I just have to get it out...
So this is the second marriage for both of us. My first wedding was very small and very cheap because I didn't really want to get married in the first place, it lasted a little over two years, but when we moved 1300 miles and his girlfriend followed us, I finally had enough. My Fi's first wedding was big, but his marriage lasted a little over a year before things fell apart for them. I have two kids with my "practice" husband (joke from one of my coworkers). He very fortunately doesn't have kids from his first (she's a total nut job).
Since even as I was marrying my ex I was dreaming of escaping and finding someone I really loved, I had a small wedding (about equivalent to a trip to the court house). I always wanted a big wedding though with all of my friends and family there to celebrate with me, and now that I've found the most wonderful man, I want to share it with a big wedding. He already had a big wedding, but he's ok with another big one.
Ok, so here comes the questions with the rant. First my ex, he was very manipulative and when we were getting divorced he blamed it all on me. He told my daughter that it was my fault, that he still loved me and that I didn't love him anymore and I hurt him. She was six so that turned her against me cause I was hurting her dad. I couldn't tell her all the ways that he had hurt me and why I was doing this, one day she will figure it out for herself or ask at an age when I can tell her. My relationship with my older daughter was already strained because he used to let his mom take her for weeks at a time when she was a toddler, completely against my will, but if you've ever been in an emotionally abusive relationship, you can understand how hard it is to stand up for yourself. (side note, leaving him is still one of my proudest moments). I digress...while I dated a little bit before I met my FI, I only ever introduced the girls to him. My ex has had a steady stream of girlfriends that last about a month or two, figure him out and leave. He introduces them all to my girls, gets them involved and then they disappear and lies to the girls about who they are and his relationship with them. He even moved one girlfriend in after dating for about two weeks.
My FI and I took it very slow, it was a long distance relationship, but I only brought him into the girls life when I knew it was serious. He is wonderful with them, and they both really like him. But dad is ticked that I found my self confidence after we divorced, found an awesome guy who is better looking, better employed and what's really important to me, a better man who I'm head over heals for. So he's been trying to turn the kids against us. My oldest loves my FI until she comes back from her dad's house. She wanted to be the ring bearer and was super excited about that until her dad and grandmother tried to convince her she shouldn't be in the wedding. My ex won't even talk to my FI, even after my oldest asked him if they could get to know each other, because that would make her feel better about liking my FI. It really comes down to she doesn't want to hurt her dad. So I'm really looking for any advice on manipulative exes and kids.
Second issue, his first marriage. I'm planning this huge event but I'm feeling like his whole family will be comparing this to his first wedding (it's a huge family). It started when I started making suggestions like, "maybe we should do cupcakes" and he said absolutely not. Come to find out, cupcakes were his ex's thing. Same thing when I picked my colors, I wanted green and purple and she also had green. AGGGHHHH. Now I expect that there will be some similarities between us, after all most guys have a bit of a type. I certainly do, in fact my FI and my ex are the same height, build and hair color LOL. But I'm also very different. To start off, I'm not mean, I'm not a narcissist and I'm way more creative LOL (I'll get to that rant). When she found out that he was seeing me (even though they were split) she called and asked if I knew he was married to which I replied I knew he was getting divorced. She told me that we looked alike (we both have brown hair, similarities stop there), but I was skinnier (yep by about 50 lbs). That might be because I'm a competitive cyclist and the only thing she rides is the couch and a bar stool. Part of the reason that my FI and I get along so well is that we met doing something we are passionate about and we share a lot of the same interests, willing to try the ones that we don't and have the same value system. But I'm getting off the subject again. The similarities we do share is that I'm a craftaholic and she kinda is. Other than that I can't think of any shared interests.
So after being shut down and worrying about bringing up memories with my FI I decided to run things by his sister before committing to anything. I think she got sick of that so I figured I better just look for myself and asked FI for the wedding pictures which he shrugged and handed over (I really wish he had told me no). But it seems a good bit of what I want to do, she did! Even some of the ceremony wording, which we both found online, is very similar. I've been driving myself insane checking the photos to make sure it wasn't done before. Looking at pics of the person you love kissing someone else is completely unhealthy. So here's the question, at what point do you draw the line of "she did it but I'm doing it anyway." If everyone that was there for the first one wasn't going to be here for the second one I wouldn't worry so much, but I'm still very insecure (baggage from marriage #1) and so worried that I'm going to be compared to her and they might think that I'm like her (I haven't met most of his extended family). Turns out his whole family despised her and I'm afraid they will jump to conclusions about me. Not sure why I'm so concerned about that but I am, maybe because his family is so important to him. Do I just go with what I want and risk that I may get my heart set on something that will bring up bad memories, or do I keep torturing myself making sure she didn't do it?
She was a complete princess who thanked his parents for paying for their wedding (she had been disowned by hers) by telling the bartender to make sure they go so drunk that they made complete a**es of themselves, both rude and extremely dangerous for his father who had a kidney transplant. Funny thing is that our budgets are the same, but I think that ours will be more inspired for the same price. She might have been into crafts, but lacked any creativity. Her wedding looked like Toucan Sam threw up. For as much money as she spent, it was really cheap looking, like dollar store cheap. I'm convinced she pocketed a lot of the money. Also she has man hands and looks like a chipmunk. Ok I'm done for now. I'll probably post a couple more times until I can get it all out....feels good to purge a little bit and I don't want to talk about it to my friends or family, but I need to get it all out
