bridal shower and bridesmaids

kristinashley83 · February 2011

how much do you guys think is an appropriate amount to ask from the bridesmaids towards the cost of the bridal shower? traditionally, i think the bridesmaids pay for it all, but my mom wants to contribute so they aren't stuck with the entire bill.

sgdc2011 · February 2011

it depends on the group of friends. Some Mom's pay ALL, some pay SOME, some pay NONe... its up to them.

mbcdefg · February 2011

I promise I don't mean this in a nasty way ... it doesn't matter what you think is right. It matters what THEY want to do.

The bridesmaids aren't required to throw the bridal shower, or help the bride's mother to plan/pay for it. If they want to do something, they will volunteer. It's not right if someone - the Maid of Honor, the mother of the bride/groom, and ESPECIALLY not the bride - just tells them, "You owe $x for the shower." And even if the BMs say that they want to contribute money, the person in charge can't just tell them how much they owe ... they have to ask for their budgets and then work around that. Not set an overall budget and then hand the girls a bill.

So here's what you should do: stay out of it as much as possible. It's a party in your honor, therefore, you really shouldn't have anything to do with planning it or dealing with who pays for it. If your BMs or mom come to you to ask who should pay for it, politely ask them to leave you out of it and deal with it amongst themselves.

Whoever's decided to step up and start the planning - MOH, Mom, whoever - should ask each bridesmaid or relative privately (because asking in a group can put people on the spot), "Do you want to contribute anything to the shower? If so, how much money are you comfortable chipping in? Or do you want to contribute in another way? (bake the cake, take care of the invitations and decorations, just show up as a guest, etc.)"

For my shower ... from what I heard, my mom paid for it and planned the bulk of it. It was a rental room with homemade food. I know that my sister/MOH and her girlfriends made some of the food, Mom made the rest, and my friend/bridesmaid came to help set up. At the end of the party, the cleanup crew was me, Mom, Sis, Bridesmaid and some of my mom's friends, and my husband came at the end to help with the last bit of cleanup and loading the gifts in the car.

But, really, just try to stay out of it. But if MOH/Mom/whoever is trying to get all the girls to pay, gently encourage her to ask their budgets FIRST, and not force anyone into anything, and not get mad if someone doesn't want to contribute money. And the less that the hostess demands, the more the other girls will likely want to help out.

cutiepie12702 · February 2011

I would like to say something, and please don't take this the wrong way. I am currently a bridesmaid in a wedding. At no point did anyone ask me how much I could afford to spend or wanted to spend. The bride's mother has not offered to help with ANYTHING. There are only 4 of us and we are paying for the entire thing and to be honest with you, I am NOT happy. Me, being the type of person to go with the flow and always over extend myself, shut up and went along with whatever was asked of me - I am now going to have to pay $400+ for this shower. My mother is paying for my ENTIRE shower - and not for nothing, but I really doubt my friend will EVER know how much money I spent on her shower and I guarantee she won't even spend half of what I spent on her. I am not looking for a gift here, but I am the type of person who likes to be fair...I would NEVER ask a friend to spend that much money on me, ever. Nor would I put a friend in that position - which is why I asked her to be in my wedding, knowing my mother planned to give me a shower and would never ask anyone else to pay for it. All I wanted was her to stand up for me on my wedding day - I never imagined I'd have to go so far above and beyond that for her wedding. It is absolutely not fair to put the responsibility of a shower on anyone. While I would have had no problem contributing a little towards the shower and giving a very nice gift...$400+ is absurd. The mother has NO clue about anything - we sent her an invite and I guess she is just going to show up like one of the other 60 guests that are coming. Ignorance is bliss... And for the record, the MOB's gown for the wedding is almost as much as my wedding gown...so clearly money had no part in her not wanting to be involved!!

