MoH duties being done by maid

berthasister · June 2011

So my best friend in the whole world, since high school, is my maid of honor. Though I haven't officially asked her yet, it just goes without saying. I am having two other attendant in addition to her, one of whom is my roommate who will be out of the country (she's Japanese) for most of the wedding planning. But the other attendant is my best friend here in the area (my MoH is in a different state) and she is the one who is doing everything a MoH should. Not to mention her brother just got married and she was an attendant for her sister-in-law and so she has experience. However, I feel like it's just not right for someone to get the MoH title/honor without actually doing anything. And granted, she lives elsewhere so it's impossible for her to do some things, but thus far she's not even making an effort. Whereas my best friend here is the one taking the initiative with the others, and doing everything that the MoH should do without getting any of the credit for it. Basically, i hate this. I know i could have two MoHs but then it's like my other attendant is awkwardly left out. But it's not my childhood best friend's fault that she is in a different state than me. I need some help and input please! I don't want to hurt feelings, and I just want to do the right thing!

ckollstedt · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-duties-being-done-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:671fa459-a21d-4caa-9527-8a2dcee8d3a6Post:b6c48812-b86f-4327-914a-1b1d4d141055">MoH duties being done by maid</a>:
[QUOTE]So my best friend in the whole world, since high school, is my maid of honor. Though I haven't officially asked her yet, it just goes without saying. I am having two other attendant in addition to her, one of whom is my roommate who will be out of the country (she's Japanese) for most of the wedding planning. But the other attendant is my best friend here in the area (my MoH is in a different state) and she is the one who is doing everything a MoH should. Not to mention her brother just got married and she was an attendant for her sister-in-law and so she has experience. <strong>However, I feel like it's just not right for someone to get the MoH title/honor without actually doing anything</strong>. And granted, she lives elsewhere so it's impossible for her to do some things, but thus far she's not even making an effort. Whereas my best friend here is the one taking the initiative with the others, and doing everything that the MoH should do without getting any of the credit for it. Basically, i hate this. I know i could have two MoHs but then it's like my other attendant is awkwardly left out. But it's not my childhood best friend's fault that she is in a different state than me. I need some help and input please! I don't want to hurt feelings, and I just want to do the right thing!
Posted by berthasister[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Being a MOH is not an award that goes to whoever does the most for your wedding. It sounds like your bridesmaid is going above and beyond to help you, and that's fantastic. Get her an extra little gift or take her out to dinner to thank you for going the extra mile for you. </div><div>
</div><div>Don't demote the MOH. She is out of town, and she probably isn't as wedding-crazy as you are. Being a MOH or bridesmaid doesn't require that the girl plan you parties, help you make invites or favors, or decorate. Your best friend is your MOH for the right reason-- that she is you best friend.

</div><div>Good luck!</div>

MairePoppy · June 2011

1. There are no official MOH duties other than buying the dress, showing up sober and on time for the wedding, perhaps holding the rings or the bride's flowers and signing the marriage certificate. Anything else, such as helping with the planning and throwing showers is extra.

2. She isn't your MOH until you 'officially' ask her and she accepts. It would be presumptuous of her to assume that role before you ask her.

3. MOH isn't a title you bestow upon your best helper. That title is meant for your closest friend or family member.

4. It might be a good idea to check out the wedding party board. There are many posts about this subject and helpful advice.

5. Congratulations on your engagement. Good luck.

shelby_louis_2011 · June 2011

My maid of honor is my best friend and she has not been able to do much toward the planning (she lives about 6 hours away and is pregnant with her second child so she's a bit preoccupied) even though she really wants to. It isn't their contribution that is the most important, especially if they CAN'T like in both of our situations, it's your relationship with that person. Maybe take the one who has been helping you out a lot out for a special dinner or something as a thank you, but don't demote your moh. I am glad you realized, though, that the third bridesmaid would feel awkward if the other two were moh's and she was the only "normal" bridesmaid. I'm glad you took her feelings into consideration :] Congratulations on the engagement and I hope that we have helped you out a bit with this!

bstent · June 2011

I'll speak from the point of view of the bridesmaid taking on extra tasks! I was that bridesmaid in a wedding where the maid of honour lived out of town (too far to make quick weekend trips) and the other bridesmaids were busy or just not really into doing the "extras". The bride is one of my best friends, and I wanted her to be happy, so I was very involved in helping to plan parties, showed up at all the events, went with her to dress fittings to learn to tie her bustle (spelling?) on her dress, showed up to help decorate, etc. etc. I didn't get (nor did I expect) any extra gift, and I certainly didn't expect or want to take the title of MOH from her oldest friend. What the bride did do for me was speak with me privately and tell me how much she appreciated me, how much she loved me, and how much she enjoyed the time we were spending together. The groom and his mother also each gave me a hug and thanked me for the extra effort I put in. I didn't do it for a title, for public recognition, for gifts, or for any other reason besides that I genuinely wanted to be involved.

CassieeK · June 2011

If you haven't even asked her to be your MOH, why would you expect her to do these "duties" you think need doing? And from out of state, no less?

covejack · June 2011

You're kidding, right? Maid of HONOUR is a title of honour, not a reward for the maid that does the most.

Muffin'sMom · June 2011

I know...I see another post about someone's "duties" and I just get a MASSIVE headache. Makes it sound like they are in the military or something.

midgetthemighty · June 2011

I couldn't even finish reading this post.

Kniblet · June 2011

My MOH lives over 1000 miles away.

She showed up on the day with her dress and helped me wrangle my train. And I love her for it. And that's all I ever asked of her. Duties? Nope. Just be there was all she had to do.

ADTonk · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-duties-being-done-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:671fa459-a21d-4caa-9527-8a2dcee8d3a6Post:b6c48812-b86f-4327-914a-1b1d4d141055">MoH duties being done by maid</a>:
[QUOTE]So my best friend in the whole world, since high school, is my maid of honor. Though I haven't officially asked her yet, it just goes without saying. I am having two other attendant in addition to her, one of whom is my roommate who will be out of the country (she's Japanese) for most of the wedding planning. But the other attendant is my best friend here in the area (my MoH is in a different state) and she is the one who is doing everything a MoH should. Not to mention her brother just got married and she was an attendant for her sister-in-law and so she has experience. <strong>However, I feel like it's just not right for someone to get the MoH title/honor without actually doing anything.</strong> And granted, she lives elsewhere so it's impossible for her to do some things, but thus far she's not even making an effort. Whereas my best friend here is the one taking the initiative with the others, and doing everything that the MoH should do without getting any of the credit for it. Basically, i hate this. I know i could have two MoHs but then it's like my other attendant is awkwardly left out. But it's not my childhood best friend's fault that she is in a different state than me. I need some help and input please! I don't want to hurt feelings, and I just want to do the right thing!
Posted by berthasister[/QUOTE]

When you honor someone as your MOH, you are saying to them "You are one of my nearest and dearest and I'd like you to stand by me on my wedding day".

That's it. End of story.

There are no other MOH duties above and beyond getting a dress and standing with you on your wedding day. Everything else is voluntary.

MoH duties being done by maid

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