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Two Wedding Ceremonies?

hanahzhanahz
10 Comments
in Chit Chat

We are planning to have a Lord of the Rings themed wedding and he wants it to be a very small wedding. However I have had several of my extended family members tell me that they are wanting to come to the wedding and I know they would not approve of the costume type of wedding we are having and he doesn't really want them there anyway. Would it be appropriate to have one simple ceremony to include everyone and then another one with the theme we have picked out and just have the people we really want there?

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Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies?

  • MoonlightSilverMoonlightSilver member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    No. You only get one wedding ceremony. If you don't want these people at your wedding ceremony, having a second ceremony just for them kind of defeats the purpose. 

    Tell anyone who asks that you're having a small wedding, and change the subject. Send out wedding announcements after the wedding. 

    Also keep in mind that it's against etiquette to have a tiered wedding, where some guests are only invited to the reception. Everyone who comes to the ceremony should also be invited to the reception. 
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  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    You get one wedding ceremony.

    Who cares if extended family "approve" of your wedding ceremony or not?  If they want to come, then they should come to the wedding that you plan and be happy about it.  But, you are under no obligation to invite them.  If you want small, then go small.  If you want to include everyone, then include everyone.  But no fake second ceremony and everyone invited to the reception must also be invited to the ceremony.

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  • Julie2013Julie2013
    500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_two-wedding-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:37693a10-4999-41e2-8ae5-548910f6063fPost:e014d575-6b8f-4a70-82c6-1557c79b486f">Two Wedding Ceremonies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are planning to have a Lord of the Rings themed wedding and he wants it to be a very small wedding. However I have had several of my extended family members tell me that they are wanting to come to the wedding and I know they would not approve of the costume type of wedding we are having and he doesn't really want them there anyway. <strong>Would it be appropriate to have one simple ceremony to include everyone and then another one with the theme we have picked out and just have the people we really want there?</strong>
    Posted by hanahz[/QUOTE]

    How would that solve your problem, hanahz? If your FI doesn't want a traditional ceremony or for certain members of your family to be there, he'd not be happy with this idea of two ceremonies, would he?

    Do YOU like the idea of a LOTR-themed wedding? If not, maybe you could bring up the idea of a small wedding with a forest or woodland theme. And maybe save the LOTR theme for a fun vow renewal or anniversary party someday?
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  • StephJean83StephJean83 member
    500 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_two-wedding-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:37693a10-4999-41e2-8ae5-548910f6063fPost:ecc52713-fdf2-4bdc-80d1-2f7e18a94798">Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]No. You only get one wedding ceremony. If you don't want these people at your wedding ceremony, having a second ceremony just for them kind of defeats the purpose.  Tell anyone who asks that you're having a small wedding, and change the subject. Send out wedding announcements after the wedding. <strong> Also keep in mind that it's against etiquette to have a tiered wedding, where some guests are only invited to the reception. Everyone who comes to the ceremony should also be invited to the reception. 
    </strong>Posted by MoonlightSilver[/QUOTE]

    My question is how does it go against etiquette to have a small ceremony and a larger reception? I get that it is against etiquette to get married and than have a larger reception with all the fixings of a wedding after the fact. I guess I don't see how a "tiered" wedding where you have a small ceremony with WP and family followed by a larger reception is an etiquette no-no.
    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
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  • hanahzhanahz
    10 Comments
    Yes, I like the LOTR theme. I am the one who came up with the idea. And it was more for him to have the two, not the family. I don't care what they think and I am "adult" enough to stand up to them about it. Thanks for the help of making me feel like an idiot by wanting the best for everyone at MY wedding everyone. I am not trying to somehow cheat the system or something. People have two weddings all the time when their families live far apart and one cannot travel to the others home and for many other reasons.
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  • hanahzhanahz
    10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_two-wedding-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:37693a10-4999-41e2-8ae5-548910f6063fPost:a15b14f3-c9cc-4015-893b-cfdaa9651628">Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies? : My question is how does it go against etiquette to have a small ceremony and a larger reception? I get that it is against etiquette to get married and than have a larger reception with all the fixings of a wedding after the fact. I guess I don't see how a "tiered" wedding where you have a small ceremony with WP and family followed by a larger reception is an etiquette no-no.
    Posted by StephJean83[/QUOTE]