If I was you, I'd stay out of it. BUT, whoever decides to plan the thing (whether it's your mother and/or MOH) needs to be realistic in how much people would feel comfortable contributing. Make sure they ASK how much each one of the girls planned to spend - each one will probably have a different answer. No one should ever be told they have to do anything. While it obviously was my choice to go ahead and pay for my friend's shower and to not object, I clearly have hard feelings - not towards my friend but towards her family for having the audacity to put something like this big on my shoulders, especially when they know I am planning my own wedding. Shame on them.... Sorry for the vent. haha I just would hate to see anyone going through the same ordeal.

tinydancer842 · February 2011

I agree with both PPs. I was also put in a bad position a couple years ago, but it was with the bride's bachelorette party. I was not in the WP but was asked to contribute because I was attending the party & we were taking a pole dancing class. I said yes knowing I was only going to have to put in $50.

However months went by & I received no information from MOH regarding planning the party (which she told us she would do). I called her a couple days prior to discuss everything with her & that is when she asked me to show up with a blank check because the costs for the party were turning out to be alot & she could not afford everything she bought (i.e. food, decorations, gift basket for the bride, etc.). None of which I ever agreed to pay for. I told her no way. I would bring the $50 I originally told her I'd give her, end of story.

She was pissed & yelled at me. Me & my friend (also not a BM) left from the bachelorette party early. (we considered not even attending, but went for the bride, our friend).

Moral of the story -- whoever plans the party pays. Ask them their budget & go from there. Also, don't plan super far in advance because budgets can change. My bridal party met 2 months prior to the shower to plan the party & that was plenty of time.

kristen8040 · February 2011

I agree about staying out of it. Multiple times I've expressed concerns about my girls spending too much and they always tell me to shut up

I really think it varies depending on the bridal party. For my sister's shower where I was the maid of honor, I was a senior in college and had no money. The other girls never really offered much so my mom decided to pay for the place and the BMs paid for drinks, decorations, and a group gift.

On the other hand, for my cousin's shower we split the cost of the place, my aunt added herself in so it got divided with another person and bought the alcohol. We also split the gift and decorations. Just let your girls take care of it.

lynzandgreg1 · February 2011

I agree. I am currently in the same position. I was told how much I need to spend on the bridal shower. However, I was never in the decision making in the venue. I am so upset about it because I am paying for my own wedding and I can't afford to put the amount of money in that the MOH is asking for.
Honestly, I feel that if your mom or MOH or even you want something specific for your bridal shower than your mom, MOH, or you should pay for it. It is not fair to put all the financial burden on the BMs when they are already spending money to be apart of the big day.

NJhousewife22 · February 2011

When I was MOH for my sister, I pretty much paid for everything for her shower (with the help of my mom) and then just asked the other girls to bring a dessert or other dish if they wanted. Some did, some didn't, but it didn't bother me since they were all in school and I know where strapped for cash/time. The nicest way, as others have said is to just let the bridal party contribute/offer what they can.

Heather822 · February 2011

I agree.... it is not appropriate to dictate to the girls how much they need to lay out.

A shower is not an automatically given thing.

If THEY decide to throw you one, THEY will set their own budget.

If your mother is being kind enough to offer to help, its perfectly fine if SHE contacts them and they work it out together.... but you should not be involved.

kristinashley83 · February 2011

i have to say, i'm a little shocked. i am simply looking out for my bridal party. i'm not involved in my own shower. it's still being coordinated by my mother and moh. it's just that i really DO care how much they spend on me and i don't want them to spend too much. what i was hoping to see was a range of prices that other people have put towards bridal showers since i was only in one wedding myself and i really have no idea what is typical.

when you agree to be in someone's wedding you should understand that you will need to put some money toward various things like the bridesmaid dress, the bachelorette party, the bridal shower, etc. otherwise you can simply say no to being in the wedding. i have personally known women that have turned a bride down because they do not have the money to be in the wedding and there is nothing wrong with that.

