Giving daughter a necklace during ceremony?

Pookieson · March 2013

FI and I aren't doing sand/candles etc during the ceremony, just reading our vows and having a few words said. My daughter is 6 years old and from a previous marriage. One night, FI and I were watching "four weddings" because it is our guilty pleasure and we bad mouth all the cattiness on the show (and ridiculousness) BUT I'll admit, some of them have some great ideas. Anyway, I digress. DD is coloring and watching occassionally. During a ceremony the bride and groom gave the flower girl (grooms daughter) a necklace with a reading about always being there for her etc, etc. DD says, "I'd like it if I got a necklace from Justin (FI), I think that's pretty."

We'd never considered it. She is the flower girl. I found some inexpensive and very cute charm necklaces. I thought maybe if FI put it together (they have soccer, ballet, and other charms available) it would be nice. Thoughts? Even if you aren't a big fan of including children (we weren't much either besides her being a flower girl), would you think this is different and weird? We aren't doing any readings regarding "becoming a family" because we feel like we already are one. It would just be a necklace she got on mom and stepdads wedding day. Just in case someone asks, her biofather will not be at the wedding, but is involved in her life and we all get along just fine as co-parents. She knows she isn't losing or replacing a father.

QueerFemme · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_giving-daughter-a-necklace-during-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:fd21f89c-12bd-4b37-aaef-5225666fafb8Post:8e8f7896-fc74-4717-af35-59a8120a38a1">Giving daughter a necklace during ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]FI and I aren't doing sand/candles etc during the ceremony, just reading our vows and having a few words said. My daughter is 6 years old and from a previous marriage. One night, FI and I were watching "four weddings" because it is our guilty pleasure and we bad mouth all the cattiness on the show (and ridiculousness) BUT I'll admit, some of them have some great ideas. Anyway, I digress. DD is coloring and watching occassionally. During a ceremony the bride and groom gave the flower girl (grooms daughter) a necklace with a reading about always being there for her etc, etc. DD says, "I'd like it if I got a necklace from Justin (FI), I think that's pretty." We'd never considered it. She is the flower girl. I found some inexpensive and very cute charm necklaces. I thought maybe if FI put it together (they have soccer, ballet, and other charms available) it would be nice. Thoughts? Even if you aren't a big fan of including children (we weren't much either besides her being a flower girl), would you think this is different and weird? We aren't doing any readings regarding "becoming a family" because we feel like we already are one. It would just be a necklace she got on mom and stepdads wedding day. Just in case someone asks, her biofather will not be at the wedding, but is involved in her life and we all get along just fine as co-parents. She knows she isn't losing or replacing a father.
Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]

I don't think its a good idea, honestly. Maybe right before or after the ceremony. But, the ceremony should be between the adults getting married.

mrsbobfilson · March 2013

I have actually seen this done in a ceremony and it was beautiful and everybody thought it was so touching! They make something called family medallions for this very trend which is becoming more and more popular!

mrsbobfilson · March 2013

http://www.familymedallion.com/ceremonies.html

here is the website where you can buy the family necklace as well as when and where to place it in your ceremony...best of luck to you and your family.

tiny speck · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_giving-daughter-a-necklace-during-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:fd21f89c-12bd-4b37-aaef-5225666fafb8Post:5b16f867-11f7-4ea6-acd9-b95b5366666f">Re: Giving daughter a necklace during ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Giving daughter a necklace during ceremony? : I don't think its a good idea, honestly. Maybe right before or after the ceremony. But, the ceremony should be between the adults getting married.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

I have to agree with this. The ceremony is about the adults and their promises to each other, and no one else. Children have no place in a marriage ceremony.

kmmssg · March 2013

I think it is fine. You aren't asking her to make any promises or anything and quite frankly, when I have seen this done I have thought it was very sweet. I think we get a bit caught up around here if the kids have any part of the ceremony besides standing there. As long as nothing is being asked of her and the child isn't being put in an uncomfortable position, and your FI WANTS to do this, it is fine.

When I remarried my DD's were PITA teens who weren't that thrilled that mom was getting remarried. They had had me to themselves for a long time and they liked it that way. I would have never done anything but include them as my BM's because of their feelings. They didn't hate my DH, they just liked the status quo. It would have made them very uncomfortable so it would have been a horrible idea for me.

If your FI and your DD are close and have a good relationship (and heck, she HOPES this happens) I see no issue with it.

Simply Fated · March 2013

I personally feel the ceremony is about the bride and groom and that any gifts to other people should be done before or after the ceremony.

Emanons · March 2013

Your rehearsal dinner would be the perfect time for this. She gets to feel special and then wear her new necklace the day of the wedding.

itzMS · March 2013

Don't make a public display of it.

FI could give the necklace privately to her prior to the wedding, and then she could wear it during the ceremony!

