Best Man Problem

starnern · January 2013

I know I have read on here before about the proper etiquette when it comes to a member of the bridal party that is in the military and can't be at the wedding but can't seem to find it today.

Here's the situation, Josh is my FI's best friend, there was really no other choice when it came to who he was picking to be the best man. Josh was thriiled with the honor and has been looking forward and planning for our wedding since we asked him almost a year ago. The problem is that Josh is in the navy and has just found out that he's not able to come home for the wedding and will actually be deployed at that time. Of course we are all really bummed about it (ok maybe bummed is putting it lightly!). How do we list it in the program? Do we keep his name as best man and then just have one of the other groomsmen hold the ring and sign the marriage license? I have no issue with having one guy escort two bridesmaids (since the sides will now be uneven). I don't want him to feel like he is being replaced at all since it's out of his control to be here. I just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing.

Maggie0829 · January 2013

I would still list him in the program as Best Man. During the reception your FI can give a thank you speech to all of your guests and mention that his BM was unfortuantely unable to make it because of being in the service. I would also still give him his wedding party gift.

As for the rings and the marriage license. Anyone can hold the rings and anyone can sign the marriage license it doesn't just have to be the BM or MOH.

cjajtg · January 2013

I would put something like "best man - Josh LastName (unable to attend due to deployment)." That way people understand why he is unable to attend. You can also draw attention to it at the reception if you would like to. Maybe by saying something like "Josh was so excited for this day but was unable to make it because he is deployed. For this reason *insert groomsman name here* will be giving the best man speech"

Jen4948 · January 2013

I'd keep him in the program as best man and just have one of the other groomsmen do the physical things he would normally do.

Is it possible for Josh to prepare and forward a speech to a groomsman or someone to give on his behalf?

LDubHawksFan · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_best-man-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d79572dc-d7d0-4b17-b90b-83511682ec69Post:38fa547f-1397-4c5c-9fcf-4dcb3a6eb377">Re: Best Man Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd keep him in the program as best man and just have one of the other groomsmen do the physical things he would normally do. Is it possible for Josh to prepare and forward a speech to a groomsman or someone to give on his behalf?
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

I like this idea! Maybe since you know Josh, you could ask him privately if he would like to give a speech, film it ahead of his deployment, or even via skype while he's deployed, then surprise your FI with it during the reception. I think that would be very touching! Kudos to you and your FI for having a very mature view of this situation, btw.
Absolutely keep him listed on the program and you could add a side note about him being deployed. I did something similar when my BM decided 1 week before the wedding that she couldn't travel since she had given birth just 3 weeks before. I noted to the side that she was home with her newborn. Best of luck!

brittblaz · January 2013

I agree with Maggie0829 and Iwhehlk. It is honorable that his best man is defending our great nation. I would honor that as much as possible. I would keep him in the program as Best Man. I dont think anything else needs to be said. Also, it is sometimes customary for the MOH to walk alone down the isle while the BM stands at the Groom's side, so I see no problem with your MOH walking by herself. That way the problem of having two girls with one guy is solved. It will make her feel important as well, like all eyes are on her. Also, the idea of having him film a speech is beautiful. I would do that and have it played at the reception. It will give the BM a good feeling knowing that even though he wasnt there, he was still a special part of the day. And think about how unique and emotional that would be. It might be considered the highlight of the evening to have something so personal and different. And as for the rings, anyone can do that for him. Good Luck!

BubblyBride75 · January 2013

You seem spot on with what you were thinking (include him in program and everything and not replacing him). I have been to/heard of a few weddings with deployed wedding party members. In one the best man wrote his best man speech and had his brother deliver it for him at the reception. I also had a friend who was deployed for his 2 best friends' wedding and they had picures of him on a table with their sand ceremony vase thing and had pictures taken of it so that even though he wasn't there to be in all of their pictures he was still included in some, which I thought was really neat.

Keep in mind if he has any family that will be attending the wedding (wife/so/parents/etc), they will be missing him during his deployment and the wedding will be a reminder of his absence and how much they miss him. I would recommend running anything you plan on doing past any family of his that will be there so that they know ahead of time and aren't caught off guard by a reminder of what he's missing while deployed. It's not fun being the one crying in public because something reminds you of your deployed family member, trust me.

What not to do:

My brother is a Marine and he was back and forth about whether he was going to be back from deployment for it. We chose our date specifically because he had originally said he would be able to make it then. When my FMIL heard he might not be back for the wedding she asked who we were going to replace him with, it took everything I had not to start crying. I can't replace my brother, it doesn't work like that and I'm sure your FI feels the same way about his friend.

starnern · February 2013

Thank you all for the answers! I did talk to Josh not long ago about it and told him I was going to miss him being there but I knew he was doing something even more important. He has said he's actually going to mail a letter to us for one of the other groomsmen to read in his place. So I'm really excited about it and I've talked to his sister who will be there and she's on board with everything. I had found out from Josh that she was hesitant to come to the wedding without him being there and I told her that I wanted her there, she's my friend and that's all that mattered.

I feel so much better knowing that we are doing the right thing with everything. We are planning on mailing him a package after the wedding with his gifts and a couple little mementos from the wedding so he can still feel a part of everything.

Best Man Problem

Re: Best Man Problem

Choose Another Board

Search Boards