This is not the typical "chit chat", yet I've seen some conversations along these lines, so I hoped I could talk to you ladies. I'm hoping someone may be able to connect on some level or offer a bit of advice. It's very difficult to portray my relationship through a few words on a computer ... but I'll try my best.
My boyfriend has not formally proposed yet, but we picked out the ring and although he's trying to keep it a surprise, I know he asked for my father's blessing yesterday! We've been together almost 5 years now.. and I am the happiest I've ever been in my life! Not just because we're about to be married ... but because of where we are in our lives. The love we have for each other, the true happiness that cannot be put into words. I look at him and just smile. I'm pretty sure you all know what I mean!
Feeling so happy with what I have in my life and where we are brings me to also feel so sad. I'm upset with myself because of the biggest mistake I made in our first months together. We met in college just before he graduated... I was 21 and he was 22. We knew each other for 1 month before he and his best friend signed on to travel for work on the other end of the country for 11 months. No time off for more than a day or two here and there. I still had 1 more year to graduate. We made the decision to stay together because we were in love. We knew it was crazy to have met so soon before he'd leave, but knew we met for a reason. The distance wasn't too bad at first, but I only visited every 2-3 months. After a few months the arguing and tension took a huge toll on us. He would say hurtful things he didn't mean ... I was so hurt. I wasn't happy about him always going out, yet he wanted to experience the new areas of travel. Our lack of communication and connection led me to turn to someone else. That is no excuse and I take responsibility for my actions. No one forces anyone to do anything... but I wasn't thinking... and if I was, I was being selfish and only thinking about my happiness at that time. I was open and completely honest with him about everything that went on, nothing physical, but did spend time with a person and I should never have put myself in that position. We both made the decision to move forward and he forgave me. When his travels were over, I graduated, and it was finally then that it felt like our relationship truly began. Our first year together was apart. We were finally together... and got to know one another and our families, which sounds so odd, but it's true. We learned what went wrong and how to deal with conflicts much better... respectfully. Our very rocky past allowed us to grow much stronger and learn. He never holds anything against me, the problems have stayed in the past, and the trust has never been an issue for either of us.
Four years have gone by since this all happened, yet with a proposal coming soon, I all of a sudden feel this huge rush of guilt. I feel like I don't deserve him, I know I don't. I feel like what I did is not supposed to happen with the person you spend the rest of your life with... but it did. The truth is, our relationship took a 360 degree turn after we overcame those obstacles, and had he not given me a second chance, I wouldn't have the love of my life right now. I just wish it didn't have to happen that way. What I would give to turn back time. I expressed to him a few days ago how I felt. I cried to him and told him how horrible I feel for doing what I did and that we went through such a horrible first year to be where we are today. Proving what a wonderful man he is, he comforted me. He said it no longer bothers him and understands why things happened the way they did... we were both guilty of doing or saying things we shouldn't have. I of course told him that I made my own decisions and he agreed. When I told him how horrible of a person I am, he jokingly said that I am "such a horrible caring person" in an attempt to make me smile or make light of the situation. He has assured me that nothing similar happened on his end, and I have no doubt. This is what also makes me feel horrible... that it would be me to make such a horrible decision. It makes my heart ache that he has forgiven me and gives me unconditional love, yet I cannot forgive myself. I may be being dramatic or focusing way too much on this ... but it's just what I began to think about. I have learned so much about myself and I would die before I ever hurt him again.
I am going to the spend the rest of my life with him. There is no doubt in my mind about that. I'm just trying to find a way to make peace with the mistakes I made and and somehow forgive myself for what I did.
Thank you
I will probably be deleting this soon because of how sensitive this is to me.