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Including children in vows

Frady2BeFrady2Be
10 Comments
in Second Weddings
I'm posting like crazy here today... I have a vow question.

FI doesn't want to write his own vows... I accept that.  He's a bit 'camera' shy and would rather just repeat what the JOP says.  I however am going to piece together a few sentences based on other things I've seen. :)

We have 3 kids between us, and I once heard about someone that included the kids in the cermony by having them vow to be good sisters/brothers to one another.  I'm not that creative to write my own vows for them, but would like something said where they can say "we do" but not forcing their new 'parents' down their throats, because both sets of kids have great relationships with their other parents.  My ex and I are friendly and my FI is friendly with his ex, and frankly, neither of us is trying to replace them as parents because they are overall good parents.

That being said, anyone have anything I can 'borrow' for our kids?  I have a son (13), my FI has a son and daughter (14 and 11) and they are all the best of friends and consider themselves 'related' already.  It would be nice for them to feel important at the ceremony as well.
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Re: Including children in vows

  • arv266arv266
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    hmmmmm.... you're going to get strong opinions on both sides of the "children's vow" fence.  IMO having children say vows is inappropriate and just a tad bit creepy.  Your kids really do not have a say in your marriage.  You met a man, fell in love, and decided to get married, why should they be asked to vow to do something that was not of their own volition?  I think vows are sacred (not religious sacred, but words of importance) and asking a child to vow to be a good sibling is just pushing the limits of what we should ask of our kids.  In my opinion, kids learn best from example.  If you want them to be good sibling, teach by example, but dont make your kids say empty words.  You can include your kids in a unity candle or sand candle, but again, I wouldnt ask my children to recite vows.....
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  • LesPaulLesPaul member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I'm definitely not a fan of family vows.  Yes, you are expanding your family, but the marriage is between you and your FI and the vows should stay between the two of you.  Our four children (two each) were our wedding party, but we did not ask them to participate in any vows or sand/candle/medallion ceremonies.  Since your children are old enough to ask, what do they want to do?  Are they going to be  BMs and GMs? 
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  • SueR13SueR13 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Our kids are much older, but we're doing a unity sand ceremony. Basically just saying that because he and I are getting married, our family configurations are being configured and can't ever go back to what they were before. No "vowing" to like it... but recognizing it. (We all get along... so that's not an issue.)
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  • melissamc2melissamc2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm probably the extremist on this one haha.  I don't agree with family vows, unity candles, or sand ceremonies!  For me, a wedding is uniting the romantic love of a couple - not their children, not their parents, and not anyone else.  I "get" why people do it, but it's just not my thing.

    HOWEVER, I'm certainly not going to tell you not to do it!  There are a lot of women on here who have done it and can probably offer you some insight on ways to make it work.  Good luck!
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  • Marrin713Marrin713 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Not my thing either - not a fan of any of it.
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  • hsbstonehsbstone
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    We are not doing this either because we already function pretty much like a family and our youngest kids - both teenagers - already call each other siblings for their own initiative. If this is very important for you, you may try a vow from both of you to each other kids. If it works for you, I attended one wedding some time ago where they had kind of vows and I still have the bulletin with me, I can send them to you.
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  • vmmomvmmom member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    We are also blending a family with older children.  My two daughters (21 and 16) will be my co-maids of honor and his son (18) is his best man.  I would kind of like to do a sand ceremony just because I think it is beautiful but I am going to let them make the call.  They already call one another brother/sister anyway.
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  • right1thistimeright1thistime member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I am in the no children's vows camp as well. 

    At our wedding, our officiant asked first for the children to bless our marriage (with a "we will" response), then for our families, then the assembled guests.  It made no promises of anyone, but incorporated the group as sort of the "it takes a village" type of thing. 

    IF (big IF) the kids wanted to say vows (their OWN initiative) I would suggest they write them and let you two edit them.  I just think this is risky, because between Friday night and Saturday morning, kids can go from extreme love of each other to absolute hatred, and back again by dinner.  Saying vows with your eyes crossed isn't going to look so pretty in the pictures, y'know?  ~Donna
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  • mma3mma3
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I had thought about it when I first heard about it and then decided against it.  What we did instead was pick out something meaningful for each child and the new parent engraving something, as a welcome to the family.
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  • Frady2BeFrady2Be
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Hmmm okay.  Thanks for the feedback everyone!  I guess it's not something that people are too fond of, lol.

    I had seen it done once and thought it was very sweet.  It was simple and was not a 'promise to be good siblings to each other forever and ever' or stuff like that, it was just a 'welcome to the family' sort of thing the kids did.  My son is an only child and looking forward to having a brother and sister, and FI's kids are looking forward to him being their brother... they are all for being part of the "ceremony".

     We are having a 5 minute ceremony, fairly 'unscripted'.  I am not walking down the 'aisle' (as there is none) and we are not doing a recessional or anything like that.  We're going to greet the guests together as they come to the 'party' and then we'll say our vows with everyone standing around with drink in hand if they wish, and after the 'sealed with a kiss' moment everyone will be free to mill about, dance, eat, whatever.  Nothing formal about it except "I DO".  While we are saying our vows, however, the kids will be up there with us because they asked if they could.  We have no 'bridal party' to speak of except my best friend and his will be up there as witnesses to sign the marriage certificate.

    .
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  • right1thistimeright1thistime member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    If the KIDS want a ceremony - what about something private either before or after?  ~Donna
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  • LesPaulLesPaul member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Your ceremony sounds really nice, Frady.  I would go with whatever your children are comfortable with doing. 
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  • TimsGirl10TimsGirl10 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I guess I am not the norm, as we will be having a "children vows" as part of our ceremony- but more so, FI and I will be vowing to each others children to accept and love and care for them as if they were our own children.  I think its important for our children to feel loved and accepted by us- especially since there is no parental involvement on the other side. (both of our exs choose not to be involved- so essentially, my daughter is gaining a daddy and his son is gaining a mommy- as of right now, they don't have that- if their relationships with their other parental unit was different, we may rethink our "vows").  We will also be doing a 4 colored sand ceremony to symbolize the uniting of the 4 of us together as one- yes our marriage is between FI and I- but our family of 4 is blending together as one family unit.

    I say do what you want- its your wedding, your day! 
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  • melliott09melliott09
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm new to the forums, but I've seen that there are A LOT of strong opinions regarding having children be in the ceremony or speaking. Either way, it's YOUR wedding, and you do whatever you feel would make YOUR day perfect!

    I have 2 older boys from my 1st marriage, who will be almost 12 & 11 when we marry next July and we have a son together who will be 4 when we marry. I asked my older boys if they would like to be involved and they both said no, other then being the RB's. That's perfectly fine with me. I plan on getting them something small as a gift for sharing our special day with us. But we've been a blended family for 6 years now, and the boys don't have much of a relationship with my ex, so my FI is more or less their "dad" already.
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