adults only wedding

ottecl · December 2010

I wasn't sure what board to post on...

Without a doubt this question has been asked and answered, but I looked through a couple of pages and wasn't able to find it. So any help or advice - including pointing me to another post - would be amazing!

My fiance and I are planning on not inviting any children under 10. We are mainly doing this for budget reasons, but also because it will be more of a formal event. (We picked age 10 because if we included all children we would add about 50 more people to our guest list.)

I plan on just addressing the invites to whoever would be invited, so my hope is that people would understand that if the child is not listed that they are not invited. We aren't trying to be rude and don't want to upset anyone, but just can't swing it financially. Some of our family and friends have already heard about the idea of not having anyone under 10 invited, and have told us it's a bad idea.

I would really like to set up a couple babysitters (most of the people invited are traveling a couple hours to get to the wedding) for the parents that might need one. I asked one of our friends (in the dad is in the wedding party) if they would like a babysitter idea like this and they told us that they would just be bringing their infant with.

So I have a couple questions:
Is the babysitter idea a good one?
Will people actually understand that who the invite is addressed to is who is invited?

I would really love to hear all ideas and thoughts on this, especially if you tried to have an adults only wedding

TIA!

AdeleDazeem · December 2010

Of course you can have an adults only wedding.

Put the names on the envelope of the people invited. If people RSVP for someone not invited, you call them up and explain that only those on the invitation can be accomodated.

Breastfeeding infants are typically the exception to the rule, but that's really a personal call.

You can set up a baby sitter, but parents may feel uncomfortable leaving their child with someone they don't know.

I'd just let them work out childcare on their own. But, I also can't for the life of me understand why parents won't go out without their children. Baby sitters were fun when I was a kid! My parents went to adult only events all the time without us. I grew up just fine.

EDIT: Oh, and if someone says "well, I can't possibly come to your wedding without little Johnny," then you say "I'm sorry, you will be missed!" Don't let anyone guilt you into inviting kids.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2010

Is the babysitter idea a good one? - Maybe. I mean, really, child care is the parents' responsibility. Some parents will only leave their children (especially very young children) with certain people, like family members. I would re-visit this later and see if there's a need for it.

Will people actually understand that who the invite is addressed to is who is invited? - In theory. Etiquette-wise, that is the proper way to do it. Whether everyone on your guest list knows proper etiquette is another story. However, if someone RSVPs and adds their children, you can call and politely explain, "Unfortunately, we can't accommodate children at the wedding. However, we were thinking about hiring a babysitter for the hotel. Would you be interested in that?" Some people believe weddings are all about "family" and that their kids should be there, and might decline the invitation or throw a fit. Stay strong across the board!

Some people have also custom designed RSVP cards with names, like:

John Jones __accepts ___ declines ___chicken ____ beef ____ vegetarian

Susan Smith __accepts ___ declines ___chicken ____ beef ____ vegetarian

That will keep people from adding to their RSVPs.

sister2groom · December 2010

Providing a babysitter is a thoughtful idea. However, you have to understand not all guests want strangers (even ones you've checked out) watching their kids and as a result may thave to decline, esp if they're OOT.

I don't know who is on your guestlist, but 10 seems pretty arbitrary to me, something like 13 or 16 or 18 would make more sense to me personally. Again, I don't know why you made that cutoff, but do YOU have a good reason for it?

You have to be really careful with inviting some kids in one family and not others since you have what will seem like to most people and arbitrary age limit. For example, if the kids in one family were ages 13,11 and 9 it would be odd to not invite that 9 yo.

Generally nursing infants are considered exceptions to the no-kids rule. They don't get meals and when they're that age many parents don't like to leave the kids with babysitters.

Finally, no matter who you put on invites some people are dumb and do things like add adult children, so if they RSVP for people who are not invited, you'll have to be be nice but firmly tell them you can't invite more than you put on your invitations.

ottecl · December 2010

Joy: I think I will be using your quote of "you will be missed". I really wanted to have a line that I could use if/wehn someone calls and complains.

msmery: The personal rsvp card sounds like a great idea! I am making our invites (I am a graphic designer and do wedding stationery on the side), but I never heard of that Idea!

sister2groom: 10 does seem like a very arbitrary and I probably should have explained how we "picked" that number. At first we were thinking 13 but found out that by choosing 13 we would be dividing quite a few families. It seems like a lot of friends and family have kids from 10-16. So we didn't want to invite some kids from one family but leave some out.
Also, our venue suggests that anyone under 8 be on a kids menu (which we aren't planning on having). So we would like the cut off age to be above that.

