Should I take my fiancé's last name?

kendallshea12 · November 2010

I'm having trouble deciding whether I should take my fiancé's last name. My current last name belongs to my father whom I haven't spoken to in at least 7 years, and of whom I am not particularly fond. Nobody else in my immediate family has the same last name as myself (my mother changed hers back after the divorce) except for my sister, who is planning on changing it when she gets married.

The problem is: I'm not sure I like the way my fiancé's name sounds with mine. And because there's no way to get a accurate response without hearing my name, here it is: Kendall Harcourt. I'm marrying a man with the last name Cortez. The alliteration of Kendall Cortez sounds weird. Orginally, I was planning on hyphenating the two last names (Kendall Harcourt-Cortez), but the two "Corts" right next to each other also sounds weird. *say it aloud, you'll see!*

Being a feminist, I'd like to keep my own name. However, my father's name doesn't hold any meaning for me (it's not like I've ever spoken to any of my cousins or anything). And it's already a name I received from a man, so what's the harm (as a feminist) of taking a different man's name? At least I like my fiancé, which can't be said of the relationship with my father. Being that I'm just out of college I don't have any professional ties to my last name either.

Any ideas? Will my new name grow on me and stop sounding weird? Or when people call me "Kendall Cortez" will I look over my shoulder to see who they're talking to? Any thoughts would be great! Thanks!

jerseydevil · November 2010

I am old fashioned and excited about taking my FI's last name.

It's a personal decision, so you need to go with what you want. Have you asked your FI what his feelings are on the subject? Some men have a strong opinion or expectation of you taking his name and others don't.

marissa_claire · November 2010

I think your new name sounds fine. What does your FI think about this?

naomikb · November 2010

I think your name sounds great together. Although at first you think the alliteration sounds funny but probably no one else will notice and I bet after a short while you won't even notice, you'll just be happy to be united with tour hubby. I am excited to taky my FI's name.

trix1223 · November 2010

I think the changed name sounds fine. Now I'd delete all of that because I think it's a really bad idea to put your full name, and your potential new last name out on a public message board.

I will also say, as someone who's been married for 32 years, that I thought my name sounded weird when I was first married as well. You will get used to it. My DD was married 16 months ago. It's taken me time to get used to her last name. But I have.

Of course it sounds odd to you now. You've had the same name for however long you've been alive. But now I've had my married name longer than I had my maiden name and it IS my name.

Having said all that, this is a decision that only you can make. But I can promise you that if children are in your future and they have your FI's last name, people will call you Mrs. Cortez whether you change your name or not.

My sister kept her name when she was married 30 years ago. But she answers to both Ms. Lastname, and Mrs. DH's last name. Because she gets called both.

jana953 · November 2010

have you asked your fiance how he feels about it? i dont think Kendall Cortez sounds bad actually.

personally, the thought of changing my last name kind of freaks me out just b/c its always been my last name which i think is normal for everyone.

one thing you might want to do is hyphen it Kendall Harcourt-Cortez legally but just go by one or the other, just make sure to check with your fiance on how he feels about it.

sister2groom · November 2010

Growing up one of my friend's mom's (married) name was Christie Christy, so you know she really loved him

megk8oz · November 2010

To be perfectly honest, I actually think his name sounds better with your first name than your current one.

I changed my name. My maiden name was my bio dad's last name, and neither he, or his family, have been a big part of my life. Meanwhile, I grew up in a house where most of the people had a different last name than me. I hated being "different" from the rest of my family, and knew from a very young age that I'd most likely be changing my name and not thinking twice about it.

And as far as feminism goes, I always view it as I chose to change my name, that was 100% my decision.

ETA: Whatever you decide, just remember, you're the one who has to sign this name "for as long as you both shall live", so change (Or don't change) your name to whatever is going to make you happy.

chocoholic4life · November 2010

I like how your name sounds with FI's last name. You've got an extra syllable in between, so don't let the alliteration get to you.

DramaGeek · November 2010

You may get used to it...or not. It's been 8 years and I still can't stand having H's name, so much so that I'm dropping it and going back to my own. It really is a personal decision - I got talked into changing mine when I didn't want to, and you can see how well that worked! I am 100% happy with the marriage, not at all happy with having his last name.

JenO24 · November 2010

I think your name sounds nice with your FI's last name.
I was on the fence about changing my name, but decided to drop my given middle name and have my maiden name as my middle name.
I'm still getting used to seeing my new name in print and signing my new name, but I'm liking it more and more. Over time you'll get used to it; you're just used to the name you've grown up with - give yourself time to adjust to your new name.

Like PP, even if you keep your maiden name or hyphenate your name - people will assume you took FIs last name so you'll still be called Mrs. NewLastName especially once you have kids.

