how to politely remove a bridesmaid

plbmom · September 2010

We're having a small wedding party, consisting of 2 moh's (my daughter and sister), and 2 bridesmaids. I've been having issues with one bridesmaid. I technically never even asked her to be a bridesmaid, but we had been hanging out a lot so at the time I was okay with it. We have been to a few different stores to try on dresses and she has constantly put down my colors, every dress I've picked, and has tried to tell me what to do. This is my day, not her's! We haven't seen each other or hardly even spoke in over a month, due to the fact that she is now living with my fiance's psycho ex. I need to know how to politely remove her so I don't completely ruin my friendship with her. We don't want his ex knowing every detail of our wedding and I don't want someone in it who constantly puts everything I want down! What should I do?

trix1223 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_politely-remove-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:227c1a8e-9275-497e-814b-4784d4da47adPost:f8f575dd-e48b-42af-909a-aefd50d2fade">how to politely remove a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]We're having a small wedding party, consisting of 2 moh's (my daughter and sister), and 2 bridesmaids. I've been having issues with one bridesmaid. I technically never even asked her to be a bridesmaid, but we had been hanging out a lot so at the time I was okay with it. We have been to a few different stores to try on dresses and she has constantly put down my colors, every dress I've picked, and has tried to tell me what to do. This is my day, not her's! We haven't seen each other or hardly even spoke in over a month, due to the fact that she is now living with my fiance's psycho ex. I need to know how to politely remove her so I don't completely ruin my friendship with her. We don't want his ex knowing every detail of our wedding and I don't want someone in it who constantly puts everything I want down! What should I do?
Posted by plbmom[/QUOTE]

There's no "polite" way to do an impolite thing. Even if you didn't "officially" ask her, you clearly implied it when you had her (or let her) try on BM dresses.

And it's not "your" day. It's also your FI's day and any other family and friends you invite to your wedding.

heyimbren · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_politely-remove-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:227c1a8e-9275-497e-814b-4784d4da47adPost:f8f575dd-e48b-42af-909a-aefd50d2fade">how to politely remove a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]We're having a small wedding party, consisting of 2 moh's (my daughter and sister), and 2 bridesmaids. I've been having issues with one bridesmaid. <strong> I technically never even asked her to be a bridesmaid</strong>, but we had been hanging out a lot so at the time I was okay with it. <strong> We have been to a few different stores to try on dresses</strong> and she has constantly put down my colors, every dress I've picked, and has tried to tell me what to do. This is my day, not her's! We haven't seen each other or hardly even spoke in over a month, due to the fact that she is now living with my fiance's psycho ex. <strong> I need to know how to politely remove her so I don't completely ruin my friendship with her</strong>. We don't want his ex knowing every detail of our wedding and I don't want someone in it who constantly puts everything I want down! What should I do?
Posted by plbmom[/QUOTE]

How do you technically not ask someone to be a BM and yet end up with her as a BM? I don't understand that at all.

But you've taken her dress shopping, so she clearly is a BM and you consider her to be one. She may not like your ideas or your colours, and it's fine for you to say "Well you can do what you want for your wedding, but this is what I've chosen." Politely, of course. If you don't like her input on your wedding, don't discuss the wedding with her.

You absolutely, positively, cannot remove a BM without ruining your friendship or even do it politely. Outside of physically assaulting you or trying to steal your FI or anything like that, it is incredibly rude to remove someone as a BM.

You will not get positive responses to this. I recommend you reconsider this. Her roommate has nothing to do with whether she should be a BM or not.

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

Is there a polite way to kick a male friend in the balls? Because what you're suggesting is pretty much the equivalent. It's an inherently rude act, one of the rudest things a bride can do, there's no way to do it politely.

[Deleted User] · September 2010

Don't do it. If she tells you she doesn't want to be a BM anymore, that is a different story.

Manwaithiel · September 2010

LURK!! LURK LURK LURK LURK LURK!

...and lurk...

fatkidandcake · September 2010

Oh Honey i feel for you completely, Sadly the issue I 've been having is with my MOH not my bridesmaid, and I only have one bridesmaid outside of my MOH. I know how difficult it is when you pick someone to be involved in your wedding and then by either not being there at all (which is my issue) or by putting down every decision you make, you almost feel like the friendship has already been betrayed. My MOH is my best friend of almost 15 years my BM has been my friend for almost 17 so I thought DUH they'd be awesome they've been there faithfully for everything this is a no brainer, well as soon as she was given the title she started flaking out, she wants to help plan the Bachlorette party but nothing else, and won't even give a speech at the reception...it's really frustrating and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it as well.

My advice to you is evaluate how much you want this person in your life in the first place if she's really that good of a friend then it should be easy for you to talk to her and ask her change the way she is handling shopping and planning with something along the lines of "I appreciate your opinions, and know that you have great ideas but there are a few things I've really fallen in love with and couldn't see my wedding without them, so please try to be sensitive towards what my feelings are after all it's mine and my FI day." If she can't respect you after that then I don't know why you'd even wanna continue being friends with her,and if it get's to that point it should be easy to uh...relinquish her of her duties but that's just my opinion. My MOH and I are going out for drinks next week sometime and I'm hoping I'll be able to express my feelings to her without it blowing up. Good Luck!

bablingbrooke · September 2010

If you never asked her to be a BM, how is she a BM?

jagore08 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_politely-remove-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:227c1a8e-9275-497e-814b-4784d4da47adPost:3d2df9a5-e4ff-42f7-84ad-b91d8a5eb85c">Re: how to politely remove a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Is there a polite way to kick a male friend in the balls?
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

<div>Keep apologizing while you're doing it?</div>

Manwaithiel · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_politely-remove-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:227c1a8e-9275-497e-814b-4784d4da47adPost:63d9691b-c8b1-4e8c-b7d1-ce89b8033a40">Re: how to politely remove a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry but I got to go against what the other girls have said. I would just say I'm sorry, this is how its gonna be. There is no need for you to defend your decisions, but if you do maybe just say something like 'it seem logical to do since you didn't seem very interested' (example-dress shopping) because yes it is your day, but its your husbands day too. Just make sure the two of you are happy and can live with your choices.
Posted by pizzanfries4me[/QUOTE]

What does her husband have to do with it? It's not his wedding party, it's hers.

OP, if you want to look like a total Bridezilla and kick someone out, then do it. And yes she is a BM and you would be kicking her out because you took her dress shopping, implying that you wanted her in the WP and if you didn't intend to make her a BM and let her do that, then people are just going to think you're hugely mean. You should have spoken up a long time ago about how there must have been some misunderstanding, but you haven't chosen your BP.

There are no backsies unless you cease to be friends (and not because you kicked her out) or she does something truly awful.

Robyn5298 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_politely-remove-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:227c1a8e-9275-497e-814b-4784d4da47adPost:e78f508b-74d3-4536-94d5-c4f1b0e09ecb">Re: how to politely remove a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: how to politely remove a bridesmaid : Keep apologizing while you're doing it?
Posted by jagore08[/QUOTE]

<div>Jagore - this reminds me of the part in Little Nicky when one of the evil brothers possesses Nicky and makes him give his girlfriend the finger, but he's saying sorry at the same time. </div><div>
</div><div>Does anyone know what I'm talking about?</div><div>I couldn't find that clip isolated but you can see it at 1:41 at this link:</div><div><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmSghBdVs24&feature=related" rel="nofollow">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmSghBdVs24&feature=related</a></div><div>
</div><div>Now I want to watch goofy Adam Sandler movies all night. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" /></div>

jcamm11 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_politely-remove-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:227c1a8e-9275-497e-814b-4784d4da47adPost:ce496914-f5df-4224-91f7-fabfafe90e90">Re: how to politely remove a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]"Be there for you" is your fiance, and I'm always baffled when a bride says her friends "don't support her wedding." <strong>What??? is there to support??</strong> It's a happy time.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Omg, I am in tears laughing at the bolded part - and totally agree with all of it

JenGin74 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_politely-remove-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:227c1a8e-9275-497e-814b-4784d4da47adPost:f9b9b5ca-3330-4321-a879-30312faf0749">Re: how to politely remove a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]There is no polite way to do it. You can do it or not, but even when it is truly justified (i.e. BM slept with your FI or intentionally set fire to your wedding dress) there is still not a nice way to word it.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Haha! If a BM slept with FI or set fire to my dress I doublt I'd be worried about how nice my wording was :P

banana468 · September 2010

I'm going to echo PPs.

In the meantime, talk to her about the things that she says she's not liking. Is it possible that you can change a dress color while keeping your color vision? I know if someone said, "I'll have my BMs in yellow I'd shudder" simply because I know it's the least flattering color for me to put on. I'd do what I could to suggest maybe sashes in the color or other things.

So instead, why not call her and say, "I know we seem to have different ideas. It is my wedding but I want you to be happy in what you wear. Maybe we can come to a compromise. What were you thinking for dresses?"

Mrs.B6302007 · September 2010

I think you're stuck with her especially since somehow she got the impression that she was in the WP and you weren't man, er...woman, enough to correct her when it first happened. You've made your bed.

suz62984 · September 2010

If you don't want to be her friend anymore then end it and the wedding will be understood. There isn't a way to "politely" tell someone that they aren't good enough to be in your wedding anymore. You're stuck with her unless you end the friendship.

andamu · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_politely-remove-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:227c1a8e-9275-497e-814b-4784d4da47adPost:0976fb1d-1096-4ffe-8b98-f1b190cc3dec">Re: how to politely remove a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you're stuck with her especially since somehow she got the impression that she was in the WP and you weren't man, er...woman, enough to correct her when it first happened. You've made your bed.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

You took the words from my mouth. The time to deal with this was before you took her dress shopping and gave her the impression that she was in the wedding. Now you just have to make the best of things.

PeonyPrincesskdd · September 2010

:
[QUOTE]Oh Honey i feel for you completely, Sadly the issue I 've been having is with my MOH not my bridesmaid, and I only have one bridesmaid outside of my MOH. I know how difficult it is when you pick someone to be involved in your wedding
<strong> and then by either not being there at all (which is my issue) or by putting down every decision you make, you almost feel like the friendship has already been betrayed.

</strong>--MOH not being there is NOT an issue. What does she need to be there for? She is not going to be there to hold your hand every step of the way throughout the whole wedding planning process.. that is what FI is for.

--Also it really is ridiculous to say that because MOH puts down or doesn't like your ideas and decisions that you feel your friendship is betrayed. Really it is. So that means that when you and MOH go shopping and she doesn't like your taste of clothing or jeans or candle scents that means that your friendship is also betrayed right? Oh well because it deals with weddings that just make your friendship betrayed right, because she doesn't agree with you choosing X over Z.
,

<strong>she wants to help plan the Bachlorette party but nothing else, and won't even give a speech at the reception

</strong>--She doesn't have to plan anything, not even a Bach, unless SHE chooses to. She also is not required to give a speech. It's optional and solely up to the MOH is she decides she wants to give one.

<strong>If she can't respect you after that then I don't know why you'd even wanna continue being friends with her,and if it get's to that point it should be easy to uh...relinquish her of her duties but that's just my opinion.

</strong>---Wow. Just because the MOH doesn't like a certain dress color, etc, that means she doesn't respect the bride? Really? Relinquish her duties. Wow. You are seriously out of line and a total control freak

Posted by fatkidandcake[/QUOTE]

Tiger_Tammer · September 2010

What really is the point of defining a MOH from the rest of the bridal party? From what I gather from these posts, they dont have to do anything...so whats the point of even having one?

banana468 · September 2010

Tiger_Tammer, your MOH should be the closest person to you. What she does is up to her when you talk of things that are pre-wedding. At the wedding she'll stand up next to you, arrange your dress and hold your bouquet. No, you don't "need" one but those are some of the things that the MOH may do.

The rest that the MOH does is up to her. Just like your FI/DH may give you flowers for Valentine's Day, he doesn't HAVE to.

DavidandAmyClark · September 2010

You need a witness for each person getting married and the MOH is your witness.

mbcdefg · September 2010

To honor your best friend.

Not to assign her duties, or recognize her for doing the most grunt work.

megk8oz · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_politely-remove-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:227c1a8e-9275-497e-814b-4784d4da47adPost:f9b9b5ca-3330-4321-a879-30312faf0749">Re: how to politely remove a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]There is no polite way to do it. You can do it or not, but even when it is truly justified (i.e. BM slept with your FI or<strong> intentionally set fire to your wedding dress</strong>) there is still not a nice way to word it.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I like how this reason started to catch on. I'm very proud of that, lol.

bablingbrooke · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_politely-remove-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:227c1a8e-9275-497e-814b-4784d4da47adPost:6782db1b-532d-49eb-88b4-29c6932ac9ed">Re: how to politely remove a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: how to politely remove a bridesmaid : I like how this reason started to catch on. I'm very proud of that, lol.
Posted by megk8oz[/QUOTE]
Was it inspired by my sister accidentally catching on fire during our wedding? ;)

megk8oz · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_politely-remove-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:227c1a8e-9275-497e-814b-4784d4da47adPost:be8643b2-aa61-455e-8d12-1a5a151a1c0f">Re: how to politely remove a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: how to politely remove a bridesmaid : Was it inspired by my sister accidentally catching on fire during our wedding? ;)
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

It may have been, lol.

bablingbrooke · September 2010

how to politely remove a bridesmaid

Re: how to politely remove a bridesmaid

Choose Another Board

Search Boards