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Moms and Maids

problems with mom

Hi everyone!
     I recently got engaged to my highschool sweetheart. We've been friends for 9 years and dating for 6. When we announce our engagment, my mom didn't seem to happy. For a few days after we barely spoke, which is hard since I still live with her. It's sort of a hit or miss, somedays she talks a lot other days she doesn't talk heardly at all to me and doesn't want to be around me. She seems to get really quiet whenI bring up anything about the wedding. It's becoming very frustrating, since I'll bring something up and she acts like she doesn't care, which is odd since she has always been so supportive growing up.  Whenever I talk about my ideas she either cuts them down, calling them weird or not the traditional way people do things, or just doesn't speak. She considers herself open minded but the more I plan the wedding, the more close minded and old fashioned she's becoming, like she doesn't believe in when the bride and groom shove cake in each others faces as an example. Plus on top of it all, she very much dislikes my FMIL for reasons I don't even know. They have spoken to each other maybe once, and my FMIL is an easy person to like. I want to invite my FMIL to help pick out a dress since she onyl has a son and wants to be involved, but my mom thinks its not her place to be involved in the planning, but I'm doing the planning and paying for almost everything! I really don't know what to do! I've been so sad, but my fiance tells me not to worry, it's our wedding, we will do what we want to do.

Re: problems with mom

  • lsclark8910lsclark8910 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    that sounds like my mom too. all she talks about is how we should be doing it where they live. She cuts me off when I talk about any details even though she is asking me about. I just told her and all she wants to talk about is how much money I'm wasting. and how I don't know anything about weddings and being married. (I'm 27 almost 28 years old and we've been living together for over a year.)
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  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You just got engaged, so it could be a little bit of a shock to your mother. Give her some time to let it sink in. 

    How old are you? Are you done with college or have a steady job, etc? Not asking to be nosy or judgy, but these could all be reasons that are behind your mom's attitude. If she thinks you are too young or "not ready" that could be another reason why. 

    Does she like your FI? Yet another reason she could be this way. He has been in your life for a long time, so I feel like you would have noticed that she wasn't fond of him by now and that you would have mentioned that in your post, but I thought I'd ask. 

    It also seems like your mom may feel a little jealousy or possessiveness towards your FMIL. Are you really close with her? Your mom may wish the two of you were closer. She may feel like going with you to pick out dresses is "her" thing, but you can have whoever you want there and anyone can help you with involvement or planning. Yes, there are traditional roles, but if you are paying for most of the wedding yourself, then I don't think that necessarily applies. 

    Your FI is right: If she isn't paying, she doesn't have to like your ideas. The two of you just have to live with the fact that she disapproves of certain things about your wedding. At the end of the day, you have to decide what is more important: doing the cake shoving or having your mom's approval? Totally your call. I personally think that is a trivial issue and she'd get over it, but the same applies to the overall aspect of you getting married in the first place. 

    GL
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  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
  • edited December 2011
    I will be a woman of few words today...

    Don't allow someone else to control your happiness.  It's yours.
    She doesn't have to like your FMIL, but she does have to get along with her
                     in polite company.  Dress buying is a lovely place to practice.
    If you don't want to hear her negative opinions...don't tell her stuff.
    Cake smashing is ridiculous, childish and borderline agressive in a bad way.
                     It is not cute, funny or precious in any way shape or form.  It's not.
                     I told my daughter that that was my one absolute if she wanted us
                     to pay.  Fortunately, she was raised better than that.
    Give her time to get used to the idea of marriage...it may work itself out.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:751e016f-c46e-43e3-9598-b6d8023318bbPost:05e9f7eb-1314-4272-b088-18b11d1dc236">problems with mom</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi everyone!      I recently got engaged to my highschool sweetheart. We've been friends for 9 years and dating for 6. When we announce our engagment, my mom didn't seem to happy. For a few days after we barely spoke, which is hard since I still live with her. It's sort of a hit or miss, somedays she talks a lot other days she doesn't talk heardly at all to me and doesn't want to be around me. She seems to get really quiet whenI bring up anything about the wedding. It's becoming very frustrating, since I'll bring something up and she acts like she doesn't care, which is odd since she has always been so supportive growing up.  Whenever I talk about my ideas she either cuts them down, calling them weird or not the traditional way people do things, or just doesn't speak. She considers herself open minded but the more I plan the wedding, the more close minded and old fashioned she's becoming, <strong>like she doesn't believe in when the bride and groom shove cake in each others faces as an example</strong>. Plus on top of it all, she very much dislikes my FMIL for reasons I don't even know. They have spoken to each other maybe once, and my FMIL is an easy person to like. I want to invite my FMIL to help pick out a dress since she onyl has a son and wants to be involved, but my mom thinks its not her place to be involved in the planning, but I'm doing the planning and paying for almost everything! I really don't know what to do! I've been so sad, but my fiance tells me not to worry, it's our wedding, we will do what we want to do.
    Posted by jhedge[/QUOTE]

