Bridal Shower Etiquette

aemelvin · July 2012

My Fiance and I have been living together for just over a year in a home he bought 4 years ago. Slowly over the past year we have been transforming the bachelor pad into a home. Our wedding is in May of 2013. My question for you is, do we have to wait until a few months before our wedding to hold a shower? We have a ton of things that we NEED now and may have to go out and by if we have to wait until Feb or March to have a shower, such as silverware, new garbage can, sheets for our new spare bedroom, etc.

Opinions, suggestsions? Thanks ladies :-)

LOTON01 · July 2012

I'm actually not sure of what etiquette say son this. However, I have never been to a shower that was more than 4 months from the wedding.

Meegles4 · July 2012

I think a shower can happen whenever, though LOTON is right that they usually occur closer to the wedding.

What is inappropriate from an etiquette standpoint is to host your own shower. So, if a relative or friend offers to throw you one now, that's fine, but you guys can't just decide to have one and host it yourselves. It's seen as gift grabby.

That being said, if you don't have anyone hosting a shower or perhaps they'd prefer to host something closer to the wedding, there are other options. For example, we registered several months before our wedding so that I could ask for Christmas gifts off of the registry. So, there were a couple things we got that way. The same could be said if you have a birthday sometime this fall. You could register now and then if there are a few things you really want, you can put them on gift lists for holidays that are coming up.

Sue-n-Kevin · July 2012

When I was planning my wedding, I usually consulted Martha Stewart Wedding website for etiquette questions. She is not the "be all and end all" of wedding etiquette, but her philosophy is pretty reasoned.

Here are my thoughts:

No one should be invited to a shower that is not invited to the wedding. It is in very poor taste to do so. So, my question to you is this: Do you have your venue and guest list finalized? If there are any changes to your finances and you have to downsize your list, or family gets involved and starts to manipulate this at some point in the next 8 months before you send your invitations, you may have invited someone to an early shower that is then axed from the guest list. Trust me, based on my lengthy time on the Knot, it happens all the time.

You can register for your wedding & shower gifts at any time. If it were me and I were struggling with needing things to complete a home several months before my wedding, I'd probably go register for the exact things I wanted and tell family members & friends to shop from that list for birthdays and Christmas. I have owned a home for 25 years and I always get home goods for gifts, even before my wedding. We didn't need to register for anything because we were combining two homes.

Those are the only fairly "proper" answers I can think of. I'm sure others have some input.

KBLDC2012 · July 2012

My wedding was in February and we had separate bachelor and bachelorette parties during different weekends in January, Dec is obviously xmas and new years, and november is thanksgiving. So our families chose to have our shower in early October so that it didn't interfere with people's holiday plans. Some people would comment (not necessarily judge) on the early shower but it was never a big deal specially when we explained why. The only thing you should think about is the fact that you want the shower early so you can start USING your gifts now---I'm not superstitious but lots of people will tell you that opening and using gifts pre-wedding is bad luck. I also hope this doesnt happen but you should also think about what you would do if something crazy happened and the wedding was called off. How would you return the opened and used stuff?

LOTON01 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_bridal-shower-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:88Discussion:b5480403-e3ee-480d-8c02-f3329e728706Post:a18fa180-f511-44c8-8cf5-7602ff143cb8">Re: Bridal Shower Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I also hope this doesnt happen but you should also think about what you would do if something crazy happened and the wedding was called off. How would you return the opened and used stuff?
Posted by KBLDC2012[/QUOTE]

You wouldn't be able to return them. You would have to give everyone cash back for the items they purchased you. Etiquette does say you aren't supposed to use the gifts until after the wedding.

Ophelia0326 · July 2012

While there's nothing wrong with having an early shower, it is not at all proper to USE the gifts before you're married (as others have wisely pointed out). They are wedding presents, not before-the-wedding presents. Just...don't do it. If you really can't make it through to your wedding without new silverware (or whatever), go buy a cheap set somewhere, and in the end, you'll just wind up with extra forks/towels/coffee maker, which always come in handy. Or, like previous posters have said, ask for some things for Christmas/brithdays.

ermjdecember2015 · July 2012

As someone else mentioned, we are registering about a year before the wedding, not to have a shower, but so that people can buy us our birthday, Christmas and what not presents from our registry. We are just going to use hand me downs and cheap sets until we get our registered stuff

MrsGilliatt · July 2012

But you aren't using anything until after the wedding...right? Not only is considered poor form to open wedding/shower gifts before you're Mrs. Newlywed - it's also bad luck. I would re-think the importance of getting nice new silverware as opposed to biting the bullet and buying target-ware on the cheap for the remainder of your engagement!
Sorry to be so abrasive - but you're getting married for love and for promise - the gifts are an added bonus - if the marriage can wait - so can the goodies.

sparkles776 · July 2012

I completely agree with the PPs. I am getting married in June 2013 and am registering in the fall with the intention of hopefully our family will get us stuff off our registry for christmas. If I was you, the absolute earliest I would have the shower is Feb. I especially agree with a wedding is NOT about getting gifts, its about the marriage. FI and I are also turning a bachelor pad into a home- We are using ikea plates and silverware until we get married- absolutely nothing wrong with that. I will add that you shouldnt use the items that you get as shower gifts until after the wedding anyways. I went to a friends house a couple weeks after her shower, but still before the wedding, and she had all her new stuff put away and on the counters they were clearly using it- It was just inappropriate.

dixfam4 · July 2012

I have been doing weddings, showers, events for years, and yes, to wait to have the shower a few months before the weddings is only right even if its hard to wait... It'll fly by before you know it.. congrats!!!!

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