Pre-wedding Parties

Briday party guests.

I am having a small-ish wedding (around 70-80)... my reception is going to be about 100. This is only because we wanted a small wedidng, but of course our parents wanted their friends to be there to party with. So I already feel as if I am inviting people I don't really want there... but I'm ok with it. I started my new job a couple months after I got married, and it took me a couple more months to get close to anyone. I invited my best friend from work and that's it. However, all my other coworkers have made comments about not being able to wait to see me in my dress, etc. I have explained that I'm having a small wedding and they're not going to be able to come. They understand. However, they've asked me where I'm registered and such. I have expressed that they need not buy me gifts and it has been left at that.
Now, comes my question. I'm planning my bridal shower in the next few months and was wondering if it was ok to still invite work friends who aren't invited to the wedding. I wouls stress that they don't have to bring gifts... but I want them to be included in my wedding somehow, but I just can't afford to have them at my wedding. Is this wrong to invite them to the shower and not to the wedding even though they know in advance that they aren't invited and they don't have to get a gift? Please help!
Thanks!

Re: Briday party guests.

  • Clare13Clare13 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    1st you shouldn't be planning a shower for yourself.  If  someone offers to throw you one then you can graciously accept the shower.    If no one plans one, you don't get one.

    2nd A shower is for the close women (individuals) who are invited to the wedding to "shower" the bride with presents.  So no it would not be acceptable to invite them.  1. They are not guests of the wedding.  2. A shower is to give gifts to the bride.  You can't invite them to a shower and tell them not to bring presents.  
     
    You can always have a party and have your work friends over.  Just don't mention anything about the wedding.  If they are not invited to the wedding they do not go to any pre-parties.  Sorry, I know this is not what you want to hear.   If you want to celebrate the wedding with them expand your guest list and invite them to the wedding and any pre-parties. 
  • banana468banana468 member
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    edited December 2011
    Clare is correct.  You shouldn't be planning a shower at all.

    And it's never OK to invite people to a shower who aren't invited to a wedding when that shower is for your social circle (friends and family).
  • edited December 2011
    What Banana said. You don't host your own shower, it is tacky. A shower is to "shower" the bride with gifts.

    Also, no wedding invite = no shower invite.
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  • edited December 2011
    Well, I'm guessing you got the idea that you should not be planning your shower. That being said, I'm going to make the assumption that what you mean is someone is planning a shower for you in the next few months. 

    If this is the case, and you have been asked to provide a guest list, you still can't invite people who are not invited to the wedding, no matter what.

    There is, I have been told, one exception to this, which is in the case of a work-only shower. I can not stress enough that you still do not plan this for yourself, but if one of your co-workers (you said you were close with one) feels so inclined, they may throw you a shower that is only for your co-workers. You can't ask for it though, but be prepared that it may happen. If one of them does this though, you do not need to feel pressured to invite them to the wedding.
  • edited December 2011
    I never said anything about planning my own shower. My maid of honor is throwing it for me, and I obviously have to provide a guest list. When I said "i'm planning..." just meant that we're planning on having it in the next few months. I don't see anything wrong with helping my MOH out once she said she was throwing one.
    Shower/Party... what's the difference? If I have people over, and we play games and hang out and eat... why can't people come that aren't invited to the wedding? People have baby showers and the people that come to them aren't invited to the birth. Haha. I'm not arguing with anyone, I'm just confused as to why you can't be friends with people and hang out even if you don't invite them to the wedding.
    I have asked around work, and asked my best friend here. Everyone said that they had people at their shower that didn't come to the wedding... and that they wouldn't care. They want to be involved but either can't make the drive to my wedding, or know that I already had the guest list made before I started working here. Sometimes I feel like everyone says "it's your wedding... but you have to follow all these rules" Just seems silly to me.
    A shower may be intended to "shower" me with gifts.. but I'm really not that type of girl. I don't need gifts... even from the people who are coming to the wedding. I just want the people I love to be around me and celebrate with me during this time.
    Does everyone still disagree with me?
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Yes, I do still disagree with you although I understand your point.

    You're saying to people, "You're not going to celebrate WITH me on the big day - because I'm not inviting you.  You didn't make the cut for the guest list.  BUT...you'll be invited to the event that is ALL ABOUT the wedding - the one you're not invited to - and the point of that event is to give me presents in honor of the event...you know, the one you're not invited to."