I'd suggest something a little more timeless, though. (Like gold or sterling silver, with a heart or cross or initial) How cool would it be if she could wear it on HER wedding day, then?!

harper0813 · March 2013

I disagree that a child doesn't belong in a wedding ceremony, especially since the child is gaining a new parent. Just as, often, the child (or children) walks the bride down the aisle or stands up at the alter, I think a gesture would be nice, because she IS a part of your relationship and marriage. When your FI marries you, he's marrying into being a (step)father.

It doesn't necessarily have to be a necklace. You can have her do a reading, sing a song, stand up with you, whatever you think would be a nice way to include her.

kaos16 · March 2013

I agree that it would be a lovely gesture for him to give her a gift at the rehearsal dinner, or before the wedding, etc. I may ge flack for this, but I personally find it a bit creepy when children are involved in the wedding vows between 2 consenting adults. Involved as in receiving a gift from one of the adults being married, or when someone says vows to the child too.

Including a child who is important to the couple by having them be a flower girl, ring bearer, bridesmaid, or groomsman is nice and meaningful. Having them present the gifts at a religious ceremony, doing a reading or a song, etc, are also nice.

KatWAG · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_giving-daughter-a-necklace-during-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:fd21f89c-12bd-4b37-aaef-5225666fafb8Post:757f7a08-605b-43e2-8ae4-a75a657b4af7">Re: Giving daughter a necklace during ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't make a public display of it. FI could give the necklace privately to her prior to the wedding, and then she could wear it during the ceremony! I'd suggest something a little more timeless, though. (Like gold or sterling silver, with a heart or cross or initial) How cool would it be if she could wear it on HER wedding day, then?!
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. Dont have it be a cheap charm necklance that will fall apart in a few a months or she will out grow.

Jen4948 · March 2013

Giving her a necklace or any other gift is fine, but I think it should not be during the ceremony. The ceremony is for you and your FI and that should be it.

Jen4948 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_giving-daughter-a-necklace-during-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:fd21f89c-12bd-4b37-aaef-5225666fafb8Post:63781851-fb8b-4aac-9c79-0c83dcf3ba17">Re: Giving daughter a necklace during ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree that a child doesn't belong in a wedding ceremony, especially since the child is gaining a new parent. Just as, often, the child (or children) walks the bride down the aisle or stands up at the alter, I think a gesture would be nice, because she IS a part of your relationship and marriage. When your FI marries you, he's marrying into being a (step)father. It doesn't necessarily have to be a necklace. You can have her do a reading, sing a song, stand up with you, whatever you think would be a nice way to include her.
Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]

A wedding is about the bride and groom. Children are guests like everyone else is a guest and are "included" just by being present.

And they may not be comfortable with all the "unity" and "gaining a new parent" stuff-especially if they're very young, shy, or their other parent is alive and they feel conflicted loyalties. And even if that's not the case, the guests are there to see the bride and groom get married-not the other "unity" stuff. So I'd only do this if it's what the child really wants-without being pressured by the parent getting married.

harper0813 · March 2013

Jen,

Those are good points. This daughter did hint to her parents, though, that she'd like to receive a necklace like on TV.

OP, by the way, I love your mini. I just got one, and she's a doll.

s-aries8990 · March 2013

I'm kinda on the fence about this, I agree that a wedding should be about two consenting adults, but I think it would be wonderful if your FH gave her a piece of jewelry. I agree with PP's that a more lasting, timeless piece of jewelry would be more appropriate in this instance, as she is your daughter, not just your flower girl.

Can FH put the necklace on her as she reaches the end of the aisle? Or possibly the night before. Depending on the time of your wedding, can he take her out for breakfast (even just to the donught shop) and give it to her then? I think it would be a special, meaningful moment and create a wonderful memory.

Jen4948 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_giving-daughter-a-necklace-during-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:fd21f89c-12bd-4b37-aaef-5225666fafb8Post:22b20424-13e6-4e07-9b7e-567157ac4337">Re: Giving daughter a necklace during ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]Jen, Those are good points. This daughter did hint to her parents, though, that she'd like to receive a necklace like on TV. OP, by the way, I love your mini. I just got one, and she's a doll. :)
Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]

If the daughter wants to be in it, not a problem for me. I myself think I'd give her the necklace in private before the ceremony so she can wear it then, but as long as she doesn't have to say anything besides "thank you," if it's part of the ceremony I'm fine with that.

misssunshine17 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_giving-daughter-a-necklace-during-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:fd21f89c-12bd-4b37-aaef-5225666fafb8Post:d9506ce8-7b18-4971-a00f-1d61c2b4a540">Re: Giving daughter a necklace during ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Giving daughter a necklace during ceremony? : I have to agree with this. The ceremony is about the adults and their promises to each other, and no one else. Children have no place in a marriage ceremony .
Posted by tiny speck[/QUOTE]

This. Give it to her before the ceremony.