also, if you are in someone's wedding and the mob or moh throws out a number that you feel is way too high, you can also politely ask to contribute less. there is no need in my opinion to be passive and just deal with it. the wedding i was in for example, the bridal shower did cost a lot of money and the bridesmaids all got together with the mob and simply said, we can't afford this and it was rectified in a nice manner. to those of you who've stated that you've been saddled with a high bill for the bridal shower, i highly suggest you do the same.

i personally feel that a number can be thrown out there so the bridesmaids have an idea of what they are looking at. if they can't afford it, then they do not have to spend that amount. it's just a reference point so there is no akwardness or confusion. i know for a fact that if my mother and moh go and just ask my bridesmaids what they want to spend, they are all going to be totally confused and not know what to contribute. in fact, i bet they'd end up offering too much, knowing my girls!! so, after reading everyone's posts i think what i am going to suggest to my mom and moh is to let the bridesmaids know that the cost will be approximately X amount and stress to them that if they can't afford that then any other help would be greatly appreciated.

tinydancer842 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_bridal-shower-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:0f6f4059-be53-4389-9391-95a8819be758Post:86da8202-9661-4453-8224-b8e97f5c1670">Re: bridal shower and bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE] i have to say, i'm a little shocked. i am simply looking out for my bridal party. i'm not involved in my own shower. it's still being coordinated by my mother and moh. it's just that i really DO care how much they spend on me and i don't want them to spend too much. what i was hoping to see was a range of prices that other people have put towards bridal showers since i was only in one wedding myself and i really have no idea what is typical. <strong>when you agree to be in someone's wedding you should understand that you will need to put some money toward various things like the bridesmaid dress, the bachelorette party, the bridal shower, etc. otherwise you can simply say no to being in the wedding.</strong> [/QUOTE]<div>
<div>A shower & a bachelorette party are in no way required & the BP is not obligated to throw one. If they choose to do so that is perfectly fine, but there is not a rule that you have to have one. </div><div>
</div><div>The only requirement of the BP is that they show up to the wedding in the BM dress. Also, budgets should be discussed prior to picking out dresses. Many girls may not be comfortable speaking up if everyone else can afford a dress & they can't. It is polite if you e-mail each girl individually & ask for their budgets & find a dress that meets everyones budget needs.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] <strong>i have personally known women that have turned a bride down because they do not have the money to be in the wedding and there is nothing wrong with that.</strong> [/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>A WP should be made up of all the important women in your life who you want standing next to you when you say your vows. IMO if my best friend couldn't be in my wedding because of money issues, I would be mindful of that & help her out in any way I possibly can so she can stand up next to me on my wedding day. It's sad to me when people need to turn down an invite to be in a dear friend's wedding because the bride expects them to spend all their money on pre-wedding parties, dresses, & gifts for the bride. I care more about my friends then I do parties & gifts.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div><strong><span style="font-weight:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">[QUOTE] </span>also, if you are in someone's wedding and the mob or moh throws out a number that you feel is way too high, you can also politely ask to contribute less.</strong> there is no need in my opinion to be passive and just deal with it. the wedding i was in for example, the bridal shower did cost a lot of money and the bridesmaids all got together with the mob and simply said, we can't afford this and it was rectified in a nice manner. to those of you who've stated that you've been saddled with a high bill for the bridal shower, i highly suggest you do the same. i personally feel that a number can be thrown out there so the bridesmaids have an idea of what they are looking at. if they can't afford it, then they do not have to spend that amount. <strong> </strong>it's just a reference point so there is no akwardness or confusion. <strong> i know for a fact that if my mother and moh go and just ask my bridesmaids what they want to spend, they are all going to be totally confused and not know what to contribute. </strong> in fact, i bet they'd end up offering too much, knowing my girls!! so, after reading everyone's posts i think what i am going to suggest to my mom and moh is to let the bridesmaids know that the cost will be approximately X amount and stress to them that if they can't afford that then any other help would be greatly appreciated.</div><div>Posted by kristinashley83[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>No, a party should be planned based on how much everyone can contribute. For instance if you have 4 bridesmaids & they can each contribute $50 -- then you have $200 to work with + whatever your mom puts in. You don't plan the party then ask everyone for money -- that is rude. You are basically spending their money with no input from them. If they are giving your mom money they need to be apart of the planning process. They won't be confused when your mom asks how much they'd like to contribute. They most likely already have a number budgeted out for your wedding anyways.</div><div>
</div><div> I personally would feel extremely uncomfortable if the MOB told me the party was $1k & I was only planning to contribute $50. You are putting people in an awkward position by doing it that way. </div><div>

