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Wedding Woes

Please help!! Should I Marry or Not?

What do you do when you’re in the midst of planning your wedding and realize that moving forward in that direction could possibly be the biggest mistake of your life?  I don’t know.  If I could answer that, I wouldn’t feel the way I do today. 

 

I definitely love him but I don’t feel like I’m in love with him.  I guess I’ve always felt that way, but never had the nerve to actually put all of my feelings of doubt into such a concise statement.  So, why after finally seeing the words in black and white do I continue to feel so bad about them?  Is it because I question my feelings and this is just what they call, “cold feet?”  I don’t think so, but it could be.  I am with someone that actually has a heart of gold and loves me unconditionally.  I’ve had such difficult relationships in the past so once I met him; I thought he was the answer to all of my prayers.  But, as the days pass, I continue to feel worse.  I don’t believe in divorce so I don’t want to go through the motions of having a wedding, just to realize that I’m making a mistake.  That is definitely not fair to him and he deserves more than that.  I feel like the longer I draw this out and continue not to say anything; I’m wasting his time and mine.  There are so many women out there that would give anything to be with a man that loves them unconditionally. 


I am getting older (almost 37) and I have prayed for many years for the right man to find me (I’ve never been married.)  I know that God doesn’t make mistakes, and inevitably we will both find a lesson and wisdom during the time that we’ve been together.  Through prayer, patience, and diligence, we will ultimately both find our God given mates.  Although I’m confident in my previous statement, why do I continue to feel so bad?  Is it because so many people are involved in our relationship at this time due to the wedding, and I’m ashamed about revealing this information to all of them?  Is it telling my fiancé that I don’t want to go through with the wedding?  Is it that I’m scared to get back out into the world as a single woman and potentially never meet the one that God has for me?  I remember what it was like to be single and I don’t want to go through that again. 


Typically, I usually don’t write down my thoughts, but this is an unusual circumstance.  I don’t have anyone to confide in about these feelings that are not biased in some way.  I wish I could get some feedback, good, bad, or indifferent because right now, I am driving myself crazy.  This is such an important decision in my life; I don’t want to make a mistake.  Can anyone provide insight into what I’m going through?  I’m in the process of reading, “There Goes the Bride: Making Up Your Mind, Calling it Off and Moving On,” but at this point, I am still just as confused as to which step to take next.

Re: Please help!! Should I Marry or Not?

  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If you're not in love with him then don't marry him. You would be doing yoruself and him a disservice by marrying him if you're not in love with him. If he's not the person you can see yourself having a future with, and being actually happy, and not eventually resenting him for not being what you want then just stop everything now.

    Be honest. It will sting - to everybody involved, but it's much better now than after the wedding.
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  • edited December 2011
    If you don't love him, you'd be dishonest with yourself and with him to marry him, part of which is obviously commiting to marry himfor the rest of your life.

    Will it be painful and uncomfortable to break off the engagement? Yes, but it will be much more painful to start a marriage knowing that you do not love your spouse. From your post I think you know what you need to do, for everyone's sake please just do it now because the sooner you do it, the better.

    Please go get some advice and prayer from a pastor or someone else you respect in your church or family or something. If you don't have someone like that in your life, find someone. At the very least, please head over to the Christian board, (under Cultural boards, to the left) there are some lovely, godly women there.

    I know it stinks to be single, and I know you don't want to feel alone, but if God has called you to marriage, He will place the right guy in your life. If this is really the guy you're supposed to be with, God can work through you cancelling the wedding. I'll be praying for you.

  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Love isn't a feeling, it's a choice.

    I'm not saying that if you feel nothing for him, you should still marry him. I'm saying that the popular "feeling in love" is an extremely fleeting emotion, and it isn't the one on which a marriage should be made. True and lasting love is a choice and a series of actions. 

    I think you need to write up a list of the pros and cons of this relationship. It may, indeed, simply be cold feet. Choosing to live with someone after having life your way for so long is a big adjustment, and it's natural that you should feel a lot of apprehension. If the cons genuinely outweigh the pros, don't get married.

    But based on what you've written here? I think it's just cold feet. 
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  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    TL; DR.

    But if you have to ask, the answer is don't.
  • edited December 2011
    If you aren't in love with him, then don't marry him.  The fear of being a single woman is nothing compared to being in a marriage for someone you aren't happy with.  Since you said divorce is not an option, you are basically signing yourself up for a lifetime of resentment and unhappiness.

    That being said, it sounds like you absolutely need counseling to help you work through your unhealthy relationships in the past and figure out what you really want. I would recommend that before you call off the wedding; it will help you work through the "cold feet" issue, and gain the strength to call this wedding off and move forward with your life.
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  • DG1DG1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    At the very least, postpone the wedding until you're sure about how you feel.

    Your post doesn't say anything good about him except that he loves you unconditionally.  Which is, of course, wonderful and necessary, but YOU need to love HIM unconditionally, too.  You don't list any of the things you love about him.  It sounds like you're just marrying the first person who wanted to marry you, which doesn't say good things to me.

    Then again, it's just one post. There could be a lot you left out. 

