were eloping

ohmydarlin21 · September 2012

We have been struggling financially for about 4 years. We had to move in with his mom. Were still struggling. So after thinking of every possible way to have a wedding and reception affordably, we decided to elope. But to Cancun, costa Rica or Jamaica. Everyone is ok with that. We asked. Were 43.

So when we return we would like to have 2 parties for the guests we wanted to have. I have a large family. My question is: How do I handle these situations:

Somebody wants to have a bridal shower for me.

Where are we registered

They just want to buy us a gift.

Can we have bachelorrate and bachellor parties?

Thank you for your advice..

strlzfan11 · September 2012

Choosing to elope means that you forego pre-wedding parties such as showers and bachelor/bachelorette parties.

The party is the most expensive part of the wedding, so I don't see how having 2 parties after the fact will help your finances. To me, eloping and having a party afterwards is wanting to have your cake and eat it too. It's telling your guests they're not good enough to see you get married, but good enough to bring you a gift at a party to celebrate something they didn't get to see in person.

You can set up a very small registry because some people may still choose to get you a gift, but don't go around advertising it unless someone specifically asks you.

Loopyseven · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_were-eloping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1251a3e0-be02-44cf-9d19-14e256b954c5Post:1ef4c66e-974d-4af3-843c-9ad56ff9e09c">were eloping</a>:
[QUOTE]We have been struggling financially for about 4 years. We had to move in with his mom. Were still struggling. So after thinking of every possible way to have a wedding and reception affordably, we decided to elope. But to Cancun, costa Rica or Jamaica. Everyone is ok with that. We asked. Were 43. So when we return we would like to have 2 parties for the guests we wanted to have. I have a large family. My question is: How do I handle these situations: Somebody wants to have a bridal shower for me. Where are we registered They just want to buy us a gift. Can we have bachelorrate and bachellor parties? Thank you for your advice..
Posted by ohmydarlin21[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Weddings don't have to be fancy. You could have a simple ceremony (church or park or backyard) and a simple reception (bbq or italian both can be catered fairly cheaply) for all your friends and family for the cost of a trip to Cancun/costa rica or jamaica and two other parties. I don't understand your logic for eloping.</div><div>To answer your questions.</div><div>Bridal showers are for people invited to the WEDDING - elopement = no shower.</div><div>It's okay to have a small registry and tell people IF THEY ASK. Don't make it too big or publicize it in any way or it will look gift grabby and presumptuous.</div><div>Bachelo/ette parties are also for people invited to the wedding - so if you elope, you don't get those either.

</div>

ohmydarlin21 · September 2012

Thanks Gals! I didn't think I was "entitled" to the pre party fun. That's cool. Im just seeing how to handle it when approached. We really feel we can't have the wedding and reception we want, so lets elope and spend the $ on us that we can and have a honeymoon. At our age-no kids, first marriage-isn't that ok? I feel like were old enough where we should do it without help.

lindseyann410 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_were-eloping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1251a3e0-be02-44cf-9d19-14e256b954c5Post:1ef4c66e-974d-4af3-843c-9ad56ff9e09c">were eloping</a>:
[QUOTE]We have been struggling financially for about 4 years. We had to move in with his mom. Were still struggling. So after thinking of every possible way to have a wedding and reception affordably, we decided to elope. But to Cancun, costa Rica or Jamaica. Everyone is ok with that. We asked. <strong>Were 43</strong>. So when we return we would like to have 2 parties for the guests we wanted to have. I have a large family. My question is: How do I handle these situations: Somebody wants to have a bridal shower for me. Where are we registered They just want to buy us a gift. Can we have bachelorrate and bachellor parties? Thank you for your advice..
Posted by ohmydarlin21[/QUOTE]

<div>Are you saying you both are 43 years old?</div><div>
</div><div>Also, if you are both struggling that much financially, your plan to do a destination wedding plus 2 at home receptions doesn't sound like the best idea.</div><div>
</div><div>Airfare, plus hotel, plus other costs for the wedding, plus food for your large families at these two parties will probably end up costing more than other alternatives, such as an outdoor wedding at a park with all your friends and families with a bbq reception, or a small intimate wedding with immediate family with the reception at a restaurant. </div><div>
</div><div>Just a thought.</div>

