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kdqueen16 · November 2009

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misspeach1084 · November 2009

yikes!!! wish i could offer you some advice -- but i am in a similar situation (just posted about it a few topics down!) and have no clue what to do myself! my FI's father comes to our new house and tells us where to put things and how we should do certain menial things. his parents dont object to us getting married --- they are just very critical and opinionated people. and its not that they dont like me PERSONALLY, they are like this to EVERYONE, its just what they are like as people .. but that doesnt make it any easier on me

lilcassers · November 2009

Oh gosh I am so sorry about this. Good thing when you two are married, you will be away from them and can do what you two please. What my concern (me being a therapist, lol) is that your FI will turn out controlling like his father. Unfortunately his father is ignorant, and him thinking marriage is all about sex is ridiculous. If it were all about sex, then you WOULDN'T want to ger married, because then you would just play the field. I think having a conversation with him is a great idea, however I feel like he is the type that won't budge because it's his way or the highway. If you choose to talk to him, be sure to approach it as an adult and don't whine, yell or do any name calling because that will give him a reason to continue treating you two like children. let him know that you two are adults now, and can make your own decisions. Does your FI live at home? Unfortunately if he does, then his father is allowed to make the decisions on what your bf does, esp if he is living there for free. If financials aren't a concern, maybe your FI can consider moving out? I know that isn't easy and I myself still live at home. Not having him help with the financials of the wedding is the least of your concern. It is obvious his ignorant opinions won't change, but maybe his attitude towards you two can in the future. I would worry about the relationship, not him helping with the wedding. I feel like if he helps out, he will try to make decisions, which you DON'T want him to do for your wedding! Anyways... good luck and keep us posted. I hope things workout.

PandaBurr · November 2009

I think that so long as he still lives with his father, then there's not much he can do about it. Also, if you don't want him to make comments about your wedding, then don't bring it up with him, but don't expect him to contribute either.Does your boyfriend work or go to school? Does he pay rent at his father's house? I mean, maybe there's a reason his dad still treats him like a child.

redheadfsu · November 2009

I am tempted to talk to his father about the way his son is being treated
Don't do this. The only person that can fix this is your boyfriend. If your boyfriend can't stand up for himself, maybe you guys should consider counseling to help him with this.

control his son who is almost 20 years old. He says what days we can hang out, what we can do, where we can go.
If your boyfriend is 19 & lives at home, I can understand why dad still acts like a dad. Although control freak is bad, but he is a parent. His son just became an adult. Is your boyfriend paying full rent plus food & electric? Can you two stand on your own two feet after the wedding? Some of dad's hostility could be b/c he thinks his son is a still a kid & not ready for marriage. Not judging, but my mom would have killed me if I wanted to get married when I was 19.

His dad won't pay for anything in the wedding and he insists that people only get married to have sex and not out of love. He is not obligated to pay for your wedding. Sorry. Since he feels this way, just don't talk about the wedding around him.

tamfraker · November 2009

The first piece of advice I can offer you is to tell your fiance to stand up for himself. You can defend, beg, plead, and scream as much as you want but when it comes down to it your fiance must step up and defend himself to his father. The sooner your fiance can express himself as an independent, self-sufficient man to his father the easier it will be for you two. You may not think so now (I know I didn't when I was 20) but he has a lot of growing to do. Boys always mature emotionally much slower than girls, and where your at in life knowledge and understanding is years past your fiance. This fact alone would put reservation in his father, because his dad knows what he was like when he was 20. If you two really want the respect you deserve as a couple you must act as a married couple. Be independent and self-sufficient, prove that you can make it together without the help of his parents. Once they see that you two can make it the more likely they are to believe it and support it. About the control freak aspect, I think you should give the man a break. His son is leaving to start his own life with a wife and possible children. He is so young to begin a chapter so serious in his life. Many of the views and thought processes you have at 20 change when you grow up. You look back and think what was I thinking?! His dad just wants to make sure that this is the right decision for his son. A divorce would be nasty for all involved. As for marriage for the sex and not love, these days sex outside marriage is common and normal. One doesn't need to be married to have sex, but one must be in love. All I can tell you is to focus on your relationship. Have a real heart to heart with your future husband! Explain exactly how you feel and what your goals are for the relationship. In the end all your going to have is each other, your each others rock. This situation will only be a problem as long as you let it.