Thanks for asking! I really appreciate the fast responses and all the help!

Snippylynn · December 2010

For me, if you want to not have kids, then you should not have anyone under teen years. But that's me. 10 still seems very kid-like.

Summer2011Bride · December 2010

As far as adults-only, it isn't *really* adults-only if you'll have 10 and 11 and even 15 year olds there. I consider adults-only to be 18 and over. I probably wouldn't use that wording anywhere that guests will see.

Yes, you should just address invities to the particular people invited. Just make sure, like you said in your last post, that you aren't dividing families where one kid can come and the other can't.

People WILL RSVP for children unvinvited so be ready with a firm but polite response when you need to call back.

As far as a sitter, I'd skip it honestly. If parents want to not have to deal with kids that night, they'll leave them at home with a sitter they're comfortable with. If you're inviting children, they should be in the same room with everyone else. I can see having a wedding-related activity book or something to keep them busy during cocktail hour, etc., but otherwise, I think they'll have fun dancing with everyone and what not. Parents may not be comfortable having a stranger baby-sit their kids and if they bring them, they obviously wanted to spend time with them or they would have left that at home, so it would seem odd to separate them and have the kids in a separate room with a sitter.

I'd say stick to your plan of who you're inviting but nix the sitter.

Goldlie11 · December 2010

I'm not inviting anyone under 13. I'm doing the individualized RSVP cards like Msmermac said (minus meal choices). It's not that hard since I'm DIYing the invites. I also put it on my website's FAQ section that we are inviting people who are 13 & older.

I have had one family member claim that she doesn't know what to do. Meanwhile, I gave her many viable options, including asking her if she wanted me to help her find a sitter. I basically ended up saying, "I'll understand if you cannot attend". I know she was expecting me to cave, but that wouldn't be fair to my other guests with young children.

garcias1 · December 2010

If the cutoffs are clear, than there is no problem with not inviting people under the age of 10. For instance, the only guests under 18 at our wedding will be first cousins. I have 6 cousins under 18 and FI has 3 cousins under 18. If we had used the under 18 cutoff with our first cousins, we would have split up two families. We did not invite our cousin's kids or co-workers kids, etc. Including our cousins, we will not have any guests under the age of 12.

MyNameIsNot · December 2010

If 10 keeps you from dividing many families, it seems like a reasonable cut off age.

As far as the sitter, I would put something somewhere on the website that says something about being happy to help with lining up child care if necessary. I wouldn't book a sitter and have them in a room, though. Most parents would prefer to set up their own child care, but in the case where people are travelling, it is nice to offer a local option.

Plus, offering it is another subtle way of communicating no kids for the people that can't read an invitation.

srkropf · December 2010

Yes, you can have an adult/older kids reception, and yes some people will be offended, just like some will be offended by a no fish option, or something else. You can't please everyone, this is your wedding, and you're making accommodations

Address the envelopes to those invited

Babysitter would be GREAT!-- It will also help those who wouldn't be able to attend with the kids policy

To promote the babysitting, include an little insert-- like a business card advertising the service.

AbbeyS2011 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adults-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0bdc09a9-5910-4b29-8ba4-1638a3aa621dPost:adfdc21c-d494-4aaf-a0e4-d5dca22032c9">Re: adults only wedding</a>:
[QUOTE] I'd just let them work out childcare on their own. But, I also can't for the life of me understand why parents won't go out without their children. Baby sitters were fun when I was a kid! My parents went to adult only events all the time without us. I grew up just fine. EDIT: Oh, and if someone says "well, I can't possibly come to your wedding without little Johnny," then you say "I'm sorry, you will be missed!" Don't let anyone guilt you into inviting kids.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

This. I loved having a babysitter when I was a kid too! Plus, younger kids get bored easily when it is not a "kid-friendly" atmosphere. Personally, when I get a wedding invite, I do not consider bringing the kids unless they are specifically mentioned on the invite, such as "Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Family", which is also a good way to show who is invited and who is not, although as some PPs said, parents dont always get a clue.

