I'm going to be THAT FMIL! (long, VERY long)

Re: I'm going to be THAT FMIL! (long, VERY long)

• Maggie0829 member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  As far as where to start...you have the date down (but it may change like you said) so the next thing would be to find a venue.  The bride to be should also make a list of what things are most important to her going down to what is least important.  This will help to decide where to spend the money and where to hold off till the end to see what you have left.
  
  I think it is great that you want to help!  Also, you already know that you don't want to step on others toes and you know that this isn't about you this is about your son and FDIL...so kudoos there
  
  Next (after the must have/do not care list) start making an invite list.  Since you are contributing money you have some say in who you may want to invite.  (On a side note, I think it was very rude that your other FDIL wouldn't allow you to invite anyone.  I know that money rules but really I just think that is silly.  My FI parents are paying for anything and I still asked for a list from them...to me what she did was a little selfish.)  Anyhoo...make the invite list then come back to it after a day or two and start cutting people or adding people because you will always forget some one and you will also realize that there are some that really don't need to be invited.
  
  The venue is probably the most important thing because this will allow you to officially set a date and then you can start hiring your other vendors (photog, florist, cake, etc)
  
  Finally, BREATHE!!!  The wedding is not till 2013 so you have PLENTY of time.  For the next year just do some brainstorming, look through magazines, create a wish list, and make sure to write down things that you like and don't like  as far as colors or decor.
  
  Starting the planning process is the hardest because it seems so overwhelming but trust me, once the big vendors are taken care of there will be a lot of down time until you get closer to the big day.
  
  Good luck!

  
  

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• regfalange

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  Start by asking her what she wants, colors/theme/food and build from there.  Once you get those answers, look some things up and present them to her.  If you are a huge DIYer it shouldn't be hard.  TK has lists of things you need to do and you can follow that, or just look at it to get ideas to make your own list.  It sounds like it should be a piece of cake for you!  I wish I had a mom with time and skills to DIY like you!
  
  Good luck, and I'm sure the wedding will be perfect and beautiful!
  

  Celebrate we will, cause life is short but sweet for certain....

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• rAinyDayZ3

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  Hi Maggie,
  
  Thanks for that reply - appreciated! 
  
  The main reasons I was posting now for the "whats/whens/wheres/hows" was due to the fact that we've got the "military clause" hanging over the kids.  I was curious about how that works for the girls who are planning weddings with deployments and assignments and happened to read that it is crucial to get a "Military Clause" written into contracts with different vendors.  (Never would have thought of anything like that either, and I'm 100% sure my FDIL & Son wouldn't either).  Yup - that's on my "list".. *laughing*
  
  I also know that yeah, she and I could do emails and chats - but personally - I prefer to talk to her over things in person. 
  
  As you can see by everything I've written, I tend to really not come off too well - whether sarcasm, humor, OR overbearing - by writing.  Person to person discussions would be MUCH better, then I will temper myself correctly and truly NOT be "that" MIL!  BUT - person to person discussions will be at the most about once every 6-8 weeks.  I don't go up to our Phx house that often, not with the kids renting it and the other roommates there. 
  
  And for my other FDIL, I understand where she was coming from.  As I said, yes, I was hurt.  But she has been wonderful about including me on everything and I love it! 
  
  Thanks again for the reply!
  RD
  

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  There is a message board for Military Brides under the "Special Topic Wedding Boards" which may be helpful in getting ideas or opinions etc about planning a wedding when one is in the military.  They may be able to tell you more about what exactly should be included in your contracts and such.

  
  

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• Caroli1210

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  I think it's awesome that you're so supportive. It sounds like she definitely asked for your help but I would make sure she knows that you understand and her (and your son's) wedding. It might be a good idea to get a planner or start using TK checklists. Whether the budget is $2500 or $5000 or more, you can make it work- it's just about priorities. To be honest, I would skip the engagement photographs if you're thinking about professional pictures. When the wedding is over, you're more excited about the actual wedding pictures and having those. That money would probably better allocated to something else.
  The majority of the budget goes toward food and alcohol and reception costs so the best way to keep costs down is to keep your invite list in check.
  Good luck!
  PS- if she's interested, I would  make sure to try and involve the bride's mom as well. Even though they may not be able to contribute financially, you don't want to step on her toes or hurt her feelings.