JoanE2012 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_were-eloping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1251a3e0-be02-44cf-9d19-14e256b954c5Post:1ef4c66e-974d-4af3-843c-9ad56ff9e09c">were eloping</a>:
[QUOTE]We have been struggling financially for about 4 years.<strong> We had to move in with his mom. Were still struggling</strong>. So after thinking of every possible way to have a wedding and reception affordably, we decided to elope. But to Cancun, costa Rica or Jamaica. Everyone is ok with that. We asked. Were 43. So when we return we would like to have 2 parties for the guests we wanted to have. I have a large family. My question is: How do I handle these situations: Somebody wants to have a bridal shower for me. Where are we registered They just want to buy us a gift. Can we have bachelorrate and bachellor parties? Thank you for your advice..
Posted by ohmydarlin21[/QUOTE]

If this is true, how can you afford to elope to Cancun or Costa Rica? And then come home and plan TWO parties? Am I missing something?

Honestly, I think I'd plan something small locally and save the money so you can move out of your mom's house.

ohmydarlin21 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_were-eloping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1251a3e0-be02-44cf-9d19-14e256b954c5Post:f8e59d39-b2ca-4ab5-87cc-c52aaa95d2c8">Re: were eloping</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to were eloping : If this is true, how can you afford to elope to Cancun or Costa Rica? And then come home and plan TWO parties? Am I missing something? Honestly, I think I'd plan something small locally and save the money so you can move out of your mom's house.
Posted by JoanE2012[/QUOTE]

<div>We are postponing it a year and will have 2 years to save..Which hopefully we will have enough money to do that..</div>

wrigleyville · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_were-eloping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1251a3e0-be02-44cf-9d19-14e256b954c5Post:e985bf7e-ef5d-4436-abb3-d6cd09efc616">Re: were eloping</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: were eloping : We are postponing it a year and will have 2 years to save..Which hopefully we will have enough money to do that..
Posted by ohmydarlin21[/QUOTE]
Point. Missed.

thurmanpowell · September 2012

Perhaps getting the "honeymoon" experience (as in fancy vacation with just the two of them) is more important to them then having a public ceremony. Maybe the two parties at home will be small family potluck type of things. Maybe not.

Either way, you guys don't really get to tell them how they should spend their money.

OP, any pre-wedding parties people want to throw for you are fine. Just insist on making it clear that you two will be eloping. I wouldn't do the registry, if your financial situation is well known and you don't have a place to furnish people probably won't feel weird about giving cash/gift cards anyhow. (but don't ASK for cash).

jenajjthr · September 2012

If you have 2 years to save for a trip for two to a foreign country, 2 parties when you get back, then you also have 2 years to save for a low cost at home wedding. They'll end up costing about the same.

Loopyseven · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_were-eloping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1251a3e0-be02-44cf-9d19-14e256b954c5Post:57478c90-76ba-4254-8b6f-99e73346f464">Re: were eloping</a>:
[QUOTE]Perhaps getting the "honeymoon" experience (as in fancy vacation with just the two of them) is more important to them then having a public ceremony. Maybe the two parties at home will be small family potluck type of things. Maybe not. Either way, you guys don't really get to tell them how they should spend their money. <strong>OP, any pre-wedding parties people want to throw for you are fine. </strong>Just insist on making it clear that you two will be eloping. I wouldn't do the registry, if your financial situation is well known and you don't have a place to furnish people probably won't feel weird about giving cash/gift cards anyhow. (but don't ASK for cash).
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>1 - We're not telling them how to spend their money - we're questioning the logic in claiming they are eloping for financial hardship reasons, when they plan to have money for a trip for two and two parties - and could spend the same amount of money doing a simple wedding with everyone they want to include in the first place.</div><div>
</div><div>2 -the bolded is just plain wrong. It is beyond rude to invite people to pre-wedding parties (ESPECIALLY a shower where a gift is expected as the premise for the party) and not invite them to the actual wedding. No ifs, ands, buts, or extenuating circumstances.

