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April 2013 Weddings

I need to vent, sorry if this seems bratty

I have been under so much stress planning my wedding to accomodate my bridesmaids. From finding them the cheapest option for their dresses ( avg final  price $150), from trying to get them to do their fittings, from people not showing up last minute to things I have planned for them ( after RSVPing yes!) to complaining about having to pay for the hotel ( which is only $99 a night), trying to find a hairstylist that was inexpensive AND would do the type of hairstyles they want... I am just so overwhelmed! I am trying to go out of my way to make this day great for everyone, I am even getting a gourmet catered lunch for them before the ceremony.


A few of them have not been bridesmaids before, so I think its partly just not knowing about the tradition.I have no idea what to do now, I am trying not to let things bother me, but I dont want to hear anyone complain, especially when it comes to paying $99 for a hotel room when my fiance and I have struggled to pay for our $20k wedding ourselves. I feel like if someone accepts to be a bridesmaid, they should know that some things are expected? Maybe I am wrong?

I am just so annoyed! I have been a bridesmaid before a couple of times and never would I have complained about so much, or complained about anything. I literally have a headache now. :(

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Re: I need to vent, sorry if this seems bratty

  • Where is your Maid of Honor during all this?  SHE is the one who should be keeping the stress from the other BM's away from you and deflecting a lot of the whining and complaining.  Tell her to step up!  Maybe she needs to contact the ones who have never been a BM before and give them the low-down of what's ordinarily expected from a BM and let them know that they're adding stress on your shoulders that you really don't need right now.  That's part of the MoH's job, so tell her to do it.

    You can only do so much, and no matter how hard you try, you're NOT going to please everyone 100%.  I think once you get that into your head, things will be a lot easier and less stressful.

    Is there a reason they HAVE to spend the night at a hotel?  If they don't want to pay $99/night, tell them to share a room and it's only $44.50.  Or they can take a cab home in the wee hours after it's all over.  I wouldn't FORCE anyone to stay overnight if they don't want to, unless it's a really long drive or they're completely bombed and it's unsafe for them to drive and too far to take a cab. 
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  • edited November 2012
    In Response to Re: I need to vent, sorry if this seems bratty:
    [QUOTE]Where is your Maid of Honor during all this?  SHE is the one who should be keeping the stress from the other BM's away from you and deflecting a lot of the whining and complaining.  Tell her to step up!  Maybe she needs to contact the ones who have never been a BM before and give them the low-down of what's ordinarily expected from a BM and let them know that they're adding stress on your shoulders that you really don't need right now.  That's part of the MoH's job, so tell her to do it. You can only do so much, and no matter how hard you try, you're NOT going to please everyone 100%.  I think once you get that into your head, things will be a lot easier and less stressful. Is there a reason they HAVE to spend the night at a hotel?  If they don't want to pay $99/night, tell them to share a room and it's only $44.50.  Or they can take a cab home in the wee hours after it's all over.  I wouldn't FORCE anyone to stay overnight if they don't want to, unless it's a really long drive or they're completely bombed and it's unsafe for them to drive and too far to take a cab. 
    Posted by ChiGirl2013[/QUOTE]
    Well MOH doesnt really know about the traditions as well...she has never been in a wedding.She has been trying to help me with rallying the group. I have been having a real tough time getting everyone on board with the wedding plans to tell you the truth. I am just discouraged, I feel like I am burdening everyone with my wedding. :(
    The wedding is in Pittsburgh which is about 3.5 hours away (its somewhat of a destination wedding, lol) so they would have to stay the night for the rehearsal and the day of the wedding. I completely agree with the splitting the room too to make it more affordable. I just dont know why I have to figure all of the logistics out for them to make it work for everyone. And not everyone is giving me  a hard time, but its enough to cause me a headache/stress.
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  • Did you tell them that they do not have to get their makeup and hair done and if they want to do it themselves they can? I gave my bridesmaids the option. I found hair and makeup that I thought was reasonably priced for us all, laid everything out for them (sending them an email with the websites for the people telling them they could go for trials if they wanted to, and that it wasn't mandatory to get both etc.) I am just anal, but sometimes when you have it all planned, there is no going back and fourth they just have to decide yes or no the rest is on them.
     
    Did you tell them that they can try to find another hotel if the one you picked is too expensive for them? Splitting rooms is a good idea as well. I know for me I am staying in a suite the night before the wedding and this is where fi and I will stay wedding night and the bridesmaids will get ready day of. Some of my girls are staying with me the night before the wedding (we have the option to put beds in the room and have a pull out bed), but I offered this since I am staying in it and will be paying for the room myself.

    HTH!

