Not Engaged Yet

Vent... sorry if it's long

I just needed an outlet to vent anonymously, very frustrated at the moment.

BF hates to be wrong. He will argue his point to the death, even if his point is that the sky is green. That's one of the things I both love and hate about him. I love that he's passionate, but I hate that sometimes he can't see the other side of things.

Today he borrowed my car because his was in the shop. No problem, he dropped his car off at the shop, he hopped in the driver's seat of mine and dropped me off where I needed to go, and life carried on. When I came home he needed to go get his car, so we went out to mine to drive to the shop. We get in, and it won't start. After he searches around trying to figure out why, I ask him if he remembered to turn the lights off. He looks, and sure enough they are on. Then he goes into a rant about "why the hell would you have the lights on in the day? It was beeping at me when I got out, but I ignored it because I didn't think you would have had the lights on during the day. How are you going to fix this?"

...OK, so I can understand the logic about the lights not needing to be on during the day, but that's the way I was taught years ago, so it's a habit. I didn't think to mention it, because it's a habit. But really is it my fault that you ignored the car beeping at you?!

It's just so frustrating sometimes that his first instinct is to be defensive and that he's right.

Does anyone else have a SO like that?
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Re: Vent... sorry if it's long

  • edited December 2011
    No, my BF is nice to me...
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  • Ana_2985Ana_2985 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Umm, to be honest, yes.  I HAD a SO like that.  He ended up being emotionally abusive so we are no longer together.

    I am NOT saying that your BF will be abusive.  I don't know nearly enough about him to make that judgement.  However, that type of behavior would be a deal-breaker for me, knowing what I know now.

    You should talk to him and tell him that it's not okay to get angry and place blame on you for things that are not your fault.  You should also tell him that as an adult he needs to learn how to take responsibility for his actions.
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  • edited December 2011
    I can be like that sometimes, but I've gotten much better over the years.  Your BF needs to learn to be more understanding and more accepting of his own mistakes.  Besides, something like this not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

    Also, totally beside the point, having your lights on in the daytime increases your visibility to other cars. Other drivers are much more likely to see you (and avoid an accident), if your lights are on.  My car automatically has daytime running lights for this reason.
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  • edited December 2011
    I'm totally like that. Often.
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  • edited December 2011
    I don't see how your BF being irritated at you automatically equals him not being nice to you or possibly abusive. That's a little extreme.

    However, I can see how his stubbornness would be annoying and vent-worthy. Deep breaths, girl.
  • katanne9katanne9 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    No, my SO is not like that because it would drive me crazy.
  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-sorry-its-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5dd255c4-774b-4846-9c2f-71b6ed007b46Post:a1c6d59a-afc7-4ec2-8b33-d116e9f3606e">Re: Vent... sorry if it's long</a>:
    [QUOTE]My car automatically has daytime running lights for this reason.
    Posted by noelle24[/QUOTE]
    same

    His rant was irrational, even some states and counties are working on making it the law to keep lights on in the daytime. On busy roads with a lot of stores and businesses, cars can blend into the scenery.

    Does he often blame you for things he does wrong?
    image
  • edited December 2011
    The sky IS green, because if my interpretation of blue is greenish, then it's obviously green TO ME and I'm NOT wrong to say it's green.

    Which is why I love painting. I can paint the sky green. And my teacher comes up to me and says "That's not the right color" and I say "I like it, so it's the right color." And he has learned to walk away.

    I feel kinda bad for him. It's nigh impossible to "teach" me, especially art. I just want to paint. Show me how to hold the brush, tell me about different painting surfaces, warn me about oil taking forever to dry... and then LET ME DO IT MYSELF.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    She's obviously upset about this or else she wouldn't have posted this.  She's saying that he does this often.  To me, it doesn't sound like what he said was said in a loving way. 

    So yes, I think it would automatically translate to her BF not being nice to her.
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  • edited December 2011
    Someone's BF can have a stubborn personality and be irritated at the things you do, sometimes. It doesn't mean he's not nice to her in general. If he wasn't nice to her, why would she be with him for 5+ years? That's a whole 'nother story...
  • edited December 2011
    Sometimes when I rant, it's not really the PERSON I'm ranting at, but just the universe in general. I think the meanness depends on if he really is saying it's all her fault and she needs to fix it, or if she just FEELS like he's blaming her when really he knows he should have listened to the beeping, and his ego got bruised that he should have known better, so he's lashing out at the car.

    I'd personally be lashing at the car. DH sometimes thinks I am lashing at him just because he happens to be there. But if he wasn't in my warpath, he wouldn't get burned. I wouldn't come LOOKING for him to bitch at. I'd just bitch at the sky for being blue.
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  • edited December 2011
    Both BF and I can be stubborn, but we've learned our own ways of keeping things from getting out of hand.  It's one thing for your BF to be frustrated about the car not starting, and being inconvenienced, but it's another if he absolutely won't admit that he probably should have paid a little more attention and checked when the buzzer went off.  Whether you choose to keep your lights on during the day in your own car is your choice - if you did it to his car and it died, I think that would be a bit more justified.  He's in your car, thus should make some accomodations to how you choose to use it.