</div>

JoanE2012 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_were-eloping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1251a3e0-be02-44cf-9d19-14e256b954c5Post:57478c90-76ba-4254-8b6f-99e73346f464">Re: were eloping</a>:
[QUOTE]Perhaps getting the "honeymoon" experience (as in fancy vacation with just the two of them) is more important to them then having a public ceremony. Maybe the two parties at home will be small family potluck type of things. Maybe not. Either way, <strong>you guys don't really get to tell them how they should spend their money. </strong>OP, any pre-wedding parties people want to throw for you are fine. Just insist on making it clear that you two will be eloping. I wouldn't do the registry, if your financial situation is well known and you don't have a place to furnish people probably won't feel weird about giving cash/gift cards anyhow. (but don't ASK for cash).
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

It's a public forum and we can post what we like. I think most people are trying to understand the situation better since the statements didn't make sense. And because they didn't make sense, people made suggestions on what could be better alternatives.

In the end, I don't give a rat's a** if they travel to Costa Rica, have two receptions, and come back home to live with mom.

ETA: The OP followed up with the following comment: "We are postponing it a year and will have 2 years to save..Which hopefully we will have enough money to do that.".

Hopefully. I dunno. I guess I would have different priorities. Like moving out and getting on my feet.

thurmanpowell · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_were-eloping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1251a3e0-be02-44cf-9d19-14e256b954c5Post:96a9507f-5e81-4dc6-8579-8452871ca805">Re: were eloping</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: were eloping : It's a public forum and we can post what we like. I think most people are trying to understand the situation better since the statements didn't make sense. And because they didn't make sense, people made suggestions on what could be better alternatives. In the end, I don't give a rat's a** if they travel to Costa Rica, have two receptions, and come back home to live with mom. ETA: The OP followed up with the following comment: "We are postponing it a year and will have 2 years to save..Which hopefully we will have enough money to do that.". Hopefully. <strong>I dunno. I guess I would have different priorities. Like moving out and getting on my feet.</strong>
Posted by JoanE2012[/QUOTE]

So would I. But I'm not going to fault them for not doing what you or I would do. Of course you have a right to post whatever you want, just the same as I do. I never said anyone didn't have the right to post anything. However, you don't really get a say in how other people spend their money. Plus, it's bad ettiquette to try. =)

Edit: Also, JoanE2012 I wasnt'y referring to your specific post, as you only asked for clarification. It was more to the "Point missed" comment which insinuates that the OP is missing some higher truth by not scrapping her plans to do what some other knottie thinks is right.

thurmanpowell · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_were-eloping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1251a3e0-be02-44cf-9d19-14e256b954c5Post:3b2c1bb9-3f13-4e22-aa98-c31a898927be">Re: were eloping</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: were eloping : 1 - We're not telling them how to spend their money - we're questioning the logic in claiming they are eloping for financial hardship reasons, when they plan to have money for a trip for two and two parties - and could spend the same amount of money doing a simple wedding with everyone they want to include in the first place. 2 -the bolded is just plain wrong. <strong>It is beyond rude to invite people to pre-wedding parties (ESPECIALLY a shower where a gift is expected as the premise for the party) and not invite them to the actual wedding. </strong> No ifs, ands, buts, or extenuating circumstances.
Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]

See, I was under the impression that the OP wasn't inviting anyone herself. To me this read as a situation where everyone knows that she and her FI have been struggling financially and are not having a wedding ceremony and someone has offered to throw her a congratulatory party regardless. Yes, it is completely rude to throw a shower and pretend that there will be a traditional wedding service but I see no harm in a small pre-elopement get together where everyone knows the situation up front.

Seriously , if you were invited to something framed as "So and So cannot afford a typical wedding and will be getting eloped, but I thought it would be nice to throw a small party to congratulate her on their upcoming marriage" would it really offend you? If so, I wish I had your carefree life!

Is it a perfect scenario? No, but I would assume this isn't how the OP invisioned her perfect wedding either. On the scale of infractions this is pretty harmless. Perhaps the OP could consider not calling it a shower (and again, not registering) to make sure non of the guest get confused and to get out of the "gifts are expected" thing.