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  • edited November 2012
    Well, you need to realize your bridesmaids do not need to do anything except show up on the day of with their dress, and that includes your MOH- it's not even their job to throw you showers/parties- it's only if they offer. Being in a wedding doesn't mean you have a job to do- a wedding is only super important to the bride and groom, the rest of the bridal party probably really doesn't care that much sadly. I know that's how I've felt in the weddings I've been in, and same with my friends- it's exciting the day of, but not for most of the other stuff.

     If you want them to have their hair and/or makeup done a certain way, you need to pay for it- not them. They should only pay for it if you give them the option, saying- hey this person is here to do your hair if you want to. Also- they shouldn't have to pay to stay at a hotel of your choosing. They should be able to chose their own place that is affordable to them- which would make it easier for you because then they will be doing their own research and you won't have to stress over it.  Just get over the notion of them having to do certain things, and you having to plan everything for them- it'll be easier and much more stress free for you!!
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  • In Response to Re: I need to vent, sorry if this seems bratty:
    [QUOTE]Well, you need to realize your bridesmaids do not need to do anything except show up on the day of with their dress, and that includes your MOH- it's not even their job to throw you showers/parties- it's only if they offer. Being in a wedding doesn't mean you have a job to do- a wedding is only super important to the bride and groom, the rest of the bridal party probably really doesn't care that much sadly. I know that's how I've felt in the weddings I've been in, and same with my friends- it's exciting the day of, but not for most of the other stuff.  If you want them to have their hair and/or makeup done a certain way, you need to pay for it- not them. They should only pay for it if you give them the option, saying- hey this person is here to do your hair if you want to. Also- they shouldn't have to pay to stay at a hotel of your choosing. They should be able to chose their own place that is affordable to them- which would make it easier for you because then they will be doing their own research and you won't have to stress over it.  Just get over the notion of them having to do certain things, and you having to plan everything for them- it'll be easier and much more stress free for you!!
    Posted by orangehills[/QUOTE]

    Honestly, $99 a night in a major city like Philadelphia is a steal.  No, they don't HAVE to stay there, but it doesn't sound like they've done any research for cheaper rooms for themselves, either - they just complain about it instead of doing something about it.  (That's one of my pet peeves.  lol) 

    Is there a way to bring everyone together for a meeting to hash all this out?  Maybe let them know that the hair and makeup people will be in your room at x time and if they want to have theirs done, it will cost y and you need to know by a certain date if they want to book or not.  I know a lot of people who have done their own hair for weddings and it has looked beautiful, so I definitely don't think it's necessary to force them to use your stylists - but I do think it's reasonable of you to ask them for a final yes or no by a certain date.  That way if they say yes, then they have no right to complain about money because they knew the cost before they gave their answer.  And if they say no, then they say no.  It will give you a funny story to tell years from now when you bust out the wedding photos and someone's makeup looks like they applied it in the dark. 

    As for what's "required" for being in a wedding, it's common knowledge that the MoH is the bride's "right hand woman" and therefore has more of an obligation to help out the bride with things that need to be handled than the BM's.  Otherwise, why give her the higher status?  Why not just make them all BM's?  My MoH is my youngest sister and yes - I did have to explain to her that this meant that she'd be the one I leaned on, whose shoulder I would cry on when I was frustrated, and who was responsible to calm me down when I got upset.  Nothing I asked of her will cost her a dime, but the special status of MoH DOES mean something and I wanted to make sure she knew that I'd be turning to her from time to time for a sanity check.  She was more than happy to oblige.  A MoH is someone you're close to anyway - and nothing you ask of them in the way of emotional support should be a new thing.  Chances are, they've been doing that all along anyway .
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  • Thank you everyone for your encouragement! I'm actually paying for makeup and I asked everyone if they wanted there hair done by a pro. One girl opted to do her own, and I said that was completely fine! The wedding is in Pittsburgh and 99 a night is the cheapest rate they would find anywhere. I can see and understand how not everyone will be wedding centric, I just didn't expect to get so much grief during the planning process:/
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  • Am sorry for the drama. I want my BMs to stay overnight at venue with me, just because it is a drive and I don't want to go through the stress of people showing up late the day of...BUT because am requiring this, I am paying for their accommodation. The hair and makeup....we still haven't tackled that,, BUT this is why it's EXTREMELY important to have girls you can be openly honest with as your BMs, this helps you put out your true feelings and emotions, hopefully without offending anyone or losing any friendships. After going through drama on my sister's wedding...I was her MOH. I had to be soooo careful of who made the cut on my day coz that's the last thing, my MOH or myself should be dealing with...whining. I am sooo sorry, but I guess like people have said here, give them options and see what they come up with, they may realize the hotel you have for them is cheaper after all. Sighs.
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  • Girl I hear you. I have 6 bridesmaids and 3 of them haven't ordered their dresses! (while 2 of them are already in.) I feel like such a nag, and I don't want them to call me bridezilla, but seriously I wanted them ordered by October at the latest. The worst part is, one of them got married this summer, and when she needed me to get my BM dress, she literally booked my appointment for me like the day after she picked it so I HAD to go! 

