Rehersal dinner size - invite all, or keep it intimate?

TheBaysideBride · March 2013

Hi - we are having an out of town wedding (it's in New England, so a desination for basically everyone). Originally we thought the RD would be for about 40 of our closest family, and then cocktails with everyone. But the venue has been working really well with us, and we can now afford to have a laid back barbecue/lobster bake for everyone (which is totally our style). We'll have about 100-150 people in town that night.

The only drawback is losing the intimacy of the small RD, for toasts, etc. What do you guys think? I love the idea of having everyone invited to a BBQ after they've traveled a good distance, but also know that the smaller setting would lend itself to a more intimate dinner.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2013

My understanding was that the RD is for the members of the wedidng party that participated in the actual rehersal, plus thie SO's and children if they have any.

Sounds like you are planning on having two receptions!

I'd say this decision is up to you. . . do you want a small rehersal dinner or a larger event that includes many more people?

Knottie_22382102 · March 2013

I have always felt RDs should include out of town guests if possible.

If you can afford it, I'd invite whoever wants to come....especially since they're all from OOT My best friend had 75% of their wedding guests from out of town. So the night before, they did a giant party at her house....it was like having a pre-wedding reception almost....it was really laid back and fun and she loved it because she got to talk to everyone at length and was able to relax on the wedding day without only getting to see people for 5 minutes at the reception.

We'd want to duplicate this a little bit ourselves with the OOT people. I do not want to see my close friends who came 3,000 miles for me (or my family from Europe if they come) for 5 minutes....Im really going to appreciate having a few hours at least to visit.

TheBaysideBride · March 2013

Thanks - the wedding is very formal, so this wouldn't really be like a second reception, I just feel a little resposible for feeding all the out of towners once they get to the venue. I know - not my problem!! but the hotel gave us such a good price that I thought it could be cool to open it to everyone (and then no one is wondering if they're invited).

I'm leaning toward the first plan - small RD, and then cocktails for everyone (there is an outdoor pool and outdoor games area, where we will likely do this).

Thank you guys for your insight.

TheBaysideBride · March 2013

Muppet - that's what I was thinking too - I just want to maximize my time with my family and frineds who are coming from all over the place. Did your friend's family/friends still give speeches?
We are also doing the ketubah signing after the rehersal, and that will definitely be intimate, with wedding party and immediate family.

Peledreamsofrain · March 2013

My rehearsal dinner was planned and hosted by my mother and father in law, and they were so excited that they invited pretty much everyone that was on the wedding guest list.

It was extremely stressful and exhausting.

Most of the bridal party was late, despite being told to arrive half an hour early. That meant that we were trying to rehearse while everyone stared at us like we were a circus act. AND it also meant that I had to spent 20 minutes trying to get through 50+ people to find the bridal party member to get them together.

Not only that, but everyone wanted to talk to me, the bride, on the night before the wedding. I was exhausted, and suffering from food poisoning, and losing my mind from nerves. I'm embarrassed at how much I resented having to go to that rehearsal dinnner, but all I wanted to do was have a quite calm evening to collect myself and get extra sleep.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehersal-dinner-size-invite-all-or-keep-it-intimate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d0590a23-6d5b-4803-9e2f-a8ac96f20b1fPost:c8f59f9a-fb9b-4160-a52c-0ed44d813930">Re: Rehersal dinner size - invite all, or keep it intimate?</a>:
[QUOTE] I'm leaning toward the first plan - small RD, and then cocktails for everyone (there is an outdoor pool and outdoor games area, where we will likely do this). Thank you guys for your insight.
Posted by TheBaysideBride[/QUOTE]

Sounds very nice.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehersal-dinner-size-invite-all-or-keep-it-intimate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d0590a23-6d5b-4803-9e2f-a8ac96f20b1fPost:636f4bc9-525c-4acb-8802-b58a7b3155a3">Re: Rehersal dinner size - invite all, or keep it intimate?</a>:
[QUOTE]My rehearsal dinner was planned and hosted by my mother and father in law, and they were so excited that they invited pretty much everyone that was on the wedding guest list. It was extremely stressful and exhausting. Most of the bridal party was late, despite being told to arrive half an hour early. That meant that we were trying to rehearse while everyone stared at us like we were a circus act. AND it also meant that I had to spent 20 minutes trying to get through 50+ people to find the bridal party member to get them together. Not only that, but everyone wanted to talk to me, the bride, on the night before the wedding. I was exhausted, and suffering from food poisoning, and losing my mind from nerves. I'm embarrassed at how much I resented having to go to that rehearsal dinnner, but all I wanted to do was have a quite calm evening to collect myself and get extra sleep.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

Yikes! What food did you in?

