Help!!! Is it this hard for anyone else?? Or do I just need to give up fighting it...

KitKatBar2 · August 2010

Anybody in for a pity party? I WISH I was "trying to balance school and wedding planning" as this board is tittled. We are waiting two years for us both to graduate college, and we've been engaged for two years already. Our parents kind of made us wait this long...and pretty much told us that we could never survive financially and still like each other in the end. It was traumatic announcing our engagement.

I was just wondering if anyone else had a similar situation. The waiting has been so hard that we have compromised our Christian beliefs in the process. We have to lie to our parents (or at least to mine...his don't really care) that we are still waiting until marriage. I don't feel happy about it, but I feel like a four-year engagement was just an impossible circumstance and expectation....

Does anybody feel me?

callalily13 · August 2010

The same thing is happening for me and my fiance. We actually started dating in high school and I we both went to college and now I am going to be going for my PhD and he is going to do his certification for teaching, so we are not even close to financially stable and must have a long engagement and save up money to be able to survive. Both sets of our parents keep telling us that it will be a long time, as if they dont allow this to be our decision. Both of us knew that we wanted to marry over 5 years ago and we are still waiting for another like 3-4 years which drives me nuts

KitKatBar2 · August 2010

Ughhh, thank you!!!! It's nice to know we aren't the only ones. We are high school sweethearts too. We've been together almost 5 years now. Thanks for sharing! Sometimes I just want to take the plunge and make it work. I feel like I can't ever fully enjoy the present moment because of this mindset.

bethsmiles · August 2010

My BF and I aren't engaged yet because we don't want a long engagement and we want to wait until we are done with school to get married but the waiting is killing us. We are determined to wait until marriage to have sex and that has been really hard and gets harder all the time. Our parents aren't making us wait though its our decision. I think if our parents ever suggested that we wait longer than we wanted to we would just go ahead with wedding plans anyway. But our parents are very supportive of our relationship and would be thrilled for us if we decided to get married before we were done with school.

I think if you and your FI are ready to get married then you guys should go for it. At some point you have to stop pleasing your parents, right?

Well either way I know waiting sucks...I hate it.

KitKatBar2 · August 2010

It's kind of awkward now because my FI is kind of way stressed right now. He's just changing schools and when I mentioned moving the wedding date up he kind of freaked.

So I guess IM just ready. But it has to be US.

GJones27 · August 2010

My FI and I are Christians and waiting. We've been together for over four years, and it will be five by the wedding day. Both of us will be graduate students when we get married, so we'll have no income so to speak. My parents didn't take an issue with that, I guess, because we'll be 26 and we tend to agree on finances.

If you're worried about your compromised Christian values, it's never to late to get back on track. I'm not sure what your faith tradition is, but you could talk to a priest or go to confession. Then you and your FI can recommit yourselves to adhering to your religion's teachings for another two years. I personally believe that God's forgiving if you're truly sorry for your past mistakes. One thing you should not do is speed up your engagement period just for the sex. I know Christians tend to get married earlier than non-Christians because waiting is harder, but you should approach marriage with the right reasons in your heart.

As for the finances, it's really hard to say. Maybe your parents are just worried that you're just young and it's not about the finances. I know finances tends to be the biggest problematic issue for newly married couples. Maybe I'm naive, but it's hard for me to imagine how it can cause a marriage to crumble so early on. Could you consider meeting with a financial planner? Could you get a personal finance book and go through with it with your fiance, planning out how you will approach issues?

Good luck with this! I hope you're able to find something that makes you, your fiance, and parents happy. Hang in there!

nktucker · August 2010

I went through the same issue with my parents--my FI and I announced our engagement over 2 years ago, and had planned originally to marry that fall, though we were both still in college. Our parents were not thrilled with the idea, and told us that they would have greater support in the marriage if we waited. Now, we're 9 1/2 months away from our (revised) wedding date, both graduating in the spring. While I'll be heading into even more school (doctorate work), we are appreciative that our parents made us wait until we were more financially stable. Still--the waiting wasn't easy!

Maybe, if you're ready, it would be worth talking out the situation with the parents involved. Surviving financially can be difficult, but it's worth making some cuts and compromises if that's what you both believe in. Having the conversation with your parents might open up some thoughts on their end, as well, as to how to make it work. Good luck!

stephdonjon · August 2010

I understand it has to be rough. I can't really answer your poll since we're not waiting. It's funny because I had always envision myself done with all my schooling and having a lucrative career before settling down. But hey, things happen. I still imagined we'd just have a long engagement, and I admit, when I saw the ring, a small of me was like, "*%&^, already?" Haha. Of course my dad is always telling me how he thinks we should wait until we both have real-person jobs, but FI is going into a straight to PhD program so that would be another 6 years. So we've decided to just go for it. It won't always be easy but he's always telling me how his parents did the same thing (with a baby on the way) and they're happily married still and financially well off.

