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Second Weddings

Vent/Rant/Advice - Engagement Party

My FH and I got engaged in January and our wedding is planned for next March.  He is from New Jersey but moved up here in October 2010 and we since bought a house.  His parents want to throw us an engagement party though they have not really come out and asked and/or told us this. I heard it through my future sister in-law and they have told my FH.  My future FIL asked my FH if my parents would pay for half of the party. We are footing the bulk of the wedding as this is my second and my parents paid for my first. My parents are contributing about $5k and my mom wants to buy my dress. 

All of that being said, I really don't want an engagement party.  I honestly did not want a big wedding and would have been extremely happy and content going to city hall to be married or eloping. But my FH wants his family there and I cannot blame him for that or take that away from him.  Anyway, I don't feel right registering or having a shower, forget an engagement party due to the fact that this is my second wedding.  From what my future sister in-law told me (who happens to have turned out to be one of my closest friends - she is married to my FH's bro), there was discussion between my FMIL, sisters and aunts on Saturday while they were all gathered for a birthday discussing it. I guess the bottom line is that if they want to throw one, I can't really say no (right?) but my parents will not be contributing to it. 

Anyway, I just needed to vent to people who get this whole thing.  I don't want to seem ungrateful and I'm not sure how to handle this especially since his parents never came out and said "we want to do this."  Thanks.

Re: Vent/Rant/Advice - Engagement Party

  • What does your Fi want?  Would he like an engagement party? Is your objection because you have been married before?  Or are you someone who is not comfortable in the spotlight? Has he been married before? 

    Reasonable to not have your parents involved.  What about a compromise, and let his parents throw the party (and pay for it) and just invite their family & friends? 

    By not registering, you will not stop people from giving you gifts, you just make it more difficult for them to choose something that you will use & like. ~Donna
  • Thanks Donna.

    My FH has not been married hence the reason why we are having a larger wedding.  My reservations to the party are partly due to the spotlight as well as partly because I have been married before. My FH is indifferent about the party.

    Good idea about just inviting their friends and family if they pay.

    I know what you mean about registering.  I just don't feel like there is anything we need.  I have to really think that one over.

    Thanks again for your response, I appreciate it.  I know there shouldn't be any rules with a second wedding and I keep rereading the "It's normal" post over and over.  I just worry too much about what other people think.
  • edited March 2012
    Just think about what the two of you want for your coupled life.  How about new bedding for your bed?  New dishes for dinner every night? 

    Or more like: gear for a hobby - camping, hiking, biking.  Or add to your distraction library: books, music, theatre tickets, museum membership.  Or date night items: restaurant g.c., movie passes, couples massage, B & B g.c.

    If you are taking a honeymoon, is there something associated with that you could register for: snorkeling lessons, parasailing time, ski lift tickets? 

    IF you put your mind to it (and stop with the "I don't deserve anything" mindset) you will come up with something.  ~Donna
  • I agree that if his parents want to throw the party, the expense should be on them and not more expense to your parents.

    As far as registering goes, we aren't registering at all because there isn't really anything we need and we're honestly hoping that people will just send cards with money or gift cards, but we're not asking for anything, just going to be thankful for anything we receive.
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  • I would register - up grade the things that are wearing out, or pick out new bedding or bath linens.  We registered.

    As for the party if his parents want to throw a party, that is very nice of them but they shouldn't expect that your parents should pay for a portion of it. 
  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited March 2012
    On this board we recommend registering, even if you don't want or need anything.  It's OK, by registering you're not ASKING for gifts, you're just giving anyone who would like to buy something some guidance. 
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  • Thanks ladies.  I always like coming here because you all get it. :)
  • pearls687pearls687 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2012

    OP, I felt the EXACT same way when FI and I got engaged in December 2010.  I really wanted an intimate DW but FI wanted to have a big deal.  We compromised and ended up planning a morning wedding and brunch reception for about 100 guests for May of this year.  

    I did, in fact, decline an engagement party.  I also did not want a shower but FI's sister put together a couples shower without asking me so I'm being gracious and grateful.  We plan to register for all of the reasons mentioned in this thread and on this board, even though I don't really want to do that either.

    I feel somewhat guilty for having my family and friends go all out but everyone seems happy to attend both the shower and the wedding, despite having done the same on my behalf in 1992. 

    As the time draws closer, I'm giving myself permission to relax and be excited.  I know it will be a great day!

    So I guess I don't have any real advice but just wanted to say I totally understand, as do many others on this board, I'm sure.

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  • Keep in mind that if you don't register you will receive lots of vases and frames. People who want to give gifts will and it's always better to receive something you can use. Maybe you can register at Home Depot for things for your house?
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