Wheels987 · March 2013

It's also my understanding that usually oot guests are invited to the rehearsal dinner. For us it's about 75% of our guest list. We're doing a morning (10:30am) run through of the ceremony, then the wedding party will go wine tasting, then a "Welcome Dinner" at 6:30pm for basically everyone. Since we're on a ranch, it's pretty easy to accommodate this. We're extending invites to all oot guests and WP for the welcome dinner which will include a taco truck style fiesta with lawn games.

As soon as I let go of the "rehearsal dinner" idea, I was fine with it. At first I also wanted something more intimate, but these people are traveling so far for us, might as well use all the time possible to catch up and have fun!

itzMS · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehersal-dinner-size-invite-all-or-keep-it-intimate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d0590a23-6d5b-4803-9e2f-a8ac96f20b1fPost:c8f59f9a-fb9b-4160-a52c-0ed44d813930">Re: Rehersal dinner size - invite all, or keep it intimate?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks - the wedding is very formal, so this wouldn't really be like a second reception, I just feel a little resposible for feeding all the out of towners once they get to the venue. I know - not my problem!! but the hotel gave us such a good price that I thought it could be cool to open it to everyone (and then no one is wondering if they're invited). I'm leaning toward the first plan - <strong>small RD, and then cocktails for everyone</strong> (there is an outdoor pool and outdoor games area, where we will likely do this). Thank you guys for your insight.
Posted by TheBaysideBride[/QUOTE]

Cocktails for everyone, meaning you'd not feed the OOT guests, but they could stop in for drinks after dinner?

In that case, that is not correct. It's almost like doing a tiered reception, which=bad.

I was in the bridal party for a rehearsal dinner like this. About 40 of us received rehearsal dinner invites and like 100 other OOT guests were instructed to come for drinks and games later on. A bunch of the non-dinner people showed up while we were eating dinner (speeches ran long, dinner got served later than expected). It was really, really awkward.

daria24 · March 2013

I'm not usually a fan of large RDs, since it seems like...everyone's here, including the officiant, you have a three course dinner, why not just get married now? But if its a DW, and it's a casual thing, I think it would be good form to invite everyone. If people are traveling a great distance to be at your wedding, an extra hosted meal would be a nice way to say thank you for traveling.

And dang I like a casual BBQ/clam bake.

OwningAHome1981 · March 2013

I think having a large rehearsal dinner would defeat the purpose of what the rehearsal dinner is.

WinstonsGirl · March 2013

I'm leaning toward the first plan - small RD, and then cocktails for everyone (there is an outdoor pool and outdoor games area, where we will likely do this). Thank you guys for your insight.
Posted by TheBaysideBride[/QUOTE]

My brother and SIl did this. They did the rehearsal and RD in a private room at the RD venue. They then had out apps/munchies and drinks for all OOT guests. Once we finished dinner, we just joined the party the next room over, so no one was showing up watching us eat/do speeches. I'm not sure that this would be tierd though, as I saw them as 2 seperate events. One being the RD, the other being the OOT/family drinks. I could be wrong though Drinks happened well after a dinner hour, so there was no need to serve anything other than snacks/appies

itzMS · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehersal-dinner-size-invite-all-or-keep-it-intimate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d0590a23-6d5b-4803-9e2f-a8ac96f20b1fPost:429811a7-be85-47fc-873f-aeb938c69bd2">Re: Rehersal dinner size - invite all, or keep it intimate?</a>:
[QUOTE] I'm leaning toward the first plan - small RD, and then cocktails for everyone (there is an outdoor pool and outdoor games area, where we will likely do this). Thank you guys for your insight. Posted by TheBaysideBride[/QUOTE] My brother and SIl did this. They did the rehearsal and RD in a private room at the RD venue. They then had out apps/munchies and drinks for all OOT guests. <strong>Once we finished dinner, we just joined the party the next room over</strong>, so no one was showing up watching us eat/do speeches. I'm not sure that this would be tierd though, as I saw them as 2 seperate events. One being the RD, the other being the OOT/family drinks. I could be wrong though Drinks happened well after a dinner hour, so there was no need to serve anything other than snacks/appies
Posted by kje_[/QUOTE]

