BIG Dilema, Need Advice...LONG

briandbry2010 · April 2010

So Due to some long standing family drama my mom no longer speaks to her sister. Up until a few months ago, I was still speaking to her. There was some drama where she talked horriably about my mother in a public forum thinking I wouldn't see but, I did and we had an exchange and I told her I no longer wished to see her. She is VERY manipulative. Fast forward to yesterday. My cousin calls me and said that while she was at my family shower this weekend my aunt called and asked what she was up to and she stated that she was at my shower and would call her later. Well the &*#$) hit the fan and she went to to a rage wondering why she wasn't invited and that my mom was blah blah blah and that she was going to come over and get this all hashed out. My cousin told her not to dare come over and left it at that. Later that night my aunt showed up at my cousins house and gave her a gift to give to me. I think thats horriably manipulative and it really bugged me that she would put my cousin in the middle. I don't plan on inviting her to the wedding. Do I send the gift back with a letter telling her why? Or do I take it and send a thank you but still not invite her? The first seems the most proper but Iam afraid if I don't take it she will talk Smack about how ungratefull I am and make me look like the bad guy to the family. any advice?

jamers22 · April 2010

i dont have any advice on what to do with the gift, but i just wanted to tell you that I wouldn't worry about your aunt making you look like the bad guy to the rest of the family. They probably already know how manipulative and crazy she is, so if she goes around talking bad about you, they probably won't believe what she says, and instead they will feel sympathy for you.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Sometimes, family sucks!

Tygirljojo · April 2010

It sounds like she will talk smack anyhow based on her history. I would opt for the former. Anyone in your family who knows you all would know why you sent it back. As one of my favorite sayings go: Those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind. Anyone who listens to her side and doesn't know your side - who cares what they think?

jennuinne · April 2010

I don't know, but that really sucks and I'm sorry you're dealing with all this bs family drama!

briandbry2010 · April 2010

Thanks ladies!

sarack · April 2010

Honestly, I would want to keep the gift as a consellation prize because I had to deal with all of that... BUT, I think you shouldn't invite her for sure... I think jamers is right that the fam probably knows whose crazy so you don't need to worry about that.

I'd just let it go.

Sorry you're dealing with this!

Kahalagurl · April 2010

yes keep the gift and send a thank you card, but no invite. I can't believe what a nightmare she she is.

whatchamahu · April 2010

I agree with PP, keep the gift, send a thank-you, but not an invite. You surely deserve a gift for dealing with her craziness, so don't worry about family's opinion, I'm sure they are used to her shinanigins.

braveangel2 · April 2010

It depends on how much she's going to be in your life in the future. I used to get rid of the gifts my bio dad would send because I thought that meant that he had some kind of hold on me. And while some of it was weird crap that I would never use/need/want, some of it was neat. So I decided that if someone wanted to get me gifts, I had no obligation to that person. It's a gift.

I would keep it, write a generic thank you note, feel no obligation to the woman and not invite her. Keep the cool head and the etiquette and she'll come out looking like an jerk.

So now I'm really curious...what did she get you? Have you opened it?

dreamwinds · April 2010

I guess I feel differently. I would send the gift back with a polite, friendly-sounding note, mostly because this woman sounds like she might use the excuse of having sent a gift to complain even louder about not being invited and hold it over your heads. I think I'd rather just avoid that kind of possibility myself, but I'm kind of a ostrich: hide my head under the ground until arguments go away.

kducharme · April 2010

I agree...I think you should keep the gift. You didn't ASK he to give you a gift so if she wants to complain later than that's her, not you. I wouldn't invite her to your wedding if it will cause drama with people at your wedding, but it seems from your story that drama will happen regardless of what your next move is.

Good luck! Be strong

hsunij · April 2010

That sounds absolutely miserable!

Thats a tough spot. I'm sorry you are dealing with this

ssmith172 · April 2010

it sucks so bad when people are being so passively aggressive. Its great to think that people do nice things because they want to and not because there is some sort of hidden adjenda. I agree to keep the gift with a generic thank you note. A gift doesn't equal an invite to your wedding though and if your aunt wants to turn it into that then its her problem. Your day should be stress free and if she ever challanges your decision that is all you have to say. "She was being manipulative, dramatic, and difficult... I didn't want to risk that affecting my wedding day in a negative way." People need to be accountable for their own actions whether they like the consequences or not.

KatyDidlettes · April 2010

I would ask your mom what she thinks. Moms always know!

marksmartini · April 2010

How sad first of all that your mom and her sister don't talk. My oldest sister and I are not close but, I cannot imagine not talking to her or seeing her kids. Life is too short to not put things aside and stay connected at some level. (OK, obviously there are major situations that would constitute a disconnect. Like molestation etc.)

I feel sorry for YOU being put in the middle. Just like your cousin you have been in the middle of this too. I am not sure what your plans were for inviting her to the wedding had you not told her you didn't want a relationship anymore. That obviously would have been an issue.

If it was me (which it isn't) I would call her directly...Not email, not sending feelings through a third party etc. Tell her that you appreciate the gesture and that given the chatter she did online that was disrespectful to your mother that obviously you cannot invite her to the wedding and still feel upset about the incident. ANY normal person would understand your loyalty to your mother. I would encourage her to make peace with her sister. It sometimes takes a death or other horrible situation for people to put their hand out to another and maybe if you remind her that life is short and she should make peace it would help you, your future hubby and cousin etc who are victims of their rift.

I am so sorry.

melissa82 · April 2010

I would graciously accept the gift, write a nice thank you and that's it. Gift doesn't equal invite.

I received a few gifts from people who weren't invited. It would have been horribly rude of me to send them back. I know this is a little different because she's doing it with negative intentions, but there's no reason you need to acknowledge that. Just pretend she's doing something nice for you.

You've already told her you don't wish to speak to her anymore, so there's really no reason for her to be enraged. I would just be sure to take the high road if she tries to bring it up to you (or someone else does). Simply explain what she did and that you don't wish to be a part of her life. I'd keep it simple and cordial. Repeat as needed and walk away. She can't make someone look bad if they won't react to her.

briandbry2010 · April 2010

Thnks For the advise ladies. The gift was a stock pot we had registered for. The funny thing (kind of) is that I went to target on monday before I found out about this whole thing to take it off the registry because I realized that we already had one and didn't need it. So either way I would be returning the gift.

BIG Dilema, Need Advice...LONG

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