Best Friend over Cousin?!?! Weighing on my Mind! HELP!!

carrik · August 2012

Hi Everyone,

I am having a big problem deciding on my wedding party. I know who I want but it is alot more difficult then that. Should it be, probably not, but it is. Alright here it goes....I have a big family, my finace does not. Our wedding is only going to be about 100 people on the guest list. I have two sisters who are for sure in my party, my oldest sister is my MOH. I wish I could just stop there, but I have my two best friends who I really want standing up front with me, one who has been by my side since we were 12, she lives out of state now but we are still close, my other best friend we have been close for the last 8 years. She has been there by my side my whole adult life. Perfect right thats it, four on my side and I am sure my finace could get four for his side but it is not that easy. I have two cousins, we grew up together and were very close, as we got older we drifted apart some, only really seeing each other on holidays. We talk more now then we did a few years ago but they havent been by my side helping me through things like my best friends have. But if I do not have them in my WP and have my friends in it there is going to be big drama within the family with that! I will never probably live this down with my cousins and their mother (my aunt). I do not want to cause drama in the family but I think my friends have been there more for me then my cousins. And to have six people in my WP is a bit much to ask for my finace to come up with six on his side and with it being a small wedding thats alot of attendants. I should also note that one of my cousins is a super drama queen, she has gotten better but I know there will still be some kind of issue. I am struggling over this big time, I have put my wedding off for awhile because I did not want to make this decision (not the only reason financial reasons also played a part), but now it is time. I need to make that decison and I do not know what to do. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP!!!!

Thank you!

rsanna · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_best-friend-over-cousin-weighing-on-my-mind-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1d1100cc-2bd5-4c42-939a-7ddc928393c9Post:c468f1ff-d977-44a0-b8b6-5a469516a43d">Best Friend over Cousin?!?! Weighing on my Mind! HELP!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Everyone, I am having a big problem deciding on my wedding party. I know who I want but it is alot more difficult then that. Should it be, probably not, but it is. Alright here it goes....I have a big family, my finace does not. Our wedding is only going to be about 100 people on the guest list. I have two sisters who are for sure in my party, my oldest sister is my MOH. I wish I could just stop there, but I have my two best friends who I really want standing up front with me, one who has been by my side since we were 12, she lives out of state now but we are still close, my other best friend we have been close for the last 8 years. She has been there by my side my whole adult life. <strong>Perfect right thats it, four on my side and I am sure my finace could get four for his side but it is not that easy</strong>. I have two cousins, we grew up together and were very close, as we got older we drifted apart some, only really seeing each other on holidays. We talk more now then we did a few years ago but they havent been by my side helping me through things like my best friends have. But if I do not have them in my WP and have my friends in it there is going to be big drama within the family with that! I will never probably live this down with my cousins and their mother (my aunt). I do not want to cause drama in the family but I think my friends have been there more for me then my cousins. <strong>And to have six people in my WP is a bit much to ask for my finace to come up with six on his side</strong> and with it being a small wedding thats alot of attendants. I should also note that one of my cousins is a super drama queen, she has gotten better but I know there will still be some kind of issue. I am struggling over this big time, I have put my wedding off for awhile because I did not want to make this decision (not the only reason financial reasons also played a part), but now it is time. I need to make that decison and I do not know what to do. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP!!!! Thank you!
Posted by carrik[/QUOTE]

Take the bolded and ignore it. It makes you sound selfish and kind of like you don't really care about your FI and his feelings for who he wants. The BMs and GMs are the people nearest and dearest to you. You don't need even sides, because then you are using people as props. While I will give you 6 may be a little much, it is your wedding and if you are truly close to those girls then ask them and let your FI pick who he wants. I am having about that many guests at many wedding and I am having 5-6 on my side. It's not a big deal.

aerinpegadrak · August 2012

Your wedding is over a year away. Wait until after the holidays, then ask the people who are very closest to you, without whom you couldn't imagine getting married. You ask your number, he asks his. Sides don't have to be even, and leaving people out or asking random people as slot-fillers for the sake of arbitrary symmetry is just mean.

megannie · August 2012

I struggled with the same type issue for a while. My fiancee told me to close my eyes, and picture who I wanted standing with me on our day. When I did, he said, do you see them? And I said yes, and he said, open your eyes and go ask them. And I did. We have more BM's then GM. It doesn't matter to either of us. I will have the people I want by my side, and so will he, and to us it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It's our wedding. Go with your heart, and do what will make you happy on your day. There's your answer.

carrik · August 2012

You may think that sounds selfish but it is not at all. He knows exactly who he wants and he is having them in it. There are others though that he will include if need be!! And with those would bring us to about 4 on both. It is my side that is the problem! This problem truly has nothing to do with my FI. He is all set!! I was just throwing out information so it was clear, and him not having a big family hinders the amount of people on his side so it would be hard for him to come up with six! Do not see how that is selfish. But thank you for the advice.

aerinpegadrak · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_best-friend-over-cousin-weighing-on-my-mind-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1d1100cc-2bd5-4c42-939a-7ddc928393c9Post:b597481e-b1d3-49fe-ae38-ab0bf29b87c7">Re: Best Friend over Cousin?!?! Weighing on my Mind! HELP!!</a>:
[QUOTE]You may think that sounds selfish but it is not at all. He knows exactly who he wants and he is having them in it. There are others though that he will include if need be!! And with those would bring us to about 4 on both. It is my side that is the problem! This problem truly has nothing to do with my FI. He is all set!! I was just throwing out information so it was clear, and him not having a big family hinders the amount of people on his side so it would be hard for him to come up with six! Do not see how that is selfish. But thank you for the advice.
Posted by carrik[/QUOTE]