See...but imagine you were a guest who wasn't "good enough" to be included in the dinner. They knew full well that you all were eating and toasting in that private room. If they didn't, they sure as heck found out when you all made your entrance. That sucks, and that is tiered.

Host everyone fully, or not at all. Including OOT guests at the rehearsal dinner is not a requirement...nor are rehearsals (and the rehearsal dinners that go along with) themselves. Tiering RDs for the sake of "including" everyone in some way is just plain silly.

J+A 2013 · March 2013

Are you sure your OOT guests will be there the night before? Our wedding is OOT for everyone - it's in PA and FI's family is in NY, but the only people we're inviting to the RD and who we expect to be in town are in the WP.

We're going to a wedding in NH this summer and are not planning on going up the day before because it's just not worth the cost of the hotel for a 2nd night to go to the RD they are hosting.

lyndausvi · March 2013

We invited everyone to an open house sort of thing (100% OOT wedding). I loved being able to see everyone the night before. I did not find it stressful at all. Most of the OOT weddings I've attend as invited all the OOT guests. I never thought of it as a 2nd reception. They were totally different events. It was just nice to spend more time with the couple, family and friends.

In theory if your wedding is OOT for most people it means you do not live near most of them either. that was our case. Begin able to spend more time with them was important to us as we don't see them often anyway.

It's your choice, but either plan is fine.

nda8414 · March 2013

This sounds like a blast! If I were your lot guest, I'd love to be included!

lyndausvi · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehersal-dinner-size-invite-all-or-keep-it-intimate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d0590a23-6d5b-4803-9e2f-a8ac96f20b1fPost:16c2d243-2601-4c40-b291-6ce67aa50904">Re: Rehersal dinner size - invite all, or keep it intimate?</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you sure your OOT guests will be there the night before? Our wedding is OOT for everyone - it's in PA and FI's family is in NY, but the only people we're inviting to the RD and who we expect to be in town are in the WP. We're going to a wedding in NH this summer and are not planning on going up the day before because it's just not worth the cost of the hotel for a 2nd night to go to the RD they are hosting.
Posted by J+A 2013[/QUOTE]

<div>It might depend on your crowd. Both my brothers got married in AZ and we were from the east coast. Everyone (35 of us) arrived on the Thursday before the Saturday wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>My wedding was OOT for 100% of the guests, but only a 3-4 drive for most people. About 60% were there on Thursday, by Friday night I would say 90% were in town. </div>

WinstonsGirl · March 2013

See...but imagine you were a guest who wasn't "good enough" to be included in the dinner.

I'm not saying I disagree, since it wasn't my wedding, but I wouldn't see not going to the RD as not being "good enough" to attend. I would see it as I'm not in the wedding party, therefore I don't need to be thanked for being at the rehearsal. To me, it's a different distinction from being a tiered reception since the whole reception is the thank you to your guests. I'm not claiming to know the proper etiquette on this, just my point of view that I wouldn't be offended in that situation. Others might be

Peledreamsofrain · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehersal-dinner-size-invite-all-or-keep-it-intimate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d0590a23-6d5b-4803-9e2f-a8ac96f20b1fPost:74cfe2fd-6617-4849-b2ca-8243cb462c56">Re: Rehersal dinner size - invite all, or keep it intimate?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehersal dinner size - invite all, or keep it intimate? : Yikes! What food did you in?
Posted by cmsciulli[/QUOTE]

It was chicken at a restaurant two nights prior to the RD. It was aweful, and I almost went to the hospital because I couldn't keep fluids in me.

I also almost didn't fit my dress (it was too big), and had the most lamo bachelorette party in existence because I spent the entire night clutching the barstool and swigging pepto bismol while watching everyone else drink.