Avion22 · September 2012

OP, the only thing I can add is to please check and make sure that a wedding in Mexico, Costa Rica, or Jamaica (wherever you end up going) will be legally recognized in the US. Otherwise, you'll just end up going to the courthouse anyway.

Cortney1982 · September 2012

Basically would rather go on vacation than to have your friends and family see you get married but you still want all the fanfare that comes with throwing a proper wedding.

If your struggeling and living with his mother why would you spend a small fortune going on vacation? Would his mother be angry with this? Priorty 1 should not be going on vacation or even throwing a party, it should be getting on your own feet again. Getting a marriage license and going to the courthouse does not cost much. It would even be nice to invite a few friends and family and have a nice dinner afterwards. I'm sure they know your situation and would respect this option over anything else.

This is coming from somebody who had the option of elope and vacation or wedding and reception. We simply did not have money for both. In the end we chose to put on the wedding because family was more important.

JessAndTrav · September 2012

OP, I'm in the camp that if you're saving for 2 years anyway, you may as well have a small wedding at home.

I'm also in the mindset that if I were 43 and living with my parents because finances were bad, I probably wouldn't put my money toward a wedding at all. I would put the money toward getting on our feet and moving out.

Summer2011Bride · September 2012

OP, you can spend your money as you please, obviously. But people here are pointing out that you claim you "have" to elope because money is so tight, yet you are taking a vacation to another country, then throwing two parties when you return. That isn't cheap and it isn't saving money over having a small at-home wedding with friends and family. This is what we do not get.

If you would rather have a private wedding on a beach somewhere, great. Awesome. But by doing so, you give up the chance at having b-parties, showers and the like. You can't have both. You need to politely decline any offers of those thing. If that is the wedding you want, then you should have it at home and invite your friends and family.

I still find it weird you're claiming financial trouble but dropping all this dough on an exotic DW. And I guess what I'm trying to say is, as a person invited to a pre-wedding party (which you shouldn't have but if you do decide to do it anyway), I would really side-eye that, like you're claiming financial hardship so you get showers and what not thrown for you, when really you just want the exotic wedding, KWIM?

SB1512 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_were-eloping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1251a3e0-be02-44cf-9d19-14e256b954c5Post:800f83c8-c002-4136-aed6-1babb086a348">Re: were eloping</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Basically would rather go on vacation than to have your friends and family see you get married but you still want all the fanfare that comes with throwing a proper wedding. If your struggeling and living with his mother why would you spend a small fortune going on vacation? </strong>Would his mother be angry with this? Priorty 1 should not be going on vacation or even throwing a party, it should be getting on your own feet again. Getting a marriage license and going to the courthouse does not cost much. It would even be nice to invite a few friends and family and have a nice dinner afterwards. I'm sure they know your situation and would respect this option over anything else. This is coming from somebody who had the option of elope and vacation or wedding and reception. We simply did not have money for both. In the end we chose to put on the wedding because family was more important.
Posted by Cortney1982[/QUOTE]

Where exactly did the OP say that she wanted all the fanfare? From the way I read her post it seemed as though she was asking how to handle people asking her if they could throw her a shower/bparty/where she was registered. In fact, after a couple initial responses the OP said:

"Thanks Gals! I didn't think I was "entitled" to the pre party fun. That's cool. Im just seeing how to handle it when approached."

So, didn't come across to me that she felt she should be able to have her cake (eloping) and eat it too (wedding related parties), but moreso what's an appropriate response to these questions because she is eloping. As far as the financial stuff, while yes the OP's thought seems a little skewed on saving up to take a vacation/eloping and then throwing 2 parties instead of just having a simple wedding, at the end of the day it's her and her FI's money, and their choice.