    A lot of people don't "believe in that." A lot of people think it's stupid and immature.
  • jhedgejhedge member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for the input everyone! To the seconds responder; I am 24 years old and work as a nurse. I am also currently in school with just this year left. I am sort of close the FMIL, but not as close as my mom.  I really think she things I'm too young. Unfortunately I don't think she's ready to let go, since I am the only child of hers that she no longer has to take care of and getting married. My other sisters are mentally handicapped so she has always had todo things for them and she will always have to take caare of them. So I think that is hard for her. I think she doesn't want to let go and she wants some kind of control and she is having possibly a control issue. She is on and off with liking my fiance. One day she likes him and has no problems but some days she dislikes him and won't talk to him either. It's all so confusing. I will be inviting my FMIL to look at dresses since those two are going to have to be nice since they will have to share.

    An as for the cake shoving I really don't want cake in my nose! Laughing
  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:751e016f-c46e-43e3-9598-b6d8023318bbPost:32deb281-a6f6-4ef4-a090-96d870d6fb05">Re: problems with mom</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the input everyone! To the seconds responder; I am 24 years old and work as a nurse. I am also currently in school with just this year left. I am sort of close the FMIL, but not as close as my mom.  I really think she things I'm too young. Unfortunately<strong> I don't think she's ready to let go</strong>, since I am the only child of hers that she no longer has to take care of and getting married. My other sisters are mentally handicapped so she has always had todo things for them and she will always have to take caare of them. So I think that is hard for her. I think she doesn't want to let go and she wants some kind of control and she is having possibly a control issue. She is on and off with liking my fiance. One day she likes him and has no problems but some days she dislikes him and won't talk to him either. It's all so confusing. I will be inviting my FMIL to look at dresses since those two are going to have to be nice since they will have to share. An as for the cake shoving I really don't want cake in my nose!
    Posted by jhedge[/QUOTE]

    I was wondering if your mom just doesn't want to let go.  Do you help her with your sisters?  When you are married will she be caring for them alone?

    I'm wondering if that big picture in her head may be to blame for her reactions.  Does she feel like she is losing you as well as losing the support you give?  That's huge.  Why don't you just sit down with her when you are both in a good mood and ask her about her emotions in this.  Then....LISTEN.  Don't interrupt, don't tell her she is wrong.  Listen to her.  If these are her fears, talk it out with her and tell her it is important to you that she help you plan and to shop for your dress.

    Flipside - if none of that is what is bothering her, I would say don't talk about the wedding around her and you and FI take it from here.
  • HandBananaHandBanana member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    The whole smashing cake in each others faces is normally the precursor to your first fight as man and wife. 

    As RetretedBride says, feeding each other cake is symbolic of your promise to love and care for one another and your relationship.  Smashing it in each others face as though it were some type of king of the mountain fight just looks childish.
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  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:751e016f-c46e-43e3-9598-b6d8023318bbPost:ea7e8000-4cb4-4067-a944-0b99cd7392c5">Re: problems with mom</a>:
    [QUOTE]The whole smashing cake in each others faces <strong>is normally the precursor to your first fight as man and wife.</strong>  As RetretedBride says, feeding each other cake is symbolic of your promise to love and care for one another and your relationship.  Smashing it in each others face as though it were some type of king of the mountain fight just looks childish.
    Posted by HandBanana[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think this is a sweeping generalization. Not necessarily. Only if one was against it and the other did it anyway. </div><div>
    </div><div>Some people think it's childish and that's fine. People can think what they want about it and certainly do not have to smash cake. FI and I will not be doing it. Others want to do it and enjoy it with no repercussions. Whatevs. </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
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