD82 · October 2012

I do have a good relationship with my mother normally, which is why this is so disappointing. Also disappointing is how most on this thread seems to think I am selfish and ungrateful. I guess I read as a b!tch who has baggage . I am sure I could have written my original post with better words but I just rambled.

The only adjustement I would make it to say that my fiance and I did not expect our parents to pay for this wedding. AT ALL. My mother offered me a specific amount of money for a specific vendor and when the payment was due, this was when she reacted poorly to me. If she had not told me she would give me the money, I would not have asked for it. End of story. The words "let our parents off easy" was rude, I admit.

The reason I posted here was because I didn't want to burden people who know my mother or my poor fiance, who had to keep me from crying this past week when my mother ruined my bachelorette party surprise, which was, literally the only surprise I was going to have. I know it's "just a party" but still, when I wrote this post, it lierally had just happened. I guess according to some I should just get over it, but that sometimes takes 2-3 hours to do. I wanted to have someone say, you know what? It's OK to be sad but there are other people who care about your wedding and this is just the first step in your life together. I apparently came to the wrong place because people are generally going to think the worst of you before they think the best.

My feelings were hurt, are hurt and posting on The Knot was not the place to vent my frustrations. I do appreciate those who took the time to say something nice or remotely supportive. That's all I was looking for.

AmandaD82 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-is-disinterested-and-its-ruining-my-wedding-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:581d099e-b25e-4e23-a709-09a0bf9d493cPost:0e8bd26b-8eea-46be-8dea-7bf6c07926d1">Re: Mom is Disinterested and it's Ruining My Wedding Planning</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I can understand why you're disappointed. We've been taught from a young age that getting married and planning a wedding is ZOMG so important and amazing. In the end, it's about being married and spending your life with your H. Ideally, would it be great if you were surrounded my family and friends that are excited for you and want to help? Sure. In reality, that just sometimes isn't the case. Also, we planned and paid for our wedding so we could have the exact party we wanted and didn't have to listen to input from either of our families. I think my mom was disappointed that I didn't ask for her opinions on things but I knew that if I did, it could turn into a nightmare. Focus on the fact that you've found a wonderful man to marry and that you have a really great MOH.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

Thank you! I did find a wonderful man and my MOH is da bomb!

AmandaD82 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-is-disinterested-and-its-ruining-my-wedding-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:581d099e-b25e-4e23-a709-09a0bf9d493cPost:0a348f66-2d8c-4e6b-ab2c-ca4c49e6c3d2">Re: Mom is Disinterested and it's Bumming Me Out</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that RetreadBride hit the nail right on the head when she said, "People are people, and won't change just because we are getting married." Ditto for CMGr when she pointed out that "your mother won't change into a different person just because you are getting married." Weddings have a funny way of bringing out either the best in our relationships, or the worst. Same with funerals. And why? Because they're both major life-altering events that leave you feeling vulnerable, keenly aware of how precious and short life is. With this awareness often comes either an idealized vision of, or a deep hope for, a closer bond with immediate family members. Unfortunately our bubbles do get burst when this happens. Family doesn't always cooperate with our fantasies of what they should do or say. As much as you may have heard or seen of other brides who have a wonderful time with their moms while planning their weddings, it is also (sad but true) completely normal for brides to fight with their moms -- claw, tooth and nail -- during this exciting but stressful time. So if you and your mom already have some baggage in your relationship, it will definitely not go away now. As you've learned, it could bubble to the surface much easier, if anything. All that being said, it's totally okay to be sad and/or mad that you don't have the kind of bond with your mom that you would really like. With so many brides in this community, you're definitely not the only one going through something like this, so I wouldn't want you to think you're alone. I just hope that you also have a good place to lean (like maybe a counselor in addition to a good friend or your fiance) so that these feelings don't completely ruin this special time for you as a bride. Don't let them take over what is otherwise an amazing chapter in your life. And who knows? After the wedding, when the stress is over for both of you, maybe you and your mom can find the time to sit down and hash out your feelings about things, and start to form the kind of relationship you do want. Good luck to you!
Posted by Wife Kitty[/QUOTE]

Thank you for taking the time to write this out. I think that I am very emotional as we get closer and closer to the day, the more things there are to do. In my mind, the first one I want to call is my Mom, because we do have a good relationship but when it comes to the wedding, the planning and the like, something just isn't jiving with me and her. I guess I had a fantasy in my head of how excited my mother would be for me and the reality is falling short of my, admittedly, high expectations. I was venting with this post and I know that I have a supportive and loving man I am going to marry, and that is what is important.

amazonx42 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-is-disinterested-and-its-ruining-my-wedding-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:581d099e-b25e-4e23-a709-09a0bf9d493cPost:77d87f9a-fec4-47a6-8058-cd787e064fe9">Re: Mom is Disinterested and it's Bumming Me Out</a>:
[QUOTE] My daughter's wedding day was the happiest day of my life!
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It was?</div><div>
</div><div>Aw. </div><div>
</div><div>I love you mom.

</div>

Mom is Disinterested and it's Bumming Me Out

Re: Mom is Disinterested and it's Bumming Me Out

Choose Another Board

Search Boards