Help! What have I gotten myself into!?

MrsMitchell63 · May 2011

My Fiance and I never asked for, expected, or even wanted to have a big wedding, but our parent's wanted us to. We decided to go with the flow since my parent's insisted on helping to pay for a lot of it. Anyway, we're getting very close to the big day, invitations are sent out and replies are trickling in. My parent's have just informed me that she never planned for my guests to bring any children to the reception and they would not have the money to have them there.
Her solution to this problem is to have me call each guest and inform them that they will need a sitter. There is no way on earth that I am going to do that.
Am I going to have to take out a loan to pay for the wedding I never wanted??

NotColloquial · May 2011

Did you write the children's names on the invitation? If so, you're stuck. If not, they shouldn't be RSVPing with their children and you should call the ones who do and let them know that you cannot accommodate any extras.

Edit: Also, can't you just downgrade some of your decorations or whatnot to prevent the wedding from getting out of budget?

midgetthemighty · May 2011

She should have told you this before the invitations went out. Were the invitations addressed to Mr & Mrs Smith & family or just Mr. & Mrs Smith?

Brandiewine11 · May 2011

How did you address the invitiations? Did you invite the children on the invite or by word of mouth? If you invited them, you need to host them in some way. Your venue likely has a reduced price for kids anyway. Unless you have 20-30 kids it shouldn't be that much.

If you never indicated the children could come, you call those who RSVP's for the kids and say "I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, but the invite was for you and your husband only. Due to space/budget/whatever we aren't able to accomodate the children." Expect that some of them will decline to come.

Also, please note that breastfeeding infants and any kids in the WP and their siblings should be an exception to this rule.

redheadfsu · May 2011

Did you invite the kids?

AdeleDazeem · May 2011

How were the invitations worded? What are people writing on their response cards?

If you invited "The Smith Family," then you're stuck.

If you invited "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" and they responded with "The Smith Family," then you are well within your rights to say "The invitation was just for you and your husband. I hope you can still make it without the kids!"

aragx6 · May 2011

Yeah like everyone else said we need more info OP!

MrsMitchell63 · May 2011

I invited some as "and Family" and others as specific names (without the children being invited)

But I don't feel like I should have to inform people that I don't want their children at me wedding, because I do want them there. I don't want to break my parent's either though

Also, I can't cut anymore costs since everything is paid for except the reception... I guess I could fire the photographer.....

mica178 · May 2011

OP -- come back! We need more information.

Is there any way you can rearrange your budget? Cancel the limo, cancel the band (do an iPod reception)? Spend the wedding night at home rather than in a hotel? Delay the honeymoon?

Lurkers, please take the OP's situation as a valuable lesson. Make sure that you've budgeted for your whole guest list so that there aren't payment issues in the last months before the wedding (after the invitations go out).

Brandiewine11 · May 2011

I think you need to reason with your parents then. How much will the kids actually cost? We have about 10 kids, and each child only costs $12, rather than the much higher adult price. It's about $120. Maybe its really not a big deal, price wise?

aragx6 · May 2011

If your parents are hosting and they want, at this absolute 11th hour, in the most uncomfortable way possible to disinvite the children I would make them call and do it themselves.

emilyinchile · May 2011

Can you and your FI not come up with the money for this? As PP said, kids' meals usually aren't that expensive, although of course I don't know how many kids we're talking about.

For the people who were Mr. and Mrs. Smith on the invitation, you will just have to call them back and apologize for the confusion but explain that you're only able to invite the parents. This is probably not a good idea though if for whatever reason you invited one aunt and uncle with "and family" and another aunt and uncle without kids - that's would be a big slight in most families. It'll work better if there's some kind of difference in your relationship with the "and family" people vs. the adults only people.

NotColloquial · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotten-myself-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:11d2ae50-cbac-4752-a0df-e7cf69605cacPost:1c4aa692-2c38-4121-9657-86e4a8c9cbbc">Re: Help! What have I gotten myself into!?</a>:
[QUOTE]I invited some as "and Family" and others as specific names (without the children being invited) But I don't feel like I should have to inform people that I don't want their children at me wedding, because I do want them there. I don't want to break my parent's either though :( Also, I can't cut anymore costs since <strong>everything is paid for except the reception</strong>... I guess I could fire the photographer.....
Posted by MrsMitchell63[/QUOTE]

Perfect! Just do a bbq reception or cake and punch. Don't fire the photographer... You are really going to want those pictures down the road.

mica178 · May 2011

Could you change the menu options at the reception so that you can afford to have all the kids come? Also, does the venue have discounted kids prices (kids often eat less or have a less expensive meal option, kids don't drink alcohol)?

ahhhitsshannyn · May 2011

I would pay for it yourselves. Your parents should not have decided this now, but there is not really a way to uninvite them. I do not see how paying for 30 kids should make you take a loan out, I am assuming it cannot be more than a couple hundred dollars. Call your venue and ask about children prices.

The Mel and Todd Show · May 2011

OP, how many children are we talking about here? What does your venue charge for a child's plate? There are ways you can come up with this prior to the date that you make payment.

Let's say you have 20 kids invited, and your venue charges them $20. That's $400. Invites are out, so I'm assuming that you have a few weeks left? Let's say you have a month. Do your grocery shopping at Wal-mart or Aldi, don't go out for meals, cut back on extras like coffee in the morning that you don't make at home, quit smoking (if it applies), cancel gym membership, sell old clothes to consignment shop, etc. What haven't you paid for yet? Are there accessories you're still hoping to buy? Borrow something. Gifts for bridal party? Scale back on gift that they receive prior to the wedding and offer to take each to a meaningful dinner out at a later date. Cut out corsages/bouts. Cut out an hour of the dj/band by doing an ipod for your cocktail hour. Cut an hour from your photography/videography package. All of these things will feel like a sacrifice, but will absolutely be worth it so you don't have to revoke an invitation- it's never okay to revoke an invitation. Unless these children are now zombies. Zombies are the exception. Always revoke an invitation if the recipient becomes a zombie. There's no reasoning with them.

mica178 · May 2011

I always love Mel posts.