MuppetOverlord · March 2013

I will be of the opinion that the ceremony is what you want it to be.

I see marriage as a symbolic beginning of a new family. Your daughter is a part of the new family. If you think it will have meaning to all of you to include her in this manner during the ceremony, I would respect that and if I were a guest, probably find it very touching.

My friend and her husband and his children did a ceremony with sand to bring the children into it and thought it was lovely. It is displayed on their mantle and has a lot of meaning.

artbyallie · March 2013

I don't know how your daughter's biological father fits into this picture, OP, and that's what concerns me. It could potentially be very hurtful to him if he is still alive and has contact with his daughter.

Pookieson · March 2013

I'm on my mobile but a few things. The idea is my daughter's. Not ours. There will be no vows, she doesn't have to say anything. Her bio father is involved as I already mentioned and we have a good relationship. The reading may include something about gaining a father not losing or replacing one. We would ask her dad first, but I know he'd be fine.with it. Sorry for any typos. Oh and I love my mini! He is two and just the best little guy ever!

Pookieson · March 2013

Maybe the rehearsal might be a good time for this and well say it is so she can wear it during the wedding. Thanks for all of the input!

ElcaB · March 2013

My mom and stepdad did this for my sibs & me when they got married. It was beautiful and heartfelt.

If you'd like to do this, go for it. I think it's a wonderfu way to honor her!

MairePoppy · March 2013

Since your daughter has hinted that she would like a necklace from your Fi, I think he should do something. He could say a few words at the RD about your daughter and present her with the necklace, rather than make it part of the wedding ceremony. It would be nice to give her something that will grow with her - maybe a pearl pendant or something like that.

[Deleted User] · March 2013

It's your wedding and you know best on how your daughter would react to being brought up front to do something like that.

I personally think it's important when there are kids from a prior relationship that they be included somehow. I know a marriage commitment is between the two consenting adults, but not only are they consenting to accept each other, but everything that comes with them,including their kids. Giving the kids a gift is a way I think to show them, I'm accepting & making a commitment to be there for you too, not just your mom/dad. What that gift is and when you do it, I think has to be your call.

But if you are unsure about timing, what about giving it to her the night before and then she wear it proudly the whole wedding day?

And congrats on having a good relationship between all parents involved, your little girl is going to be so lucky growing up having parents who work well together in her best interest. Not an easy thing to accomplish.

mcda04 · March 2013

I don't like it when the kids are part of the wedding CEREMONY. I have two kids and they were part of my wedding but they weren't involved in the ceremony at all. I'm not promising my kids to be faithful etc so I didn't think it was appropriate to involve them in it.

The necklace IS a sweet gesture so I think he should give it to her during the reception, maybe right after the toasts if you're having them.

OwningAHome1981 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_giving-daughter-a-necklace-during-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:fd21f89c-12bd-4b37-aaef-5225666fafb8Post:5b16f867-11f7-4ea6-acd9-b95b5366666f">Re: Giving daughter a necklace during ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Giving daughter a necklace during ceremony? : I don't think its a good idea, honestly. Maybe right before or after the ceremony. But, the ceremony should be between the adults getting married.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

I agree. The ceremony is for you to marry your fiance not for your daughter getting a necklace. If you want to give a necklace, great, just don't incorporate it into the ceremony.

OwningAHome1981 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_giving-daughter-a-necklace-during-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:fd21f89c-12bd-4b37-aaef-5225666fafb8Post:0a90ac15-3aa2-4b58-8707-a9ddc2309e66">Re: Giving daughter a necklace during ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that it would be a lovely gesture for him to give her a gift at the rehearsal dinner, or before the wedding, etc. I may ge flack for this, but I personally find it a bit creepy when children are involved in the wedding vows between 2 consenting adults. Involved as in receiving a gift from one of the adults being married, or when someone says vows to the child too. Including a child who is important to the couple by having them be a flower girl, ring bearer, bridesmaid, or groomsman is nice and meaningful. Having them present the gifts at a religious ceremony, doing a reading or a song, etc, are also nice.
Posted by kaos16[/QUOTE]

I feel the same. The thought of having a flowergirl or ringbearer creeped me out so we are not having either. It isn't cute, IMO, it's just creepy.

Pookieson · March 2013

I don't know that'd I'd use creepy unless vows were involved....which I've reiterated several times there would be NO VOWS! However, I agree the rehearsal would be a good place for this. I was considering because my daughter brought it up and is excited about the wedding. Also, thanks for all the great advice on this.

Giving daughter a necklace during ceremony?

Re: Giving daughter a necklace during ceremony?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards