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ZvaraBerkshire · November 2011

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Queen Jane · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-nerves?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9459ce24-6573-4d13-8932-fa0d29593065Post:e89c5696-f77f-41e3-bc4b-f019958f6991">FMIL on my nerves...</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone, 'm just a little frustrated at this point because at the very beginning she told me she wanted me to wear a challe that was her mothers, and I said no because that is for YOUR daughter to have when SHE gets married... also, I already told her that she can wear whatever dress she wants as long as it is black. She has the nerve to ask me yesterday if she can wear a smoky grey color....I again said no because my girls are wearing black, the guys are wearing black, my mother is wearing black because she is walking down the aisle and my FMIL will stand out if she isn't wearing black....I'm the only one that should be wearing anything but black in the wedding party... I'm kind of torn. My FMIL has told my FI she wants to be more involved because she feels like she doesn't know anything that's going on... We have pretty much everything planned and we had invited her to the food tasting and yes she came, but now my FI asked me if its ok she come to see flowers too. We had already gone to see the flowers vendor and made some choices, but I changed my mind and needed to make another appointment. I really don't want her to come, and the only reason my mom is coming is because she is paying for it all, so yes, she does have somewhat of a say... Anyway, I don't understand why my fi has all of a sudden the urge to be involved in everything when he said from the beginning he didn't care, and now he wants to ask her to come too. I already know what I want and wanted to discuss prices with the vendor, and don't feel its necessary that she come because she isn't paying for it. She is also one of the FMIL that has the biggest family, mine is very small, and she wants to invite every single person on her side. My mom is a widow and is paying for all of our wedding except booze and RD. She just about crapped her pants when my FMIL said she wanted to invite everyone...she is 1 of 12 kids... she also states that she doesn't know anything that is going on with the wedding though I have told her everything that I know. Everytime she wants to talk wedding she calls my FI and he ends up saying he doesn't know and hands the phone over to me and I hadn't prepared myself for that conversation... So, sorry, I'm venting and got a little off subject, but how do I tell my FI that I don't believe it is necessary that she come even if she wants because she will not have a say anyway and she is only putting forth maybe an eighth of what my mom is paying for. I don't want her suggestions because I already know what I want and I'm to the point where I want to be a bridezilla, though I haven't been one yet, and tell her that I will let her know when I need her help and thoughts. I've already got my mind set with my wedding 4 mths away and have other things to worry about. Besides, my MOH is my FI's sister and she is not married yet and she will get to plan her wedding with her..my mother deserves to be involved more than anything because she is so generous to pay for our wedding and she has already been the MOG twice and this is her last chance for MOB. I know I'm seeming selfish, but I've pretty much made up my mind on certain things and when I know exactly what we are doing, she knows that I tell her and have told her what I know. Am I being a Bridezilla, or do I just know what I want and sticking to it? Lost and speechless of my own words....a bride can vent, can't she?
Posted by ZvaraBerkshire[/QUOTE]

<div>You can not dictate what anyone wears, except for the WP. The WP does not include the bride and groom's parents. The idea that you should be the only one not wearing black is a bit AWish if you ask me.</div><div>
</div><div>Why not let FMIL come to the flower appt? Just because she is there doesn't mean you automatically have to change your plans. Maybe you can all go and make a lunch or dinner for the same time and just enjoy each other's company? It could be fun.</div><div>
</div><div>This is your FI's wedding also, keep in mind, so he has every right to change his mind and be involved in the planning. Just because FMIL suggests something (if she does), all you have to do is say "Oh, we've already decided on X", or, "We will take that into consideration".</div>

em01092 · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-nerves?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9459ce24-6573-4d13-8932-fa0d29593065Post:e89c5696-f77f-41e3-bc4b-f019958f6991">FMIL on my nerves...</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone, 'm just a little frustrated at this point because at the very beginning she told me she wanted me to wear a challe that was her mothers, and I said no because that is for YOUR daughter to have when SHE gets married... also, I already told her that she can wear whatever dress she wants as long as it is black.<strong> She has the nerve to ask me yesterday if she can wear a smoky grey color....I again said no because my girls are wearing black, the guys are wearing black, my mother is wearing black because she is walking down the aisle and my FMIL will stand out if she isn't wearing black....I'm the only one that should be wearing anything but black in the wedding party...</strong> I'm kind of torn. My FMIL has told my FI she wants to be more involved because she feels like she doesn't know anything that's going on... We have pretty much everything planned and we had invited her to the food tasting and yes she came, but now my FI asked me if its ok she come to see flowers too. We had already gone to see the flowers vendor and made some choices, but I changed my mind and needed to make another appointment. I really don't want her to come, and the only reason my mom is coming is because she is paying for it all, so yes, she does have somewhat of a say... Anyway, <strong>I don't understand why my fi has all of a sudden the urge to be involved in everything </strong>when he said from the beginning he didn't care, and now he wants to ask her to come too. I already know what I want and wanted to discuss prices with the vendor, and <strong>don't feel its necessary that she come because she isn't paying for it.</strong> She is also one of the FMIL that has the biggest family, mine is very small, and she wants to invite every single person on her side. My mom is a widow and is paying for all of our wedding except booze and RD. She just about crapped her pants when my FMIL said she wanted to invite everyone...she is 1 of 12 kids... she also states that she doesn't know anything that is going on with the wedding though I have told her everything that I know. Everytime she wants to talk wedding she calls my FI and he ends up saying he doesn't know and hands the phone over to me and I hadn't prepared myself for that conversation... So, sorry, I'm venting and got a little off subject, but how do I tell my FI that I don't believe it is necessary that she come even if she wants because she will not have a say anyway and she is only putting forth maybe an eighth of what my mom is paying for. I don't want her suggestions because I already know what I want and I'm to the point where I want to be a bridezilla, though I haven't been one yet, and tell her that I will let her know when I need her help and thoughts. I've already got my mind set with my wedding 4 mths away and have other things to worry about. Besides, my MOH is my FI's sister and she is not married yet and she will get to plan her wedding with her..my mother deserves to be involved more than anything because she is so generous to pay for our wedding and she has already been the MOG twice and this is her last chance for MOB. I know I'm seeming selfish, but I've pretty much made up my mind on certain things and when I know exactly what we are doing, she knows that I tell her and have told her what I know. <strong> Am I being a Bridezilla</strong>, or do I just know what I want and sticking to it? Lost and speechless of my own words....a bride can vent, can't she?
Posted by ZvaraBerkshire[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes, you are being a bridezilla, but only about FMIL's attire, mainly. You don't get to tell anyone what to wear unless they are in the WP. The mothers are not part of the WP, unless they are a BM/MOH. Your mom and FMIL should be allowed to wear whatever they want, though I do not think it's too much to wantthem not to wear white. </div><div>
</div><div>Also, your FI should have a say in the wedding, because, you know, it's his wedding too. Your FMIL does not have to attend anything with you, but it's a nice gesture. If she pipes up and you don't like her suggestion, you and your mom (since she is paying) get the final say. You can say, "Thanks FMIL but I think we're going to go with the roses" or whatever. </div><div>
</div><div>If your mom is paying, then your FMIL does not get unrestricted guests. You can ask her to compile a wish list and you and your FI can choose or ask her to list them, starting with her "must haves" and working her way down to third cousins, etc. Or you can tell her she can invite X number of guests and that's final. If she insists on X+ 10 extra, she may offer to pay for those extra, and whether you accept is between you and your FI. </div><div>
</div><div>I understand what you mean about your mom enjoying her time as MOB, but that doesn't mean you have to purposefully exclude your FMIL from everything either. My advice would be to pick your battles. It's just one flower appointment. Is it really that big of a deal? Weigh it out compared to say, shopping for your dress or getting ready the morning of.

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RaptorSLH · November 2011

Since she isn't responsible for the bill, she doesn't have to know anything you're not comfortable with her knowing. It is OK to limit attendance based on closeness of relationship (emotional or genetic,) at the couple's and the bill payer's discretion.

You are free to decline the challa, but there was no reason to be offended by it - it sounds like a generous offer indicating acceptance of you as her new daugher. (PS, I'm confused - it sounds like bread, and I don't know how that could be an heirloom.)

You are a little out of line on the dress. MOB and MOG do not have to dress in sync with the wedding party; you cannot tell them what to wear. It is good that your FI wants to be involved - it's his wedding too. And involvement is not a competition, nor a limited resource. Your mother's involvement does not have to preclude hers.

mcskatcat · November 2011

I think you just need to calm down. Really, most of the things you mentioned are no big deal at all. I would try and include her just so that you can work on this lifelong relationship that you're about to build with this woman. And no, not everyone here has the most wonderful in-laws ever, but you learn to make lemonade out of lemons. You'll get used to working with her, and in the meantime it won't kill you to be a little extra nice.

RaptorSLH · November 2011

[QUOTE]I'm not telling her what to wear by any means, she had questioned what color I preferred and I had said black and she accepted. I'm not telling her what dress to wear or what shoes to wear or how to wear her hair or anything, I just preferred black as we originally discussed.[/QUOTE]<div>Then why are you upset now that she's changed her mind and wants to wear what she wants? You don't get to pick what she wears, and that includes color. </div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]About my FI, I'm not complaining that he is "all of a sudden" wanting to help plan, I just wished he would have had that urge from the very beginning and not put his thoughts in AFTER he already told me what I chose was OK.[/QUOTE]</div><div>So if you're happy, sit down and talk to him about what's important to him, what's important to you, what's been decided that can and can't be changed, and stop complaining about it. Because you are complaining.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] I'm not saying FMIL can't come with us, I was just going to make a few changes, things I had already discussed with everyone, and didn't feel the need that she had to come....It may only take 10 minutes after work [/QUOTE]</div><div>This isn't about practical "need," it's about wanting to be a part of her son's wedding. Yes, just like your mother, she has a child getting married too, and cares about the plans. If including her really doesn't bother you in general, tell her that it'll only be a 10 minute stop, but she's welcome if she wants to come. Then involve her in the next, more substantial task to come along. </div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] I wasn't offended that FMIL wanted me to wear the challe, I didn't want to hurt her daughter's feelings, my MOH, by taking that family jewel away from her as she is my best friend.[/QUOTE]</div><div>Can it be your "something borrowed"? (I still don't know what a challe is.) Your FMIL has apparently decided that you ARE her daughter. Normally, one should be grateful for that, instead of complaining that she accepted you too much. If you decline, decline with grace, not "that's for YOUR daughter."</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]My mother wanted to wear black as she is walking me down the aisle and SHE wanted ME to stand out, she didn't want to take away the attention[/QUOTE]</div><div>This is not helping your anti-bridezilla case. Your mother wearing color would do NOTHING to take attention away from you walking down the aisle in your wedding dress. You could legitimately complain if she wears white, or if she decides to dance you down the aisle doing the can-can. Until then, you should be encouraging her to share your day, not hide from it. Why would you agree to let her?</div><div>
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kmmssg · November 2011

Since you deleted and everyone is giving you the same advice I'm hoping you have figured out how unreasonable you are being and lighten up on the woman. This just wreaks of bridezilla.

Maggie0829 · November 2011

For the love of God please learn how to use the Enter key!!!!!

I stopped reading half-way through and even though you DD (which doesn't even matter because you were already quoted) all I can say is stop being a spoiled little brat/bridezilla! Wow, your FI wants to be involved in the wedding planning? How dare he want a say in HIS wedding...if you didn't want your FI to have an opinion then I guess you should be marrying a cardboard cut out.

As for your FMIL...she just wants to be involved...it isn't like she is trying to take control...she seems like she just wants to enjoy the whole process with you and her son.

Also, you cannot dictate what anyone except the wedding party wears...wedding party= groom, bride, bridesmaid/moh, groomsmen/bm, ring bearer, and flower girl. The parents, grandparents, readers, etc are not part of the wedding party and thus can wear whatever they darn well please.

em01092 · November 2011

Why the DD? Sorry if we didn't tell you what you wanted to hear.

em01092 · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-nerves?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9459ce24-6573-4d13-8932-fa0d29593065Post:87529184-81c8-4f08-b370-8a60de0c30a4">Re:...</a>:
[QUOTE]What did I miss?
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
OP was flipping out because one of the mothers wanted to wear grey, not black, and because her FI was all of a sudden interested in planning his own wedding. MOB is helping pay, so OP was worried about FMIL and the guest list. OP also wanted to make sure her mom got her "special time" as MOB and didn't really see why FMIL needed to be around for appointments since she wasn't paying for anything.

