question for a friend

sj_moe · April 2011

Hi Ladies! I am not Catholic so I was hoping you could answer a couple of questions for me. A friend of mine was talking about having a nondenominational wedding (she grew up Catholic, but her FI is not), but later on down the road when they start a family she wants to have her children baptized Catholic. She mentioned that she heard this can't be done if her and her FI don't get married in a Catholic church. Is this true? Also, if they decided to get married in a Catholic Church, what steps do they need to take in order to (a little background: she is not currently a member of a church and he has been married before).
Thanks for any info you can share

SoHappyToBeMrsC · April 2011

If they do not marry in a Catholic church, her marriage will not be recognized as a Sacramental bond. I do not think this will hinder their ability to get any future children baptized.

If she wants to have a Catholic wedding, she needs to pick a church. A lot of churches may require that you be a parishioner for at least six months prior to scheduling a wedding. The requirements vary by parish, but they will definitely have to do premarital counseling, or pre-cana. She will need to get the info directly from her church, some do classes, some do a FOCCUS test and meeting with a priest, and others insist on Engaged Encounter weekends. It varies.

She also needs to meet with a priest to discuss her annulment, which is necessary prior to her getting remarried in the church. If she's Catholic, and married outside the church, she will most likely be able to get a lack of form annulment, which is very simple and easy. But, she needs to confirm this with a priest.

So long story short - pick a church, start attending, and talk with a priest about all of these issues.

Also, tell her that if she is not interested in a Catholic wedding, don't do it. It's disrespectful to the church to go through the motions if her heart isn't in it. I wonder why she would want to get her children baptized and raise them Catholic, if she doesn't attend church and has no interest in a Catholic wedding, unless it would bar her from carrying out her plans of baptizing future kids.

ootmother2 · April 2011

If you & your FI don'twant to be married in a Catholic church, it doesn't mean your children will be denied baptism.

But why?

monkeysip · April 2011

If someone wants their children baptized Catholic, then they usually must promise to raise the child Catholic (taking them to mass, educating them in the faith, etc.). Exceptions can be made if the Catholic godparent(s) is willing to educate the child in the faith, instead of the parents.

But really, why would parents want their child raise Catholic if they weren't practicing? Seems a little odd to me, but its not necessarily an impediment.

catarntina · April 2011

This is true in my church. My church specifically requires that the parents be married in a Catholic church or they cannot have their children baptized. It is of course different if the parents were not Catholic when they got married and then decided to later convert to Catholicsm and then have their children baptized after their conversion.

However, my parents were not married in the Catholic church, but my brother and I were both able to be baptized. But that was also 24 years ago and their church is in a different state than mine.

So, it most likely differs by parish.

mica178 · April 2011

Parents don't have to be married in a Catholic church for their children to be baptized in the church. However, if the parents knew they wanted to raise their children as Catholics, why not start out by getting married in the Catholic church? It's easier to raise your children a certain way if you practice the same religion.

sj_moe · April 2011

Thanks for the info ladies. I will pass it on to her.

Calypso1977 · April 2011

it all depends on the priest.

there are some priests who will refuse baptism to a child if they have serious doubts/reservations that the child will actually be raised catholic, in a catholic home.

its kind of tough to provide a catholic home if you werent married in teh church and cannot receive communion when you go to mass. it will be difficult to encourage your child to marry in the church one day when you yourself did not do so.

in order for your friend to be married in the church, her FI will have to seek an annulment. they will have to go through the usual pre-cana process, etc. depending upon the circumstances, the annulment may or may not be granted, and it may or may not take a long time.

sj_moe · April 2011

Her FI was not married in a Catholic church. Will he still have to get an annulment?

Calypso1977 · April 2011

yes, because he is still married. the church recognizes marriages between two non-catholics as valid.

bibliophile2010 · April 2011

The best place for your friend to start is by really looking into her heart and having a BIG conversation with her fiance about religion, faith, the role it will (or will not) play in their lives as a couple, and the role it will (or will not) play in raising their children. I know you said that she wants children to be baptized Catholic, but why? Is is cultural? To appease mom? Because of deeply rooted and held beliefs? Is raising the child in the faith going to begin and end with baptism? I think that the answers to these questions will shed some light on what she should do.

If she really, truly believes Catholicism will play a role in her life, her marriage, and her children's upbringing, she needs to 1) talk to a priest ASAP, and 2) start attending mass regularly (with or without her fiance).

sj_moe · April 2011

I guess I should further explain the situation. My friend grew up Catholic and went to Catholic school. Since moving to GA she has only gone to church a handful of times, but never really became a member of a church. Her FI, on the other hand, did not grow up with any type of religious background and to be honest he's on the fence with what his faith is (or is not). All this being said, he did say that he would be willing to do whatever he had to do if it was important for her to get married in a Catholic church, but she does not feel comfortable with that because she wants him to do it because it comes from his beliefs, not to just "go through the motions". Her biggest concern is for the future when kids come into play (They have discussed this in detail and he is fine with raising the children Catholic). She was just worried, because she heard through another friend, that if they went through with their plans to not get married in a Catholic church, that she wouldn't be able to get her children baptised later on down the road.

Calypso1977 · April 2011

She was just worried, because she heard through another friend, that if they went through with their plans to not get married in a Catholic church, that she wouldn't be able to get her children baptised later on down the road.

again, it depends on the priest. there is no rule that says you cant have a kid baptized if hte parents were not married in teh church, but a priest can use his personal discretion/judgement on whether the child will be raised in teh faith. its similar to how a priest has the right to refuse marriage or communion to a couple based on circumstances where he may have doubts.

sj_moe · April 2011

Thanks again for all the info. I appreciate it.

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