MOH invited someone not on list

astormo · July 2011

I posted last week the my MOH is being rather difficult about her dress size that I am paying for. I figured out a solution for that.
But what do I do now when MOH told a friend of hers, who is merely an acquaintance of mine, that she was invited! She isn't someone I even consider a friend, yet alone plan to invite. I clarified to the woman, and apologized and said that I had limited space and unfortunately the guest list is small and there are many people who won't be included. I re-emphasized to MOH this will be a small wedding and not very many people will be attending.
I see many difficulties like this with MOH. She has shown me no support, not just for the wedding, but more so, for my new life. I could list many examples. Everything is about her, the wedding just triggered the realization. I would prefer to ask her to step aside (but I won't) because I fear she actually may become poison in the well. When I move, I know our friendship will all but end because of things she has said. For now, I am giving her a "Good letting alone" as an elderly friend suggested.
Any suggestions on how to deal with a MOH who you don't even feel good about being in a friendship anymore?

Maggie0829 · July 2011

If you do decide to kick her out, that will be a friendship ending move (which is what it seems like you want anyways). As far as what to do about a MOH that you don't even want to be friends with anymore, I really don't know what to suggest. You will just have to deal with your choices and make the best of it.

sparent2010 · July 2011

It seems like you don't want to be friends anyways with her sooo I would just ask her t ostep down if that is what you want to do.

em01092 · July 2011

Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people sometimes.

That was wrong of her to invite someone not invited, but you cleared it up. No big. What are these other many examples of her disapproving of your new life?

Take a step back and make sure there isn't something else at work here. Have you asked her what's going on in her life? Tried to talk about things NWR? I know you're excited but maybe she is having a rough time in love, work, etc?

If you care about the friendship, put the wedding issues aside and try to repair it. If you don't care, be sure you don't care. Really think about things before you ask her to step down, if that is what you end up deciding to do.

astormo · July 2011

That is sound advice, thank you. I'm not going to make any decisions right now. I am letting this be for a while so I can digest and making sure that I am "breaking up" with her for the right reasons because I do care for her and in the past we had a lot of fun times. But I want to avoid toxicity.

Examples of her not supporting me would be:

Scolding me repeatedly for using "finance" because she doesn't like the word.

Telling me repeatedly how she won't visit me in my new city (about two hours away) because she has too many bad memories from there where she and her son's father met and subsequently broke up 25 years ago. They never were married.

Dismissing me any time I talk about moving or when I had a promising job interview I wanted to share.

Any time I try to talk fun wedding stuff - she cuts me off and tells me she can't think about wedding stuff (but has plenty of time to dominate conversations to complain about her boyfriend who actually is a really great guy - just kind of clueless).

She pitched and absolute fit and sent an angry email on how dare I not consult her when I ordered her a size 8 dress (which I am paying for) and not the 6 she thinks she needs - but shop consultant says a 6 would be too small for her based on measurement. She doesn't think a seamstress will make it look good enough. I'm cutting out the tag so she won't see size.

Maybe jealousy? I am unsure. She has never been married and never been proposed to and she makes that loud and clear even in group settings since I got engaged.

I also realize she might not be a woman of character that I may not want in my life. For example, she complains that her boyfriend gets her a bouquet but it is the wrong kind of flowers. She complains that he buys her jewelry but it is ugly and not the Tiffany bracelet she really wants. She complains about how much time her boyfriend spends with his daughters. And she is carries on secret conversations for hours with an ex-boyfriend who is married. All character traits I really disagree with but ignored, because it didn't involve me directly. But these are not behaviors based on solid principals - and she is in her late 40s so likely won't change.

I guess tough realizations hit in friendships sometimes just as they have in bad relationships I ended before I met my Mr. Wonderful. It makes me sad though.

astormo · July 2011

em01092 - thank you these are all good questions I will continue to be thinking over. A blunt conversation may be in order, but I don't know what NWR is? I do think you are right, weddings can bring out the worst in people and I certainly hope it fades.

RetreadBride: If you are not trying to sound ugly then don't! Is the spirit I was supposed to take it being berated for a mistaken spelling error? Some posters seem are very opinionated with blanket "you don't do this, and you shouldn't ever do that" rules. I believe it is respectful to give as much notice as possible when time off work, plane tickets and general life planning as taken place. Each time I was a MOH I was asked at least a year in advance, and appreciated having the time to save money and generally be involved in whatever way would be helpful to my friends. And when I have been friends for years it didn't even occur to me I would have difficulties in post-engagement life.

I wasn't asking my MOH to help me plan (which I never said I was), nor has she actually offered. I am only hoping I can talk about my new life, future plans as well as the wedding as I would with any friend without being berated or shut down.

I appreciate thoughtful comments and suggestions in the little bit I've poked around here, but the harsh ones such as yours have made me think it may be best to avoid these boards.

perkins81 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-invited-someone-not-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c837df12-2ff7-4a96-a5d6-26223256bbecPost:e0c52191-2925-4b94-be4e-3dfb203815c6">Re: MOH invited someone not on list</a>:
[QUOTE]. Lastly....I am trying not to sound ugly here, so please take it in the spirit in which it's intended. <strong>If you're calling your husband-to-be your FINANCE - then she IS right. Finance has to do with money. He is your FIANCE</strong>.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I agree on this one. My BF (soon to be FI) keeps using this word with me when he jokingly says I'm going to be his "finance" soon. I hate that word b/c it makes me feel like that's all I am to him - more money (which isn't true, I know he loves me and only says it jokingly, but it's annoying.) And he actually picked it up from his ex (as in "ex-fiance"), which REALLY upsets me that he still uses it with me.

OP - So even though it's a joke, I don't blame your friend for pointing that out. As to the other things . . . wow. I hope you're able to find a way to just get through this and move on. Sounds like she's dealing with a lot of her own personal issues and now that you're in the spotlight, she can't handle it. Don't let her attitude bring yours down. Just be happy despite her and focus on the positives (like - you're getting married!!! yay!)

MOH invited someone not on list

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