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mbcdefg · February 2011

so, after reading everyone's posts i think what i am going to suggest to my mom and moh is to let the bridesmaids know that the cost will be approximately X amount and stress to them that if they can't afford that then any other help would be greatly appreciated.

So why did you bother asking for advice, if you were just going to ignore people who've been in this same situation and do what you wanted to do from the getgo anyway?

It really boggles my mind that you would tell your friends that they are expected to spend a certain amount of money on you. That's a really awful way to treat your friends.

ginabean82 · February 2011

I agree with most of the other brides here as well. I think it's rude for the bride or her mother to ask her friends for a certain amount of money to pay for her shower. I have been a bridesmaid before and the bride's mother actually emailed all of us telling us we each owed $200 for a shower she already booked, and told us we were to also buy her a gift off her registry. Also, we were all in college so no one had a good job yet, and her parents were loaded with cash. I didn't make a big deal about it, but another bridesmaid did and she was untimely kicked out of the bridal party. I picked my bridesmaids because I want them to be apart of my special day, not because I want them to spend all this money on me.

kristinashley83 · February 2011

So why did you bother asking for advice, if you were just going to ignore people who've been in this same situation and do what you wanted to do from the getgo anyway?

It really boggles my mind that you would tell your friends that they are expected to spend a certain amount of money on you. That's a really awful way to treat your friends.

how did i ignore you guys? i'm pretty much taking your advice and my mom or moh is going to give a general number that they feel is reasonable to contribute and if the other girls cannot afford it, they will be given the option to help in other ways. and i'mnot telling them to spend a certain amount on me, my mom and moh will be asking them. asking being the operative word here. so it would go something like...we are planning the shower and we figured around 50 dollars per girl but if you cannot afford to contribute that, let us know what you can afford or if you can help out with bringing a dish or dessert instead. how that is so different than what you suggested? the only difference is throwing out a number because, again, knowing my girls they will want to know an amount or their next question will be, how much do you want me to contribute. i know for a fact that if it was presented to them like: what can you contribute to the bridal shower, the girls would be offering too much and i just don't want that.

i'm a very good friend to my friends. i'm going on a discussion board for advice to make sure that my friends are treated fairly in this situation. just because i disagree slightly with the posts does not mean that i haven't taken this discussion into consideration. personally, when i was asked to put money towards my friends bridal shower, i wasn't upset at all. as a whole, the bridal party did feel that the amount was a little high for us to spend and we talked about a number that we could afford and that's what was agreed upon. however, i was never upset, nor hurt or offended when the mob asked me for the money. i fully expected it. my good friend who is in my bridal party just asked me to be her matron of honor for her wedding next spring and i'm fully anticipating spending money on all kinds of things for her.

