Oh the Drama! In need of advice!

irishwife714 · August 2011

Hi.
My fiance and I are getting married at the Planet Hollywood Chapel next April. We have already booked the chapel and we have also already booked our reception dinner at Maggiano's. We have invited 22 people to join us in Las Vegas. My parent's have given us a specific budget to work with and it has covered everything for these 22 people and given us the wedding we want. We want to keep it intimate and have chosen to have a destination wedding in order to keep it that way.

The drama started this Saturday night when my fiance's Aunt/Godmother offered to upgrade our room at Maggiano's so we could accomodate more people. (Right now we have a room booked that holds 25 people comfortably, which is perfect). She said she is willing to pay for a bigger room. She added that she is NOT willing to pay for the extra dinners to feed the extra people...just the room for them to sit. She said that they would pay for their own dinner because they love us and just want to be there. She is very concerned with us being able to invite more of my fiance's family. She specifically said that the extra room would of course be for more family...not more friends.

We entered into a very heated discussion (more on her part than ours) because she was offended that we a) did not show how exicted we were about her offer and b) did not accept her offer right away.

We are not excited about her offer. Our intention was to keep it small and we have no intention of inviting more people, especially if they have to pay for their own dinner. Little does she know that it would cost them about $100 a plate.

I have contacted Maggiano's to see if upgrading our room is even possible because if I remember correctly the room we booked was the only room left for our wedding day...so it may not even be an issue.
But how do I deal with my fiance's Aunt? How do I get her to understand that our decision to have a small wedding wasn't only about money but about intimacy? She didn't listen to anything I had to say this weekend and claimed we didn't listen to her.
My fiance and I have already caused tension by limiting our amount of guests but this makes me feel we will cause even more by refusing to add more when someone offers us a chance to do so.

How do I handle this situation? Thanks in advance.
-Jenny

AJF021410 · August 2011

Just let her know that it makes you very uncomfortable asking certain people to pay and others not to pay, you can't cover the cost, and thanks but no thanks. Better yet, hopefully you can find out that maggianos is fully booked so you can avoid this uncomfortable situation.

ahhhitsshannyn · August 2011

Even if Maggianos was not booked I would just tell her they were. And there is no room charge, right? It just has to be a minimum? So if she gave you the $800 or whatever it is, she would be paying for their food, and who knows, probably even charging them. Just tell her thanks but no thanks, you have the wedding that you both already want and you hope to see her there.

Natrasha · August 2011

I would say that I was honored that people wanted to celebrate with me, but that our vision for the wedding is for it to be very small and intimate. I'd say I don't feel comfortable asking some people to pay.

I would also be hoping for the "easy out" of Magiannos being booked!

I also think that she was very rude to push this subject. It seems ridiculous to offer to pay for a bigger room, but not pay for the extra people that would fill it.

ellebailey · August 2011

It seems to me that you have a very reasonable reason for not wanting to add more people to your guest list. I think a lot of bride/grooms get seam rolled over this kind of issue, but it is your wedding and if your vision is intimate then that's what it should be. You just have to both be firm with FI's aunt and explain that bigger isn't what you wanted and that it's your wedding. I will cross my fingers for Maggiano's being booked though as it would make everything go a lot smoother and stop any but's that your aunt can come up with. And as a side note - You can't ask people to pay for their dinner at your wedding, especially if it's only some people and a destination wedding on top of all that. In my opinion.

wiwicaty · August 2011

I wouldn't spend too much time explaining the same thing over and over. It's ultimately none of her business to know the details of your wedding. And how irritatig that she would insist so much on the subject, making you feel bad about your choices. Ask your FI to tell her that she caused more confusion and aggravation than anything else, end of discussion. She offered to help but on unacceptable terms, that's not helping at all.