    And even if it's just a pre-wedding party, it's saying, "You didn't make the cut for our guest list but you get to celebrate me (or you get to celebrate the bride) anyway by doing other stuff for her!!"

    Some people don't care - but some will be very hurt by this practice because it's essentially rubbing their nose in the fact that they're not invited to the wedding.

    It's one thing if that person says, "I totally understand that I'm not invited but I'd love to attend a shower."  It's completely different to do that to a random unsuspecting person.
  • SarahPLizSarahPLiz member
    10000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    What is a Briday Party? Is that like a birthday party for the bride? I don't get it.

    Oh, and listen to Banana. Your co-workers can throw you a shower if they want to, as work showers are the only acceptable deviation from the shower invite= wedding invite rule. However, you may not invite them to a shower with people that will be invited to the wedding. THat's just rude, as it gives them the impression that they will be invited.

    YOu can certainly have a party and not call it a shower, but the fact that its celebrating your wedding makes it rude to invite those not invited to the wedding.
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  • edited December 2011
    A "briday" party is a typo. We all make them.

    I don't intend to give people the wrong impression... because they can't get the impression that they're invited if they know they're not. I don't feel as if they will feel like "they didn't make the cut..." I was engaged months before I started this job. I had the save the dates out the 1st week of this job... and it obviousy took me time to get close to people. I would hope they don't expect me to change my entire guest list, and cut people that already got a STD just to invite them. There are a lot of changes going on at work, and our department may be split up in June. My wedding isn't until October, so they have already said an "at work" shower may not be possible even though they would love to.

    I guess it is all my decision, and the decision of the people invited. They don't have to come and I'm not going to be offended if they chose not to... just as I hope they're not offended by the fact that I had my guest list done and am only have friends and family because thats all I can afford... before I met any of them.

    Thanks for all the input... especially to those of you who weren't rude about it. I appreciate your opinions! :)
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Actually, you're rather incorrect on two statements:

    [QUOTE]because they can't get the impression that they're invited if they know they're not. I don't feel as if they will feel like "they didn't make the cut..."[/QUOTE]

    It doesn't matter if YOU don't feel that they'll feel like they didn't make the cut.  They MAY feel like they didn't make the cut because unfortunately - they didn't.  They won't be invited.  It's not fair for you to say they'll feel fine about it.  

    [QUOTE]I guess it is all my decision, and the decision of the people invited.[/QUOTE]

    It's actually not your decision.  It's the decision of the host(ess).

    Remember, showers are a huge gift - they're not an entitlement.  I didn't have an office shower and I didn't invite people from the office but some gave gifts anyway. 

    You catch more flies with honey.
  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    If the people at the office want to throw you a shower, that's their prerogative and fine.  But it's really really bad form to invite them to a shower if they're not invited to the party.  It will come across as gift-grabby and they will talk about it (and you) behind your back.  At my last job that happened and trust me, no one might have said so to the bride's face, but people were not impressed.
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  • edited December 2011
    It is my decision. The host has asked for a guest list. She lives 2 hours away, and knows my family and our mutual friends. However, our seperate friends she has asked for. So therefore, I would have to give her the addresses. I am not entitled to a shower. I have a great MOH and great bridesmaids that have been planning everything and have only asked for my guest list. I'm assuming this is because they want me to have the people I want there... and not who they have decided. Strange concept I know, but I'm ok with it. lol

    I'm not trying to get gifts. I wish you would all understand that. As Ive said before, the guest list was done before I even started this job. They didn't make the cut... because I didn't know them. Had I been psychic, I wouldn't be here asking these questions.

    Im not saying they feel fine about it. They have expressed this to me. Honestly, most of them have said that they were relieved because my wedding is so far away from my place of work. During a meeting it came up and they said "we want to be a part of it in anyway we can because we're happy for you... but I think we're all pretty glad that we don't have to drive that far to hang out with people we don't know!" Everyone agreed. I guess I should have said every little detail, but didn't feel it necessary... and it probably wouldn't have helped anyway! You guys seem pretty stuck to your guns, and thank you for your opinions. I will take them into account. I only ask that when someone else is new to the boards and asks a question... you only give your opinion and not be rude. Some people may be turned away, and this is a great place for brides- to- be that need advice to get it in a nice way.
  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Not telling you what you want to hear ≠ rudeness.