Regarding your situation, you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. I know no one likes to lie to their parents, but really, you and FI are adults now and so that's your own business. I always remind myself, times are very different. My mom got married when she was 20, which makes it a lot easier to wait. Luckily, she understands that it's harder and harder to wait the older you get and the longer you're together. And today, people get married older and older because they are going to school longer and want stable careers. So in my opinion, feeling like you have to live up to all these expectations is impractical.

kdm06c · August 2010

My FI and I have been together for almost 6yrs and have been engaged for over 4yrs... It kind of sucks and has been hard at times but I think it has been totally worth the wait. However, my situation is a bit different than yours. My FI and I have been living together for 4yrs and we just had a baby. Also, our parent's aren't against us getting married, we have waited because my financial aid would be messed up if we got married.

I do know how you feel about parent's saying you can't make it. My school is 7.5hrs away from both our families. I was going whether my FI came or not but he decided he was going to move with me. When he told his mom, she was furious (she hated me anyways), and sat both of us down and gave us the whole you can't live of love speech and told us we were NEVER going to make it and I was going to cheat on him, and we were going to be begging to come home within a year... well, not so much! 4yrs later and we are still doing ok!

It is really tough, especially when parent's are against you, but you can do it! Good luck!

callalily13 · August 2010

Ya. Unfortunately, my fiance and I are not religious and although we were each other's firsts we did not feel the need to wait until marriage for sexual intimacy. We waited for nearly 2 years before we did because we wanted to make sure that we were right for each other. It was always my view that there is no one but yourself and your fiance that gets to decide your life and especially your intimacy. If you honestly believe that sex is against god's plans for your life and it is not just your parents views on the subject, then you should go to your priest and repent and then stop until you are married.

[Deleted User] · August 2010

My FI and I are also high school sweethearts. We will be together 6 years in December, and we're not getting married until NEXT November. The unfortunate thing for us is that we were never really "talked to" about sex. We lost our virginity to each other at 16 and 18. But the way I look at it is that for us, it was meant to be. We're still together and we plan on a relationship forever. We were blessed that nothing has ever happened to us as far as pregnancy goes. We've been living together for 2 years now, and been going to college together for 4 years. We've decided to hold on the full-on intimacy part because we can't afford a child right now, and no matter what precautions we take, it could happen. So we can wait. And there are other ways...

But every time I think I'm just SO ready to be married TOMORROW, I think about the sayings all the wise elderly people have lol...that we should relish in the moments that we have. You can never get these moments back. Once you're married, you're starting that new chapter, and the "engagement" chapter is over. For me, it helps to think about it that way. And time flies. What will you think of when you look back in 20 years? Probably that those 1-2-3 years were faster than you thought. ;o)

KitKatBar2 · August 2010

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. By the way, I guess I forgot to mention that we have been together almost five years now too.

We have decided to recommit to our Christian beliefs until our marriage.

In regards to rushing marriage "just for the sex", that is simply not the case. Theres is more to being married than that. You can travel together..family has to accept you as a unit. No more whole summers apart. You get to wake up and see their face. You get to spend holidays together. You simply get more time with your best friend.

I am struggling right now to let Jesus be everything I need...because after two years of engagement, I feel very jaded. I feel like I will never be happy until I get married. But I guess there is more to life than being happy, huh?

heyimbren · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_wish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:684Discussion:1852db59-7624-4001-ac00-f80f92d94c76Post:9b9b8514-b02a-4477-890b-aad5b7494c30">Re: Help!!! Is it this hard for anyone else?? Or do I just need to give up fighting it...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you all for sharing your experiences. By the way, I guess I forgot to mention that we have been together almost five years now too. We have decided to recommit to our Christian beliefs until our marriage. In regards to rushing marriage "just for the sex", that is simply not the case. Theres is more to being married than that. You can travel together..family has to accept you as a unit. No more whole summers apart. You get to wake up and see their face. You get to spend holidays together. You simply get more time with your best friend. I am struggling right now to let Jesus be everything I need...because after two years of engagement, I feel very jaded. I feel like I will never be happy until I get married. But I guess there is more to life than being happy, huh?
Posted by KitKatBar2[/QUOTE]

If that's how you're feeling right now, you should post on the Christian board. I'm sure a lot of the girls there will be able to relate to your situation as well!

