Second Weddings

Third Wife Reality...

Whew!  There have been quite a few posts with doubts about one's importance in new hubby's life that I decided to start a thread with a decidedly different twist/tone.  It's the beginning of a life together of happiness and bliss, rooted in reality.  Plain and simple.

H and I dated for 5 years before marrying.  One of the things I'd ask about is how he felt about going to the marriage rodeo for the 3rd time.  Here's the thing, I have always thought that it takes an incredible leap of faith to do what he's done -- get married after two divorces.  I have been flattered that he chose to marry me, after attempting this two times before.  I feel very special and have told him just that.

Last night, we were at dinner and I asked him if he thought I am his destiny (I can get soap operatic and mushy easily).  He paused and really thought about it.  His response was this: "I believe you are my one true love.  It just took me a while to find you."

Ladies ... who could ask for anything more??? This man makes my heart sing. We are both extremely fortunate to have found one another.  *\o/*

That is all.

Re: Third Wife Reality...

  • edited December 2011
    Mr. Lisa gets an A+.

    I have said before that one of the reasons I knew the DH was "the one" for me was that early on in dating, we had a conversation about accepting the reality that although things had ended badly in our first marriages, that there WERE happy times, there were loving, fun, joyful components that we were each going to value and treasure.  There were years of good times before the eventual implosion.   This was a hallmark for me, because it was something my parents had found very important in their second marriages to each other.  Both had been widowed previously, and it mattered to them that their second spouse was able to understand - both comprehend and empathize, without jealousy.  My mom often said that she admired how deeply my father loved his first wife.  She knew he loved her as well, although in a different (but equally strong) way. 

    Frankly, I think irrational jealousy is a sign of immaturity.  It could be that some of these posters we've seen are just incredibly young, either chronologically or emotionally.  They may be old enough & mature enough to get married, but I think that it takes something more to accept someone you love's past. 

    When I think of DH's first wife, I mostly am curious about her.  I kind of feel bad in some ways, that I am able to cherish someone so wonderful that she couldn't see right in front of her. 

    And I like what you wrote about destiny. I often have thought that DH and I were destined to be together, but that life's twists and turns had to occur to make our paths cross.  ~Donna
  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I often have thought that DH and I were destined to be together, but that life's twists and turns had to occur to make our paths cross

    Above is EXACTLY how I feel. It's funny, Kevin and I have spoken often about where we were in different years, wondering if it was ever possible to actually have been in the same place at the same time. Even though we are only about 6 months apart in age, he was in the Air Force for 22 years overseas and in the US, and it's unlikely we crossed paths.

    With the advantage of "Monday morning quarterbacking" we've discussed why his two prior marriages failed. Both times he was a lonely airman overseas feeling like he needed someone to make his life complete. Sadly he married 2 very different women quickly (the 2nd one Korean), and while he doesn't regret the marriages because he has 3 kids, he does have some regrets.

    For me, the "never married" mother of 2, in my youth I was probably a lot like the young women I see on the Knot. I expected to find my Prince Charming, and sadly he was always the same type: the type of guy I would have loved to have shown around to my old high school galpals...........you know, the good looking successful one. After ending my relationship with the last one like that (the father of my daughter), I spent 8 years alone, not dating, just concentrating on raising my two kids as well as possible.

    It took YEARS to understand the insecurity in myself that caused me to make such unwise partner decisions. But the bigger understanding came when I realized exactly WHAT was important..........the underlying "sameness" that needs to exist between 2 people that makes the rest of our lives compatible and happy. Also, what's worth fighting over and not fighting over. We have yet to have a fight. Not because (as was the reason many years ago for me) I'm afraid to strain the relationship to a breaking point. It's because I am mature enough to understand that giving in on whether the glasses/cups are stored right side up, or upside down, or changing meal/dinner habits, all these little things don't define ME or my partner choice.

