Hi Everyone, I'm new (and a question about step kids)

Re: Hi Everyone, I'm new (and a question about step kids)

• shytownkelly

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  Really? There is NO ONE ELSE that would help you out by taking the kids home the night of or the day after?
  
  you don't have a friend or relative (even coming from out of town) that wouldn't do that for you?  Ask them. 
  
  An hour each way really isn't that much. 
  
  And I know you said the exW tries to make things difficult - but maybe if you ASK her, you'd at least know her answer - instead of assuming the worst. 
  

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• KrustyTheCat

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  We are still going to ask her, but she always refuses to do it any other times we ask her.  I am going to ask around and who knows...maybe we can find someone, but the chances are slim to none. I know my family won't do it, and neither will his.  ugh.  The worst case scenario is that the kids wont be at the wedding, but we don't want that.

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• right1thistime member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  Hard to take you seriously with your screen name as it is...but I will. 
  
  The children's GRANDparents, AUNTS & UNCLES won't do this as a favor for your FI (the intention to marry makes you engaged, not the ring) who is their son & brother?  As a wedding gift for you two?   If you offered to pay the gas and give them some money for their time?  She wouldn't meet someone half way, to reduce the drive?  Could you hire a towncar with a driver and send a responsible babysitter with them (an older  cousin) ?  As one of my good friends says, I think you are future flucking.  You surely cannot have asked anyone if they would do this, or if the children's mother would do this, and you are squaring your shoulders for the fight.. 
  
  This is your Fi's problem, by the way, not yours. As their father, he needs to decide how this will be handled.  And my advice to YOU is that if he decides to drive them on your wedding night-- don't mess with that.  There will be lots of compromises in your relationship as you marry a man with children.  From your very last statement, it almost sounds like you may be trying to set it up to happen.  If that is NOT your intent, please be cautious how you phrase things, especially to your Fi and the kids. 
  And again, he's the parent, not you, request that he deals with this.  ~Donna

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• KrustyTheCat

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  Donna, believe it or not, but my Fi is one of two kids and his sister wont be at the wedding, so no aunts or uncles.  My family I have asked and they won't be able to, because they have to take care of my four children.  my dad and step mom can't drive because they dont have the room, my sister doesnt have a driver's license, and i dont evne know if my brother is coming.  His parent's might not be able to attend the wedding because his mom is going through Chemo.  So he might not even have any family there. ugh. (they all live out of state, and all my family is from Canada, so they're all out of the country guests).  And he is the one who first said he didn't want to drive them.  I am very much not trying to start a fight or anything like that, in no way whatsoever, so if that came across, i didn't intend for it to do so.   There is no cousins, no aunts or uncles that can help with this.  I really am telling the truth! The only option for us, and I suggested this to him, was to have the ex wive's boyfriend come here if we offer to pay for gas, which we are both ok with.  We just don't want ot mention it to them yet because it's so far away.

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• KrustyTheCat

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  Oh, and my screen name I've had for years, i'm too much of a creature of habit to change it.  It was the name of my cat years ago when I lived in Germany  

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• right1thistime member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  I didn't get from your original post that YOU also had children.  I think that makes it even MORE imperative that you assure that his children are there.  The issue of "well she made sure HER kids got to be there, but the heck with US" will ring out even louder.  (if not now, then when his kids are teens.)  And even if he decides it, you'll be the villain.  How old are all the kids?
  
  If you truly have NO ONE to do this drive for you, not even a best friend who would help out, then you may have to choose to either drive them on your wedding night or to keep them overnight at your house and drive them in the morning.  Could they stay at your house overnight with a sitter, so the two of you could have your wedding night in a local hotel?  And, let's be honest, you already live together, so it's not like your wedding night is when something will happen that's never happened before.  You are both parents, you must be realistic about how your sex life is impacted by children.  I know symbolically it's a big deal, but not the end of the world. (Frankly, DH and I stayed in a hotel on our wedding night, the kids were in an adjacent room. We were so exhausted, I don't think we had sex until 3 days later.) 
  I didn't say you were starting a fight, I said you were ready for one, by the way. 
  