KitKatBar2 · August 2010

True. Most people don't see the sacrifice...they just say, "why not just live together?". It is a lot harder to wait to get married when you aren't living together.

iarguello · August 2010

FI and I have been together over 3 years- straight out of highschool, engaged for 2 and I just graduated college, a year early thanks to clep tests and summer classes. He is still in school and we have been saving for the past two years- putting a little of each of our meager paychecks into a joint account each payday. We are paying for the wedding ourselves and are both paying for new cars, insurance, etc- but we're making it work. If we can do it- anyone can.

On the note of intimacy, he and I have chosen to wait. We are eachothers first relationships and plan to keep everything in the order that we think is right. We are not religious at all- but we do feel that it is an important step to take after marriage. It's really not that hard to wait- everyone has wants- but being intimate is something that is controllable- you'll do it when you want to, don't blame it on anything else or regret it. I'm a firm believer that if you want to get married- you should be emotionally and financially stable, which includes being able to handle the decisions regarding sex.

shargett · August 2010

I'm so happy to hear about your recommiting to your beliefs! We haven't been engaged as long as you, but my FI and I are also waiting until we finish our Bachelors degrees before we get married. Going into my junior year, I feel as if 2 years is such a long time. I just keep telling myself all the reasons that the wait is necessary, and I focus on enjoying the time I spend living with the girls on campus until the day comes when I'll be living with my man.

As for the compromising of your beliefs, you've made the right move in recommiting yourself if your faith is important to you. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, and God is forgiving. I've struggled in that area as well, as most young Christian couples do. Just think how much sweeter the honeymoon will be if you've been waiting 2 years for it! It will feel special all over again, and this time, you won't have to have mixed feelings due to having to hide it from parents.

stephjohnson9 · August 2010

There are so many people in your situation so don't feel alone. I think the best advice my FI and I ever got was to have a short engagement. In total ours will be 15 months because I thought I wanted long and now we are trying to think of ways to move up from next June. But the truth is if your parents are afraid for your financially they most likely always will be. We are not in our parents generation that without an education you can get a job to support your family. If you are on financial aid it will increase when you get married, your living expenses will decrease and the cost of travel to see each other and the long distance bills will disappear. My FI and I were at different schools for four years and knew we wanted to enjoy university for what it was and then get married. The wait is terrible, but it will be so worth it if you do. My advice to anyone not engaged yet is to wait, its easier to keep your purity when there is no ring, and a short engagement is key because if you are not planning a wedding and a life together while engaged what is the difference between engagement and a committed dating relationship. Just hold in there, it will come and be so worth it! Enjoy the time you are in now because you will have the rest of your lives to be married but only a few years to be 'engaged'.

KitKatBar2 · August 2010

Wow. Thank you for all the support everyone...it helps so much!! I don't have much time to reply right now, but thank you!

JessyNChris · August 2010

We don't have a wedding date because I didn't know when I was graduating. We have been engaged for about 5 years., and been together for over 10 years. I now know that I could graduate in the spring so I'm going to talk to my FI about a wedding date. It has been hard because I would like get on with the wedding planning. I also want to be to be with FI. He lives in NJ and I live in NC.

mizzicantwait · August 2010

Wow! A lot of people have posted!! When I read your post I thought I was reading about myself!! Especially when it comes to the whole "waiting" thing. By the time I get married we would be engaged for 2 years, but we have already been together for 6. I figured I waited 6 years to get engaged I can wait 2 to get married!

BrClktor · August 2010

I don't fit the situation concerning waiting, but I do understand the pain of having to wait so long for the wedding to happen. My FI have been engaged since Aug of 08 and are having to wait for at least over a year, probably 2 years. Him and I are living separately and my parents feel that we will never make it, dislike my FI alot, and my mother ridicules me in almost every decision I make concerning money.

sallyanne7 · August 2010

While my fiance and I didn't "wait", I understand how you feel. We were each others' first, and we'll be together forever. We're fairly religious, and while at times I feel a little guilty, it was the right choice for us.

I honestly cannot wait to marry him though. We were going to wait two years to get married, so we could have more money etc, but honestly we'll never have "enough" money. We'll be poor students for awhile, and it will be okay.

You'll make it. You have to realize that even though you won't be married yet for awhile; you will always have all his love in the meantime. You never get to be engaged again. The other day, we went to Taco Bell. I felt a bit guilty because I'm on a pre-wedding diet, but I was really craving a taco, man! And I said, "How often will I get to go to Taco Bell with my fiance?!" Dumb I know, but you gotta do whatever you can that helps.

Help!!! Is it this hard for anyone else?? Or do I just need to give up fighting it...

Re: Help!!! Is it this hard for anyone else?? Or do I just need to give up fighting it...

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