Trouble w/ Out of Town Church

MeghannElizabeth · February 2010

Hi Ladies, I'm new around here and was hoping you could give me some advice on the Catholic church. I posted this on the Ceremony board but thought it would be helpful to get some insight specific to Catholic weddings.
My fiance and I are planning an out of town wedding in the Catholic church. We were both raised Catholic and went to Catholic schools, have made all the sacraments, etc. Right after we got engaged in Nov we called the out-of-town church and the priest said we should work with our own priest and that he wouldn't put us on the calendar until speaking with our priest. Our priest in our town, who we know well, agreed to work with us and do our preparation and preform the ceremony which we are very happy about. We met with our priest about two and a half weeks ago and he said he would contact the out-of-town priest.
We are planning for Sept 2011, so we have awhile, however the reception location books very quickly and is a summer only location, so we want to book it as soon as possible, which we made clear to our priest (I thought). A week ago today I called him to check in, and he still hadn't contacted the out-of-town priest! He told me last week he would call within the week (which he also said 2 weeks ago), but I'm getting really frustrated. Also a week ago I e-mailed the out-of-town priest and explained the situation and said my priest would be contacting him, and to please let me know if our date is agreeable, and haven't heard back. I'm worried it's going to take weeks for them to figure this out and do the paperwork. I just want to book our reception but I thought we should book the church first. I don't know what I have to do to get the wedding on the church calendar! Has anyone else had trouble with booking a church? It's very frustrating because a full Catholic wedding is very important to us and I feel the church should be welcoming us and assisting with planning the ceremony. Has anyone else had trouble like this?

Calypso1977 · February 2010

it is often difficult to get married in a parish where you do not attend regularly. i have no advice, other than to maybe just get married at the church you attend now as a couple.

ring_pop · February 2010

The only thing I can suggest is to also get in touch with the secretaries at both churches. They may be more on the ball. Then again, they may not. Sorry you're dealing with this; hope you get it worked out!

meltoine · February 2010

I wouldn't freak out too much. You do have a lot of time.

Call the reception venue you want and ask if they can hold your preferred date for two weeks. Then call your priest and tell him that the reception venue has graciously agreed to hold your date for ONE week and that you'd really appreciate it if he could call the other priest asap so that you can lock down the date.

The extra week will give you some room to breathe in case the priest drops the ball again, and the hard deadline will hopefully get him to take care of it. The church probably doesn't book up as far in advance as the reception venue you want, so you shouldn't have a problem working the church schedule around the reception venue schedule.

agapecarrie · February 2010

Priests are not supposed to give a date until the pre-marital investigation is complete, and the foccus has been taken and discussed. This is to protect people from financially and emotionally investing in a day when unresolved issues might come up.

Theresa626 · February 2010

Yes, I think everything with the church is frustrating and has not been easy. There' s red tape around every corner. I feel for you. Is there a wedding lady person there at either church? At both churches I'm working with, they have a lady who only handles weddings. If you can contact that person, maybe it'll be faster. Or perhaps an office assitant rather than the priest himself? Otherwise, I'd just keep calling every single week.

Theresa626 · February 2010

regardless of agapecarrie's comment, i've found that the church will give you a date before pre cana is completed because pre cana takes a very long time. However, they make you sign that you will not put down any deposits till they have given you a date. They don't give you a date till you donate and have a meeting with the priest. YOu probably don't have the donation requirement that's just what I had to do. I would never ever put a deposit down on a reception without a church date.

Calypso1977 · February 2010

it varies. our priest gave us a date before we started pre-cana, but we were also members of the parish adn attended regularly, were both catholic, etc. he probably didnt anticipate any issues coming up.

agapecarrie · February 2010

I didn't say until pre-cana is complete.

I said until the investigation is complete and the foccus is done. This is only the discernment portion. Prep stuff is a whole different matter. My boyfriend and I will be doing the discernment portion BEFORE engagement...taking the foccus, meeting with the priest to discern together, pray. We want to figure out if this is right for us and get all the issues out of the way before investing emotionally, and then financially.

theredskittle · February 2010

Hey I totally had problems finding a church. My FI's job finishes near the end of the summer, and I am a teacher, so we pretty much only had 2 weekends to choose from, and both were booked solid at my home church. Because of this, my home priest gave us permission to get married at a different church, and he wrote us a letter. That might be easier for you to do, because then you don't have to worry about the two priests connecting, you can just connect with one, get the letter, and then make plans to connect with the other.

Even after the letter was written, I totally had problems finding another church, and I feel your pain in the frustration that is Catholic church hunting. A lot of churches I called would barely even let me finish my sentence before telling me that I couldn't be married at their church, with or without my letter of permission. I was very fortunate to call up one church, where the priest there is pretty much the nicest priest I have ever met, and he said no problem, but he wanted to see that letter. So I guess my advice is A) get the letter of permission and

Don't give up! You still have lots of time, and things have their own way of working out for the best

good luck!

kmm2150 · February 2010

The priests both probably feel like you have tons of time and this just isn't a priority to them yet. I second the advice of asking the venue to hold your date and then giving the priest, or someone else on staff at the church, a deadline to respond. I think talking to their wedding coordinator is also a very good idea, because they seem to have more sympathy for all the non-church-related logistics that go into planning the wedding.