But he doesn't need to come up with six. That's what we're saying. You can have 6 and he can have 4 (those were the numbers we had) and everything will be fine. By trying to force even sides, you're creating problems that don't need to exist.

artbyallie · August 2012

The. Sides. Don't. Have. To. Match. If you want six, have six. He wants four, so he'll have four. The wedding police will not shut down your wedding for uneven sides.

carrik · August 2012

I am not saying he has to come up with six. The whole thing here is I am having a difficult time decideing on my side of the wedding party. I am torn on having all six, to me that seems like way to much! He would like to have sides even that is why I mentioned him, he isnt including his brothers, for some reason I am not sure, but he said if he needs more he will, so there are no props here just fmaily! But it has nothing to do with him, the struggle is with me. Everyone has focused on the wrong thing all together here. Thought I could come on here and get good advice instead I get called out!!

aerinpegadrak · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_best-friend-over-cousin-weighing-on-my-mind-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1d1100cc-2bd5-4c42-939a-7ddc928393c9Post:82642129-7a39-4002-a101-8fa4708eba91">Re: Best Friend over Cousin?!?! Weighing on my Mind! HELP!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not saying he has to come up with six. The whole thing here is I am having a difficult time decideing on my side of the wedding party. I am torn on having all six, to me that seems like way to much! He would like to have sides even that is why I mentioned him, he isnt including his brothers, for some reason I am not sure, but he said if he needs more he will, so there are no props here just fmaily! But it has nothing to do with him, the struggle is with me. Everyone has focused on the wrong thing all together here. Thought I could come on here and get good advice instead I get called out!!
Posted by carrik[/QUOTE]

As we've said, you ask the people you're closest to. If you're not sure, take some time to think it over. There's nothing they need to be doing until it's time to start looking for dresses 6-9 months out, so you really don't need to ask any earlier than that.

Who would you call at 3am to help you hide a body? That's your WP. Sides, genders, numbers, none of that should factor in, and nobody here can tell you who those people are in your life.

LDubHawksFan · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_best-friend-over-cousin-weighing-on-my-mind-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1d1100cc-2bd5-4c42-939a-7ddc928393c9Post:82642129-7a39-4002-a101-8fa4708eba91">Re: Best Friend over Cousin?!?! Weighing on my Mind! HELP!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not saying he has to come up with six. The whole thing here is I am having a difficult time decideing on my side of the wedding party. I am torn on having all six, to me that seems like way to much! He would like to have sides even that is why I mentioned him, he isnt including his brothers, for some reason I am not sure, but he said if he needs more he will, so there are no props here just fmaily! But it has nothing to do with him, the struggle is with me. Everyone has focused on the wrong thing all together here. Thought I could come on here and get good advice instead I get called out!!
Posted by carrik[/QUOTE]

You aren't getting called out. They were just informing you that you don't have to have even sides. You already know this, but your FI is the one that wants it. I think you should just explain to him that you can't choose.

No one on here knows the 6 girls you are trying to choose between, so if you are trying to get an absolute answer of cousin vs best friend from a bunch of strangers, I don't think you will get that here. Pick who you can't imagine not being there with you. Your closest of closests....and if that's 6, so be it. Also, don't choose before like 9 months out....if you are having a hard time right now, just wait.

GoodLuckBear14 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_best-friend-over-cousin-weighing-on-my-mind-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1d1100cc-2bd5-4c42-939a-7ddc928393c9Post:82642129-7a39-4002-a101-8fa4708eba91">Re: Best Friend over Cousin?!?! Weighing on my Mind! HELP!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not saying he has to come up with six. The whole thing here is I am having a difficult time decideing on my side of the wedding party. I am torn on having all six, to me that seems like way to much! He would like to have sides even that is why I mentioned him, he isnt including his brothers, for some reason I am not sure, but he said if he needs more he will, so there are no props here just fmaily! But it has nothing to do with him, the struggle is with me. Everyone has focused on the wrong thing all together here. Thought I could come on here and get good advice instead I get called out!!
Posted by carrik[/QUOTE]

Nobody called you out. They are telling you the following:

1. The sides do not have to be even.
2. People are more important than symmetry.

You don't seem to want to hear this though and I think want to focus on the drama within yoru own family which none of us are going to touch. You know them, we do not and I think most of us have a hard time understanding how not having cousins in your wedding would cause such a huge family problem.

theponz512 · August 2012

Sides are not required to be even, at all. There are tons of ways you can make uneven sides work. Trust me, I am most likely going to be dealing with that if everyone my FI is asking cannot do it

If your cosuins are important to you, then ask them to stand with you. Don't ask out of fear that it will cause family drama though. Only ask if you truly want them to be a part of the party.

Don't worry about it, if he has enough people to match you, fine. If not fine.

SachaBee · August 2012

If your cousins would cause 'major drama' over not being in your wedding party, they should have their answer for why they are not.

kellyjohnson527 · August 2012

If your family actually stays mad over this, they were probably looking for something to be mad at in the first place. Pick your friends!

alliekinkaid3802 · August 2012

I understand what you are trying to say. I only asked my cousin to be a BM to avoid family conflict as well and I am regretting it. I know that is a horrible thing to do but I should have gone with my gut and only asked the people I truly wanted as my BMs. Do what makes you happy. In the end, you don't want to be stressed more than you will be with all the planning. My cousin has been nothing but problems since I asked her and its only causing stress on myself. I love my family but at the end of the day I want as little stress as possible and you might too..if that means choosing friends who are there for you every step of the way over cousins who might cause stress more than relief, then it's what you have to do.

Best Friend over Cousin?!?! Weighing on my Mind! HELP!!

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