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FMIL Budget questions - opinions please!

kerbohlkerbohl member
First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
in Moms and Maids
Hello everyone!  I'm plotting a course of action to makes things easier for my future mother-in-law, and thought I would get opinions on whether this will make things better.
My FI and I are paying for the wedding, but both sets of parents have offered to help a little here and there.  However, FMIL is on a tight budget, but despite this, she has a tendency to offer to pay for multiple things which she might not be able to afford, because she doesn't keep track of what she has offered to pay for.
So, we have thought that we should tell her that if she does indeed decide to help us pay, though she should not feel under any obligation, she can just give us whatever she feels comfortable with and that is all.  Then if she offers to pay for some other aspect of the wedding, we can just tell her that we can use the money she has already given us to cover that.
My other course of action would be to tell her not to worry about giving us anything, but that has two problems.  1) She may get upset that my parents contributed and she didn't, and 2) she will randomly buy something "for the wedding" and thereby force us to accept it.  She does that will other aspects of life, so the wedding will probably be no different.
Thoughts?  Should I tell her to pay what she feels comfortable with, or tell her not to worry about it?   

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Re: FMIL Budget questions - opinions please!

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    renegade gauchorenegade gaucho member
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    I think the easiest thing would be for your fiance to tell her thanks, but the two of you have it covered.  She doesn't need to know if and how much your parents chip in.
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    kerbohlkerbohl member
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    The problem is, my FI can't really keep such things to himself, and she has a tendency to badger.  So it seems inevitable that she will find out, but hopefully not how much was given.  We could just go the honesty policy and say that my parents chipped in just because they are the parents of the bride and leave it at that? 

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    bunni727bunni727 member
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    Your parents' finances are not his buisness to share. He really needs to learn to keep things like that to himself, and not give in to badgering.

    Why not just pay for everything on your own? Then, when she offers to buy, say, your flowers, you can say "Oh, that's really sweet. We already put the deposit down, but have X amount left to pay when we pick them up, if you'd want to cover that."

    Then you save that amount anyway, and be prepared to pay it in case she forgets. If she forgets it's covered, and if she does end up paying, you have extra saved you can use on your honeymoon. It's a win-win.
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    bunni727bunni727 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-budget-questions-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9442d9f6-6db6-4822-9bb2-bd86eafe7816Post:479145e2-3690-43ee-ab0d-38e61670638d">Re: FMIL Budget questions - opinions please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]The problem is, my FI can't really keep such things to himself, and she has a tendency to badger.  So it seems inevitable that she will find out, but hopefully not how much was given.  We could just go the honesty policy and say that my parents chipped in just because they are the parents of the bride and leave it at that? 
    Posted by kerbohl[/QUOTE]

     I think this is probably a bad idea, because it could make her feel that you all expect her to be responsible for the entire rehearsal dinner.
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Your parent's contribution to your wedding budget is none of your FMILs business. Don't mention it to her at all. If she asks you how much money you want, tell her that whatever she would like to contribute would be greatly appreciated.
                       
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    My MIL was unable to financially contribute to our wedding.  When she tried to bring something up, we told her to not worry about it, just worry about herself.  We repeated this line throughout the wedding planning process. 

    Your FI needs to learn to keep financial information to himself (especially that of your parents).  If FMIL keeps asking, he needs to start repeating the line that it is covered and then change the subject.  If FMIL won't let up, he should say "I have told you repeatedly we have this covered, so don't worry about anything.  If you keep asking me questions about what kerbohl's parents are contributing, I am going to leave/hang up."  And then he needs to follow through.
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    cbrown828cbrown828 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-budget-questions-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9442d9f6-6db6-4822-9bb2-bd86eafe7816Post:b8418cc7-8de0-4102-bfc9-2c2210e24789">FMIL Budget questions - opinions please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hello everyone!  I'm plotting a course of action to makes things easier for my future mother-in-law, and thought I would get opinions on whether this will make things better. My FI and I are paying for the wedding, but both sets of parents have offered to help a little here and there.  However, FMIL is on a tight budget, but despite this, she has a tendency to offer to pay for multiple things which she might not be able to afford, because she doesn't keep track of what she has offered to pay for. So, we have thought that we should tell her that if she does indeed decide to help us pay, though she should not feel under any obligation, she can just give us whatever she feels comfortable with and that is all.  Then if she offers to pay for some other aspect of the wedding, we can just tell her that we can use the money she has already given us to cover that. My other course of action would be to tell her not to worry about giving us anything, but that has two problems.  1) She may get upset that my parents contributed and she didn't, and <strong>2) she will randomly buy something "for the wedding" and thereby force us to accept it. </strong> She does that will other aspects of life, so the wedding will probably be no different. Thoughts?  Should I tell her to pay what she feels comfortable with, or tell her not to worry about it?   
    Posted by kerbohl[/QUOTE]

    I agree with PP's but also wanted to touch on this. Just because she buys something without asking you about it does not force you to accept it. My FMIL bought a hot pink (not in our colors at all) easter basket with some kind of fuzzy sparkly stuff all over it and left it at FI's house one day so we could let our flower girl use it. I told him he could give it back to her so she could return it or it would sit in the closet and eventually go to Goodwill. It's in the closet. Don't let her financial situation become a burden/guilt trip for you. It's hers to deal with. You can find reasonable ways to keep her included and let her contribute if she feels really compelled to.
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    kerbohlkerbohl member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Thanks for the excellent advice everyone!  This has been very helpful.

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