Groom's Deceased Father's Wedding Ring

bkaygrady · March 2013

My hubby to be lost his father 5 years ago and his mom has decided to give him his wedding ring. He has no idea about this, and she wants something special said during the ceremony just before we exchange the rings. I am trying to find the right words for this, but am having a really hard time.
Any suggestions?

Thanks!
Brenda

Avion22 · March 2013

Wow. I don't think surprising him with this is a good idea. At all. People handle grief in different ways, and that could easily put someone over the edge in a very public setting, which I would not be okay with.

Is there any way she can give him the ring during a private moment earlier in the day? Like maybe when she's helping him with his boutiniere? That way if he has an emotional reaction (which he probably will, and is totally okay) it will at least be in private.

Edited to add: Don't get me wrong, it's a really sweet gesture, I just don't think the ceremony is the right time or place for this.

Peledreamsofrain · March 2013

Whooooa, hang on. 5 years wasn't too long ago, your FI should be brought in on this. You can't just jump him with this stuff in front of a crowd on a day that will already be very emotional for him. He may burst into tears and feel humiliated.

Ask him if this is something he even feels comfortable wearing. Grief is very personal, and you can't just dump this stuff as a surprise on him.

cbrown828 · March 2013

I think this is a sweet gesture, but please be cautious about surprising your FI in this way. The two of you will already be emotional that day, and this could cause some serious unanticipated emotion to overflow. It also may cast a shadow on the joy of the celebration. I know if I surprised FI with something similar, such as his deceased grandpa's ring, without him knowing it, he would be overwhelmed.

Perhaps it could be mentioned in the program or the officiant could mention it briefly?

Peavy · March 2013

I have a suggestion -- DO NOT DO THIS. How would you like to be ambushed on your wedding day with your dead parent's wedding ring?

That being said, I actually think it's a lovely, sentimental idea to use his dad's ring, as long as he knows about it and is on board with it. But it should be discussed and decided on long before the ceremony, not sprung on him as a surprise.

cbrown828 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_grooms-deceased-fathers-wedding-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:2b7adc84-4023-426d-96a5-de57a9121a0fPost:d34ebe87-ae85-44b8-acaf-ac69eb1134e8">Re: Groom's Deceased Father's Wedding Ring</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. I don't think surprising him with this is a good idea. At all. People handle grief in different ways, and that could easily put someone over the edge in a very public setting, which I would not be okay with. Is<strong> there any way she can give him the ring during a private moment earlier in the day? Like maybe when she's helping him with his boutiniere? That way if he has an emotional reaction (which he probably will, and is totally okay) it will at least be in private.</strong> Edited to add: Don't get me wrong, it's a really sweet gesture, I just don't think the ceremony is the right time or place for this.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

I think this sounds perfect. Or even the night before, after the rehearsal? I know when I cry my face stays puffy for awhile. Might give him time to process it.

AddieCake · March 2013

I lost my mother 6 years ago, and if that had happened to me on my wedding day, at the altar, I would have lost it. Please encourage his mother to give him the ring in private.

mlg78 · March 2013

My mom privately gave me her wedding ring a couple years ago that she had with my dad. It was highly emotional. Do NOT do this as a surprise. The sentiment is nice, but it should be done privately.

bkaygrady · March 2013

Wow! You all have my exact thoughts, unfortunately this is how his mother wants it handled. Maybe the Bette question should be how to talk her out of this! I am not sure how he is going to react, and I do not want him to be caught off guard.

Peledreamsofrain · March 2013

Don't even bother with talking her out of it. Just let your FI in on it. You two are about to become a unit, and open communication is key. Let him know that you are in a situation where you aren't sure what to do, and are worried about how it well affect him. He'll appreciate that you respected his feelings enough to bring your concerns to him.

mlg78 · March 2013

In Response to Re:Groom's Deceased Father's Wedding Ring:[QUOTE]Don't even bother with talking her out of it.nbsp; Just let your FI in on it.nbsp; You two are about to become a unit, and open communication is key.nbsp; Let him know that you are in a situation where you aren't sure what to do, and are worried about how it well affect him.nbsp; He'll appreciate that you respected his feelings enough to bring your concerns to him. Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

WONDERFUL advice!

Anastasia517 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_grooms-deceased-fathers-wedding-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:2b7adc84-4023-426d-96a5-de57a9121a0fPost:b9ab81ea-33c6-4d78-ad35-82a6173098d4">Re: Groom's Deceased Father's Wedding Ring</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't even bother with talking her out of it. Just let your FI in on it. You two are about to become a unit, and open communication is key. Let him know that you are in a situation where you aren't sure what to do, and are worried about how it well affect him. He'll appreciate that you respected his feelings enough to bring your concerns to him.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

<div>All of this. Also, in addition to all of the problems already discussed by PPs I think your FI would notice if you didn't discuss what he wanted in a wedding ring with you. He may not want to wear his father's ring for one reason or another (style, emotions attached to the ring, etc) and he shouldn't be forced to via wedding day surprise.</div>

QueerFemme · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_grooms-deceased-fathers-wedding-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:2b7adc84-4023-426d-96a5-de57a9121a0fPost:d555b65e-9d18-4bb6-b3dd-0fbddb0d48cc">Re: Groom's Deceased Father's Wedding Ring</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow! You all have my exact thoughts, unfortunately this is how his mother wants it handled. Maybe the Bette question should be how to talk her out of this! I am not sure how he is going to react, and I do not want him to be caught off guard.
Posted by bkaygrady[/QUOTE]

You don't have to talk her out of it. Just tell her you aren't doing it. You can give all of the reasons people have mentioned here, and say that you don't want those types of surprises during the ceremony. And that you two can work together to come up with a different plan.

bkaygrady · March 2013

Thanks everyone for your advice...I actually did talk to his mom and she understood. She is going to give it to him prior to the wedding so we can be sure he wants to wear it and can get over the shock! I appreciate all of your ideas! Thank you!

mlg78 · March 2013

In Response to Re:Groom's Deceased Father's Wedding Ring:[QUOTE]Thanks everyone for your advice...I actually did talk to his mom and she understood. She is going to give it to him prior to the wedding so we can be sure he wants to wear it and can get over the shock! I appreciate all of your ideas! Thank you! Posted by bkaygrady[/QUOTE]

That's wonderful news!

MuppetOverlord · March 2013

great! I would've done as you did and talked to her about it too. You'd have to tell him at some point otherwise he's going to be wanting to buy a ring too!

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