    Kevin has almost moved in, he stayed here all this past week. He brought enough work clothes to last a week, because in the end there really is nothing keeping him at his old home other than the opportunity to see his year old granddaughter. It's the first time we've spent a week getting up together to start our work days (mine at home on the computer, his in rush hour traffic to his job). We've eaten breakfast together,  planned meals together, and all of this feels sooooooooo nice, LOL. He calls it "playing house". With the wedding 5 weeks from today we felt it was a good idea to start living that life.

    I'm not curious in the least about Kevin's ex wives. One passed away a couple of years ago (his first, mom to 2 of his kids), the other is a crazy Korean who ended up in the US by marrying a service man, then proceeded to work in massage parlors all over the area during his marriage. I have no curiousity whatsoever about THAT, LOL.

    Thanks for making me think so early in the morning ladies. Now, back to my regularly scheduled wedding planning and DIY projects, LOL.
  • edited December 2011
    I feel blessed to have been able to read the above and be able to turn to and learn from such wise women.  Thank you for always guiding in a kind way on this board.
    Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • ski2playski2play member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You ladies have certainly summed up how FI and I feel about getting married at this point in our lifes.  It is a second marriage to me (2 kids and 22 years of marriage) and  a first marriage for FI (he is 52 years old).  We both know that the wonderful parts of our lifes up to now we will always cherish and hold on to.

    We both know that we would not have looked twice at each other without the knowledge and wisdom that came from getting to where we both were at when we met.  The theme of being being alike in the way we feel and think about things is amazing.  I am sometimes amazed that as nice as FI is some other girl didn't snag him earlier in life.  When we have discussed this he indicates that "they were not the one", "I was waiting for the one, and you are it".......I have met the girl he lived with for 14+ years and she seems very nice, yet he never wanted to marry her.  How can a girl argue with that.

    Pure Bliss, happiness and oh my goodness, pinch me so I know I am not dreaming stuff!  You ladies are amazing.  Happy Day
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_third-wife-reality?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:6bbc06c3-56f9-4e18-816f-32c955be110fPost:599bfa48-ef81-4ccd-8e1e-7d6796a13708">Re: Third Wife Reality...</a>:
    [QUOTE]You ladies have certainly summed up how FI and I feel about getting married at this point in our lifes.  It is a second marriage to me (2 kids and 22 years of marriage) and  a first marriage for FI (he is 52 years old).  We both know that the wonderful parts of our lifes up to now we will always cherish and hold on to. We both know that we would not have looked twice at each other without the knowledge and wisdom that came from getting to where we both were at when we met.  The theme of being being alike in the way we feel and think about things is amazing.  I am sometimes amazed that as nice as FI is some other girl didn't snag him earlier in life.  When we have discussed this he indicates that "they were not the one", "I was waiting for the one, and you are it".......I have met the girl he lived with for 14+ years and she seems very nice, yet he never wanted to marry her.  How can a girl argue with that. <strong><font color="#0000ff">Pure Bliss, happiness and oh my goodness, pinch me so I know I am not dreaming stuff!</font></strong>  You ladies are amazing.  Happy Day
    Posted by ski2play[/QUOTE]

    *pinch* It IS good stuff and that's why I wrote this post. H (Mr. Lisa as Donna now calls him) and I talked about so much before dipping our toes into the water of potential matrimony. We don't have any doubts. We just have fun ... and look forward to growing old together. 

    Next, planning the honeymoon. Italy in May. Oooo, la la!
  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you ever decide to dump Mr. Lisa, please send him my way  :-) 

    I can't speak with a great amount of authority on this, as DH wasn't married before.  But I am so happy that there are men who, even though this isnt' their first rodeo, they're ready to get back in the saddle again!!! 

    However, I actually asked DH the first night we met (have I told you I had 30 first dates in less than 2 years, and only 2 second dates?) when he told me he'd never been married before:  What's wrong with you?  HIs response was classic Todd: I couldn't ask a woman to deal with my military service.  Whatever.  I responded: You just haven't met the right woman.   Now he agrees with me.  It took us a while to find one another, but we finally did. 

