Wedding Party

Mom and Step-mom tension.

So my parents have been divorced since I was really young and both remarried their current spouses when I was in middle school. I feel very close to my mom and my stepmom both, and I want to include both of them in the planning process.

The other day when we were shopping for my bridal gown the other day I realized that my mom is really offended by my step mom's presense in the wedding process. I had some idea that my mom would want some alone time between the two of us, so I made an appointment a few hours ahead of my others and the two of us had special alone time. However, my mom was still so distracted by my step-mom's presence later that when I found my dress, she wasn't even happy for me. In fact, I think she's upset because I didn't choose a dress that she loved.

Now my step mom wants to throw me a shower, but she wants to include my mother in the process, and I know my mom will be upset because, even though she doesn't have a single idea as to when or where, she wants to plan the shower with my MOH.

Any good ideas on how to ease the tension?
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Re: Mom and Step-mom tension.

  • Can your step mom work with the grooms mom to throw one shower and your mom and MOH can throw another one?
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • You need to talk to your mom to find out why she is behaving like this.  Has she always been like this where your step-mother is concerned?
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • I think that'd be kind of silly because there'd be such an overlap on guests. My mom's not very close with her side of the family and I'm not close with very many of her friends.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mom-and-step-mom-tension?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:96b97410-7142-4c71-860e-8b827c909cdfPost:65baa076-94b7-4eb6-b395-868ecaa0f9a2">Re: Mom and Step-mom tension.</a>:
    [QUOTE]You need to talk to your mom to find out why she is behaving like this.  Has she always been like this where your step-mother is concerned?
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    No, in fact, I didn' t even notice that she had all that anger until a few days before we went dress shopping.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mom-and-step-mom-tension?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:96b97410-7142-4c71-860e-8b827c909cdfPost:5a773537-9d66-41bf-b9dc-aadc4f58b108">Re: Mom and Step-mom tension.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think that'd be kind of silly because there'd be such an overlap on guests. My mom's not very close with her side of the family and I'm not close with very many of her friends.
    Posted by dammitkrystyn[/QUOTE]
    Has your mom only been weird in your stepmom's presence or is ths a new thing?

    Try talking to your mom. Find out what's up and why she's acting like this.

    You can always turn down the offer your step-mom made to throw you a shower. "That's so sweet, but my mom and MOH have it covered."
    Or, when you talk to your mom tell her that you would like your stepmom included in the planning.
    But you don't need multiple showers just because they're offered, especially since the guest lists will overlap.
    image
  • itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited January 2013
    You'll need to talk one-on-one with mom and stepmom about their feelings.

    I can relate, because DH & I have some weird family tension with moms and stepmoms.

    Ultimately, we made the decision to not do any showers since we felt it would cause some competition leading to bruised egos and sore feelings amongst moms/stepmoms/aunts/sisters, etc.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mom-and-step-mom-tension?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:96b97410-7142-4c71-860e-8b827c909cdfPost:5a773537-9d66-41bf-b9dc-aadc4f58b108">Re: Mom and Step-mom tension.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think that'd be kind of silly because there'd be such an overlap on guests. My mom's not very close with her side of the family and I'm not close with very many of her friends.
    Posted by dammitkrystyn[/QUOTE]

    I agree...it would be silly. Maybe just talk to your mom about all the tension. If they are both remarried, she really shouldnt be holding such a grudge. I completely get the whole tension between SM & Mom thing because its happening to us, except its on my FI's side. just explain to your mom that you would really appreciate it if she could put everything aside & work with your SM, MOH & BP to plan your shower. Tell her how you want everybody involved. Maybe she will be understanding and put it all aside for the simple fact that this time isnt about any of them...its about YOU. Good luck!
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  • we have some similar issues with my FMIL and my FSMIL..

    has it always been this way, or is it something new? maybe there's a reason behind her behavior that you're unware of?

    if you honestly feel close with both of them, maybe you can do some things completely seperate? like, if you haven't already picked out BM's dresses, have your stepmother help you with that. and then like for flowers and decorations, have your mother help you out with that.

    i hope it works for you :)
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  • I agree with PPs..I would sit your mom down and talk to her about it. Tell her how important your step-mom is to you and that it is important that she be involved in this. This is one of the few times that I will agree with the "it's your day" nonsense. Tell your mom that you love her and no one will ever be able to come close to the special bond you and her have, but that you've known your step-mom for 10+ years (I'm assuming) and you've become close. I hope your mom can be mature enough to put this aside for you.
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