Needing Advice about the FIL's

leathia · March 2010

I don't have a close relationship with my family. I call them when every few weeks. I see them once every few months. I keep my distance, but they love me and respect that I'm independent and somewhat of a loner. I just don't like to be around people and I'm not a sociable person. I'm awkward, but polite, and I just like to keep my distance. I've never seen this as a bad thing though.

My fiance is the exact opposite. He is extremely close with his family. He talks to his dad almost every day. His sister was one of his best friends growing up. He's a HUGE momma's boy. They hug and say I love you after every conversation. I don't think there is anything wrong with this either. I love and respect that he has that with his family, but its not something I want with his family.

They have been upset since we first got together, because they think I don't want to be an active part in their lives. To me, spending the occasional friday night visiting them and speaking to them once or twice every few months is active. To them, if I don't want to come visit every weekend and call them on the phone everyday, then I'm not being active in their lives and I don't care about them or their side of the family.

My fiance and I got into an arguement today and he told me they had been saying these things for months now. Things such as, I dont want to spend time with them, I'm not right for him because I don't like his family, and that they don't like me because I don't want to come visit with them as often as they want me to. My fiance has stood up for me, but I don't know what to think about all of this. (He didn't say this to hurt me btw, He said it bc I was upset at something his sister told him to deliberately lie to me about, bc I saw it as her disrespecting us and our relationship and him not standing up for us.)

It hurts me, because I really do love him and I love his family. They are sweet people. Yes, I think they need to back off a little and realize that I'm marrying their son and not them, but I do my best to be a part of their lives. However, I don't think that I have to call them every day or take off work and drive to another state two or three times in a month to see them. I don't even do this for my own family who live an hour away.

Has anyone else been through this before? Am I wrong in the way I think about this? Any advice from fellow bride to be's or families out there?

714305 · March 2010

reading that sounded like i was reading about myself!

have you been honest with them and told them that it's just your personality to be that way? reassure them that you love them but also explain to them that you can't always be reassuring and they should just believe you.

have you tried emailing them instead? i found that helpful because i HATE being on the phone unless it's with DF.

i must admit i did end up giving in and would visit a bit more often and act chipper and valley girlish to please them which is awful because they liked a fake version of me. but it made my bf at the time happy and made things smoother for when he would go visit without me.

maybe you can make a deal with your fiancé that you'll visit maybe once every 2 months and grit your teeth and bear it to make him happy?

GBCK · March 2010

something your FI needs to read p'raps?

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/

leathia · March 2010

Thanks! That article actually had me laughing bc it was so true about my personality! I facebooked it to my fiance immediately afterwards!

TheDuckis · March 2010

Make no mistake: you are marrying the family. The time to decide whether or not this is sustainable long-term is now.

It sounds like your FI is trying to stick up for you, but having you refer to him as a momma's boy is a big red flag. He and his family need a reality check and you need to figure out if you can stand being quietly judged by them for the rest of your life.

What happens when you have kids and their grandparents want to visit all the time? What happens in 20 years when they can no longer live on their own and want to move in with you? Discuss it now, because it's not going to get easier.

bakes218 · March 2010

I agree with Duckis. His family is not going to change so either you have to accept them for who they are and try to make it work or you may want to reconsider marrying into his family. You ARE marrying his family too. The last thing you want is to force him to choose between you and his family. He will probably choose his family.

gigipurr84 · March 2010

I would definitely try to email them more. I just befriended all of my FI's family on facebook so that I can keep them posted about the wedding. I feel like my FI's mother feels that I am not as communicative as I should be with her. But she calls her son almost everyday, and I really only talk to my mom once a week or so. Just be as polite and talkative to his family as you can when you are with them and maybe tell them that you acknowledge the fact that you don't visit/talk to them as much as they'd like, but explain that you are busy or not used to being around a close family.

leathia · March 2010

I never asked him to choose between the two, I would never want that. I just want to find a way to get them to be more accepting of my background I guess. I come from a broken home, I don't speak to my mother, I moved in with my grandparents when I was a teenager, I see my dad and brother once every so often, and his parents told my fiance that they didn't think I was right for him because they didn't want to bring my family background into their family history too. They said that my being a quiet person means that I'm going to bring all of my past into their family too. I'm not asking him to choose sides, I want to be a part of his family, but my family dynamic is different than what his family sees it as. My fiance understands me as a person, he knows my background, but he loves me and wants to be with my regardless of it. We are very different, but we make it work and we have a great time doing so together. Its causing a rift between him and his family though bc he is constantly having to stand up for me. I just want advice to see what I can do to help them understand me as a person more. I spend time with them when I can, I visit and call and facebook when I think to, lately I talk to his dad more than my fiance does, but they are still saying I'm not making efforts and I am too closed off of a person for them to be active in our lives, so I must not want them too. Its not that I don't try or want him to choose, i'm just at a standstill on what else to do I guess.

TheDuckis · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_needing-advice-fils?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:a60d9c2c-b70a-4370-a857-35ea288eced9Post:c4ac029d-edbf-443b-a234-a859b53e5f00">Re: Needing Advice about the FIL's</a>:
[QUOTE]I never asked him to choose between the two, I would never want that. [/QUOTE]

What you're not understanding is that at some point he <em>is</em> going to have to choose. See my grandchildren and nursing home examples above.

[QUOTE] his parents told my fiance that they didn't think I was right for him because they didn't want to bring my family background into their family history too. They said that my being a quiet person means that I'm going to bring all of my past into their family too. [/QUOTE]

That is a horrible, horrible thing for them to say. And it's horrible for your FI to repeat it to you. Again, I ask, do you want to deal with this attitude for the rest of your life?

[QUOTE] I spend time with them when I can, I visit and call and facebook when I think to, lately I talk to his dad more than my fiance does, but they are still saying I'm not making efforts and I am too closed off of a person for them to be active in our lives, so I must not want them too.
Posted by leathia[/QUOTE]

So at this point, they're the ones not making an effort. Rest assured that nothing that you do is going to change their behavior.

The fact is that your FI's family is close, so these people are going to be around you a lot, and they're going to continue to treat you this way. How long do you really think you can deal with that? Because I wouldn't last 5 minutes.

LilyAnna06 · March 2010

I'm like your fance. My family and I are super close. I live 35 minutes from them, and I spend almost every Sunday afternoon with them. Except that I don't ask my fiance to come with me... he comes maybe 1 out of every 5 times I see them, usually because it's a birthday or holiday.
Just because he is really close to his family doesn't mean you have to be. Let them do their thing.... their relationship doesn't have to change, but you also shouldn't have to change to become like them.

bakes218 · March 2010

What Duskis said. You cannot go the next 50 years having your husband defending you to his family. That is not fair to him at all. Everyone has some kind of a past in thier life, it cannot be used as an excuse. If this is the man you want to be with then you need fit better in that family. I have been with my BF for 6 years and our families are so different. But he is what he is and I love him because of his family so I keep my mouth shut sometimes and do what I have to do for him. He does the same for me...that's what a partnership is all about.

6fsn · March 2010

Please listen to Duckis. She makes very, very good points.

ReturnOfKuus · March 2010

Has he told them that complaining and badmouthing you doesn't exactly make you want to see or talk to them more? Because I have to say, if being closer to you is what they really want (and I'm not convinced that it is), they're going about it in what has to be the dumbest way ever.

My gut tells me that the real issue is that they don't want an intruder taking their baby away.

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