    And I'm not sure about these other women, other than what has been stated before.  I think they're probably immature, AND have low self-esteem.  But here's the real deal here, kids: I believe that you learn from each person who is placed into your life.  Some of these lessons aren't easy, but they're lessons, nonetheless.  So, my first H was there to make me learn some things about myself, and to grow as a person, to figure out exactly WHAT I am capable of, before meeting current DH.   Truthfully, I expected to be a military wife, and not to have to work outside the home again.  When first H was injured, and I had to step up to take the breadwinner role (contrary to popular belief, an Army pension, even in the case of a medical discharge, is practically nothing), it taught me more about myself than I could ever have imagined. There is NO WAY I would have thought of myself chasing drug dealers and hookers in and out of crack houses in DC and FL if I hadn't had to do all that.  I'm waaaaaaay tougher than I thought I could ever be.  So, in closing, these women need to learn a lot.  And we're here to show them the way.   Well, maybe.  Or at least try. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • clp01usaclp01usa member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Lisa - sweet post, thank you for sharing your feelings. 
  • cincychick35cincychick35 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for posting this.  MY FI has been married 3 times before (I am wife #4).  Anyway, he is not the most lovey, dovey, mushy person in the world.  But he did tell me recently that I might have not been his first choice (back then), but I am (finally) the right choice.  I thought that was sweet.
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_third-wife-reality?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:6bbc06c3-56f9-4e18-816f-32c955be110fPost:2277556d-f87f-43d6-9058-c97d29eb2544">Re: Third Wife Reality...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for posting this.  MY FI has been married 3 times before (I am wife #4).  Anyway, he is not the most lovey, dovey, mushy person in the world.  But he did tell me recently that I might have not been his first choice (back then), <font color="#0000ff"><strong>but I am (finally) the right choice.</strong></font>  I thought that was sweet.
    Posted by cincychick35[/QUOTE]

    Awww ... that made me sigh.  Seriously, it is wonderfully sweet.  Peace!
  • edited December 2011
    DH and I dated when we were 19.  We didn't see each other again until 12 years later.  We used to talk a lot about how life would have been different if he hadn't dumped me then (LOL, I get good mileage out of that :-P), but we both honestly believe this is the life we were meant to live.  Without those 12 years apart, we wouldn't have the strong stable life we have now.  We wouldn't appreciate one another in the same way. We wouldn't have the two wonderful children that share our life and make our family what it is.  Quite simply, we just wouldn't be us. 






  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_third-wife-reality?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:6bbc06c3-56f9-4e18-816f-32c955be110fPost:3a64131e-b775-4399-b38f-d67ca5a4f5a1">Re: Third Wife Reality...</a>:
    [QUOTE]DH and I dated when we were 19.  We didn't see each other again until 12 years later.  We used to talk a lot about how life would have been different if he hadn't dumped me then (LOL, I get good mileage out of that :-P), but we both honestly believe this is the life we were meant to live.  Without those 12 years apart, we wouldn't have the strong stable life we have now.  We wouldn't appreciate one another in the same way. We wouldn't have the two wonderful children that share our life and make our family what it is.  Quite simply, we just wouldn't be us. 
    Posted by lindaloulubbock[/QUOTE]

    Amen!
  • JoyNJosh14JoyNJosh14 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'll always have a problem with feeling like I'm competing with the first wife.  He's been married before...and I havent.  I didn't start out trying to up one with his previous wedding but I can already feel like I'm gonna be doing that soon.  He's reassured me over and over, "it's OUR wedding day...it's going to be wonderful....its not about how much money you spend, not at all.  It's about the heart the couple puts into the wedding and the little things they notice ....and how happy we are together"  Sounds perfect, right?  But I still cant seem to help how I feel Undecided
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