Pirata13 · November 2010

I love your new last name!!! I think it sounds great!

Especially since your current last name is not of particular emotional meaning to you, I'd let it go! But it has to be your choice.

I am very attached to my maiden name--I'm older, was very close to my paternal grandparents, done a lot of performing under my maiden name (dance and theatre) etc. So I dropped my middle name (Marie) and changed it legally to Pirata Maiden Married. No hyphen, just my maiden name became my official middle name. So if you decide you do want to keep it for professional or other reasons, you could consider that. Most of the time I go by Pirata Married, but when I do a show or for certain legal papers or whatnot, I will list as my (new) full name.

vlevitt · November 2010

just to add my voice. i also love your FI's last name with yours! it probably sounds weird to you because you're not used to the combination, but if you make the choice it'll start to sound natural as well.

i recently got married and chose to take my DH's last name early into the engagement. it's now been 6 months and about half of my ID has the new name (we also chose to honour my maiden name by adding it as an additional middle name for both of us). i have to admit it was harder than i thought to make the switch. i never thought i'd be so attached to my maiden name! however, now that it's been a few months and i've gotten used to the name i'm totally fine with it.

no one every talks about that awkward period where you're getting used to a new name, and all the emotion that comes with it. even now i wonder if i made the right decision.

anyway - i also think you don't have to decide right away. i know a woman who kept her maiden name until she had her first child, 3 years after her wedding. she wanted to have the same last name as her daughter, but didn't feel the need to change it until that point. she also owns her own business, and uses her maiden name in that capacity to this day.

ultimately you have a choice to make, and either one will be fine.

msgraphics · November 2010

I am so excited to change my name even though my family has critisized his last name. My uncle remarried a woman, also a Michelle, it was her first marriage and she took his/my last name. I was resentful that she stole my name without consulting me but I will have the last laugh. She will remain one of thousands of Michelle Commonlastname and I will have my name all to myself. (yes, I've googled and can't find another.) '

amcmahon4020 · November 2010

I knew a guy named Richard Nickson. Tough break.

Kendall Cortez sounds beautiful. Ultimately, most of us don't have he opportunity to change our name until this point in our lives, so, while I agree that you should be happy with it, last names aren't really based on aesthetic. It's about heritage. And the romance of assuming the name of somene you love so much you want to be forever associated with their name!!!

leia1979 · November 2010

I think any way sounds fine (yours, FI's, or hyphenated). People don't go around saying their full name all that often anyway. You can also legally hyphenate and socially use just one or the other.

I do find it interesting that you call your current last name your father's name. Why isn't it your name? You've had it for however long you've been alive.

Personally, I'm not changing my name. I've had the same name for 30 years and don't see a reason to change it. But it is absolutely a personal decision. There's no right or wrong.

ijerez · November 2010

It really depends on a few things. One of my friends, she used a hyphen and placed her husband's name first. At work she's known by her maiden name because her career was already underway before she was married and she's competing with men in her field so it works for her. Everywhere else she's known under her husbands name. For myself, I'm starting my career so I want to be known by my husband's name. I will drop my maiden name although it is a name full of history and I'm fond of it, I'm taking another name full of history. As for my husband, he carries his biological father's name and he was absent all his life. My husband wants nothing to do with him but with me taking his last name means that we can give that name some honor again. It is whatever you make of it. I think using a hyphen like my friend will work for you. In your field use your maiden name because you've made it your own but to honor your new union you can use your fiance's name. I truly believe it sounds nice either way and you honor your life before and after him.

kathrynhabibti · November 2010

I won't repeat your potential married name in case you decide to delete it from this thread - which IMO would be a very wise move - but I don't think it sounds odd in any way.

sarahlm619 · November 2010

I see nothing wrong with your FI's last name with your first. I don't like my FI's last name with my name either -- it sounds VERY "southern bell" -- which I am not!

I think the new name is ALWAYS going to sound wierd at first, because we're not use to it...we're use to it with the FI's name...but not with ours. You're USE to the sound of your current name, 'cuz it's all you've ever known.

Ultimately, this decision is you and your FI's...but really...I don't think it sounds bad together at all!

eternalmaria · November 2010

Personally, I don't think it really should be an issue of what "sounds good" or not, but more of the meaning behind it. Having the same last names represents that you are both together, commited to one another, creating your own family ect. PLUS with keeping your maiden name when it brings up memories of a father you don't sound fond of...I guess I just don't quite understand your reasoning.

Also, IMHO, I think Kendall Cortez sounds beautiful together!

Should I take my fiancé's last name?

Re: Should I take my fianc&#233;'s last name?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Should I take my fianc&#233;'s last name?

Re: Should I take my fianc&amp;#233;'s last name?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Should I take my fiancé's last name?

Re: Should I take my fiancé's last name?