    Everyone's just trying to stop you from doing something that may come back to haunt you.  Yes it's "your" decision, but that doesn't mean people will respect you for it.  Just because it's "your" day and "your" party does not mean you get to do whatever you want.  

    People always act more interested about weddings than they actually are, especially coworkers.  I remember I once sat through a half-hour monologue about flowers by a bride I was working with, I wasn't invited to her wedding, I didn't care about her flowers, I asked her about her wedding to be polite, and I wouldn't have expected a shower invitation after that.  And if I had been invited to her non-work shower, I would have been pretty insulted.  Don't overestimate how much your wedding means to other people.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE] I only ask that when someone else is new to the boards and asks a question... you only give your opinion and not be rude. Some people may be turned away, and this is a great place for brides- to- be that need advice to get it in a nice way.[/QUOTE]

    FWIW,  I was never rude.

    I'll state when a PRACTICE is rude but that doesn't mean that you or I are acting rudely.

    If people are saying, "I'd love to attend a shower even though I'm not invited," it's one thing.

    But showers ARE gift giving parties even if you personally don't see them that way.  That's the issue with etiquette and this social convention.  How you see things is part of it but it's also how it can appear to others and that is paramount. 
  • edited December 2011
    I don't think you guys are rude for stating your opinions... thats why I came here. I just think calling out typos and calling someone "gift-grabby" is a little rude. Also assuming that someone is planning their own shower and calling them "tacky" without knowing for sure if you were correct in your assumption. I'm sorry if I misunderstood things... it just seemed to come across that way.
  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    No one called you these things.  People just pointed out that this is how you may come across to the people at the party.  Which should matter to you.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE] Also assuming that someone is planning their own shower and calling them "tacky" without knowing for sure if you were correct in your assumption. [/QUOTE]

    OK, I think EVERYONE will think that you were planning your bridal shower because you actually said you were.  It's right here:

    [QUOTE]Now, comes my question. I'm planning my bridal shower in the next few months and was wondering if it was ok to still invite work friends who aren't invited to the wedding.[/QUOTE]

    I agree with you that people shouldn't assume things - but with that means clarifying your statements so that people will be sure to understand what's happening.  Based on that statement, one can ONLY conclude that you were indeed planning your own shower.
  • SarahPLizSarahPLiz member
    10000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_briday-party-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:4438313b-ff3b-401e-a007-161e6d129733Post:30dd704f-2571-492b-bdb8-4d42d45cbdf7">Re: Briday party guests.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think you guys are rude for stating your opinions... thats why I came here. I just think calling out typos and calling someone "gift-grabby" is a little rude. Also assuming that someone is planning their own shower and calling them "tacky" without knowing for sure if you were correct in your assumption. I'm sorry if I misunderstood things... it just seemed to come across that way.
    Posted by KaserLeigh[/QUOTE]

    FWIW, I didn't know it was a typo. I wasn't trying to be snarky, just trying to clarify.

    As I said before, if the people from work want to throw you a shower, then that's their perrogative. Work showers are generally an exception to the rule. However, inviting them to another shower with the invited wedding guests is not acceptable in polite society.
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_briday-party-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:4438313b-ff3b-401e-a007-161e6d129733Post:8923de33-b27a-4650-a3f4-e9749ca64bb3">Briday party guests.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am having a small-ish wedding (around 70-80)... my reception is going to be about 100. This is only because we wanted a small wedidng, but of course our parents wanted their friends to be there to party with. So I already feel as if I am inviting people I don't really want there... but I'm ok with it. I started my new job a couple months after I got married, and it took me a couple more months to get close to anyone. I invited my best friend from work and that's it. However, all my other coworkers have made comments about not being able to wait to see me in my dress, etc. I have explained that I'm having a small wedding and they're not going to be able to come. They understand. However, they've asked me where I'm registered and such. I have expressed that they need not buy me gifts and it has been left at that. Now, comes my question. I'm planning my bridal shower in the next few months and was wondering if it was ok to still invite work friends who aren't invited to the wedding. I wouls stress that they don't have to bring gifts... but I want them to be included in my wedding somehow, but I just can't afford to have them at my wedding. Is this wrong to invite them to the shower and not to the wedding even though they know in advance that they aren't invited and they don't have to get a gift? Please help! Thanks!
    Posted by KaserLeigh[/QUOTE]


    Well of course we thought you were planning your own shower.  Because you said so: <u><em><strong> I'm planning my bridal shower in the next few months and was wondering if it was ok to still invite work friends who aren't invited to the wedding.
    </strong></em></u>Please don't get angry with people who respond to exactly what you wrote.