    It sounds like he doesn't want to be wrong more than just being frustrated.  I have always felt it's important in a relationship to be able to admit when you're wrong, or when you're BOTH wrong.  My mother always told me, "There's two sides to every story, and somewhere in the middle lies the truth."  When I first started dating BF, he'd get defensive every time I brought something up because his ex always wanted to prove he was wrong.  Once he realized I wasn't out to make him the bad guy, and acknowledged when I made my own mistakes, he stopped getting so defensive right away.  If someone's always defensive, it makes it hard to communicate about any small issues or concerns that come up.

    Good luck!
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  • Ana_2985Ana_2985 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-sorry-its-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5dd255c4-774b-4846-9c2f-71b6ed007b46Post:d0cfebeb-99f3-4664-9787-d85a185db2c3">Re: Vent... sorry if it's long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't see how your BF being irritated at you automatically equals him not being nice to you or possibly abusive. That's a little extreme. However, I can see how his stubbornness would be annoying and vent-worthy. Deep breaths, girl.
    Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]

    Who said his behavior "automatically equals" him being abusive.  Because I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who mentioned abuse and I made sure to specify that I was NOT saying her BF was abusive.

    The OP asked if WE had SO likes this so I shared the story of when I DID have a SO like hers.  Just because anger/tempers/over-reactions are a deal-breaker for me doesn't mean I think they should be for everyone.  Which is why I said "For me".
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  • Ana_2985Ana_2985 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-sorry-its-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5dd255c4-774b-4846-9c2f-71b6ed007b46Post:44162dbc-e1c0-41f4-8180-e75f42ea9bb6">Re: Vent... sorry if it's long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Someone's BF can have a stubborn personality and be irritated at the things you do, sometimes. It doesn't mean he's not nice to her in general. <strong>If he wasn't nice to her, why would she be with him for 5+ years?</strong> That's a whole 'nother story...
    Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]

    That's a poor argument.

    I was with previously mentioned abusive BF for 3.5 years.  He was abusive for every minute of that.  I am no longer ashamed of letting that happen to me, just proud that I got out of it. 

    *This post has nothing to do with OP.  Sorry.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-sorry-its-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5dd255c4-774b-4846-9c2f-71b6ed007b46Post:393937c4-0344-4a53-b141-c6f4a3a0da81">Re: Vent... sorry if it's long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sometimes when I rant, it's not really the PERSON I'm ranting at, but just the universe in general. I think the meanness depends on if he really is saying it's all her fault and she needs to fix it, or if she just FEELS like he's blaming her when really he knows he should have listened to the beeping, and his ego got bruised that he should have known better, so he's lashing out at the car. <strong>I'd personally be lashing at the car. </strong>DH sometimes thinks I am lashing at him just because he happens to be there. But if he wasn't in my warpath, he wouldn't get burned. I wouldn't come LOOKING for him to bitch at. I'd just bitch at the sky for being blue.
    Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

    This. I'm not saying he's a big meanie pants for getting upset. I'd get upset too.  It was the part where he was saying "What are <em>you </em>going to do to fix it?" that caused me to get the "oh he isn't a friendly fredrick" vibe.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-sorry-its-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5dd255c4-774b-4846-9c2f-71b6ed007b46Post:71c593a8-280b-4db6-aab1-d86121db94a6">Re: Vent... sorry if it's long</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent... sorry if it's long : It was the part where he was saying "What are you going to do to fix it?" that caused me to get the "oh he isn't a friendly fredrick" vibe.
    Posted by Narwhal[/QUOTE]

    I'm not trying to belittle the OP, but from my experience (being the one who does the ranting and raving), it's possible that was her interpretation and not his words. Of course, there have been times I was so angry/upset about something that I just had to walk away and told DH "do something about it before my head explodes."

    There have been other times where I didn't say anything directed at DH, but the fact that I was ranting and upset made him feel like it was his fault (he has a guilty conscience or something, he thinks everything is his fault).
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  • edited December 2011
    I'm just saying that it seemed, to me, that this was taken out of context. The OP was asking if we had SOs that were stubborn like this and (I thought) was using the car thing as an example. It's obviously not right if OP's BF was lashing at her for something that was his fault, but as Jeana said, a lot of people just tend to direct their anger towards whoever is with them at the moment.