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• LoveMuffins member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  I think that you should also check out the Budget board on here which is a great resource, as is the DIY board so that you can see what other brides are doing for their projects. There were some details that I didn't even think about until i looked at those boards.
  
  As for the money contribution, i would probably tell the bride the set amount that you can contribute, that way she can put all the money together and figure out how to allocate it - 80% reception/food, 2% DJ, 5% photographer, etc. I bought a Wedding Organizer from a book store and it had a really good breakdown of what percentage of the budget is supposed to go to what, and I think the knot has one online as well.
  
  Once she knows what her budget is, she can start figuring out what's most important to her - and i agree with PPs, in the grand scheme of things I think you guys are going to decide that professional engagement photos don't rank up with thinks like food choices for the guest, dj, wedding photos, etc. You've got plenty of time so the best thing right now is to figure out the budget stuff so that you know what you're looking at
  
  good luck!

  Rocking the Dress with my Bestie
  
  
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• AdeleDazeem member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  I think you sound very sweet and caring, honestly.
  
  Set a budget.  Set a guest list.  Start with these first.
  
  Go venue shopping, see what you can afford that will hold all the guests.
  
  Get a color scheme, pick some flowers, remember an officiant, and many photographers include engagements photos in their wedding packages!
  
  Check out the budget board!
  
  Also - I would get a handle on how much or how little her mother is going to be involved.  When I was planning my wedding, had my mother in law come in with guns blazing, I would have been really ticked off.  We certainly asked her about guests, food, alcohol, etc ... but the "vision" of the day was all my fiance and me.  Wedding dress shopping was my mom, grandmom and sister.  I didn't feel the need to include her more than that and my mother would have been hurt had my mother in law just jumped right in.  I know her mother is sick, but be delicate with the mother/daughter/wedding relationship.  It can be sticky.

  
  

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• steffenfam member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  First, you need to discuss the total budget.  Sit down with the couple and say you are contributing $2,500...will they be contributing as well?  Or is $2,500 the limit?
  
  Next, I would ask them what their vision is?  You mentioned a tent in the backyard, but is that what they want?  Then figure out, will the wedding take place in Tucson or Phoenix?  Next, come up with an approximate number of guests, is it 75?  100?  More?  Then comes searching for venues that fit within the budget.  Many venue costs are based on number of guests, so you need an idea before searching.
  
  These are the first steps anyway.  And as PP said, a wedding planner book would be helpful too.  Hope this helps.  Good luck!

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• rAinyDayZ3

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  
  Hi ladies,
  
  I'll try and reply here to everyone!
  
  First - those who mentioned how involved her mom will be.  Absolutely - I agree 100%.   I would not do anything on my own at all for the kids without making sure FDIL discusses things with her mom FIRST.
  
  Unfortunately, her mom "C", doesn't know until an hour or so before something - if she is going to be able to go/attend, etc.  She often will have to cancel due to her illness. (her spine/hips are in bad shape, she walks permanently hunched over almost like she is curled up).  When her mom does have good days, she usually spends it sitting in her yard with her plants.  I actually mentioned something to C about "growing some beautiful flowers for the wedding" - she has an awesome green thumb.  So FDIL's mom participation is hit and miss; most likely we will take projects over to her parents house and work on any DIY stuff there so her mom DOES feel included (even though C already admitted she isn't "into doing stuff like that") - but at least we will have her included on conversations!!
  
  So you see - even to look at Venues, it is nye to impossible to actually plan; and most likely I would be the one accompanying her.  Now - would I ask her mom to go?  Absolutely.  Would she go?  We wouldn't know til we might be on our way to pick her up in the morning - and then she could decline.
  
  Time - I actually work about 60-70 hours a week.  Telecommute so I'm online basically from 4am til 8pm.  Wish I got paid by the hour!  LOL... My FDIL just got a new position, and will now work weekends.  If I take off - I take off weekends.  I *can* take off other days - but not without a lot of planning.  So time-wise to do everything, get together, that's why I mentioned only really seeing each other in person every 6-8 weeks or so.  Right now basically, I have no free time until October.  (especially with my other son's wedding in Sept & the project I'm working on for their wedding)  I'll see FDIL last weekend in July when Son comes home - but only for a day and we'll be busy with planning his grad & belated surprise bday party. 
  