    I agree with the sentiment that when you agree to be a BM, you know it's going to be a little expensive. I spent $1000+ on my friend's wedding b/c I was the only one who had to fly in, but she helped a little by picking me up from the airport, letting me stay at her apt that night to save me 1 day of rental car and hotel, and her mom paid for my make-up, which was a nice gesture.

    If you're already paying for their make-up and not requiring professional hair, I think that is really generous. Just remember, if they haven't planned/paid for a wedding themselves, they probably don't understand the stress. Maybe if you talk to the worst offenders about all that you're trying to juggle (without making it seem like she is the cause of your stress) they'll get the hint. 
  • Sorry for the stress, extra stress is never fun in planning  - but I think you are just making it harder on yourself than it has to be.

    Instead of worrying about every last detail for them, give them your expectations and a due date and let them go from there.  Tell them I have your makeup covered we will begin makeup at x time.  I have a hair stylist and her price ranges are x-x.  If you want to use this hair dresser, let me know by x date otherwise you are free to go on your own for hair.  There are rooms for x amount for the rehearsal and wedding night.  If you are staying at the hotel you need to have your rooms booked by x date otherwise you are welcome to make your own arrangements. 

    Let them know you can help them out if needed to make any arrangements but at the same time I am assuming most/all of these are grown adults.  Give them the parameters and let them take care of themselves. I know you are trying to be helpful but that might just come off as pushy to someone else.  And there really is no need for you to be stressed about these details of what other people are doing - if they don't want to pay to stay at a hotel maybe they can make arrangements to stay with a friend or family member in the area or they may choose to drive the distance.  Let them make the call and have faith in the people that you have asked to stand with you to be responsible for themselves.

    I can be a total type A personality so I have a tendancy to want to control and know every detail of things like this.  But I've been learning over the years now where to place priorities and when to let things I can't control or don't need to control go.  It's a work in progress but its better not to sweat the small stuff for all involved. :-)
    February Siggy Challenge - Bridesmaid Dresses - April 2013 Board

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  • In Response to Re: I need to vent, sorry if this seems bratty:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need to vent, sorry if this seems bratty : Honestly, $99 a night in a major city like Philadelphia is a steal.  No, they don't HAVE to stay there, but it doesn't sound like they've done any research for cheaper rooms for themselves, either - they just complain about it instead of doing something about it.  (That's one of my pet peeves.  lol)  Is there a way to bring everyone together for a meeting to hash all this out?  Maybe let them know that the hair and makeup people will be in your room at x time and if they want to have theirs done, it will cost y and you need to know by a certain date if they want to book or not.  I know a lot of people who have done their own hair for weddings and it has looked beautiful, so I definitely don't think it's necessary to force them to use your stylists - but I do think it's reasonable of you to ask them for a final yes or no by a certain date.  That way if they say yes, then they have no right to complain about money because they knew the cost before they gave their answer.  And if they say no, then they say no.  It will give you a funny story to tell years from now when you bust out the wedding photos and someone's makeup looks like they applied it in the dark.  As for what's "required" for being in a wedding, it's common knowledge that the MoH is the bride's "right hand woman" and therefore has more of an obligation to help out the bride with things that need to be handled than the BM's.  Otherwise, why give her the higher status?  Why not just make them all BM's?  My MoH is my youngest sister and yes - I did have to explain to her that this meant that she'd be the one I leaned on, whose shoulder I would cry on when I was frustrated, and who was responsible to calm me down when I got upset.  Nothing I asked of her will cost her a dime, but the special status of MoH DOES mean something and I wanted to make sure she knew that I'd be turning to her from time to time for a sanity check.  She was more than happy to oblige.  A MoH is someone you're close to anyway - and nothing you ask of them in the way of emotional support should be a new thing.  Chances are, they've been doing that all along anyway .
    Posted by ChiGirl2013[/QUOTE]

    I disagree with you 100% on this. The maid of honor is not supposed to be your slave for your wedding. They should be the person closest to you, and you honor that person with the title for that reason.

    I know standing up in a wedding can be expensive, but if they can't afford it, they just can't afford it. Unless you offer to pay for everything you should expect people to complain. That is just how it is. I know I complained about each wedding I was in because some of the stuff the brides wanted was stupid. But hey, I went along with it. I just think it is silly to expect them to shell out a bunch of cash; and the cost of your wedding should have no impact on what they should spend either.

    There is absolutely nothing you can do to please everyone and from what you have shared with us you are going above and beyond to accomodate your friends. Just let it roll of your back and try not to let it get to you. Everything will work out!
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