    Thank you!! I have that question too. I am glad to see someone that isn't just out to make me seem like a horrible person. Even if you feel the same way as everyone else, you kept it to yourself. :)
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  • cwaggoner07cwaggoner07 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_two-wedding-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:37693a10-4999-41e2-8ae5-548910f6063fPost:97bbea24-4197-4512-8698-5346f6ce6ea0">Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies? : Thank you!! I have that question too. I am glad to see someone that isn't just out to make me seem like a horrible person. <strong>Even if you feel the same way as everyone else, you kept it to yourself. :)</strong>
    Posted by hanahz[/QUOTE]

    Oh goodness. You posted on a public forum. Why would you want people to keep to themselves?
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  • StephJean83StephJean83 member
    500 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_two-wedding-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:37693a10-4999-41e2-8ae5-548910f6063fPost:97bbea24-4197-4512-8698-5346f6ce6ea0">Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies? : Thank you!! I have that question too. I am glad to see someone that isn't just out to make me seem like a horrible person. Even if you feel the same way as everyone else, you kept it to yourself. :)
    Posted by hanahz[/QUOTE]

    I've gone to weddings where the couple did two different ceremonies. One was very private and just the WP and the parents of the bride and the 2nd was a semi traditional Jewish ceremony for the groom's mom. I think each couple has to make the decision that fits them and shows off their personalities. Though I do think the ceremony needs to have some bit of reverence and will(and have) pull beer bottles of the hands of the WP before they walk down the aisle.
    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
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  • hanahzhanahz
    10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_two-wedding-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:37693a10-4999-41e2-8ae5-548910f6063fPost:7a232877-4c95-4e98-b8ab-ab923d3ba86c">Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies? : I've gone to weddings where the couple did two different ceremonies. One was very private and just the WP and the parents of the bride and the 2nd was a semi traditional Jewish ceremony for the groom's mom. I think each couple has to make the decision that fits them and shows off their personalities. Though I do think the ceremony needs to have some bit of reverence and will(and have) pull beer bottles of the hands of the WP before they walk down the aisle.
    Posted by StephJean83[/QUOTE]

    Thank you. I will have to just think about it and let us decide what we want to do. It is our wedding and I know that what makes us happy will make everyone happy for us. Thanks for your help. It is greatly appreciated. :)
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  • hanahzhanahz
    10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_two-wedding-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:37693a10-4999-41e2-8ae5-548910f6063fPost:75e2e8f8-5cd5-4afc-bf37-144c22e772bf">Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies? : Oh goodness. You posted on a public forum. Why would you want people to keep to themselves?
    Posted by cwaggoner07[/QUOTE]

    This is a place where words fall short of what you need them to mean. I wasn't wanting them to keep to themselves. I was looking for honest opinons and experiences of others who are going through the wedding process or have gone through it before. I know I should have, but I didn't realize that it would turn out to be everyone making fun of my decisions about my wedding.
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  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_two-wedding-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:37693a10-4999-41e2-8ae5-548910f6063fPost:71cbd840-2471-46f5-91a9-ed0b6c642fb5">Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yes, I like the LOTR theme. I am the one who came up with the idea. And it was more for him to have the two, not the family. I don't care what they think and I am "adult" enough to stand up to them about it. Thanks for the help of making me feel like an idiot by wanting the best for everyone at MY wedding everyone. I am not trying to somehow cheat the system or something. People have two weddings all the time when their families live far apart and one cannot travel to the others home and for many other reasons.
    Posted by hanahz[/QUOTE]

    I'm so confused how my post made you feel like an idiot...?  I told you to have one wedding ceremony.  Easy peasy.