  Engagement Photos... okay, those aren't necessary. 
  
  Total Budget - well, now, let's just say - the 2500 is probably going to be the budget; at the most there may be another 1000.  Anything else will be above & beyond, but basic budget is going to be this *first*.  So we are going to really be creative with everything in DIY'ing.
  
  Vision - from what I could gather, what was just tossed around during a 4 hour car trip..  Son wants this lavish thing - he can't afford it & neither can we.  FDIL wants something backyard style picnic, bbq.  Son has visions of grandeur; FDIL brings him back to earth.  (thank heavens).  Son has some very wealthy friends who are planning their wedding, so as much as I love my son, he needs a reality check.  Thankfully FDIL gets it.  The only reason I mentioned having a tented reception - was because of the less expensive cost, (possibly) .  I was just tossing out ideas... LOL.
  
  This FDIL is a flip-flops kind of girl, laid back, very non-showy type of girl.  Though, I actually got her to agree to not wearing flipflips under her gown.. it's a Joke between her and I.  She wears flipflips in 2' of snow, and I tease her about it.  Memorial Day at our picnic, she wanted to take a picture of everyone together, I said.. "nope, you know I don't do pictures"... she blurts out..  "I won't wear flipflops at my wedding"...  I got in the picture!  So now I've got her in front of her mom and dad saying that.. *laughing*
  
  I hope that answered everything so far everyone put forth! 
  
  
  

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• rAinyDayZ3

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-going-fmil-long-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:da296cdb-6a86-4fe1-8304-8a569934c53bPost:3a8a1e50-2655-42af-ab82-c1d933aa4b65">Re: I'm going to be THAT FMIL! (long, VERY long)</a>:
  [QUOTE] I would get a handle on how much or how little her mother is going to be involved.  When I was planning my wedding, had my mother in law come in with guns blazing, I would have been really ticked off.  We certainly asked her about guests, food, alcohol, etc ... but the "vision" of the day was all my fiance and me.  Wedding dress shopping was my mom, grandmom and sister.  I didn't feel the need to include her more than that and my mother would have been hurt had my mother in law just jumped right in.  I know her mother is sick, but be delicate with the mother/daughter/wedding relationship.  It can be sticky.
  Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
  
  Joy - <em><strong>Absolutely agree with you here.</strong></em> Specifically why I quoted this portion.  I do not want to do this.  I cannot stand reading how other MILs are doing this to brides-to-be here on the forums - but also coming from the MOG perspective, it's hurtful to see how some brides-to-be don't like their FMIL's.  It's always a sticky situation.
  
  I want the kids to have THEIR vision - but to be able to help create it in a way that is budget friendly.  (I'm probably failing here at trying to explain myself!) So.. for an example..  say the kids want real flower centerpieces...  but the expense is very high - however, you can find very cheap DIY materials at craft stores..  I'd like to be able to show them and point them in this direction as an alternate.  However, her mom has a beautiful garden when she is able - so it is possible her mom would take that one - but due to her health, we would need a backup.  So instead, maybe her mom does bouquets for everyone? 

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• lynxbbgirl member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  First, Congrats on the upcoming wedding! The first thing I would look at is what would change that date? Do they need to look at the plans possibly changing and just aim for another date in general? It would be the easiest to have a set date, and then to roll with the plans from there.
  
  I honestly don’t think the "he who pays, has a say" deal works, but that’s just me. I know in my planning I have asked people what they think who haven’t put in a single cent.  I would say if you think you can afford 2,500. Tell the kids that you are planning on 2,000 to help them (trust me, coming from the grooms side this is amazing!) and anything else you can get you will help (this way if you don’t make it to the 2,500 they aren’t counting on it).  Also, look into what you and your side of the family are responsible for (rehearsal dinner, minister, etc…) this will help you budget the funds a bit better.

