step monster vs mother

aogrady0820 · January 2012

I have a step-mother/mother issue.

I want both my Step Mom of 15 years and my Mother of 29 years to sit in the front "parents'" row at my wedding.

My mom is fine sharing the spotlight... my stepmom ... not so much.

She now has my dad threatening to not even come to my wedding if I put my mom in the front row. She has been my NC Mom for the past 14 years, while my mom remained in Florida. My Step mom and dad have been able to help me out more financially than my mother, and believe that that leaves my mom "not entiteled to sit in the front row"

I have tried to appeal to them on many levels... but they are demanding that I'm disrespectul, inconsiderate, and mean and hurtful.

I just want all of my parents to be in a position of pride and honor on my wedding day. I've tried to appeal to them that it is only 40 minutes of their life...

They are insisting they will not show up if I don't change my seating plans...

How can I get this to go away! Or can I??

MairePoppy · January 2012

Your father and stepmother are the ones who are being disrespectful, inconsiderate, mean and hurtful.

I'm not sure if you mean that your dad and his wife have helped you out financially, in general, or if they are helping with the wedding. But either way, their contribution does not give them the right to exclude your mom.

You should tell your dad that your mom will be seated in the front row. If he threatens not to attend the wedding, tell him you will miss them.

Good luck.

balasj · January 2012

Have you talked to your dad about the situation? I think you need to be blunt and say to thim that it is your day and it would mean a lot to you if they could put their differences aside for an hour and sit in the same row. Is there another family member - an aunt or uncle on your mom's side - who can accompany her and be a bit of a buffer?

aogrady0820 · January 2012

Thank you for all of your advice. I have tried talking to my dad, and my stepmom. They paid for a portion of the wedding... but not the wedding in its entirety. I have tried to appeal to both of them... but they aren't hearing anything I have to say.

I've explained that I will seperate the pairs of chairs so as to put some distance between them.
I have discussed having a FULL row of family in the front...
I have tried to offer any compromise that didn't include not including my mom...

It all falls on deaf ears

I guess the only thing for me left to do is to invite them and let the chips fall where they may.

Thanks...
Alli

calindi · January 2012

What you're going to have to do is TELL them what you're doing, not ask them. If you ask them to agree, you're unofficially giving them permission to disagree. If you tell them, "You and step-Mom will set closest to the aisle, my Mom will sit in the middle, separated by So-and-So and So-and-So (any siblings you can stick in there as a buffer?)" If they threaten to not come, tell them in no uncertain terms that this is YOUR wedding, that YOU want all of your parents involved, and that it isn't too much to ask grown adults to get along and sit in the same row for 40 minutes. If they feel they can't attend, then that's on their conscience, and you'll miss them, but they won't change your mind and your Mom WILL sit in the front row.

My grandparents played a similar bluff - my aunt isn't invited for numerous important reasons, and they told me that they could not in good conscience attend an event where their daughter is not welcome. I told them that it was their choice to attend or not, but it was my choice whether or not to invite her and I wouldn't be bullied into changing my mind. And if this was the hill they wanted to die on, that was their choice as well, but they had to know that it would have long term ramifications for our relationship. Ultimately, I don't think it's totally resolved, but I know that I'm making a decision I can live with, and it's up to them now. Honestly, I don't know that I'll be able to forgive them if they don't come, but my conscience is clear.

Good luck! There's no easy fix, but it's all about making your decisions and sticking to your guns. You can't control anyone else.

Simply Fated · January 2012

Call their bluff.

firechick83 · January 2012

I'm with everyone else...if he is willing to miss his daughter's wedding b/c he won't pull up his big boy undies & play nice for 40 min; it's his loss. Call them on it.

tldh · January 2012

Call their bluff. And inform your father that if he loves you he will show respect to your mother.

banana468 · January 2012

Retread has a great solution as well.