RDs are intended only for the people in the ceremony itself, but the recent trend is to turn it into a big party. That's awesome if you're a people person. But if you are an introvert like me, it turns into torture. My nerves were high, I was exhausted, there were so many details to still double-check, I didn't know most of the people there, and not much rehearsing was getting done. But I had to plaster on a smile and endure 10 million questions about why I wasn't eating, and ' you better not be starving yourself'. From complete strangers. Joy.

happyfor25 · March 2013

I think offering everyone dinner sounds like a very kind gesture and I would be thrilled to come (especially if I traveled any distance to be there). I think that the actual rehearsal should be more private so you have less chaos. I've never actually been to an RD so I'm not sure what speeches are given but it might seem a little strange for non-WP guests to listen to speeches.

arendiva · March 2013

What I'm doing is having a small rehearsal dinner at 5pm for the people in the rehearsal only and then at 8pm I'm having a welcome dinner for all of the out of town guests who travelled for the wedding. By having the two events separate I get the best of both worlds.

J+A 2013 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehersal-dinner-size-invite-all-or-keep-it-intimate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d0590a23-6d5b-4803-9e2f-a8ac96f20b1fPost:43e576c5-af5e-41e2-8e42-a42545da54d9">Re: Rehersal dinner size - invite all, or keep it intimate?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehersal dinner size - invite all, or keep it intimate? :<strong> It might depend on your crowd.</strong> Both my brothers got married in AZ and we were from the east coast. Everyone (35 of us) arrived on the Thursday before the Saturday wedding. My wedding was OOT for 100% of the guests, but only a 3-4 drive for most people. About 60% were there on Thursday, by Friday night I would say 90% were in town.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

<div>It definitely depends. FI's family has to travel farther than mine, but they are the type that won't even stay in the hotel afterwards while I expect a decent amount of my family to stay overnight (FFIL mentioned maybe getting a bus to transport everyone from NY so they don't have to drive themselves, for example). But that's why it's good to know beforehand what you'll be dealing with. </div><div>
</div><div>We also aren't getting married in an interesting location with a lot to do (like the beach or a resort in the mountains) so there's less appeal for people to show up early. </div>

OpenHeart0117 · March 2013

We are having 100% destination wedding in New Orleans. We have invited 215 people & expect 150 to make the trip. Our rehearsal dinner will be wedding party members & spouses only with both sets of parents, this alone is 42 people for dinner & drinks. Every rehearsal dinner I have ever been invited to has been pretty intimate. It's usually the people closest to the bride and groom & their immediate families. We plan to give our wedding party their gifts at the dinner. I am sure there will be toasts and tears. I would not want to open this up to the entire wedding guest list. For me, it would take away from the purpose in my mind, which is to privately celebrate those who have chosen to stand for you at your wedding. We do however want to have a "welcome party" after the dinner for all wedding guests. It will be their option to attend. I most likely will plan for it to be held somewhere other than where we have the rehearsal dinner. We plan for it to be light snacks & drinks, likely just wine & beer. It will give those who want to see us before the wedding that choice, but also I don't want to over plan the wedding weekend for our guests who have travelled in & may want to go to dinner somewhere special, explore the city on their own & just enjoy New Orleans before our wedding day. Honestly, if I had to host dinner for everyone who had travelled the night before my wedding, it would cost about the same price as our reception & I just don't see how this makes sense in our case & its definitely not in our budget. If I was not a part of a wedding party, I would not expect to be hosted the night before the wedding & would in no way be offended if I wasn't included in the rehearsal dinner. Also, I would not travel to a destination wedding expecting to be "hosted" the entire weekend. It's just not reasonable to me & would be cost prohibitive for most people in my circle. I would only travel for a wedding if it was someplace I really wanted to visit, I was close enough to the couple to spare the expense to travel and I could afford it with no regrets.

TheBaysideBride · March 2013

Thank you all for your input - -I really appreciate it!!
I'm going to continue talking it over w/ FI and his family. I think the early RD/ketubah signing for wedding party, and then cocktails and BBQ with the whole crowd might be the way to go.

Rehersal dinner size - invite all, or keep it intimate?

Re: Rehersal dinner size - invite all, or keep it intimate?

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