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Having trouble with a friend who assumes she's going to be the MOH.

LaurelindorenLaurelindoren member
First Comment
in Wedding Party

One of my used to be close friends is expecting to be my maid of honor. We stopped being close friends because she needs to be the center of attention all the time throws a hissy fit every time she doesn't get her way and tends to treat me like crap. Over the past year she had started to hang out with her partying church friends so I didn't really worry about it, but when she found out that my husband and I are going to be having our formal wedding she started insisting that she be the maid of honor.

I ignored her at first but now she's insulting all the people I've enlisted as bridesmaids. When she found out that it's generally each of the bridesmaid’s responsibilities to pay for their own dresses she informed me that she would not pay for hers. When I asked her who was going to pay for her dress she informed me that I would be paying for hers.

I really don't know what to do about her since she'll end up going off at one time or another, likely when it will cause the most trouble for me. Not to mention she'll make me seem like a terrible person to everyone she knows and cause copious amounts of unnecessary drama. How do I solve this problem with as few repercussions as possible?

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Re: Having trouble with a friend who assumes she's going to be the MOH.

  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    If you haven't done so yet, you need to let her know she's not in the WP.  Next time she says something about being in the WP, tell her, "Mindy, Cindy and Wendy are my BMs, but I can't wait to see you as a guest!" and then change the subject.

    Having said that, if you have let her believe she's MOH for this long w/o correcting her, it's going to look really bad to tell her now after you've effectively led her on for so long.  You need to accept some culpability in that.  I'm not defending her behaviour by any means, and you truly have my sympathies for putting up with her, but the duty to correct her misperception was yours and yours alone.  I don't know if you can tell her at this point without her feeling justifiably misled at this point, but then again I'm not sure how long this has been going on.  If it's only been a week or two, fine.  If we're talking about months, you will need to eat some dirt.

    My final thought: Why are you still friends with someone like this?  
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  • jaimed99jaimed99 member
    500 Comments
    "Formal wedding"? Are you saying that you're already married? In that case, it's either a vow renewal or just a staged ceremony. Do your guests know that you're already married? Or do they think they're witnessing the actual wedding?

    If you're already married, there's no need for a "formal wedding" or wedding party...just have an AHR and enjoy having your friends and family there to celebrate your marriage. That way, the need for bridesmaids is negated and you no longer feel obligated to "enlist" anyone.
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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Oh wow I missed that. OP, if you're already married, stop this farce.  A "formal wedding" just comes across as ridiculous and a little pathetic to everyone not you or your FI/DH.
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  • naomikbnaomikb member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    I'd like some clarification here... when I read it I assumed "formal wedding" meant a formal church wedding with reception and lots of people and a bridal party, vs. an "informal" backyard ceremony and BBQ reception and maybe no bridal party.
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  • 1900katie1900katie member
    First Comment
    edited November 2010

    friendships are complicated, arent they? i totally empathize with you. if i were in your position i would have a lunch with her(9if you can stand it) and explain that you love her and cherish her friendship, but can already see that the wedding is coming between you.  invite her as a guest if possible, but not to be in the WP. i would explain that "i want you there, but i never want 1 day to ruin our friendship" . you may find that this even distances her further as a friend - a blessing in disguise - but you can probably still remain friendly and polite.

    if she is the type of frenemy i am familiar with, then you can never really have the friendship be peaceful and loving no matter how you try, you just have to keep your distance and love them for who they are.
    but dont let this broad drive you nuts on your wedding day!
    good luck
    xoxo

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  • jaimed99jaimed99 member
    500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_having-trouble-friend-assumes-shes-going-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7f358ba1-b608-4015-beee-dc1d35ba2c67Post:b44e6190-1a68-4625-b458-5b15b5855de6">Re: Having trouble with a friend who assumes she's going to be the MOH.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd like some clarification here... when I read it I assumed "formal wedding" meant a formal church wedding with reception and lots of people and a bridal party, vs. an "informal" backyard ceremony and BBQ reception and maybe no bridal party.
    Posted by naomikb[/QUOTE]

    <div>I would assume the same too...but she referred to her man as her husband, not her fiance.</div>
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  • 1900katie1900katie member
    First Comment
    ps, i knew what you meant by formal wedding, lol  ;)
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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_having-trouble-friend-assumes-shes-going-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7f358ba1-b608-4015-beee-dc1d35ba2c67Post:7a0fdb20-a5f5-416c-abee-db1ca733bdb9">Re: Having trouble with a friend who assumes she's going to be the MOH.</a>:
    [QUOTE]friendships are complicated, arent they? i totally empathize with you. if i were in your position i would have a lunch with her(9if you can stand it) and explain that you love her and cherish her friendship, but can already see that the wedding is coming between you.  invite her as a guest if possible, but not to be in the WP. i would explain that "i want you there, but i never want 1 day to ruin our friendship" . you may find that this even distances her further as a friend - a blessing in disguise - but you can probably still remain friendly and polite. if she is the type of frenemy i am familiar with, then you can never really have the friendship be peaceful and loving no matter how you try, you just have to keep your distance and love them for who they are. but dont let this broad drive you nuts on your wedding day! good luck xoxo
    Posted by 1900katie[/QUOTE]
    There's no way that conversation ends well.  It's "your fired" plain and simple, over a wedding that isn't even a real wedding.<div>
    </div><div>Also, proper spelling (and capitalization) is your friend.  Your post was very difficult to get through because every word (including the first word in a sentence) was lower-case.  People will not only understand you better, they'll take you more seriously.</div>
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
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  • bdulli13bdulli13 member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_having-trouble-friend-assumes-shes-going-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7f358ba1-b608-4015-beee-dc1d35ba2c67Post:237ee9ff-e220-48f6-9dde-aef4f7ebc48d">Re: Having trouble with a friend who assumes she's going to be the MOH.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Having trouble with a friend who assumes she's going to be the MOH. : This made me laugh.
    Posted by veritasatori[/QUOTE]