    But to answer your question, OP, my SO is not like that. In fact, I'm more like that. He's more roll-with-the-punches. I've hardly ever seen him get upset in a serious manner, and if he does, he usually calms down within minutes.
  • SopChickSopChick member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Didn't post and run, I had some errands I needed to do, sorry ladies! Thanks for the replies. :)

    Slight update: he has since said sorry for lashing out at me about it. (doesn't excuse it, but I'll get to that) He said he was not angry with me, but that he felt frustrated that he couldn't go pick up his car, and upset that the battery died so quickly. The lights were only on for a few hours, and the battery was replaced a few weeks ago.

    That being said, I'm still upset that he seemed mad at me.

    Jeana - He did blame me at first, because when I asked him why I needed to fix it, he said that if I had told him the lights were on, it wouldn't have been an issue. I'm glad you did bring that up though, because like your DH, I sometimes do take things too personally and think I'm being blamed when I'm not.

    Ana - Don't worry about being off. It's very true that people stay in relationships that aren't good for them for much longer than 5 years! I'm sorry that you had someone in the past that treated you poorly, but glad that you had the strength to get out! :)


    To clarify - he doesn't often blame me when it's my fault, but more like Jeana said she does with her DH. He'll rant about something (even work) and I'll feel like it's my fault or that I should be trying to fix it. Which really is my own issue, because I'm a "fixer" who hates any kind of conflict. The issue with arguing his point happens more when he's with the guys. I'm just an observer with that, but sometimes it bugs me anyway - again, the conflict avoidance.
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  • leia1979leia1979 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I get pissed at stupid stuff all the time. Like last night when I learned that my Mac Mini can't handle 1080i video even though it's just over two years old. I vented to BF about the computer, but I don't expect him to fix it. He was very nice by saying that while the computer can't do that one thing, it still gets used for plenty of other things.

    I've got no problem with people getting annoyed at stupid stuff, it happens all the time. I am concerned about the "how are you going to fix this?" part because it's not your problem. Though seriously, who doesn't stop to figure what that annoying dinging is? If I did that, I'd just be mad at myself for being an idiot--I wouldn't be mad at my SO or expect him to fix anything.

    I'd call myself an idiot and call AAA to jump start the car. Problem solved.
  • SopChickSopChick member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Thank you all again for replying. I appreciate all of the different input on this to give me some things to think about.

    We had a talk about what's going on, because IMO it's not acceptable to blame me for that. He apologized again, and told me that just prior to me coming home (and the whole car thing), he got some news that started stress about work/finances (he's a contract worker) which doesn't excuse it, but that it was just one more thing he didn't want to deal with. I'm only speculating, but I think he probably was also pissed/embarrassed that he hadn't stopped to figure out what the dinging was.

    Just on the "meanie" subject, he's actually very sweet and supportive of me, he just has a tendency to feel stressed easily, and he doesn't seem to have the best methods of helping himself deal with it. I can see now though that I have calmed down how the original vent would come across differently.

    Thanks again for helping out this newb!


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  • edited December 2011
    I think your dude needs to work on thinking before he blurts out things when he's angry (guilty as charged myself). But in general, you need to learn to let some things just roll off your back. If he's anything like me, there will be times when he gets upset... ESPECIALLY when embarrassed. Dang, that's the WORST. Embarrassment will seriously make me say crazy things.

    He shouldn't blame you, and you shouldn't assume blame when he's just angry at something else. You can't fix everything. And I bet he knows that. He probably doesn't EXPECT you to make things perfect, and he probably doesn't always realize that you're internalizing HIS conflict.

    Most of the time, like I said, I have no intention of making DH feel bad for something I'm upset about. I'm just expressing strong emotion. I would do the same if it was just me and the inanimate objects.

    If it's an ongoing thing, have a sit-down talk (or ten) about his inflated ego and how it makes you feel. DH and I have to have this talk every now and then to refresh our commitment to cohabitating as polar opposites. It can work, but it takes effort and calm, non-confrontational communication.

    Ironically, DH is the one to get defensive when we talk about my mood swings. He thinks if he was doing something differently, I wouldn't ever get angry at anything.

    We have to reaffirm that I am a firecracker and he is as cool as a tray of ice cubes, and that's okay.

    (DH just said if I'm a firecracker, then he's the kid that gets his eyebrows burned off from playing with a firecracker... that's kinda appropriate)
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  • SopChickSopChick member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Thanks Jeana, it's nice to have a perspective close to his side of things. I also definitely need to learn how not to take everything so personally. In other aspects of my life as well.

    We're all working on our own stuff - it just makes it a little tougher when his stuff tests my stuff! Tongue out
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  • hetshuphetshup member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sop- You might want to get your alternator checked if your battery died that fast. 

    And no FI isn't like that, I might have that tendency though. 
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  • SopChickSopChick member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Unfortunately we got the new battery after replacing the alternator... Not a cheap job, which I'm sure contributed to the frustration! Thanks for the tip though, I'm so not car savvy!
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