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  • Julie2013Julie2013
    500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_two-wedding-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:37693a10-4999-41e2-8ae5-548910f6063fPost:71cbd840-2471-46f5-91a9-ed0b6c642fb5">Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yes, I like the LOTR theme. I am the one who came up with the idea. And it was more for him to have the two, not the family. I don't care what they think and I am "adult" enough to stand up to them about it. Thanks for the help of making me feel like an idiot by wanting the best for everyone at MY wedding everyone. I am not trying to somehow cheat the system or something. People have two weddings all the time when their families live far apart and one cannot travel to the others home and for many other reasons.
    Posted by hanahz[/QUOTE]

    My asking you if YOU liked the LOTR theme made you feel like an idiot? Why? I couldn't tell from your post whether it was you, your husband, or both of you that wanted the theme, so I asked and suggested an alternative. I don't see where in my post I made fun of your plans at all. I only asked questions to clarify.

    FWIW, I'm a live-and-let-live sort. If I had friends or family doing a LOTR themed wedding, I'd be there and be happy for them. I'd also be happy to be invited to a second celebration that looked like a wedding but wasn't actually the first time the couple said, "I do." Actually, I've been invited to two of those in the next six months. I plan to do my best to attend them both! Oh, and one has a reception that's quite a few months away from from their second I-do. I love them dearly and could care less how they choose to celebrate their union. It's not like I'm paying for it or plan to give them more than one gift.
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  • Julie2013Julie2013
    500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_two-wedding-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:37693a10-4999-41e2-8ae5-548910f6063fPost:6bb38537-8cd6-45a7-a20f-9f75b3a7a4d0">Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies? : Did I read that right?  A celebration a few months after their fake ceremony?  
    Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]

    Let's see, I forgot the word "not" and am going to a couple of parties I've been invited to. Yep, I guess just call me a rebel!
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  • hanahzhanahz
    10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_two-wedding-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:37693a10-4999-41e2-8ae5-548910f6063fPost:1a20a0ae-86c4-40ed-b19a-1dba2b0aebea">Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies? : My asking you if YOU liked the LOTR theme made you feel like an idiot? Why? I couldn't tell from your post whether it was you, your husband, or both of you that wanted the theme, so I asked and suggested an alternative. I don't see where in my post I made fun of your plans at all. I only asked questions to clarify. FWIW, I'm a live-and-let-live sort. If I had friends or family doing a LOTR themed wedding, I'd be there and be happy for them. I'd also be happy to be invited to a second celebration that looked like a wedding but wasn't actually the first time the couple said, "I do." Actually, I've been invited to two of those in the next six months. I plan to do my best to attend them both! Oh, and one has a reception that's quite a few months away from from their second I-do. I love them dearly and could care less how they choose to celebrate their union. It's not like I'm paying for it or plan to give them more than one gift.
    Posted by Julie2013[/QUOTE]

    It wasn't your post that made me feel like an idiot. I was replying to all of them at the same time and it just came off as it being yours. I get what you were saying and I was just answering it. But, we both agree on and love the idea. Thanks for your input.
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  • hanahzhanahz
    10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_two-wedding-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:37693a10-4999-41e2-8ae5-548910f6063fPost:476523ed-c3f1-4b6c-af9c-e806301d527a">Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies? : I'm so confused how my post made you feel like an idiot...?  I told you to have one wedding ceremony.  Easy peasy.
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

    It wasn't this post that made me feel this way. It was a feeling I got from reading all of the replies at the same time.
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  • hanahzhanahz
    10 Comments

    The idiot thing was not because of any one post. I was really wanting feedback on what to to. I don't understand how it was considered "grown up" to want to have a ceremony for us and one for others. I respect my family and my future husband enough to want them to get what they want out of my wedding as well as what I want. Sorry I am unselfish. I also know what a wedding is. I know that we do not need others there at all. This wouldn't make either of us happy. It wasn't about "getting two weddings" and I didn't mean it was an every day event that people had two weddings, just that I know for a fact that I am not the only one to ever consider this. I got what everyone was saying. It was the manner in which it was said that made me feel like I was being called an idiot.

    He is getting ready to be deployed for 9 months, I am under a lot of stress because of that and having to plan a wedding while he is gone. So I was reaching out for suggestions, not "No! You cannot do that!" I am a people pleaser, it is a problem of mine. It may come off as me being childish, but that is not who I am.