hccpsu · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_were-eloping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1251a3e0-be02-44cf-9d19-14e256b954c5Post:29d5aa91-feee-41d0-8724-a18ece52baa8">Re: were eloping</a>:
[QUOTE]Eloping is fine. You should send out wedding announcements to your friends and family after the ceremony, or have someone do it for you stateside, to save postage. Ms. Bride's Full Name and Mr. Groom's Full Name announce their marriage Date City, Country No pre-wedding parties. No bachelor-bachelorettes. No showers. No wedding reception. These are all things that you give up when you decide to elope. Do not register for gifts. Say "No, thankyou" to anyone who wants to do any of this. You may have a party to celebrate your marriage when you return. This will not be a wedding reception. It will be a party.Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

Actually, according to Emily Post it IS a reception (see "Belated Receptions" Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette, 5th edition).

wrigleyville · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_were-eloping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1251a3e0-be02-44cf-9d19-14e256b954c5Post:f67d3c54-9df9-4798-ada1-2cec0a80f538">Re: were eloping</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, JoanE2012 I wasnt'y referring to your specific post, as you only asked for clarification.<strong> It was more to the "Point missed" comment</strong> which insinuates that the OP is missing some higher truth by not scrapping her plans to do what some other knottie thinks is right.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

Then you should have replied to me directly or addressed me by name instead of using the generic "posters".

My point remains. If I were supporting my 43-year old daughter and FSIL, I'd be a might bit ticked if they spent two years saving up to travel to a foreign country to get married and then throw <em>two</em> parties when they get back. They could spend $20 on a marriage license, get married at the JOP, have a small dinner with family/friends afterward, and then spend those two years saving up for a security deposit on a new place (which is probably less than the cost for two people to travel to the tropics).

I'm not telling OP how to spend her money, but I can sure as hell judge it.

arendiva · September 2012

You shouldn't have a bridal shower. If you aren't inviting people to your wedding it's really not fair to expect them to buy you gifts. i find the notion of a bachelorette part BEFORE your wedding to be less offensive. If your friends know that they aren't invited and they still want to go out drinking with you than that doesn't seem like a big deal to me. But gift giving occassion are a big NO.

EK2013 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_were-eloping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1251a3e0-be02-44cf-9d19-14e256b954c5Post:1ef4c66e-974d-4af3-843c-9ad56ff9e09c">were eloping</a>:
[QUOTE]We have been struggling financially for about 4 years. We had to move in with his mom. Were still struggling. So after thinking of every possible way to have a wedding and reception affordably, we decided to elope. But to Cancun, costa Rica or Jamaica. Everyone is ok with that. We asked. Were 43. So when we return we would like to have 2 parties for the guests we wanted to have. I have a large family. My question is: How do I handle these situations: Somebody wants to have a bridal shower for me. Where are we registered They just want to buy us a gift. Can we have bachelorrate and bachellor parties? Thank you for your advice..
Posted by ohmydarlin21[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>To be frank, if you're local to Orange County, you probably could have an equally "destination-y" elopement somewhere closer and save the cost of airfare and the hassle of figuring out legal things. I know this isn't the advice you're asking for, but I'm giving it because if one of my friends was not self-sustaining, I wouldn't want to see her put herself farther away from financial independence to have something that would be just as beautiful--but a ton more of a hassle--than what she could have near home.
</div><div>
</div>

thurmanpowell · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_were-eloping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1251a3e0-be02-44cf-9d19-14e256b954c5Post:b971453e-7011-4186-b7da-49867006dcb1">Re: were eloping</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: were eloping : <strong> Then you should have replied to me directly or addressed me by name instead of using the generic "posters".</strong> My point remains. If I were supporting my 43-year old daughter and FSIL, I'd be a might bit ticked if they spent two years saving up to travel to a foreign country to get married and then throw two parties when they get back. They could spend $20 on a marriage license, get married at the JOP, have a small dinner with family/friends afterward, and then spend those two years saving up for a security deposit on a new place (which is probably less than the cost for two people to travel to the tropics). I'm not telling OP how to spend her money, but I can sure as hell judge it.
Posted by wrigleyville[/QUOTE]

No, I shouldn't have. Your post was the basis of the sentiment I was criticizing but I don't care enough about you to send you a private message about it.

Sorry sweetheart, they'll be no after school showdowns about this.

Go ahead and judge who you want for whatever you want, but you're still in the wrong. You have a right to be wrong, of course.

were eloping

Re: were eloping

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