How to ask the ring bearer

ditsyblonde69 · September 2010

Hi everyone,
I have kind of an awkward situation with my ring bearer. My FI and I have never met him! He's the son of my FIL's neighbors. Neither of us have any kids in our families, so we asked his parents neighbors. ( I know you don't have to have one, but I really wanted one!) I felt like I was inconveniencing strangers, but I heard that most people want their kids to be in a wedding because it's cute, so we hoped they're be excited about it. My FI's dad already broke the ice for us, since it's his neighbors, and My FI talked with them on the phone. They actually are really excited about it! So that's good. But they haven't said anything to the boy, they're letting us ask him, which we're going to do tonight at their house.

So that leads me to my question:How do I ask a 5 year old boy, who's never met me, to be my ring bearer? He's going to be like "who the hell are you?". I bought the "10 cool things about being a ring bearer" book, and I'm going to explain what an important job it is and try to get him excited about it. I thought about saying that he's like the "security guard" for the rings. What else can I say that would make it sound cool, or less awkward? I'm not real good with kids. I end up sounding like a dork.
I appreciate the advice!
P.S. If you're wondering about the flower girl, that's a lot less awkward. I have a friend with a daughter.

frogurt814 · September 2010

This all seems very strange to me.

H and I did not have any young boys to ask as a ring bearer, or young girls for a flower girl so we simply didn't have either.

I really do not know why you would want to have a stranger in your wedding. I really don't think the little boy will have any idea what a ring bearer (even after you read him the book.) I guess you are too far into it now to back out, but this seems just really strange to me.

Other than saying "will you be our ring bearer" I really don't know what else you would say to him.

frogurt814 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ask-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:af86fe1e-9be2-407a-b2d3-faf84f120416Post:68fc021f-6f45-44d9-99ab-790f27de8312">How to ask the ring bearer</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone, I have kind of an awkward situation with my ring bearer. My FI and I have never met him! He's the son of my FIL's neighbors. Neither of us have any kids in our families, so we asked his parents neighbors. ( I know you don't have to have one, but I really wanted one!) I felt like I was inconveniencing strangers, but I heard that most people want their kids to be in a wedding because it's cute, so we hoped they're be excited about it. My FI's dad already broke the ice for us, since it's his neighbors, and My FI talked with them on the phone. They actually are really excited about it! So that's good. But they haven't said anything to the boy, they're letting us ask him, which we're going to do tonight at their house. So that leads me to my question: How do I ask a 5 year old boy, who's never met me, to be my ring bearer? He's going to be like "who the hell are you?". I bought the "10 cool things about being a ring bearer" book, and I'm going to explain what an important job it is and try to get him excited about it. I thought about saying that he's like the "security guard" for the rings. What else can I say that would make it sound cool, or less awkward? I'm not real good with kids. I end up sounding like a dork. I appreciate the advice! P.S. If you're wondering about the flower girl, that's a lot less awkward. I have a friend with a daughter.
Posted by ditsyblonde69[/QUOTE]

mbcdefg · September 2010

I'm still really confused as to why you asked a random kid to be your ring bearer just for the sake of having one. What do you think would've happened to your wedding day had you not had a ring bearer? Your screen name seems pretty appropriate here.

Anyway, all you can do is just ask him in person. "Hi, kid, would you like to be a ring bearer in my wedding?" I don't think there's really any way to make this less awkward, because it's just an awkward situation you've created here. The best I can think of would be for you to spend a little time with this kid to get to know him better.

If he's shy or confused and doesn't want to do it, well, that's just par for the course because you're a stranger to him. Don't take it personally, and don't try to find some other random kid to fill the role. Just go without a ring bearer.

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

Your wedding is not a theatrical production. It's not like you're casting for The Wiz and suddenly find yourself without a Dorothy. The ring bearer is an optional role, designed to recognize a child who (and pay attention because this bit is important) is important to the couple. Just as many weddings these days seem to skip child attendants as have them. Even had we been close to any kids of the proper age (I suppose we probably could have asked DH's stepbrother's stepdaughter), I doubt we would have opted to have them.

I have to ditto malphabet, there's no way to make this less awkward because it's a situation that's already inherently very, very awkward.

ETA: You also don't have to have a ring bearer just because you have a flower girl, assuming that this friend's daughter is also someone you know and have cultivated a relationship rather than just someone you know of who's the right age.

frogurt814 · September 2010

I'm still have serious WTF moments about this. Ridiculous.

eshaufle · September 2010

I think he seems unnecessary especially since you don't know him. If you knew him and he was a close family friend it wouldn't be so awkward but if you've never met him it seems a little like you're using him as a prop.

Either way, I didn't really ask my goddaughter to be my flower girl. Kids are too young to comprehend those things so I asked her mom and then told her she got to wear a pretty dress in my wedding....she was completely oblivious to the wedding but she did understand "pretty dress". Besides that, I think the concept gets a little lost.

trix1223 · September 2010

Sorry. I think it's weird, and can't really find a way to make it easy for you to ask a total stranger, child or not, to be a member of your WP.

mkrupar · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ask-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:af86fe1e-9be2-407a-b2d3-faf84f120416Post:6634b038-c22b-46c3-b096-ec4a3534a5e1">Re: How to ask the ring bearer</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry. I think it's weird, and can't really find a way to make it easy for you to ask a total stranger, child or not, to be a member of your WP.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

Ditto Trix on this one. I have no advice because I think this is one of the strangest things I've ever heard. We have 6 nieces, and 4 nephews, between the two of us, and we're not going to have ANY of them.

ditsyblonde69 · September 2010

Wow! I wasn't expecting that response! I know it's a little different, but there's no need to attack me personally. My screen name is a joke. Lighten up. I had a 4.0 in college and am now a highly paid business professional. His parents are really excited about their son having this opportunity. I know I don't HAVE to have one, I just think it's cute. And he will not just be a "prop". He's going to be very involved and feel special and important.

trix1223 · September 2010

Just curious: You don't even know this kid: how do you "know" that he'll feel special and important? And how, other than having him walk down the aisle, stand during the ceremony, and walk back out will he be any more involved than any other RB?

Sorry, your follow-up didn't change my mind. It's still a goofy idea.

ETA: I'm imagining conversations at the reception:

Guest: "So, little RB, how do you know Ditsyblonde?"
RB: "Who?"

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

Usually what makes the kid feel very special and important is that they're serving an important role for someone they love. Not for a stranger.

kimp67 · September 2010

No attack here, but I agree with the pps, why do you want a stranger in your wedding?

azureori · September 2010

Does it matter. It's her wedding she can do what she wants. Just becuase you don't agree doesn't mean you need to question her on her choices. She's asking for help, not asking for your opinion.

@ditsy- Since he doesn't know you, make sure you ask him in front of his parents so he can feel comfortable. Then just ask him, making sure to tell him in detail what he will be doing so he understands.

banana468 · September 2010

Azureori, doesn't it work the same way? Likewise other posters can say that you don't need to give your opinion either.

The message boards are open forums where anyone can post as long as it's within the rules of TK. And sometimes people may not answer the exact question but they will be helping the OP with their answers. Sometimes the best advice out there isn't answering the question but offering other suggestions.

bablingbrooke · September 2010

Do you really want to look back at your wedding photos and wonder why you asked a kid you don't know to be in the wedding? Just don't have a RB. They are completely unnecessary.

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