    Not because of any of this, but for those of you who are offended by the idea of a second wedding, there will not be one. We are going to have one ceremony.

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  • hanahzhanahz
    10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_two-wedding-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:37693a10-4999-41e2-8ae5-548910f6063fPost:3fd085cd-1252-4831-900d-58011554d811">Re:Two Wedding Ceremonies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, either call out the posts that DID make you feel like an idiot, or admit that none of us were the problem and it was simply you being sensitive to the fact that your idea got a nearly unanimous negative reaction.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    No. I am not going to call someone out. That is rude and I am not going to be like that. I wasn't being sensitive. You don't know me and you don't know my reasoning for any of this. If you are wanting me to say that it was you who made me feel this way, I am not going to give you that pleasure.

    I wish you the best and thank you for your time :)
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  • hanahzhanahz
    10 Comments
    edited September 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_two-wedding-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:37693a10-4999-41e2-8ae5-548910f6063fPost:e54dadbb-6da2-4e6b-84b8-a234feebfcb5">Re: Two Wedding Ceremonies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Here's what you do. Stop sharing your plans with other people.  Smile mysteriously and tell them the ceremony and reception will be special and a lot of fun. Then you won't get the negative commentary, and people will be surprised when they see your LOTR reception.  The ones who love LOTR (myself included) will be delighted.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    Thanks. That's a really good idea. I am glad you are a fan.
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  • hanahzhanahz
    10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_two-wedding-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:37693a10-4999-41e2-8ae5-548910f6063fPost:8eb62906-bf2b-4c78-846f-6ffb155f3eb7">Re:Two Wedding Ceremonies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]The grown up thing to do in pretty much any situation is to make a choice and accept the consequences of those choices. Being an adult is about making hard choices. Putting on a fake show do you can eat your cake and have it too is the opposite of mature. And, no, I don't actually want for you to tell me that I hurt your feelings. I do want you to stop vaugebooking like a high schooler and actually communicate like an adult or stop lobbing insults and accusations. But I also want a million dollars and my pyrotechnic license. I figure this post getting through to you has chances that fall somewhere between those two.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    I do get this post and ALL of the others before it. I see what everyone is saying and I did from the beginning. I am sorry that MY post caused this much of a problem. I know that it is about making hard choices. I made the choice to say "Yes" to a man who is getting ready to be deployed to Afghanistan for 9 months. Everyday I have to live with knowing that he is away for training and then will be away for actual deployment. Knowing what came with being with a guy like this and still choosing it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. But I love him and choosing this was better than not having him in my life at all. He is making a big sacrifice for me, and the rest of the country, I was just wanting him to get something back for it and have the wedding he wanted. I didn't mean to come of sounding like a high schooler. Sorry to burst you bubble about it getting through. Maybe your chances with your dreams are higher than you thought.
    Report Reply
  • Shlby81Shlby81
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_two-wedding-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:37693a10-4999-41e2-8ae5-548910f6063fPost:4bd05d69-2975-4248-9ec3-7cfd3f7073d8">Re:Two Wedding Ceremonies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Two Wedding Ceremonies? : No. I am not going to call someone out. That is rude and I am not going to be like that. I wasn't being sensitive. You don't know me and you don't know my reasoning for any of this. If you are wanting me to say that it was you who made me feel this way, I am not going to give you that pleasure. I wish you the best and thank you for your time :)
    Posted by hanahz[/QUOTE]



    Everyone has there opinions. Don't let them make you feel stupid. Do what you want. It's you wedding and if you want to ceremony's it's not like you're hurting anyon.
    Live life like its your last day!
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  • hanahzhanahz
    10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_two-wedding-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:37693a10-4999-41e2-8ae5-548910f6063fPost:1f19d0dc-c92d-488a-bfe0-7c84c58e5341">Re:Two Wedding Ceremonies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Two Wedding Ceremonies? : Everyone has there opinions. Don't let them make you feel stupid. Do what you want. It's you wedding and if you want to ceremony's it's not like you're hurting anyon.
    Posted by Shlby81[/QUOTE]

    Thank you :)
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