vegasgroom · August 2011

I'd just tell her the plans are under contract and cannot be changed at this point. I have a problem with pushy people trying to get in my business though so chances are I would not be as diplomatic about it as you probably could if you want to be nice. :-)

paigethomason · August 2011

First off if she upgraded the room they wouldn't be paying for there own meals because the fee to upgrade isn't a room fee its a minumum you put down that will go towards there food. So that's not an issue of asking people to pay for there meals because really she would be paying for it not even knowing it. besides that just tell her the other rooms are booked even if it was an option. For you personally its not an option and if you don't want to further the topic just say we can't get another room they are booked and be done with it! Dont let anyone bully you into something you don't want!

ebuchanan89 · August 2011

She must think this is her wedding, not yours. You have already declined the offer. She is complaining that she is not getting her way. She is complaining that you are not listening to her, when, in fact, she is not listening to you. People don't get to call up a bride and blackmail additional invites in exchange for not making waves within the family. How utterly selfish of her to put you in this position and try to make you feel guilty about planning your wedding in the way you want to plan it.

All you (or your fiance) have to do is say no thank you. End of discussion. You do not need to justify ANYTHING. You don't need to make phone calls. You don't need to make up excuses. You don't need to jump through flaming hoops to please everyone, much less a pushy Aunt.

Remember - it takes two to argue. She is not going to stop pushing, so it is your job to end the conversation by saying" thank you for the offer, but we are going to decline". Repeat if necessary, gently, and then say "it was nice talking to you, goodbye" and hang up the phone. Then leave it at that - forever. Do not engage in further conversation with her at any time. Let her be angry, it's ok. You take the high road and keep quiet. She will be the one who will ultimately look like a fool.

specialjune · August 2011

Im reading your post annoyed at his aunt who I do not even know :-p
just say thanks but no thanks. She shoudnt offer you money, and then tell you who you can invite. Its tacky of her to offer to pay for the room, but not the people in it. Keep your 22 ppl and leave it at that. How dare she try to control your wedding. Be strong. Stand up for your self, or simply say Maggianos is all booked. If she dares to try to call them on her own, i would scratch her name off the list

irishwife714 · August 2011

Thanks guys! Seems like I shouldn't feel bad for declining her offer. True that the upgrade would be for a "food minimum" and not a room charge but it doesn't lose the fact that we would still have to pick and choose who to let eat in that room. Choosing the lucky 22 was hard enough. If we were to invite 10 more, 20 more...2 more...we'd still end up ruffling feathers.

BTW- Maggiano's got back to me and they are indeed booked for the entire day of our wedding so crisis averted. However, we still have to create some kind of closure with the Aunt so that she can have a good time at the wedding and not worry about who isn't there with her.

Thanks again!

MeatAuditor · August 2011

I wouldn't be surprised if Aunt now asks you to change the date to one that is open. Ugh.

Anyways, I read this somewhere on TK and thought it was great advice:

"No" is a complete sentence

Too often we feel we have to justify a "no" with an explanation, a little white lie, etc. Guess what? You don't have to. And really, "that's not what we want for our wedding" should be enough of an explanation for every situation.

Remember all those say-no-to-drugs tips from elementary school? Sometimes we have to bust them out for controlling family members too.

ambrose132 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_oh-drama-need-of-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:91Discussion:6b89c1dd-80b8-4001-af4a-2c922102f603Post:060c4f12-f559-4593-8047-045f56604e22">Re: Oh the Drama! In need of advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't be surprised if Aunt now asks you to change the date to one that is open. Ugh. Anyways, I read this somewhere on TK and thought it was great advice: "No" is a complete sentence Too often we feel we have to justify a "no" with an explanation, a little white lie, etc. Guess what? You don't have to. And really, "that's not what we want for our wedding" should be enough of an explanation for every situation. Remember all those say-no-to-drugs tips from elementary school? Sometimes we have to bust them out for controlling family members too.
Posted by MeatAuditor[/QUOTE]

Followed by an UPPERCUT for an exclamation point! But you have to do the Rocky victory dance ever.

Oh the Drama! In need of advice!

Re: Oh the Drama! In need of advice!

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