I don't think she liked the reality check we gave her. In all honesty, I didn't know that t he bride didn't get to /help decide/pick the mothers' attire either. A lot of my family/friends are of this opinion, but thanks to TK, I have seen the light.

ZvaraBerkshire · November 2011

Wow, a ton of mixed feelings I have about the knot. First off, as this being my first posting, I wasn't about ready to be pummelled by a bunch of women from different areas. I was only looking for a little help and advice, not to be yelled at, I have my mother for that.

BTW, I deleted the first posting because it was my first time on here and I didn't really know what I was doing, if I had to delete to post again or what the deal was...SORRY, MY BAD!

As far as MOB and MOG attire, every wedding I've stood up in, or been too, which was about 5 close friends this summer in addition to 3 family weddings prior, they all had the say in what the mother's attire consisted of, whether it be color or length or whatever. My mother was told what to wear by my SILs for their weddings as well. Because I thought this was part of the planning and what not, that is why I brought it up....I'm deeply hurt by some of the comments on here as putting me down wasn't necessary and only doing what I thought was 'the norm'.

My mom WANTS to wear black AND she suggested it. So enough about MOB, if that's what she wants. When the MOG and I talked, she also WANTED to wear black and she INSISTED that I go shopping with her and her daughter when the time came. So, with her asking me what color I wanted her in, that gave me the impression it was up to me. Like I said previously, all I had mentioned to her was color.

As far as my FI goes, I never said I DIDN'T want him involved, I was just curious as to what made him change his mind. He could have given two craps about what was going on in the beginning and when I needed his help the most he said, "I don't care." I'm so glad that he wants to be involved, and by all means, he can take over the planning from here on out if he wants because I have felt like he absolutely did not care because that's all he ever said when I asked him.

My FMIL is so very involved as she is planning the RD and helping the BMs with the bridal shower. She went along to the food tasting and had a say in what she liked and we also chose what she liked. We've discussed through and through about details that my FI and I have chosen, and don't see how she can feel out of the loop. I don't know anything more than what I've already told her and as far as my mom goes, she doesn't know more than any of us either. We truly are on the same page, but she still feels she is not.

As far as me ever posting again on here, I guess I'll think twice as I;m better off asking my friends because they will not only tell me how it is and put me in my place, but they will do it respectfully, unlike some of you have shown me.

Thank you those who truly did help me, and give me the advice that I've asked you. I've learned that if I EVER post ANYTHING on here again, to take everything with a grain of salt, because some are clearly only out here to make themselves feel better about themselves.

Thanks and God Bless.

em01092 · November 2011

I'm sorry, but you came off sort of snobby in your OP and I was simply trying to help you realize how silly some of what you were saying sounded. The whole thing about your FMIL and the dress: you said you told her to wear black, not that she wanted to, and that she had the "nerve" to ask you if she could wear grey, because then she'd stand out more than you. That sounds very bridezilla-ish. No one is going to outshine the bride on her wedding day, no matter what color is being worn.

That was the main thing that irked me. I get why you're frustrated about your FI going from not caring to caring all of a sudden, and your concerns about your FMIL/your mom. I think all of the advice I gave was sound and not rude, so I don't know if you meant me or not. Not agreeing with you =/= rude.

Meghannsix · November 2011

I'm still trying to figure out what a challe is. I googled it and still nothing. Maybe a spelling error? I'm curious to know what this is and it's significance, OP, please educate!

ZvaraBerkshire · November 2011

I'm probably spelling it wrong...what it is, is like a wrap for around your shoulders. shawl? I don't know, I'm confusing everyone!

lindseyann410 · November 2011

Yes, it's shawl.

If you didn't care what she wore to begin with, why is it such a big deal that she wants to change to gray? It's not like it's fire engine red (not that that would matter) or even white.

Also, I think it would be a good way to start your relationship with your FMIL if you have her come along. And don't you want your FI's input?

Some advice: Lurk more before posting. You'll get a feel of what of what doesn't fly around here. Learn from it, and move on.

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