    LOL I thought I was the only one who caught that. Exactly how do church friends party? Just out of curiosity...
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    This isn't an issue because apparently you are already married.  Therefore you don't need a WP.  The answer to your *friend* is "Sorry for the misunderstanding.  As we're already married, we're not having a WP or a do-over wedding.  But we're going to have a party to celebrate our marriage, and we'll look forward to seeing you there."
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If you're already married what sort of event are you planning?  I ask because if it's just a celebration and you're not doing a convalidation, I have to question why the WP in the first place.

    I'll echo Trix's response as a result.

    If you are still set on having a WP for the celebration, just tell your friend that you understand if she's not comfortable buying the attire but if she isn't comfortable doing so, she's more than welcome to attend as a guest.
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  • LaurelindorenLaurelindoren member
    First Comment
    We were married by the justice of the peace while my husband was on mid tour leave from Iraq. We plan on having a formal wedding when he gets time off so our friends and family can celebrate with us. Our friends and family know we are already legally married.

    How do Church friends party? Like many other college kids they get really drunk and passout at some college dorm.

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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I think you might find your life a lot easier to just have the reception, rather than a second ceremony.  That way you need no WP and this friend will be off your back.  Many military couples in your situation do this.
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
    Report Reply
  • bdulli13bdulli13 member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_having-trouble-friend-assumes-shes-going-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7f358ba1-b608-4015-beee-dc1d35ba2c67Post:4aa997fc-3e04-4659-a87f-ac5393d2c397">Re: Having trouble with a friend who assumes she's going to be the MOH.</a>:
    [QUOTE]We were married by the justice of the peace while my husband was on mid tour leave from Iraq. We plan on having a formal wedding when he gets time off so our friends and family can celebrate with us. Our friends and family know we are already legally married. How do Church friends party? Like many other college kids they get really drunk and passout at some college dorm.
    Posted by Laurelindoren[/QUOTE]


    Haha, thanks for the clarification. When you classified them as church friends, I got an entirely different image. Not to say people who go to church can't party, it just wasn't the first image that came to mind.
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  • jaimed99jaimed99 member
    500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_having-trouble-friend-assumes-shes-going-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7f358ba1-b608-4015-beee-dc1d35ba2c67Post:be5d82d5-d2d5-4a5f-ac98-085f882e237b">Re: Having trouble with a friend who assumes she's going to be the MOH.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you might find your life a lot easier to just have the reception, rather than a second ceremony.  That way you need no WP and this friend will be off your back.  Many military couples in your situation do this.
    Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

    <div>This. An entire ceremony including WP is totally unnecessary when the reason for having the WP is to witness your wedding. If your friends and family are already aware that you're already married, they won't be offended but not having seen the actual ceremony, and some may (even if they don't tell you) feel put off by having to sit through a "formal ceremony" that is only for show. Just have a big party and enjoy having them there to celebrate your union! :)</div><div>
    </div><div>Congrats on your marriage, and best of luck to your husband who is serving our country!</div>
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  • dreamsinpinkdreamsinpink member
    Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited November 2010
    Actually, having a formal ceremony after you are legally married is pretty common.  I dont see an issue with it as long as the guests know prior to the wedding.  Two examples; My dads friend and his wife eloped, but his mom was pretty upset so she threw them a very nice large wedding.  But the guests knew before attending the wedding they were already married.  Other example (where its bad) my sister went to a judge and married her now husband (everyone thinks is her fiance) but hasnt told anyone but my mom and a couple people but are still having a HUGE wedding. BAD IDEA!

    As for your problem, I agree that if you have not corrected her and she still thinks she is MOH, you are kinda SOL.  If you havent implied she is, just tell her you have chosen "mary" (whoever you chose) because this, this, and this.  If she is a real friend, she will understand.

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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_having-trouble-friend-assumes-shes-going-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7f358ba1-b608-4015-beee-dc1d35ba2c67Post:ae6c7801-aea9-4b36-88d1-97798f0aab73">Re: Having trouble with a friend who assumes she's going to be the MOH.:</a>:
    [QUOTE]Actually, having a formal ceremony after you are legally married is pretty common.  I dont see an issue with it as long as the guests know prior to the wedding. 
    Posted by mfuller989[/QUOTE]
    Just because more and more people are doing it doesn't make it okay.  If you elope, you've opted out of the huge white wedding.  You just have.  Now I'm not going to begrudge a military couple who got married during a break in deployment from a big reception with friends and family; I think it's a lovely idea and it not only celebrates their marriage, it celebrates his safe return home.  But to have a re-do wedding to make up for how lackluster the first one was is just a bad idea.  Which is why I and others are advising OP to skip the ceremony and just have the reception.  A full-on WP for a fake wedding is a bit much.
    Courtesy of megk8oz
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
    Report Reply
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