  Shall I call you Krusty??   ~Donna

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• DenyseS member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  Is it an option to invite thier mother and the boyfriend to the weddng?  That is what we are doing and they will take my future step daughter home with them when the reception is over.  Also her mom is getting married in two weeks and we are attending then taking future step daughter home after.  We all have an ok but tenuous relationship and we are all sucking it up for the two weddings.  So you might want to think about that option.

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• Sue-n-Kevin member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  Welcome to the board, and congrats on your wedding plans.
  
  I can see this is bothering you way in advance of your wedding. I peeked at your Knot bio and see your wedding is next April.
  
  You have 4 children, he has 2. That's a lot of future aggravation and accomodation in your life. I have 2 children, my fiance has 3, all but 1 are over 18. However, that does not change the fact that we still have to make considerations for ALL of them today, tomorrow, on our wedding day, and for the years to come. It's definitely not easy.
  
  Our wedding is about 40 minutes from my house where I'll live with my fiance and my daughter after the wedding. In order to enjoy ourselves and not pay for a limo to get home, we are getting rooms at a nearby hotel for us, for my 16 year old daughter and her female friend who she is bringing along, and my adult son who will be visiting from out of town. My fiance's family all live within 3 miles of the wedding venue.
  
  If any of our children were younger, we would probably arrange for an adjoining room next to ours for them to stay in, or a hotel suite with a sofa bed. Would the door between our rooms be open most of the night? Probably yes. Would it matter to me since my fiance and I have had almost 4 years together, with a lifetime to share? Nope. While a "wedding night" is symbolic in many ways, it's not what happens that night that sets the direction of your marriage......it's all the little things, like understanding, compromise, bearing unmentionable aggravations together that build the character of a marriage.
  
  I'm assuming you have not planned a honeymoon yet, so just arrange to have your departure a few days after the wedding. That way you can get the kids back to their Mom the day after the wedding, and you will have made them feel special (they got to stay in a hotel), and part of your special day. It sounds as though they have had it tough, and this will go a long way to help them feel important and loved.
  
  Good luck.
  

  Wedding Website and Bio

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• KrustyTheCat

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  Yes we have arranged a honeymoon already, we are leaving first thing the next morning to go to Paris.  And we're probably going to fly out of Portland, which is 2 hour south of our house and their house is an hour north of us.  Neither of us had a real first wedding, so this is our time to really make it special and we intend to do so.   Since my mom is coming from Canada, and watching our kids for us for a week, we can't dilly dally with leaving unfortunately.  She works full time and is taking her vacation time so we can have our honeymoon, but that means we have to leave first thing the next morning.  And also, leave for Portland right after our reception so we can have time to at least get some sleep before we have to be up at the crack of dawn for an international flight.

  
  

  eta: I just asked my brother if he wouldnt mind doing it driving my car but havent heard back yet, and FI is also going to offer them some money for gas if they come all the way down here.  Not sure it makes a difference, but all our kids are young too, they're not older.  As of now, we have 6 under 12.

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• right1thistime member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  You have a Brady Bunch!  I hope your brother will do this for you.  If not, look into a car service. 
  
  Paris !!  What a wonderful trip, you are very lucky. 
  
  And, just FYI (not snarking, just informing) some of us bristle at the reference to not having "a real wedding".  A real wedding is one after which you end up married.  Some choose to hold their wedding in a very simple manner, and it is still quite real.  Thus it feels like others are denigrating their choice when they declare it not a real wedding.  Perhaps you meant that you and your Fi did not have a formal wedding or a large reception the first time?  ~Donna

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• KrustyTheCat

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  lol of course I didn't  mean that.  I meant to say I eloped basically...and it was a wonderful wedding, but I always wanted to do it over in my version of "right".    Yep, ,we do have a brady bunch, and 3 of them are the same age.