i think maybe that's just how it is with my group of friends. we don't mind spending money on each other and we do expect to sort of spoil the bride for this big occasion. i know you aren't required to, but it would never cross any of our minds to not throw a bridal shower or bachelorette party for the bride. and i as a bride have from day one been more than accommodating with my bridal party. i have always asked them from the beginning what they can afford. the bridesmaid dress for example, i discussed with each of them the price and if they felt comfortable paying that amount or we could find another option. the hair and makeup on the day i left completely up to them if they wanted to do it or not...and they all are doing both. i also already paid about 30% of the cost of the hair for each of them so the cost would be lower for them. i paid for their shoes and accessories as a gift to them and i'm also planning on another non-wedding attire gift as a thank you for them being a part of my day. my moh's daughter is my flower girl and i'm paying for her flower girl dress since i didn't want my moh to have to pay for 2 dresses. i've also talked to my entire bridal party about them not getting me a wedding gift since they are already spending money for my wedding. so please don't tell me i treat my friends in an awful way.

my original post was just meant to figure out what is a typical amount that bridesmaids put towards a shower. and i was asking that because i do not feel comfortable with my bridesmaids spending too much on me. i think everyone is being just a little harsh because of their own bad experiences and sort of taking it out on me.

mbcdefg · February 2011

Nobody is being harsh to you.

But, SEVERAL people here have said that they were put in the exact same situation that you want to put your bridesmaids in, and they were not happy about it. As much as you think you may know your friends' financial situations, you probably don't know the total truth about what they can and cannot afford to spend. If several people here said they were too embarrassed, or whatever, to say to the hostess that $x was too much for them, then chances are decent that you might have at least one bridesmaid who will be put in the same situation. I'm sure that the Maids of Honor/Moms who asked the girls on this board for the large amounts of money also figured, "Oh, it won't be a problem, she can definitely afford it, otherwise she would've spoken up!" (Or even, "This is what's EXPECTED of her as a bridesmaid, and she's a bad friend if she says that she won't pay that much.")

And if you're passing on word to your mom/MOH to set a number and tell the bridesmaids that the $50 is the ideal amount, that's the same thing as you telling them what to spend. It doesn't make it any better that you're just giving your mom/MOH the go-ahead to do that on your behalf.

What on earth is bad about the MOH/mom asking each girl what she can afford to spend? If they ask Bridesmaid A what she wants to spend and she says she'll kick in $200, they can always say, "That's entirely too much, $50 would be plenty." They don't have to accept the $200 just because that's what the BM offers to spend.

Likewise, if they ask Bridesmaid B and she says that she can only kick in $30, or if she says she can't kick in any money but she'll bake some cookies, then an awkward situation was just avoided because the $50 figure was never mentioned.

But I think you're going to do whatever you want anyway, right?

kristinashley83 · February 2011

But I think you're going to do whatever you want anyway, right?

let's be clear that this is not doing whatever i want. it's trying to figure out what is fair to both my moh/mom so they're not stuck with a huge bill and it's trying to find a happy medium so that the bridesmaids aren't offended by price (or how they're asked to pay).

i guess i just don't feel that a suggested amount is rude. i feel that it's just getting to the point but it's not demanding that amount. when i was asked in that way, i just wasn't offended. but i guess that's just me? if i do ask my moh to ask each bridesmaid what they can afford rather giving a suggested price and they come back and say, well what do you want me to pay (very probable) then what would your suggestion be?

sgdc2011 · February 2011

I have been in 2 weddings before.. 1 I was told I was paying $60 and then the day of I was told I had to pay an additional $15 because they underestimated. I was annoyed about that. Another I was told just to contribute a gift and games. So we opted for a larger gift than we would have given because we were not contributing much else, and then a week before I got an email from the MOH saying it came out to $75 a girl. I did say somethign about that because had I been told that ahead of time, we wouldn't have gotten such a big gift. I told my mom whatever she decides to do, just let my girls know upfront with no surprises.

kristinashley83 · February 2011

thank you sgdc2011 for your imput. i agree that being upfront with no surprises is a great way to handle it.

tinydancer842 · February 2011

How do you know $50 is the appropriate amount? You would only know that if the party has already been planned, which AGAIN brings me back to the point -- if you expect people to pay for your shower they need to be involved in the planning process. Just because YOU think it's okay to tell people how much they should spend doesn't mean they feel comfortable being told what they should spend. Also, if your mom & MOH are hosting/planning your shower then they pay.