I jump at the chance to go out without the kids - I need a break and its nice to have adult convos without hearing "MOM - he did this or that to me" every 5 minutes!

annagtz82 · December 2010

We are having an adult only wedding. We didn't even consider hiring a babysitter because we are on a tight budget and I doubt my family would even take advantage of the provided babysitter. I'm planning on printing out personalized RSVP cards to make sure that my guests understand who exactly is invited. I'm already prepared for some of my family members to decline coming because their children are not invited.

latrishav · December 2010

This is the same situation I am wrestleing with my fiance`...I dont want any kids at the wedding and he is worried it will affend some people...but we just cant afford to feed the children...but we shall see...

luvredstockins · December 2010

We are also in the same situation. Our plan was to invite children 10 and over, and we are only extending the invites to cousins (neither one of us have neices/nephews yet). I felt 10 was a good age. In my opinion, an evening wedding is no place for a little one. Plus, we are sticking to a 125 guest count. In my case personally, none of the families are traveling, and everyone will be able to make babysitting arrangements. I think it's great you'd like to offer a sitter, but like a few others said, that's not your responsibility, and if something were to happen, you don't want that to fall on you.

I would just be aware of the negative pushback you may get from those who cannot bring their children. My fiance's aunt has a less than well behaved 7 year old grandson, and I believe her exact words were "we are a package deal". SO now we are inviting all of our cousins! It is against my wishes, but in order to keep the peace it's something we had to do. Good luck!!

Doehling · December 2010

Ettiquete says that only the people addressed on the inner envelope are invited to the wedding. So if the mailing envelope says "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" the inner envelope should read "Mike and Judy Smith" or "Mike, Judy, Ann, and Amy Smith" if you are inviting their children.

We are having an adults only wedding as well - we have no one under the age of 18. Our venue has a priceless art collection and is just not the place for small children. We considered a babysitter, but our friends with kids said they would rather leave them at home with a sitter/in-laws/other family/etc so that they could enjoy the night! I think this is a great way to look at it - get a sitter and consider it a night out! Good luck!

angruz · December 2010

My wedding is New Year's Day. We are doing adult only. The only kids that are invited are the ringbearer, flower girl and their brothers and sisters.

On the invitation, I addressed it only to the adults. I also made sure the reception card said "adults only reception." On my knot wedding website, I posted a link to seeking sitters, a babysitting service where one of my bridesmaids works. Hopefully, people will get the hint.

I had one person RSVP no to the wedding, after telling my FI's mom she wasn't coming if she couldn't bring her 6 year old. Oh well. I guess she didn't want to come anyway.

Joy, I will use "You will be missed" if more people say that. I would rather they not come than have a bunch of rugrats running around the reception and playing in the food stations.

anwallette · December 2010

My best friend ran into the same problem of little ones in an opulent black tie environment in August. She also did the personalized RSVP cards and worked pretty well. She had a few people "add a few lines" of their own but she used Joy's line and found that it worked well. Great advice Joy!

I'll also be doing the personalized RSVP cards because we are holding the reception in an upscale art gallery that used to be the old library.

kathrynhabibti · December 2010

I don't see how spending money on a babysitter, and paying for his/her meal and those for all the under-10 children who would then be there anyway, will help your budget.

As others have said, nothing wrong with an adults-only reception, just make sure you address to only those who are invited and be prepared to clarify if little Susie and Johnny are added to responses. GL

becgrose · December 2010

I am also having an adult-only wedding. I just sent out (in the Christmas cards) the hotel information. For those who I know have children, I hand wrote a note that explained that the wedding will be adult only, and babysitting would be provided for OOT guests.

We're also having a fairly small wedding with only close friends, so we are fairly sure that our guests would not be offended.

In the end, "you can't make all the people happy all the time" -- so at your wedding, make yourself happy.

Calypso1977 · December 2010

its fine to have an adult only wedding.

i also dont think its the bride and groom's responsibilty to line up child care for people. that's the parents job. i'm not sure why brides get stressed out over other people's kids and spend their hard earned money on babysitters.

adults only wedding

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