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• blush64 member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_hi-everyone-im-new-question-step-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:d94d201f-b7c2-47b0-a5a0-72efa8992a31Post:2d870eb8-9ca9-47c7-8def-4b9b14130ad4">Hi Everyone, I'm new (and a question about step kids)</a>:
  [QUOTE]First off, I have to say that I am not "officially" engaged yet.  A ring has been picked out and is on layaway, we've booked a venue, picked  date, and I'm starting to book other things too like my hair/makeup artist.  We live together, and we're unofficially engaged lol.  Just as good :) I'll be getting my ring sometime in the next couple months.  I hope it's ok to post here even though I'm not official...some of the other boards on here scare me and I don't want to get snapped at because my ring isn't on my finger yet. This is  my 2nd wedding, obviously, and his.  I was widowed in 2009, and he was divorced in 2005.  My fiance has two children from his previous marriage that live in Seattle with their mother (we live an hour south).  Our issue lies in this, the ex wife does NOT have her driver's license and we have to do all the driving to and from seattle on the weekends we have them. It really ads up to a LOT of drivng.  So we don't know how to deal with the day of the wedding stuff with them.  We don't mind picking them up a couple days before, but since we are leaving for our honeymoon the night of the wedding, we can't bring them back home.   I'm totally not trying to be a diva, but I refuse to drop off my step kids at their mom's house on my wedding day, on my way to my wedding night with my husband.  It's not fair to both of us.  He agrees with me, but we are almost 100% sure she will not cooperate and have her boyfriend pick them up where we live.  Just because she purposely goes out of her way to be difficult for us.  So we're just not sure what to do.  We want the kids to be in the wedding, but no one else can do the driving, and the majority of our guests are from out of town.  Let me stress again, I'm not trying to be a snot about the whole thing, because i WANT them there.  I just don't think that either of us should have to deal with her on our wedding day, because all that's going to happen is she'll put us in a pissy mood and I don't want that to start off our honeymoon. We just don't know how to handle things, and I was wondering if anyone else has been in this same situation?<strong> I really don't want the kids to be left out, but if they're not there because she decides she won't bring them</strong>, all she'll do is bad mouth us and say we purposely left them out.  Thanks for your help too :) 
  Posted by KrustyTheCat[/QUOTE]
  
  I disagree with that.  It sucks that it would be up to you to find them transportation and it's tough having to do all the driving but if the kids aren't included it's because you wanted to send a message or make a point to his ex.
  
  You don't want to have to drive your step kids anywhere BUT they are not his step hids they are HIS kids.  I have kids and while it would be nice to simply drive off to a hotel I also have to deal with my kids.  If that means he has to do it on the night of his honeymoon than so be it. (there are lots of us who have custody of our kids and that means we have to find something to do with them on the night of our wedding as well)
  
  I understand when someone doesn't do as much it really makes you angry or resentful but when you do anything about it or try to make them pay all you really do is make it hard and uncomfortable for the kids. Most times you have to suck it up and deal for the sake of the kids.
  
  You are entitled to your feelings and they are normal but really, just pick up the kids and find someone who can drive them back. If you can't find anyone else, just do it yourselves.  In the long run it will be better that they were there with you no matter what.

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• soon to be mrs pham member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  how old are the children? might there be a possibility of getting them bus tickets (if they are old enough that is) lots of transport companies have unaccompanied minors accomadations so all shed have to do is pick them up at the stop...

  

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• soon to be mrs pham member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  oh i see now that both chilren are young...sorry that leaves me without ideas. unless inviting the mother is possible...(im not sure id want my ex at our wedding but some can)

  

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• awayagain member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  Yes we have arranged a honeymoon already, we are leaving first thing the next morning to go to Paris.  And we're probably going to fly out of Portland
  If you have arranged this trip already, why don't you know which airport you are flying out of?
  could you possibly move your wedding to the 6th of April?

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• lindaloulubbock

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  It is my personal opinion that having ALL  of your children at your wedding should be more imporant that a special wedding night or a day in Paris.  I would do whatever I had to do to include them in the day because it sends a significant message about how they fit in your married life.  Try to find someone else to do the picking up and dropping off, that makes sense.  Not including them, that's not cool.
  
  
  

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