  When my brother got married 18 months ago, my mom was VERY hurt in the planning process. My sil was no good at talking about what was happening, her mom and her took care of everything, to the point the day of we (I was a bm) and the family had NO idea what was going on. Because I know how much this hurt my mom, I know what to look for when I am working on my planning, because I know what hurt her the last time. If your son knows about the wedding later this year and how much you were hurt, maybe you could just let him know, “hey I know it is your day, but if you don’t mind I would really like to invite Mr. and Mrs. X”. Honestly though, you are so far out it might be too soon for this chat and you may what to wait until a later date. 

  If the mother if very sick, I would expect they would look to have the wedding closer to her family, do not let this offend you, just understand that is what needs to happen. The best thing you can do for not wanting to step on toes is to let her know that if fdil needs anything in general and for the wedding to let you know. That you will be there to help as much as possible and are very willing. But make sure you say it only once of twice, after that it sounds naggy
  
  2. OK GRABBING THE LEASH!!!!!!!

  You guys cannot plan ANYTHING until the basics are figured out, location, colors, DATE. These are all the first things to start with (date first). If they find an area they really love, then it is easier if the date isn’t set so it can change if the location isn’t open. 

  After that, you guys can slowly (SLOWLY) start working on things, esp if you are 2 years (ish) out.

  
  A. Honestly, even though the knot is a great tool (has she registered? If not she may want to) I would still go out and buy a small wedding planner from the local bookstore. It is nice to have something in print and another way to view things. The one I bought was $15 and has helped out greatly. Also, most of us have no idea where to start when planning a wedding. It is one of those things you figure out as you go and talk to literally as many people as possible about what are good/ bad ideas, what they have tried before, what they have seen, was to good/ bad (another area where TK comes into play)

  As far as the NG, that is something I think your son needs to talk to his superiors about. My brother was in the air force and almost was not able to come home (he was stateside) for HIS WEDDING, you wanna talk about stress….

   

  B.  This goes back to looking at what you and the family are responsible for. BUT if you want them to have something they have not planned for (photos) and do not have the funds for, and you really, really, really just gotta have it. Then I think you and hubby are responsible for helping out in the cost. But if you talk to them and they agree, then let it go and they can deal with it (unless you feel as though they need help later on, then by all means… )
  
  C. What is her style? What does she want her wedding to be like? Start looking at pictures together. What does she like/ dislike? If you are able to sit down and help you will be able to remember better than her, because as a bride you see soooo many things and cannot remember everything you just LOVED. But also remember things can change so I wouldn’t start doing too much now because in a year, she may not like it any more (or things may change, guest numbers, location, etc…).  Also, as you are going through, take notes, print off pages, if she loves the way a cake looks tear it out. Make a folder for her now to keep everything together (it really helps).
  
  
  Last Factor:

  Tell her you want this day to be everything she and your son want it to be, and you will help in anyway possible, that you will try not to step on her toes and if you do, she needs to let you know then, not later. That if she likes something, then be able to speak up for herself. Sometimes it is hard for people to work through it, but I think you have more than enough time!  
  
  A few last hints:

  -          Tell her not to pick her bridal party until 6-8 months before the wedding (trust me here)

  -          I think it is awesome that you are playing a role in the wedding. From someone who’s FMIL walked away and refuses to come because her druggie brother wasn’t invited, I know how much that would help to have one more person on your side. And for that I thank you from a bride who knows how it feels to not have that. Please continue to be there for her, even if you not always agree with what they are doing.

  -          Make to do list as you ladies go, include things to look at and places to go, it really will help

  -          With flowers (if you are doing fresh) look at places you may not think of. At a flower shop the basics where over $1000 for my flowers and I would have to add on to that, at the local supermarket still having them done, everything is $750.  

  -          Also look other places for better deals, avoid packages with the word “wedding” as there is a markup, maybe look at a local college for photographers (you will be surprised).

  -          Hmmm I think that is all I came up with for now

  (sorry this was sooo long!!)

  

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• amanda52602 member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  I think the ladies covered everything here...i just want to say wow...there are so many of us who would love to have a mother let alone a FMIL like you! You are amazing as well and I wanted to point that out...I am so happy you love your FDIL and see how wonderful she is...but like i said i wanted to take a minute and point out your amazingness too...just wow...the wedding will be beautiful and i wish you all luck!

  "I married the love of my life!"

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