I have a serious girl crush on Mel.

elizabethjane25 · May 2011

if people have rsvp'd for uninvited guests, you are well within your rights to call them up and tell them that you are sorry but you cannot accommodate the extra people. however, if you invited "and family", you really can't call and uninvite them.

is there anywhere you can cut costs at your reception? perhaps you can have a bar of just beer and wine, or downgrade a few menu options.

definitely don't fire the photographer. i think you will regret that

MrsMitchell63 · May 2011

Kids eat less too don't they?

I think I'm going to tell my mom like it is:

"I'm very thankful that you want to honor me with this beautiful wedding, but the truth is I never asked for it. If you hadn't told me it was taken care of even after I asked if you were completely sure, I would have had a small ceremony and a cake reception in the church basement. So if you want to cut cost's this late in the game, you can let everyone know yourself. By the way I love you a lot."

Thanks for your help guys

Wrkn925 · May 2011

Mel has all the answers.

AdeleDazeem · May 2011

Listen to the other posters - they all have great ideas!

Also - it's parents. Parents. Not parent's.

bbrown185 · May 2011

This is quite a pickle your parents have put you in, BUT if you were originally planning to pay for it all, can you not use the money you would have paid to pay for the children. At my venue the kids have a special menu and it is $15 for each of them. For that they get mac 'n cheese, chicken fingers, apple slices with caramel sauce, and baby carrots with ranch. Plus punch or juice. Kids meals are not that expensive so maybe you and DF could handle it??????

jessicabessica · May 2011

I would figure out exactly what kids you want to have there (you have to host the ones that were invited, if they weren't invited, it's your call), and then figure out how much it will cost to have them by calling your venue and caterer, not by guessing. Then present your parents with that information.

MrsMitchell63 · May 2011

Mel, that was full of good ideas and also hilarious. Made my day.

Joy: I know. It's parents, not parent's... but don't let the small details ruin your day

Everyone else: This is a low budget wedding already, and $400 is a big deal for me at this point. I wish I would have stood my ground and stuck with the small intimate ceremony and maybe had an informal reception later on, but what's done is done. Also, If there was extra money, I wouldn't have made the original post.

The Mel and Todd Show · May 2011

Guys, I was just HELPFUL. Mark it on the calendar.

MrsMitchell63 · May 2011

I will be pissed if Zombies try to crash my wedding. I might bring my gun just in case.

AdeleDazeem · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotten-myself-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:11d2ae50-cbac-4752-a0df-e7cf69605cacPost:c4d13ff1-7672-450a-a183-ec6816aa54e6">Re: Help! What have I gotten myself into!?</a>:
[QUOTE]Mel, that was full of good ideas and also hilarious. Made my day. :) Joy: I know. It's parents, not parent's... but don't let the small details ruin your day :) Everyone else: This is a low budget wedding already, and $400 is a big deal for me at this point. I wish I would have stood my ground and stuck with the small intimate ceremony and maybe had an informal reception later on, but what's done is done. Also, If there was extra money, I wouldn't have made the original post.
Posted by MrsMitchell63[/QUOTE]

I have a thing about apostrophes. Forgive me. :-)

ahhhitsshannyn · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotten-myself-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:11d2ae50-cbac-4752-a0df-e7cf69605cacPost:c4d13ff1-7672-450a-a183-ec6816aa54e6">Re: Help! What have I gotten myself into!?</a>:
[QUOTE]Mel, that was full of good ideas and also hilarious. Made my day. :) Joy: I know. It's parents, not parent's... but don't let the small details ruin your day :) Everyone else: <strong>This is a low budget wedding already, and $400 is a big deal for me at this point. I</strong> wish I would have stood my ground and stuck with the small intimate ceremony and maybe had an informal reception later on, but what's done is done. Also, If there was extra money, I wouldn't have made the original post.
Posted by MrsMitchell63[/QUOTE]

Mel gave a lot of ideas on how to save money in the next month. You can talk to your parents, but maybe they truly cannot spare it either since they have already paid for everything else. Think of it this way, you were planning on having a small intimate wedding anyways, and in almost every circumstance that would have cost more than $400. But this is probably a moot point since you still need to figure out how much kids meals cost. Good luck.

SirJuliusVonHaast · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotten-myself-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:11d2ae50-cbac-4752-a0df-e7cf69605cacPost:d878a11d-0d91-4a24-94a6-c31ab9b88ceb">Re: Help! What have I gotten myself into!?</a>:
[QUOTE]Kids eat less too don't they? I think I'm going to tell my mom like it is: "I'm very thankful that you want to honor me with this beautiful wedding, but the truth is I never asked for it. If you hadn't told me it was taken care of even after I asked if you were completely sure, I would have had a small ceremony and a cake reception in the church basement. So if you want to cut cost's this late in the game, you can let everyone know yourself. By the way I love you a lot." Thanks for your help guys :)
Posted by MrsMitchell63[/QUOTE]

<div>Unless your parents really really pushed the big wedding, even after you said you didn't want it, it probably isn't a great idea to say all of this. They are probably spending their (presumably) hard earned money at least in part because they thought it would be something nice to do for you. You probably don't want to make them feel bad about that at this point. I would find out what the kids meals cost and see what you can work out (maybe split the cost with your parents, if they will agree to that).</div>

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