SarahPLiz · November 2009

I would like to add that parents DON"T have to offer to pay for any part of the wedding. If you are adult enough to get married, then plan a wedding that the 2 of you can afford together.

Also, if your FI can't stand up to his father, then he is not mature enough to get married. Often there are purse strings involved in these situations (you live under my roof, i pay for your school, I pay your car insurance, etc.. ), so until he is ready to break those strings, then he is not ready to get married.

I think in this case that a long engagement is in order. I have no doubt that you are in love, but being mature and responsible enough to stand on your own 4 feet is necessary for a successful marriage. There is nothing wrong with a long engagement, as it gives you time to finish school and get started in your careers before making that huge commitment. Its actually a smart thing to do, especially in a case like this, where you need to be able to stand up together to his father.

kdqueen16 · November 2009

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zitiqueen · November 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_problems-his-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:10497160Post:6c8c5920-ca13-4c2c-9983-fca18b14461f">Re: Problems With His Family</a>:
[QUOTE] The second is that we are financially independent. My boyfriend and I pay for our own expenses and do not rely on our parent's for anything. [/QUOTE]

Could you please clarify whether or not your BF still lives at home with his parents? Do you still live at home with your parents?

PandaBurr · November 2009

Could you define financially independent? Do you two pay rent, utilities, food, gas, insurance, and etc? If so, why is your boyfriend still living at home if he can afford to live alone?

Also, what are your careers? I don't see how being A students correlates to having a career. I also don't understand even having a career at 19. Could you elaborate on this as well?

I'm not trying to flame or anything, I'm just not sure you've really thought everything out.

redheadfsu · November 2009

If he lives at home (which you have not cleared up) his parents will act like parents. Most parent/child relationships change dramatically when you leave the house. If he is financially independent, can he live in a 1 bedroom apartment until the wedding to see if the family drama dies down? I really recommend everyone live alone before marriage. I think it really builds character & it allows you to set family boundaries. Honestly I think time, distance, & calm heads will fix your problem. Remember these people will be your family, so let most things go. If they are backing out financially, just let it go, you don't know their money situation. In time Dad will learn boundaries if you set them nicely.

Sorry but on a snarky note I have to ditto, what "career" can you possibly have at 19? I don't doubt your good students, but a career takes time & lots of effort to build.

janedoe1113a · November 2009

Umm...what happened to all the posts? Did she edit them out?

lyndausvi · November 2009

It's the first DD without the post being gone. It's strange to read. I wish someone would give CN

janedoe1113a · November 2009

Oh, so that's what happens when someone deletes their own post, but not the entire thread. Weird.

georgia_bride09 · November 2009

That is lame.

PandaBurr · November 2009

Cliff's:
Fiance is 19, still lives at home. Fiance's dad treats fiance like a child. OP wants to know how to deal with it and get FFIL to contribute to the wedding.

OP followed up with: They're abstinent, both have full blown careers, and are A students, and are financially independent. They're also doing pre-marital counseling, and have a place lined up to live in after they get married. No details about any of this though.

PandaBurr · November 2009

Hm. Quotes don't disappear.... Loop hole?

lyndausvi · November 2009

19, living at home, financially independent, great careers?

Unless they are Donald Trump's kids kind-of doubt all of that.

sorry I missed it.

MattsAnnie · November 2009

Think she deleted the posts becuase she didnt get the answers she wanted?

janedoe1113a · November 2009

MattsAnnie -- Most likely.

Yea, quotes are definitely a loophole. It happens a lot on the nest, so if people suspect a DD, they'll just quote them.

kdqueen16 · November 2009

I did not delete the posts because I did not get the answers that I wanted. Some people were very helpful. I deleted the posts because I felt attacked. I don't need to prove anything to strangers.

I spoke the truth when I gave you answers. I am financially independent, I do live on my own, and my career is very stable. And for the record I did not say my age. I am not 19.

I am not on here to get harassed or to play little games with people's emotions like many on here have shown they enjoy. I want to help people during this exciting time and in turn get help from them in the areas I need it.

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