    And again, you wrote: <u><em><strong> Is this wrong to invite them to the shower and not to the wedding even though they know in advance that they aren't invited and they don't have to get a gift?</strong></em></u>

    Did you not want answers to that question?  Because you were given answers.  Good answers.  Not the answers you wanted to hear, but correct by etiquette standards.

    The thing here is that you put a question out.  You got advice as you asked.  But it appears from all of your follow-up posts that you didn't really want advice.  You wanted validation that what you were planning would be fine.  It's not.

    Your co-workers can have a shower for you if they're so inclined.  It happens ALL the time.  My DD's colleagues threw her a shower, even though they knew they weren't invited to the wedding.

    Here's the difference.  THEY planned and threw the shower.  We did not invite them to the shower at our home, because they weren't on the wedding guest list.

    If your co-workers want to be a part of a shower, they can plan one.  But your WP, your family, YOU, can't invite them to a wedding shower.  Do you see the difference?

    And finally, we'll tell you honestly what others are probably thinking, but won't say out loud.  They know you.  They love you.  They don't want to hurt your feelings.  We don't have that investment to worry about, so we can be far more truthful for you.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • michaela48michaela48 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    OP why ask a question if you don't actually care about anyone's answers? Everyone gave you could advice.

    "I am having a small-ish wedding (around 70-80)... my reception is going to be about 100"

    BTW you should not be inviting people to just the reception. You need to invite all of your guests to both the ceremony and reception. When people are invited to a wedding they expect to actually see a wedding.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_briday-party-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:4438313b-ff3b-401e-a007-161e6d129733Post:524776a1-54d6-43b2-9a7d-87ccc4971d29">Re: Briday party guests.</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP why ask a question if you don't actually care about anyone's answers? Everyone gave you could advice. "I am having a small-ish wedding (around 70-80)... my reception is going to be about 100" BTW you should not be inviting people to just the reception. You need to invite all of your guests to both the ceremony and reception. When people are invited to a wedding they expect to actually see a wedding.
    Posted by michaela48[/QUOTE]

    I have a huge family... and that is all that's invited to the wedding. That and my lifelong friends. My parents are paying for the reception and wanted some of their friends there to celebrate. Therefore, they're only coming to the reception. I have been invited to many receptions and not the wedding because the couple was having a small intimate wedding. While mine not seem very small... it is only family. I did come here asking for advice, and I got it. I said in my previous posts that I didn't mind the opinions... it was the other things in my last posts that I thought were rude. I also apologized in advance if I took them the wrong way... and according to everyone, I did. So no hard feelings. However, I didn't ask for advice on this. The shower may be someone else's to throw... but this is MY wedding... and I just want the people I'm closest to there... if my parents want to invite their friends to the reception they're paying for... that's fine. I know that I'm not the only one that has done this. People don't expect to see a wedding of someone they hardly know... and most would be uncomfortable doing so... but everyone likes a party!
  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I don't think OP has done anything wrong with regard to that.  You really run into trouble if you invite people to the ceremony but not reception, or for "dancing only" at the reception.  
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  • edited December 2011
    Dancing only? As in they don't eat? Ive never heard of such a thing! They're obviously going to eat. They're there to party... if you know my parents friends.. .that's all they want to do anyway. Trust me. I didn't ask for advice on this one... only my family and close friends are coming to the ceremony, and about 20some of my parents friends are only coming to the ceremony. They're ok with it, I'm ok with it... I could send them an invite, but I know they wouldn't come (cause they know it's only family) so I'm saving myself the money, time, and paper. :) Thank you for your opinion though, but I won't change my mind on this one. I just don't want a bunch of people that don't care much about wedding to ruin the intimacy that I want at the ceremony... but they sure are fun to party with so it'll be ok! :)
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