When my shower was planned everyone met at my sisters house & divided up tasks so they were involved in planning. Some girls made a dish, some girls bought favors, etc. My mom & MIL footed most of the bill & my bridesmaids helped out with smaller items. It was also held at my mom's house to save money. I think at the end my bridesmaids made sure they spent the same amt. & paid each other back accordingly.

mbcdefg · February 2011

Why would your mom or MOH be stuck with a huge bill that they couldn't pay?

That's only going to happen if they plan a big, expensive shower without first consulting the bridesmaids on what they can pay. If they plan something and are counting on $50 each (or whatever) from the BMs, and then for whatever reason the BMs don't kick in $50 each ... well, that's not the BMs' fault. That's the fault of whoever planned a shower on the assumption that the BMs would cover a certain portion of it.

Mom/MOH should say, "What, if anything, do you want to contribute?" If the BM gives an outrageous amount, Mom/MOH can say, "I don't think we'll need that much at all. $50 would be plenty." If the BM says she doesn't know, then Mom/MOH can just ask her to throw out a number and they'll work with that. If the bridesmaid suggests an amount less than $50, then Mom/MOH will have avoided the embarrassment that comes with, "Oh, we were hoping for $50, but if you can't afford it then pay what you can."

I think you're just making way too many assumptions on what your BMs are going to say. It's nice that you are worried about them spending too much, but it is FAR less likely to offend them if the contribution amount is left open-ended, than if a $50/whatever figure is thrown out. Like a lot of girls here said, bridesmaids are sometimes reluctant to say, "That's too much money," because then she gets labeled as a cheapass/biitch/bad friend or bad bridesmaid by some people (not even necessarily the bride).

If the bridesmaid is asked what she wants to spend and she decides to spend a higher amount than you wanted her to, that's not your fault. It was HER choice. And we've had discussions on this board in the past where a lot of girls have said, "I wouldn't mind paying $50 if it was MY decision, but I'd REALLY resent being told that I owe $50, even if I could afford it." And I know you're not suggesting to tell them that they have to pay $50, but to a lot of people, saying, "We were hoping you'd contribute $50" is basically the same thing (because of that fear of being labeled a cheapo/biitch/whatever - because some girls here HAVE been called those things by "friends" or even the bride's mom because they couldn't afford to pay what they were asking).

And like someone said, being told, "We worked the budget out to $50 per girl" pretty much says that the hostess planned the shower without their input. I wouldn't mind kicking in money for a friend's shower, but I'd damn well better be included in planning it. I'm not just going to be told after the fact what my share of the bill will be, even if it's five dollars. If I'm expected to help pay for it, then I want a say in what's planned.

I also think you're getting entirely too involved in the shower planning. Really, just step back and let the hostess(es) handle it, especially in terms of who pays. If the hostess says something about asking each girl for a set amount, then by all means step in and say, "Please just ASK them what they want to pay."

kristinashley83 · February 2011

i think this has gotten a little ridiculous now. to clarify, yet again...i'm not planning my shower and my shower is not planned in the least bit. my wedding isn't until august and my moh is just now beginning to think about planning it. $50 was a number i threw out there as an example...i have no idea what an average shower even costs. also i have no idea if my moh AND bridesmaids are the planners and hostesses which they totally could be. does that really change anything? i don't really think so...either way, budgets will need to be discussed and money will be divided up in some way. again, what i was trying to find out was a number, a relative figure, a percentage just for my own piece of mind. sometimes it's just nice to know what others have done as a comparison and that is all i was after. it blew a little out of proportion and it's kinda silly. i solicited advice...advice received. thank you all and i'm done posting about this topic.

mbcdefg · February 2011

There's no set amount, then. They should all give some input as to what kind of party they want to throw, and how much money they want to spend, and go from there. And you should do your best to stay out of it.

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