Fight With Mom

RyansBelovedBride · March 2012

My guts are in a knot.

I've been trying to pull my mom, who I live with, into the wedding planning. She just always says something like "not now", or "that's interesting" and then chages the subject, or "hmm. talk about it later"... for a long time now.

Ryan and I have been talking because partially due to parental pressure (from Mom, now!) we're thinking he will come to the US for a visit. Before I was goin gto go to India for a visit, then move to India and we'd have the wedding. Ryan wouldn't come to the US at all. This wasn't because we thought tha twas ideal, but mainly due to money and paperwork ease.

If Ryan comes to the US I want to have a wedding. Because it utterly breaks my heart to think about my family not being at my wedding, but it seemed necessary because Ryan wouldn't be here. But if he is goign to be here, then I want to have a wedding.

I'm giving up something if Ryan comes here: I will then have to move to India sight unseen. This would be in replacement to me going to India for a visit, not in addition to...

So I realized that if Ryan comes to America we will having a weddng.

Non-negotiable. Done deal.

So Ryan and I don't know when this would be, but we've decided to aim for July.

So I told my mom today. And she freaked out. She told me how she was worrying about money about a dress for another event and teh gas money to get there. How Dad's bonus was less. And of course, about how my sister is getting married this fall.

I never said they had to pay for it. But yes, I would expect her to buy her own dress and there's some other stuff I'm sure. And Dad'd have to take a day off work I'm sure.

So it will effect them.

But we need to talk about this, gosh darn it. Just because it stresses Mom out doesn't mean she can sweep it under the rug. She yelled at me why do I keep bringing it up?

Because we need to talk about it.

And she said "You keep saying this like saying it makes it true".

Well, it does, Mom. I'm twenty-six years old. I can have a wedding if I want one. She paused when I said that and said "I guess that's true."

Then her back started spasming from stress.

I don't want her hurt or stressed. i just want an ally on my team. I want her to help me brainstorm and dream. I want my mom on my side, not against me.

We've dropped it again for now.

yodacub · March 2012

I'm praying for this situation. Maybe you can find a way to gently remind your mom that weddings aren't about dresses or locations, but about two people joining their lives together in front of God and those who love them and want to support them.

ravenray · March 2012

Does your mom not support your relationship with your FI? Because that is what it sounds like to me.

Also I seem to be a bit behind, have you ever meet your FI in person? Are you and your mom really close?

Sorry she isn't being on your side about this.

RyansBelovedBride · March 2012

It's not really about Ryan, I don't think. Though admittedly, if I totally understood we may not be fighting so much. But I think it's more about control and financial issues.

AshNoel8 · March 2012

I'm sorry you are going through this! I will pray that it all works out for everyone.

FaithCaitlin · March 2012

So sorry to hear this. Prayers!

SuMmErKuTiE · March 2012

Ditto pp's I know my mom would be stressed if I was getting married and she wouldn't have even been there and I was moving halfway around the world. That's a lot to take in especially as a mom. Parents dream of watching their children walk down the aisle and to dance at their weddings. One of the happiest times I've ever seen my parents was at my wedding. They just seemed so happy, and you couldn't pry my mom off the dance floor, she helped shut the place down! LOL

No, your mom shouldn't be sweeping it under the rug, but you should understand why she feels the way she does. I hope everything works out, and that Ryan can come here and you can have a wedding that your family and friends can attend. Then, have another wedding in India for his friends and family.

Ditto ravenray, I'm a bit behind as well. How did you meet Ryan? Has he even come here to visit? Have you been to India to visit? Sorry for all the questions, but I need some catching up ;0)

Ash61612 · March 2012

I agree with all the PP's and ditto their questions about Ryan, how you met, etc.

This doesn't sounds like an easy situation to be in. I will be praying for you.

RyansBelovedBride · March 2012

Trying to decide how much I want to share on a public forum. I've decided to PM the people asking personal questions because I'm open to sharing with individuals but not the entire internet public at once.

Mom and I are good today, but only because we're not discussing a wedding.

RebeccaJac · March 2012

PM'd you back!

SuMmErKuTiE · March 2012

Sent you back a PM ;0)

GunzNRoses213 · March 2012

If money is a problem why not have a small family only wedding at your church ...have your dad walk u down the isle and all the jazz and still do the bigger thing later once you are in India ?

My mom was saying she didnt care where/what we were doing with the reception but my dad says thats not true and sometimes she is gung ho on stuff and the next minute she is not caring etc... I get the stress factor..

I'd have him come over and spend a lil time with your family and have yourself a small ceremony... Then they wont be upset about not being there... And if you do something small they also wont be spending a lot ?

RyansBelovedBride · March 2012

We are doing something small. We'll do the church and then have hotdogs at a picnic shelter at the park. I'm thinking $500 max (not including attire, but since we'd buy that for India anyway...). It won't be family only, but it won't be expensive either. But I can't help what she wants to spend on her MOB dress.

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