But the bottom line is that you can call their bluff and say, "I'd hate for you to miss the wedding because you didn't like the seating arrangement. You'd be missing a great time."

melb2013 · January 2012

I have a bit of a different opinion and perspective. My mother is a step mother to my half brothers. It was a very ugly divorce with many hurt feelings and although she has many efforts over the years to have a relationship with her step children, it was never received well. This doesn't sound like the exact situation you are in, but hear me out.

Weddings are extremely difficult for step parents and I think you should recognize that and put yourself in her shoes. If there is any way to separate them at the wedding, I think this would be greatly appreciated. Perhaps she would feel more comfortable being at the opposite end of the row, or maybe on the other side of the isle (if you are not having an assigned bride/groom side).

This is, of course, difficult for you and puts you in a very sticky situation. I know that you want your step mother and your mother in the front row, but try to be a little understanding of the circumstances. I don't envy you one bit and I do think that your father and step mother are being somewhat childish.

Elinetrouwt · January 2012

Weddings don't sell front row tickets to the highest bidder. I'm sorry that your father and stepmother don't seem to understand that.

lindseyann410 · January 2012

This is childish. This isn't good advice, but I would probably say something along the lines of "It makes me sad that your hate of my mother is greater than your love of me and desire for me to have a happy day and that you'd rather not come than be mature for 20 minutes."

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I have divorced and remarried parents, and they have always put my happiness before their issues with each other. I can imagine how horribly it would hurt me if they did something like this to me.

AlmostMrsStrong · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_step-monster-vs-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2253d540-ea47-4e02-8532-ecf5c4d2a8a0Post:6490dc3c-0cd2-49c3-9b2b-337126de3406">Re: step monster vs mother</a>:
[QUOTE]This is childish. This isn't good advice, but I would probably say something along the lines of <strong>"It makes me sad that your hate of my mother is greater than your love of me and desire for me to have a happy day and that you'd rather not come than be mature for 20 minutes."</strong> I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I have divorced and remarried parents, and they have always put my happiness before their issues with each other. I can imagine how horribly it would hurt me if they did something like this to me.
Posted by lindseyann410[/QUOTE]

<div>This. I just had to deal with a similar scenario at my graduation, and it was a horrific month-long nightmare. I ended up telling my parents (well, mostly my dad) that they needed to act like adults for a ten minute ceremony or don't both showing up. Nicely, of course. </div>

regfalange · January 2012

My only suggestion would be to put your mother in the front row on your FH's side with his parents. It is REALLLLLY petty that your dad and step monster are acting like that. Why people can't understand that this may be the ONLY time in their lives that they will have to spend a whole day with a husband's ex vice/versa is beyond me.
My husband's parents are divorced and his step mother and mother never met until the rehearsal, and they ended up sitting right next to each other during the ceremony. They even gave his mom a ride TO the rehearsal dinner.
Tell them to suck it up and get over it, they are acting like children. This is the day that your mother gives away her daughter. Why your step mom would think she is more entitled to even BE THERE than your mother is idiotic. OMG what a$$holes.

I'm sorry dude, good luck!

lenergyrlah · January 2012

Traditionally when parents divorce, the mother is seated in the front row and the father in the second row. Tell your dad that, and that you and your mom have decided that she will share the front row with him rather than go with tradition. That might change his perspective.

And please don't accept money from people who will use it to manipulate you.

ymagaia · February 2012

I am a stepmom, my husband's ex was unmarried at the time my stepson and daughter-in-law married. The look of sheer panic on her face when she came to the realization that she would have to walk down the isle alone on the way out...I told my husband, grab her arm and the three of us walked out together, arm-in-arm. Your stepmom and dad are completely wrong. Your mom and stepmom shouldbe in the same pew, regardless.

aogrady0820 · February 2012

Thank you all for the advice. I stood my ground, and did not play into the mind games and bullying. I wrote an email to my father saying how important it was for him to be there, and how I hoped that 40 minutes out of our lives would not ruin our relationship forever.

In the end everyone came around and as of now, everything seems to be ok.

68 Days to go, so I'm knocking on wood!!

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