I think it 's really unfortunate that some churches make this so difficult for people - I understand the history behind having a parish that is YOUR parish, but today, people are so much more mobile, and a couple may have grown up in different churches in different parts of the country, moved away for school and been part of a different church, and then move to a new city together and want to get married there, etc., and I think it's too bad that the way churches handle this isn't more standardized. As for the comment that you should just get married in the church you now attend, that is completely unfair to people who are not living near to any of their friends and family or where they grew up - it's like a forced destination wedding!

For us, it wasn't too hard- we were living in one state and wanted to get married in the state we grew up in, in a church that was mid-way between our families. Their wedding coordinator booked our date right away, with the understanding that we take care of all the other requirements. All we had to have was the certificate from our pre-cana, no phone calls between priests, or any of that.

I also think its unfortunate that even the requirements aren't clear to people - we didn't do anything called a focus, and just met with the priest for the investigation about a week before the wedding (because, despite asking multiple times if we needed to do anything else or meet with the priest, no one told us to do this until the last minute - "oh, you haven't done that yet?"). I am thrilled to have had a Catholic wedding, and really thought the experience leading up to it as far as premarital counseling stuff was wonderful, but every time I get on this board I just feel so sad for brides that really want a Catholic wedding and get tortured by unclear, inconsistent policies.

Jay+Marissa · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_trouble-w-out-of-town-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:f6e2376b-f0bc-4ea9-99b2-3bbc0a08a27cPost:d3a7be4d-a484-4a48-af2a-cec97a639713">Re: Trouble w/ Out of Town Church</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't say until pre-cana is complete. I said until the investigation is complete and the foccus is done. This is only the discernment portion. Prep stuff is a whole different matter. My boyfriend and I will be doing the discernment portion BEFORE engagement...taking the foccus, meeting with the priest to discern together, pray. We want to figure out if this is right for us and get all the issues out of the way before investing emotionally, and then financially.
Posted by agapecarrie[/QUOTE]

Actually, we got a date on the calendar before we had done anything with the deacon, FOCCUS, etc. I guess it just varies by parish. Not a bad idea, though. It made have made a difference that we were long time active members and had been together for a few years, though we are young.

MeghannElizabeth · February 2010

I still haven't heard from either priest, lol. My mom actually stopped in the church last Thursday and asked if he had heard anything, and he still hadn't called. She said well if it gets to be a problem just let us know, and he said no no there won't be a problem, it's just a little touchy since it's another diocese. I called the reception location and the date is still available, so that makes me feel a little better. I guess it's just a game of wait and see! I never thought it would be this hard to set a date!

agapecarrie · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_trouble-w-out-of-town-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:f6e2376b-f0bc-4ea9-99b2-3bbc0a08a27cPost:95918b3d-5c16-46ff-b6a7-6b65d553112d">Re: Trouble w/ Out of Town Church</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Trouble w/ Out of Town Church : Actually, we got a date on the calendar before we had done anything with the deacon, FOCCUS, etc. I guess it just varies by parish. Not a bad idea, though. It made have made a difference that we were long time active members and had been together for a few years, though we are young.
Posted by Jay+Marissa[/QUOTE]

It is actually across the USA diocesan policies, but priests/deacons fudge on it all the time. I know some priests who know the couple well that feel a little better about doing that.

MeghannElizabeth · February 2010

My priest said he would like to begin working with us and complete the FOCCUS in the fall. We definitely aren't waiting until that late to start booking things. One of the reasons we got engaged so early is because we wanted two years to plan. I would find it hard to believe that a church wouldn't let you make arrangements until so late in the game because they have to make sure you're legit. If they need to complete this step, why wouldn't they have asked us to do FOCCUS right now, instead of in 6 months? They can do all the discerning they want, but I don't see why we can't be on the calendar now.

Calypso1977 · February 2010

meghan, they are probably having you wait becuase of your long engagement. engagements traditionally were only supposed to be as long as it takes you to plan your wedding. however, as we all know, in this day and age many couples have opted for longer ones due to money, school obligations, etc.

i dont know your age, but particularly if you are younger, ALOT can change in the two years that you are engaged. that may be anotherr reason why they dont want to put you through stuff too early.

MeghannElizabeth · February 2010

Thanks Calypso. I'm 25 and we've been together 4 years, so I don't think that's an issue. It does probably have something to do with the long engagement though. It's strange though because until the end of our meeting, our priest thought it was THIS September. Looking back I'm not sure how he couldn't have known since he was talking about doing pre-Cana this fall. Who knows, now I'm thoroughly confused. All the inconsistent policies and hoops to jump through are really unfortunate. We want a Catholic wedding more than anything and it feels like they don't want to accommodate us.

ellen73 · March 2010

We got engaged, then it was Christmas, then we realized we wanted to get married this summer. We had to hurriedly find a hall and a church. We picked my hometown b/c I have a bigger family, and it's half-way between his family and all of our friends. I haven't lived there in 10 years, and the parish I grew up in is closing. My parents have a new church- but it doesn't mean anything to me. We had a few options, and felt very blessed to know priests at a few different parishes. We picked the church b/c the one I really wanted wasn't air-conditioned and didn't want to deal with the humidity at the end of July! I have no real tie to this church, other than a cousin who is involved in the parish. We basically called, they had the date opened, they penciled us in, I called the pastor at that parish- he just said he'd need a letter from the priest who is helping us prepare and then one from the priest who is actually marrying us. It was not difficult at all. We decided to go through all the prep in Columbus (where I live) just b/c it was easy. The priest who is marrying us just wanted to meet us briefly, and will want to meet with us one more time before the wedding.

I really think it depends on the parish and on the diocese! I grew up in fairly liberal parish and diocese I think!

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