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  • flower_divaflower_diva member
    Tenth Anniversary 100 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    dear Abby always said"are you better off with or without him" if the answer is with out him...don't marry him.  I have been married long enough to tell you that loving someone for the good qualities,the caring nature,and a good companion can sometimes trump the being passionately in love,that passion is rare in long marriages.   I too think you have cold feet.  Maybe a counselor or a pastor if you belong to a church is in order.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_please-should-marry-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c44a5b6b-3d49-4189-a965-3b6c175334abPost:87592d78-73a9-4baf-9f7f-08a482a87a79">Re: Please help!! Should I Marry or Not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Love isn't a feeling, it's a choice</strong>. I'm not saying that if you feel nothing for him, you should still marry him. I'm saying that the popular "feeling in love" is an extremely fleeting emotion, and it isn't the one on which a marriage should be made. True and lasting love is a choice and a series of actions.  I think you need to write up a list of the pros and cons of this relationship. It may, indeed, simply be cold feet. Choosing to live with someone after having life your way for so long is a big adjustment, and it's natural that you should feel a lot of apprehension. If the cons genuinely outweigh the pros, don't get married. But based on what you've written here? I think it's just cold feet. 
    Posted by baconsmom[/QUOTE]

    Totally agree with this, 100%.
  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I vote not.
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  • blush64blush64 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Do not marry him. Not yet anyway.

    As most other posters have said, get help. Talking through your feelings with a professional can help.

    To be honest I don't think it sounds like getting married is the right thing to do. Being 37 and having a good man doesn't mean you should get married. You need to be sure. It kind of sounds like you are considering settling because you feel like you should be happy with him and it's "time".
  • edited December 2011
    I remember when I started dating in high school. What I went through during those years was "puppy love." You know, when you're head-over-heels crazy about that super cute guy, and he takes you out on nice dates and says and does all the right things to woo you, and you just constantly feel like you're on cloud 9. But in hindsight, that's all there ever was to it for me. I only got temporary satisfaction from it. But the guy...he started talking about wanting marriage and babies IMMEDIATELY. While we were only seniors in high school. In short, he became obsessive, jealous, and abusive. Suffice to say that the "puppy love" didn't last very long for me. Fast-forward a couple of years...I meet my future FI. Now, when we first met, I did not have an instant feeling that he would be Mr. Right, but over time our friendship slowly grew into a deep love and respect for one another. Sure, we were "in love," but our romantic feelings and physical attraction to one another were not quite as intense as what I had previously experienced. But we both learned the true meaning of love. 1 Corinthians 13 states that "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." Our relationship is great, but it is not perfect. There have been times over the years where one or both of us have been stressed for various reasons, and at those times it affected our relationship for worse. But the thought of not being together anymore broke both of our hearts, and we have had heart-to-heart discussions and worked through these woes. Being open and honest with one another has always strengthened our relationship. @MarryOrNot, only you and God know all the details of your situation. I am not trying to tell you to decide one way or another. But I can somewhat relate to what you described, and I just wanted to offer some insight. If your relationship and upcoming marriage are meant to be, know that God will have His hand on your union. It may not always feel like romantic love at the surface, but if your marriage adheres to the standards laid out for us in 1 Corinthians, it will have a strong foundation and will grow stronger (and sweeter) over time. I wish you well with your decision and I will be sure to say a prayer for you. P. S. I'm sorry that was VERY long-winded.
  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Okay, that Corinthians passage was never intended to be about romantic love.
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  • edited December 2011
    I wasn't referring to romantic love when I posted the verse. I was referring to the deeper love that I discussed. Again, I apologize that my post was long...I also kept getting distracted by phone calls at work, thus the post may be a little unorganized and therefore taken out of context
  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Most of marriage isn't about romantic love either. At least, not IMO or in my marriage. Romance isn't going to keep us together when one of us is dying, or has Alzheimer's, or if (God forbid) something happens to our child, or if we lose our income for an extended period - you see where I'm going with this, yes? 

    I don't stay with my husband because he gives me butterflies and I think he's hot. I stay with him because I chose him to be my family and my partner, and I choose that committment again and again, every single day, even when I find him to be the most annoying person on the face of the earth. 

    If the OP doesn't want to make that choice, she shouldn't, but I also don't think she should be looking for some elusive fiction about romance and try to build a life on that. 
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  • InksWellInksWell member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm with Bmom.

    Caveat: Are you more excited about the wedding or the marriage?

    Is his most redeeming quality that he loves you? You love him for loving you?

    If you answered "wedding/yes" then run. Not for your sake but his. He would deserve better if this were the case.
    Dear Rain, Not Today. Sincerely, My Parade
  • edited December 2011

    Honestly, if you have to ask if you should get married, you probably shouldn't. I don't think FI would want me to go through with it if I wasn't 1000 percent sure, and I sure wouldn't want him to go through with it if he wasn't positive either.


    Speaking as a Christian, if you truly do not believe with every fiber of your being that this is the man God has for you, then you need to stop planning right now and either get counseling (on the chance that it's cold feet) or call off the wedding entirely. I was engaged briefly before this and he called it off- it hurt like you wouldn't believe, but I was so grateful he had later on. It freed me to marry the man God intended for me.

    Like PP have said, love is a choice. You don't choose who you fall in love with, but you do choose who you stay in love with; I've certainly found that to be true. I think that so many brides forget that it's not just about the wedding day, it's about the rest of your life. This is the biggest committment a human being can make, short of giving birth, and if you're not sure what you want this close to your wedding then a bunch of strangers on the Internet aren't going to be able to clarify it for you. You need to talk to your FI, honestly, straightforwardly, and with respect. Then you need to talk to your priest or pastor.


    No matter what decision you make, I wish you luck- this kind of thing is never easy.

    "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."- Emily Bronte Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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